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Homage to penile excellence
04-15-2018, 06:45 PM
Post: #1
Madison Dyson stands in front of a white board, but at first blush you can't discern anymore than that. Her expression is stretched and annoyed, wishing she could be anywhere but here. She takes a marker from the tray and uncaps it. Hello everyone, my name is Madison Dyson. Because the universe is a cruel and unfair place I am here today to serve out my court ordered community service for putting my tongue inside a prudish camp councilor, while my client continues to be scott free for murdering a man on live television. Madison turns towards the board and starts writing her name. So welcome to Sexual Assault Prevention 101. I hate my life and want to die.

The shot pans back now, to reveal we are inside a smaller sized lecture hall at a community college. The tiered seats are full of fresh faced college freshmen. And Engy, who has a bag of popcorn in hand.

One of the students raises her hand. Weren't you the one who got Donald Trump killed?

Madison closes her eyes and sets her jaw as she tries to put her murderous impulses in check. No, I did NOT get Donald Trump killed. That was one of my coworkers.

Another student pops up a hand. Weren't you on Fox News?

Engy, without missing a beat, interjects before Madison can. She was but she got fired because she killed the president. He blurts it out, showering the kids in front of him with soggy popcorn debris from his mouth.

Madison tosses her arms out at her sides and looks at her client with the gravest annoyance. Why are you even here?!

Because rape stops with me. He open palm slams more popcorn into his face.

Madison shoots the assembly a last withering look before turning back towards the white board. She brings the marker up to the board and starts writing. I'd like to start out by saying that even though I am mandated to stress that either gender can be sexually assaulted, it has been to my experience that any man who says he's been assaulted possesses a smooth, scrotumless groin. So yeah, as a man, you can report sexual assault, but you will be branded a dickless wonder the rest of your life. So I'm just gonna go ahead and focus on what women can do to not get sexually assaulted. Madison turns back towards the class and we see she has written “Don't be a fucking slut” on the board.

A fat girl whose hair and clothing choices scream “I am offended by everything” is already sobbing openly. I AM INCREDIBLY TRIGGERED BY THAT WORD!

Madison looks back at the board and then back at the SJW. What? “Don't?” As in, DON'T have that last Krispy Kreme? Because, hon, I'm starting to think maybe you should start accepting that advice.

Engy covertly slides out of his seat just as the screaming erupts. He slinks his way towards the back door of the hall and scoots out into the hallway. The shouting reaches a crescendo just as the door slips closed, stifling the noise. Engy, having finished the popcorn, crumbles up the bag and tosses it into a nearby recycle bin. He appears in a Student Union now, food kiosks, a book store and a large lounge stretch out before him. Taking a deep breath in, and then releasing it, Engy addresses the camera. Ahhhhh....higher education.He shrugs. I don't know a goddamn thing about it. Engy keeps walking and the camera starts to follow him. He stops then, looking back. What, were you expecting more? Well sorry, I spent most of my formative years licking park benches for spilled crack rock and punching the chronically homeless in the face until they threw up blood, so this is a smidge outside my wheelhouse. It was the proverbial school of hard knocks for me. Nonetheless, I am a learned man! He smirks. Ohhhhh, STILL gonna bring the theme right back around! He pumps his fist triumphantly. Sauntering over to a soda machine, he dumps some quarters in and a Diet Coke spills out. I may not have a fancy piece of paper on my wall, but when experience and adversity is your teacher, well, forgive me for thinking that's actually a much better lesson plan.

Engy plants himself in a chair nearby, unstopping the Coke and taking a swig. And this past Warfare? Oh ho hooooooo, what a teacher. Actually, it was like one of those bitchy sexually repressed nuns from Catholic school coming around to wrap your knuckles with a ruler because you spent a tad too long in the bathroom. I wasn't masturbating damn it, I just had a really high fiber diet! He waves his hand dismissively. Nevermind. But look, Warfare was not a shining moment for me. My first loss in MONTHS. Losing the tag team championships, which, side bar, that talk with Gravy went about as well as you can guess....

Engy Flashback


Engy's sitting in the bathtub, having himself a nice bubble bath surrounded by multiple empty cans of Schlitz ringing the tub. Cell phone in hand, he's speaking with someone on the other end. Hey buuuuuddy, did ya happen to catch Warfare?

**Inaudible**

Oh, so you didn't then? Ok. Well, remember that ass kissing interview process I made you and the rest of the roster slog through to become co-tag team champions with me?

**Inaudible**

Right...right. And then I picked you and made this big deal about it. And then you cut this epic promo on how shitty it would be to be stuck being tag team champions with Pete and that was part of the reason why you bailed on him to team with me?

**Inaudible**

And then I swore a blood oath with you complete with expensive esoteric rituals and occult grimoires that I would hold those belts until you were well enough to defend them with me?

**Inaudible**

Well, let me preface this by saying....

**LOUDER Inaudible**

I may have kinda lost the belts to Peter Gilmour and Chris Chaos.....

**EXTREMELY LOUD AND PROTRACTED INAUDIBLE RESPONSE**

Engy drops the phone on the floor, takes a deep breath and sinks underneath the bubble bath.

Now


The combinations of profanity that man is capable of are like poetry. Engy kicks his feet up on a table in front of him, knocking copies of the college's local rag on the floor. But enough about that! Do mine eyes deceive me or do I get the pleasure of facing the great Peter Gilmour again?!He claps his hands together and actually looks rather happy. I'm not taking the piss. I'm actually feeling good about this, but for reasons you probably wouldn't have surmised. Peter, last Wednesday, when I looked across that ring at you during my futile bid to retain those tag belts, I saw something interesting. I saw....I saw.... Engy looks up, musingly, before looking back at the camera.

I saw number 32.

He lets the statement hang in the air for a moment, vouching for itself before shifting his weight to crane his body over the armrest of the chair, bringing himself closer to the camera. For the first time since I got here, I caught a glimpse of why someone, at some point, deigned to put you on that list. I saw a Peter Gilmour that was focused, determined, and most importantly, one who was aware that momentum was in his favor and capitalized on it.

Now, I'll bet you expected me to sit here and ramble off some lame excuses for why I lost. I won't. That loss is on my back. I'm the one who failed to discern Chris' identity until it was late in the game. I'm the one who alienated my son to the point that he had no intention of doing anything but show up for a pay day. THE LOSS IS MINE. I own it! You could even say that karma, cosmic bitch that she is, had finally called in my dues. After all, what happened to me was strikingly similar to what happened to The Motherfuckers at Wargames.
Engy shrugs and chortles. I had it comin'! I did!! And do you know what else sealed my fate at Warfare? I underestimated you. Check it, Petey. Who put me down in that match?

Hey promo monkeys, this is the part where I want you to insert the final moments of the tag match as a refresher.
Engy points to the empty air above him where, helpfully, an inset plays the end of the tag team title match from Warfare.

Replay:PETER GILMOUR IS THE LEGAL MAN! The tag had already been made!

Gilmour rolls back inside the ring and Engy, infuriated, pulls him to his feet……


GILMOUR CUTTER OUTTA NOWHERE! 

Engy’s head crashes down to the mat hard, but Gilmour is also down! 

What the hell? Joachim Bright is walking up the ramp!! It looks like he's completely given up on this match!!

Chaos is reaching out trying to get himself in. His finger tips only an inch away from Gilmour....thankfully Gilmour has all that extra fat which alllows Chaos to barely graze Gilmour's belly with his finger tips. The ref signals that a legal tag has been made and Chaos quickly climbs into the ring and covers Engy!

The inset dissappears. I'm gonna go ahead and assume they earned their pittance. But did you catch that shit, Pete? Chris didn't take me down. You did! Engy mouths “goddamn” at the camera. You know what this means, don'cha? It means I gotta start taking you seriously. And maybe I should have done it all along. After all, I toyed with you during our death match and somehow, I was the only one who got burned by that. Literally. But hey, while we're spit ballin' here, let's ride this train all the way to Grand Central Station.

What if you're the one I've been looking for?


Engy smiles and he pulls his feet down off the table, leaning in even further to give the lens his full attention. His body is suddenly awash in barely restrained energy, and he becomes more animated as he speaks. I said as much in the run up to the tag match. I'm looking to fill a void, Pete. An ache...a sore that the death of Jim Caedus left in my heart. I need someone to FULFILL me! He gestures at himself emphatically as he speaks the words. And I never considered that maybe it could be you! I mean, the way people clown on you, look down on you, it's easy to see why I didn't give that thought the time of day. But then I considered it some more, and I realized that the way people see you is a hell of a lot like how people used to see me. Paul Heyman, praise be whatever gutter he's presently moldering in, refused to move me up his impact players list no matter how many times I won early on. And I got ragged on incessantly. Shit, me growing a functioning brain was probably one of the worst things that could have happened to you because it put you right back in the dunce seat.

Engy extends a hand.

Well let me pick you up outta that seat Pete. Let me have a look at you, dust you off. Because I'm saying that maybe....just maybe....you don't deserve that anymore. I see it in you now. That spark. That drive. I got that little tingle in my balls now, seeing your name across from mine on the card. Not because I'm aroused. Okay, maybe a LITTLE aroused. But mostly because now a part of me is questioning, “Can he do it?” Engy's smile suddenly turns malicious. This is a very bad thing for you of course. Because a properly motivated Engy is a thing of awesome and terrible power. The kind of power that mounts Apexes and wins crowns and holds Xtreme championships longer than any other living soul in recent XWF memory. And it's the kind of power that I'm fixin' to drop at your door step at Warfare. Not because I don't respect you.

But because I do.

You earned it Pete. Every bit of it. Now holla at 'yo boy and let me know what you're gonna do with it.


Engy polishes off the drink and tosses the empty bottle over his shoulder. It's gotten awfully quiet over there. I should probably make sure Madison's not getting her shit pushed in by a bunch of angry organically sourced Tumblrinas.

Engy makes his way across the student union and back to the lecture hall. Pushing open the door, he's surprised to find that all is calm, but that most of the students have left. Walking down to the front of the hall, we see that Madison is reclining seductively on a table surrounded by some jar headed jock-types. She giggles at something one of them just said as Engy steps up to the fore. Should have known. Hey guys, did you know that the panther is the biological cousin of the cougar. Fun fact, just throwin' it out there.

Madison looks up at Engy, undeterred by the dig. Oh, there you are. We were just talking about your crushing, career defining loss at Warfare. Are you still soaking your pillow with tears at night, or can we stop putting those moisture lock slipcases on them?

Engy makes a pained expression and mimes pulling an arrow from his chest. Yowch. It burns us!

One of the jocks claps a big arm around Engy and points at him. But for real, bro! You lost to the SUPER DICK!

Engy's lip twitches and he blinks a couple times in rapid succession, but he tries to put on a face that doesn't look homicidal. I did....I did....

The jock pumps his free hand into the air. SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK! And just like that, the chant catches like fire. Even Madison joins in!

SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK!

Engy is trying really hard. He slinks away from the mug who put an arm around him. Alright guys, alright. I lost! Insert fake sounding chuckle here. But it wasn't THAT....

SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK!
SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK! SU-PER DICK!

Seconds later....


Engy comes bursting through the doors of the lecture hall, dragging Madison along with him by the wrist. Through the brief glimpse of the hall that the door allows us before swinging back shut we see...Oh God....so, so much blood. Engy himself is slick with it, his face set in an angry countenance as Madison shrilly bitches at him. You're not even gonna get in trouble for this are you?! I FUCKING HATE YOU!

The shot settles on the swinging lecture hall door before fading to black.

[Image: 9QBn3eQ.jpg]





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