Last time on Days of Our Choo-choo's Engy used to be . Maybe. Jury's still out on if that was legit. But during that time he had a psychiatrist named Dr. Bennie. Dr. Bennie also worked for a whackadoo pagan death cult that thought Engy was the key to the return of their god, Aiwass. Dr. Bennie manipulated Engy towards this end, until Engy got smart and turned the tables on all of them.

The slow ticking of a clock is all that's heard in the well kept office of Dr. Bennie. Engy is laying on the couch, with Dr. Bennie seated at the head. Bennie has his ever present notebook in hand, but nothing is written on it.

Looking deeper, something is different from the last time we saw these two men sharing a room. A power imbalance corrected, and then tipped again in favor of the man on the couch. Dr. Bennie's once confident eyes have a nervous twitch to them. His finger taps on the paper, his foot bobs. A body betraying the suppressed fear of it's owner.

So Doc, what do you think? I'm planning on having a Mystery Opponent Reveal viewing party tonight. What kind of grub do you serve with that? I'm thinking Hoagies maybe...? Hmmm....but then again Madison's watching her girlish figure.....Engy puts a finger to his chin, musing.

Dr. Bennie clears his throat. Dexter....what are we doing here? Am I allowed to....speak freely? Or....?

Engy cants his head up to look at his pet psychiatrist, upside down from his present vantage point. You are free to offer recommendations on my food selections. Why do you think I asked, duh?

But you came in here to talk about your mystery opponent.

Engy faces up to the ceiling again. I did, didn't I. Hmmmm. So tell me Doc, why am I so fixated on this?

Dr. Bennie gulps deep. I'm allowed to offer a....?

Engy waves his hand dismissively. Yes, yes, yes! You can give an ACTUAL opinion, and not just tell me how handsome and amazing and well endowed I am.

Dr. Bennie clears his throat, still betraying some trepidation. Well, I think you're so fixated on this mystery competitor because it's the first time in your entire XWF career you haven't fully been in control of the situation. I think, despite your eccentric exterior, you are a man who prizes control, and is loathe to cede it.

Engy again puts on his musing face, humming along with the doc's assessment. Hmmmmm. Yes....yessssss. Perhaps. That's kinda psych 101 though, isn't it? Nah, I think it's more like this. Caedus was my perfect foil. He intrigued me. He challenged me. He even kinda scared me a little. And now that he's gone....I kinda started to feel like maybe I don't have much to look forward to here. Like a piece of me went missing. But this mystery guy? He represents something for me to really sink my teeth into, ya know? I've come to realize that I'm the kinda guy that NEEDS an obsession. Like a dog with a favorite bone. I gotta have something to focus on and inspire me. A muse, if you will. But it's gotta be something I have to WORK at too. If it's too easy, it ain't worth it. You see what I'm saying?

Doctor Bennie nods emphatically. Engy turns around to look at him, and continues speaking. I think I'm so mixed up in this mystery guy because he very well could be my next Kilamanjaro. Like maybe he could fill that sucking void that Caedus left in me. And honestly, nobody else EXCITES me that way quite like Theo Pryce.

But what if you're wrong? What if it's NOT Theo after all?

Engy bites his bottom lip, then shrugs his shoulders casually. Well, then I guess I should probably speak my peace here before we know for sure.

Engy sits upright on the couch. He smooths out his shirt, hums a couple bars, and gargles some of his spit before scrocking it onto Bennie's floor. Finally, now that he's prepared to address what could be the greatest opponent of his entire XWF tenure, he begins.

Let's cut right to the bleeding heart of the matter, shall we? Let's cut right to what your beef with me is all about.

Engy's not good enough.

You know, if I had a nickel for every time somebody said I wasn't good enough. Oh wait. I do! It's called my bank account, where I deposit all those fat checks I get for beating the shit out of people who said those very words. But then again, that's the crux of your argument isn't it? That I've had it too easy. That I wouldn't last a day in XWF 2013, right? That I NEVER would have broke on through like that if I had been here just a few years earlier.

You're an old man shouting at a cloud, waxing nostalgic on those halcyon days of yore when men had hair on their chests, ring rats were wilder, and blacks wouldn't dare sit on the same shitter as you. Okay, maybe the last one was a bit of an exaggeration.

And it's not just you either. I've gotten it from all the old guard, from Vinnie Lane, all the way up the corporate food chain. Engy isn't good enough. Engy isn't good enough. It's almost like it's become XWF's new mantra “The guy who holds our top belt isn't good enough.” Eh, come to think of it it sounds pretty when you parse it that way. But it's what I'm hearing all the time! And in all of this whining, and pissing, and moaning about how I'm not good enough all of you, down to the MAN, miss the forest for the the trees.

Because all of those golden idols you worship, the men who were supposedly my betters? They're absent Gods. They're not here. They bailed....THEY QUIT! And you can't keep a company going on the backs of quitters! People don't shell out their hard earned wages just to see Steve Jason not show up!

I know you HATE it, sweetums. I know it makes you SICK deep down in your guts but...look at me...look at me....are you looking?

I'm all the XWF has got. That fact is utterly independent of your willingness to process or accept it. Your idols are gone. Engy is here. You're like a modern day Orpheus. You know the story right? Orpheus and Eurydice. Orpheus, the gallant lover, loses the love of his life in a tragic twist of fate, and her soul plunges into the depths of Hades. So Orpheus, brave guy that he is, descends into the realm of death to return her soul to the light. Now, ordinarily, that's a big no-no. But Hades himself is so taken with the young lovers' plight that he allows Orpheus to return her to the world of the living on one condition: that he not look back at her until they make it back to the surface. Well, long story short, Orpheus fucks up and looks back at Eurydice, fearing that because he can't hear her that she isn't really following. But the reason he couldn't hear her was because she was still a ghost, and having broke his pact with Hades she is sucked back into the realm of death, never to return again.

You followin' me here? You keep looking backwards at ghosts. And in the process, your lack of faith threatens to bring your world crashing down. Your golden era has collapsed under the weight of it's endless parade of egotism. Your standard bearers are gone. And if the XWF is going to continue, you NEED to accept the new status quo. You NEED to accept that guys like me are the ones feeding this place and keeping it alive. Hell, even Madison, lunatic that she is, is doing her part. She just put on the craziest most entertaining Shove-It of the modern era, and she gambled and lost on immense personal risk to her career and credibility to do it.

Oh, but I know what you're thinking.... “But I'm here now to save the day! The old guard is back!” Ok, sure, but for how long? And bringing what, if anything, that's NEW to the table? Well congrats, because that's how wrestling companies die. Because one narcissistic old timer refuses to get off the throne, no matter how many steps he's lost or no matter how much his true level of commitment has disappeared. You can apply the same argument to another of your ilk, James Raven. Sure the guy racked up a Universal Title win against a complete joke in your absence, but he dropped it to Robbie Bourbon after a transitional reign and couldn't even be bothered to so much as cut a promo in the run-up to that loss. That's what's healthy for the company? That's what the XWF NEEDS?! Let's take it a step further! Sorry Robbie, but you're a Top 50 guy too! And we all saw how GLORIOUSLY that title reign ended.

THESE ARE YOUR LEGENDS?!

You callow fuck. This company was still here waiting for you to care BECAUSE of people like me! Because I took the torch and ran with it when the old guard dropped it. I've been carrying the XWF on MY back, racking up wins against guys you shit all over because YOUR guys couldn't be bothered to stick around, or when they did stick around, couldn't be bothered to give it their all. And you play that off like it's MY fault? Like I had any say in that? Well, I guess I did in John Samuel's case, but let's face facts....he was already done well before his music hit and he stepped through those ropes with me. But that just further proves my point, like with Raven. You think guys like Samuels were gonna bring this place back to the “promised land”? Samuels was a HUSK. A shade of his former self. But me? I brought it all, like I ALWAYS DO.

Looking back at Eurydice, again. Jesus.

And you know what the real shit kicker is? If you somehow got all those legendary golden boys to sign on the dotted line I would not waste a second in hesitation accepting their challenges. Just like how I'm not shirking from you. I WANT the challenge. I NEED it! And I know how much that hurts your narrative, knowing that this “soft” new era refuses to bend in the wind to what came before, but it's the TRUTH. And it hurts me that it'll never happen. Because I know that the overwhelming majority of those guys are gone for good. And in the process, they're STILL holding me down! Anchoring me to the ocean floor because assholes like you will NEVER stop comparing me to them despite the fact that I will never, ever, have the chance to square up with them and show what I'm capable of.

So thank God, at the very least, I've got YOU. I've got YOU here, representing all those guys and holding the battle flag of XWF's bygone era. It's all on YOU sunshine. Because for as much as you like to wave this off like it “ain't no thang” this match does mean a hell of a lot to you. Because your performance in this match is the lynchpin of your entire argument. I mean, you said it yourself, you're pretty epic! What does it mean if you can't get the job done against one hacky new-era paper champion and his green-as-hell son? Pressure much?

And then you want a shot at the Universal Championship after that? Stay a while. You got it. Hey, Raven, you still hiding back there? You slipped a bit from that number one contender's spot, but I still see ya. Bourbon, you ready to go? I run from nobody. Ever. Line 'em up. DIG 'EM UP if you gotta. Because baby, I WANT IT ALL! I'm cutting this fucking anchor lose clean as I can. All you gents need to do is show up.

Old guard? New guard? I'm the entire fucking military. BRING. IT. ALL!!! I will win or die in the attempt. Because that is what the XWF needs right now, and not some tired ass broke down bitches who can't be bothered to even TRY anymore.

Engy's phone buzzes. His eyes dart to it. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.....THEO! Engy rips the phone out of his pocket. But then he looks at it with dissatisfaction. BENNIE! I NEED YOUR LAPTOP! Engy rushes over to the doctor's desk and snatches it, ripping the cord from the wall so thoroughly it snaps. Bennie winces at the destruction, but says nothing. Engy returns to his seat, hastily typing the web address for the XWF's live streaming promo service into the search bar. THIS IS IT, BENNIE! My precious Theo returns to me! Oh my GOD I am half mast thinking about how INCREDIBLE this is gonna be. I dunked his wife's head in SHIT, Bennie, LITERAL SHIT. Do you remember?!

I...uhhh....yes, yes I do remember.

Engy's hands white knuckle around the edge of the laptop. He's gotta still hate my guts, right? RIGHT?! This is gonna kick the shit outta Caedus/Engy! Oh oh oh! SHHHHH SHUT THE FUCK UP THE PROMO IS STARTING!

Bennie clamps his mouth shut despite having not said much of anything at all. Engy is utterly engrossed in the screen. Oh, see, he called this one Family Matters 2. He's talking about his wife and what I did to her and SHUT THE FUCK UP BENNIE, CHRIST!

Bennie cowers in his seat, squeezing his eyes shut and throwing his hands out in front of himself. Please...please don't hurt me....

Engy's silent now as the promo starts. He watches, and yes, we're watching a man watching another man cut a promo. It's like those stupid ass Youtube videos but with way more at stake. Engy brings his face a couple inches from the laptop screen, drinking it in, his vile mind working overdrive, his teeth working his tongue into a bloody lump. Oh yeah yeah yeah Theo. Not a bad promo...not awful. I mean, I've seen better and I've seen Gilmour's, it's somewhere in the middle. Now come on come come on, give daddy what he wants....

Engy keeps watching, no way he's turning away now. Not when the fate of XWF's main event is at stake. Ok, we got the seesaw again. More of these gay ass cuts from a Linkin Park video. Come on Theo, you're not fooling me with this creepy try hard shit. You're playing down, playing dumb. You're better than this, trying to fool me right up to the bitter end.

More viewing, the sound of police sirens can be heard belching out from the laptops speakers. ACTION SCENE! Theo definitely has the money to pay for these production values....SHUT THE FUCK UP BENNIE I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN! Bennie wraps his arms around himself and starts to cry but Engy doesn't notice.Back to that damn seesaw again...creepy guy. Isn't the guy from Linkin Park dead? Theo must have got this shit on discount. Huh. The promo keeps rolling and The Universal Champion's attention never wavers once. After a period of time his eyes go wide. Whoa....JUMP SCARE! Kinda the “go to” when you got nothing meaningful to say. That Theo though, he's pretty good at playing stupid. I mean, this whole thing is like some flavorless rock video/big budget Michael Bay 'splode a thon. Theo's doing a bang up job of making me feel like he doesn't really have a point, but it's gotta be coming, right?

Engy blinks a couple times, mouthing along with the coded text as it plays across the screen. He shakes his head a bit, looking a smidge befuddled. What kind of “Blood on the Dance Floor” pablum is that? Ok Theo, you can't be doing this yourself. Did you PAY somebody to suck THIS MUCH?

The promo continues it's cycle, through the decimation of the burning building (Engy makes a fart noise through his lips when that happens) to Peter picking up the phone now. Engy perks up a bit at this, his eyes which had started to lid with boredom are now snapping open once more. Gotta be getting close now, THEO'S CALLING PETER! Peter, I can smell you from here. Its like Axe Body Spray and dick cheese.....oh, hold up....hold up....who's this....?

And just then, something changes. A seismic shift in the room. Engy's mouth turns into a deep frown, he blinks a few more times, like a desperate man in the desert looking at a mirage. But the water is a lie, a perverse, awful lie. The champ can scarcely produce words. Wh.....why....why Jenny Myst? Theo? Theo? Why you got Jenny Myst running interference, why are you....? He trails off again. And then black tears start to rim his eyes as the horrifying truth comes crashing down. Santa Claus is a lie. The Easter Bunny is too. God is a delusion.

The big reveal plays out real time.

Introduce a little anarchy.

Upset the established order,


and

everything

becomes.....



A very long and very uncomfortable silence follows. Engy, numb and in deep mourning, stares blankly at the screen. Bennie, frozen with terror, doesn't dare make a move. Finally, The Engineer breaks the silence. Dr. B?

Y-yes sir?

The champ selects his words with the precision of a five star general. I'm going to need you to take that stapler on your desk, and shove it up your asshole.

A choked sob emits from the doctor. Pl....please....please....no.....

All the way up your asshole.

Bennie looks at the stapler, and then back at Engy. He weeps openly as he pries himself up off his seat and picks the stapler up off the desk. He turns to Engy, opening his mouth to beg piteously for the sanctity of his rectum. But Engy simply shakes his head “no”. Bennie solemnly begins to undo his belt and unbutton his trousers.

The camera pans mercifully away from Dr. Bennie. Engy rubs the black tears from his eyes, looking deeply wounded. I just....I guess I just never figured it would suck THIS much. He puckers his lips, and a small sardonic laugh comes out. I was so, so wrong. It just never occurred to me that the “big reveal”....heh...BIG GODDAMN REVEAL.....would be THAT underwhelming. I mean, no wonder you held off that long when the card specifically said “identity revealed in first promo” But nooooooope, you waited 'till the bitter end. Right to the end to rip my guts out and tell me miracles don't happen after all. I mean, you had to know, right? It's why you waited so long.

You just knew it would suck that HARD.

Just off camera, we hear Bennie snot out a pinched sob as his trousers hit the floor.

And, like, I'm usually the world's biggest cynic. I don't EVER assume that things will pan out for the best. And yet, like a sucker, there I was thinking “It's gonna be somebody's big return! Reno finally sucked enough dick to be let back in the building! Or, God I can't even bear to say it....Theo's finally coming back to avenge his wife. All that wasted potential. Like tears, in the rain.

Which, by the by Chris, if you want to inject a scene with genuine FEELING, that particular scene from Blade Runner is how you actually get it done. You should probably watch it so you can see why yours are so bad by comparison.

Bennie lets out a doomed moan in the background.

Engy points accusingly at the camera. And YOU, Peter! You tricked me most of all! You actually got me thinking that you were capable of something interesting, profound, and remotely intimidating. What a fool I was. Because of course, the only thing you could scrape up from the bottom of the barrel was the guy who's reputation around here is buried even deeper than yours. A guy who is just as equally undeserving of his spot in the Top 50 and, best of all, a guy I've already dunked on twice.

Yeah...sure....guess I should have seen this coming. Ya got me ya big idiots. You ambushed me with your utter banality. I was reaching for the stars when I should have been watching for the heaping turd at my feet. Stepped right in it. A big stinky doo-doo named Chris Chaos.

Gagged groans of pain filter in from off screen.

So, I dunno? Is this a win for you guys? Maybe. But it's damn sure a loss for anyone who's a fan of interesting television and dramatic tension. And it's a big loss for the tag team titles too. Because if Peter had actually picked himself a decent partner, maybe they would have finally gotten the stability they deserve. But you didn't Pete. Instead, you commiserated with failure. I've beaten you BOTH. Which makes all of Chaos bullshit about me not being good enough that much more nonsensical.

So let me go on record, once more, as saying “YES I AM BETTER THAN BOTH OF YOU.” Do you really think it's any coincidence that since I showed up neither of your lame asses has been able to cobble together ANY momentum? I stole your heat because I bring RESULTS while the two of you bring excuses, and promises to return “better than ever”. Bitch I don't have to RETURN better because I never STOPPED BEING BETTER. Jesus Chris, the BALLS on you to accuse me of being a pretender when you are the very epitome of “ain't done shit but win a lower mid card title recently”. And that's why you hid! Because you KNOW that, and you KNOW it's the only way you could come at me with ANY degree of success.

Bennie lets out an agonized scream.

Keep it up, buddy. You're almost there. Engy throws his hands out to the side, still looking kinda depressed. So there you have it. Engy's a big old dummy for holding out hope that maybe the XWF could still thrill me...challenge me.....excite me! But instead, it's just the same old shit from a couple disgruntled glorified mid-carders angry at the new kid for coming in and taking all their toys.

Well, there's two more toys you won't be getting back. Pete, grow some imagination and maybe you'll have better luck next time.

Engy gets up off the couch and walks to the door past Dr. Bennie. Bennie is face down on the floor with his ass in the air. A red stapler is fully entrenched in his brown eye.

At least somebody around here can deliver the goods.

The champ shuts out the lights and closes the door.