Have my eyes deceived me or what here? Danny Imperial is the... Danny Imperial won the...

Danny Imperial has my Six-Time Federweight Championship?!

Dude, how? If I had an X-Men action figure I guarantee I could spark up a better back and forth than what this guy is going to bring and being a ventriloquist/puppeteer during the winter months has nothing to do with it.

Seriously, like, I always looked at that dude like a kitten. Look at dem eyes, ya know? And that mane? I just wanna pet dat dting! I mean, I'm not saying he's cute or anything, but shit. I just wanna.. I think, ya know, he's kinda cuddly. No homo, of course. Which brings me back to the case at hand here. Why, if not living in a post-apocolyptic world where Danny Imperial is the last man on Earth, is this guy champ?

Now, now. Before we plunge too deep here and get too excited and finish before things get started... I just want to explain that after my sixth time winning the XWF Federweight Championship, I thought that I had led this great division into a new era. The competitiveness was at an ultimate high and people from all over the world came to pin the champion. I thought to myself, "Fuck, Lyps... This is it. You finally made the Federweight Division stand out!"

Pfft. I look back and see THIS. Nothing hurts my ass more than watching an empire that I built just suffer and suffer and suffer. Is it Danny Imperial's fault? Partially. Is it partially my fault? Partially. I should have never left it alone with anyone. So, mark it on the calendar bizatches, Calypso is back for what is his and he ain't posing for NO nudes. So don't ask.


Calypso does his famous, world-renowned moonwalk as Danny Imperial falls right into a CALYPSONATOR!!!!! The champ goes down and Calypso covers him for the pin and OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! NEW CHAMP!! NEW CHAMP!! NEW CHAMP!! NEW CHAMP!!! BAH GAWD CALYPSO HAS DONE IT!!!!!!

[fuck did I miss the time limit? I'm not even sure. I swear I checked on this board]

[Almost 12 hours too late bruh, but I'm willing to let it sliiiiide if management abides. Since you were so kindly to show up and all dat. I beat you like the square that you is.]

See what I mean guys? Worthless.

You know how many dudes win this title and immediately shit all over it once they know they're over their head? I mean, Calypso will be the first to admit that we ain't seeing no Main Events at Halloween Havoc. We get it. BUT COME ON. Get the fuck outta here with that shit.

Look, Danny-Bo-Banny. I know that you're kinda bouncing back and forth between being a decent contender for the Hart Title and not being... But could you cut this division a little slack? If you were trying to prove a point by winning this thing I'd like to know what it was. That anybody could win it? I think I was gearing around to that when I first approached your apparent self-righteous ass.

I am curious though.... I am! What makes Danny Imperial SO much better than the Federweight Title? I mean, gold in my eyes comes up different in your's, or what? Who in the righteous name of Clint Eastwood are YOU to decide what is prestigeous around here or not? Danny Imperial. Won some titles. Lost them too. Calypso. Soon to be SEVEN time Federweight Champion. You know what makes MY legacy so great Dan-o? That when studs like you come along... Thinking that... "Hey, this is just a break for me...." Dudes like you saying..... "Psh.... I'm just here to prove a point."..... Well. I'm going to prove a point. You suckas may play it right on the main card winning your matches against Peter Gilmour and Muddy Waters.... But when it comes to the halls of Calypso's Federweight Title.... The realm changes and the tile that your old homeless idols used to walk on are cracked, pissed on, and left for renovating.

You could stand down now Danny Industrial. You could submit your resignation in this division and walk back to your Hart Championships. You could admit your defeat and plead that Calypso talks about you no more. Or you could just fuck off. Regardless, gimme my title you worthless, worthless, worthless, hopelessly worthless, unworthy wanna-be-something but hardly close, be-bopping, booger blaming asshole.



Calypso shrieks as Danny lays his hands on him and blows his rape whistle!!!!!


TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!



An old English police brigade marches in in full uniforms and batons and attack Danny Imperial the Federweight Champion! They beat him so bad that he goes down and lays on his back! Calypso dives in for the pin!!!!!!! He's trying to win the title seven times!!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!! OMMMMMMMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

[I clearly can't keep this 12 hour thing going, you should totally have won this. I sat here thinking I had 24 hours to respond. I'll respond, but consider it won.]

"I don't think you get it. It's not that I'm shitting on the title, its a beautiful piece of gold. It adorns my waist better than your mothers thighs and brings me much joy to hold up. It simply... Is an easy title to lose, one that is ripped away so quickly from your hands. 6 x Federweight champion doesn't mean shit when you can achieve that across two weeks. So, impact? Go fuck yourself. Super Mario had a shit ton of title runs too, didn't think they meant shit.

Now if your pale-white ass is going to boast about being the longest reigning federweight champion, maybe that might hold an inch or two against me but that's not true now is it? I fight, I bleed, I ache for my victories. What do you do, flaunt your 80's hippy hair and run your mouth for yours?

You sicken me, you two-bit child, you don't even deserve to put wrestler in that resume, let alone Champion. Go find a crack whore to stick something up your butt, stroke your ego whilst she strokes her strap. This, is not going to be the place you come for any respect."

The English cops come, swarming Danny Imperial and catching him by surprise. The smell of stale tea and the sight of crooked teeth overwhelm him. He gags, he wrestches, he gets taken to the mat and passes out for the three count.

[awaits management for the 3!]