Jackie Peppers, who recently participated in the Second Chance Battle Royale, faces off against Abigail Monroe.

We open to see Jackie sitting in a row boat that is situated on gravel in front of the house boat parked in a lot on a cul-de-sac his manager, Black Angus, calls home. Angus, along with Bob Whiskey, Jackie's sparring partner, stand beside the row boat with buckets in hand and a small, shallow kiddie pool next to them filled with what looks like water.

U-Uh, Angus, why am I sitting in this boat?

Becuz, laddie, ye be fightin' a superpowered tart what dates anodder superpowered tart!

I know! I, um, think that Abigail is really pretty, Angus, and so is her girlfriend, Azrael, do you think...

Jackie is immediately cut off by Angus dumping a bucket of water on him.

Nae, laddy, nae! Dunna think aboot havin' relations wid dem! They're incredibly powerful creatures, them! Abigail is a siren of de seas, lad, her bio online even credits her superpowers!

I know, and, uh, maybe she's wet for...

Bob dumps a bucket of water on Jackie.

Nae, lad! 'Tis danger on the horizon fer ye! Dis ain't no regular wrestler yer facin', tis a monstrosity! Ugly, cruel, and foul! Her girlfriend, Azrael, destroys worlds and stuff!

But, uh, then why are we still here, and not atoms, all vaporized and floating around space? Don't you think if Azrael could really destroy the world, we'd be destroyed?

Angus douses Jackie again, and refills the bucket from the kiddie pool.

Dat wud be too logicool, lad! De Bombshell Champion is chock full o' beans, an' fire ants! She could wipe you out with de blink of an eye!

Um, yeah, I don't think so, Angus. I think she's just...

Bob Whiskey hits Jackie with another wave from his bucket, then refills.

Don't think! Just do!

Aye, ye needn't be thinkin' about Azrael! Ye need to focus on Abigail!

B-but, she's so pretty, Angus. And I think her powers are a little exagerated too. I mean, a water elemental? And she's in a lesbian relationship with a, I dunno, wizard? Don't you think that's a skosh far fetched?

Angus splashes Jackie again. The row boat has about a centimeter of water in it right now.

Tik nah chances, lad!

Angus reaches under his kilt and pulls out a bottle of Lord Calvert Canadian Whiskey. Nothing says class like a seven dollar gallon of whiskey straight from the taint, and Angus uncaps the bottle and knocks back the bottle for a couple of seconds.

B-but, Angus, if she's going to use, well, I guess "water powers" against us, wouldn't I be fine in this boat?

Aye, laddy, tis de plan! Yew sit in dat boat, and any and all watery hyjinx headed yer way wull be null and void!

What about the house boat, though, couldn't I just hang out in there and watch some DVDs or something?

De house boat?

Bob Whiskey's eyes go wide with terror as he flings his bucket up in the air.

BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! THERE'S A SQUALL COMIN' THROUGH!

Bob hightails it onto the houseboat, slamming the door shut behind him. We hear a lock set in place. Then another. This continues until seven locks are in place. Bob then looks out the window.

STAY ASHORE!

Bob slams the window shut. Angus grimmaces at Jackie.

Now look what ye dun! Locked out of me own home and dere's some kind of water wizard on the loose! Scoot over!

Before Jackie and move, Angus climbs into the row boat, sticking his ass right in Jackie's face. Jackie recoils, scrunching his nose. Angus sits down on another seat and faces Jackie. He hits his bottle of whiskey again.

Angus, we need to get rid of Bob. He's a doofus, and his sparring sessions usually just come to him giving me noogies or a wedgie then running off.

Aye, lad, but he's un uff de best in de world.

I, uh, don't think that's true.

Will, if yer gonna be negatif, fine! I'm outta here!

Angus stands up, turns, and dives into the super shallow kiddie pool. His head hits the bottom of the basin, and a nasty crunch is heard as some of his vertebrae snap or come out of place, and he just lies in a heap in the small, three foot diameter pool. Jackie looks confusedly at what just happened, and out of nowhere Bob Whiskey runs up and hits Jackie in the back of the head with an oar.

Teee hee hee hee!

Bob runs off as Jackie rubs the back of his head. He gets up and steps out of the boat.

This is getting stupid. Angus, are you alright?

I'm fine, I ain't na pansy!

Angus tries to get up, and as he does, even more vertebrae snap, causing him to fall into an even more peculiar heap of human meat and bones.

I canna reach me whiskey! Git it fer me lad!

D-do what, now?

Grab me bottle from between me legs, lad!

Jackie lifts up Angus's kilt, and whatever he sees beneath the skirt causes him to wretch.

I can't.

Ye can! Git me bottle out from between me cheeks, lad, a dose a' whiskey will set me straight!

Angus, this is dumber than a grown woman pretending to be a waterbender, or hydrowizard, or aquawitch, whatever the word is.

With that, Bob Whiskey runs back out and picks up the row boat. He hurls it, then looks at the camera, removes his shirt, revealing his extraordinarily fat body, and starts doing muscle poses like he was Hulk Hogan The Ultimate Warrior. He then grabs Angus by the ankles and whips his entire body like one shaking out a bed sheet, then sets Angus back on his feet, who seems right as rain. A moose charges in from out of nowhere and clears all three men with its antlers.