A drumroll precedes the view of a vibrant golden curtain as a lively, jaunty band strikes up.



As the swinging tune overtakes your soul and makes you a brighter, more chipper person by proxy, Black Angus bellows a voiceover.

Laydies an' gentlemin, wilcum tew de Jackie Peppers Experience, preessent'd bee Tacoo Bill!

The curtain pulls back and Jackie Peppers steps forward, a big smile on his face. As he does, mid step, his face drops to a look of sheer horror as he puts his hands out in front of him defensively, then gracefully leaps over a charging bull. He spins to see the bull has stopped and turned, and with a loud, climactic bang, we see Angus shoot the animal in the skull with one hell of a handgun. The fucking hand cannon, still smoking in Angus's hand, reports again, and again, and again, and a final time before it just clicks as the huge slugs pour into the corpse of the bull. Jackie looks absolutely befuddled and lost as the live studio audience applauds.

Ooooooh! Jesus! What the fuck was that, Angus?

Yer treenin, laddy, yer treenin. Kip on yer tews, lad! Think fast!

Angus whangs the huge pistol at Jackie, who sidesteps it as it hurtles into a piece of set, which immediately breaks.

S-Stop wrecking up the set!

The camera goes back to Angus, who is taking a quick sip of his handy Scotch to take the edge off the situation. The live studio audience applauds politely. Jackie looks up at the crowd, completely frazzled. He adjusts the vibrant silver tie he wore tonight.

U-Um, hi!

My name's Jackie.

W-Welcome to the f-first ever Jackie Peppers Experience. Um, I guess I had some jokes to tell you or something, but, um, how did it go? It was something about dogs? Maybe it was something with Trump?

The crowd laughs.

Yeah, the president! He's, um, funny and stuff, right? Well, maybe the joke was someone quit that worked for him! Yeah! Like, it was really funny I bet!

The crowd stares in shocked silence at Jackie, who is stammering and shuffling his way awkwardly through a monologue, showing his true weakness compared to every other XWF performer going today, he is awful at monologuing.

S-So, I have a match this Saturday? Yeah. A-And, like, I have these partners! So, there's going to be a Survivor Series match between me, Jeremiah Dixon, Vangis Greaves, and Ken Aurora and our o-opponents, Scully, Pestalance, N.A.Z.I, and Ron Cena!

The crowd gets hype for the match, which sounds kind of awesome.

Y-Yeah, and the w-winners get a title shot! I'm excited!

The crowd hoots and applauds.

So, about my teammates.

Fek yer teammates, laddy! They are a buncha sewper vanilla farts who...

No, Angus, not now, they're...

They're a bigger pile of shite than a manure sale, lad! Yer gunna haf ta carry yersell' through this if ye want a championship opportunity. Un of de daft cunts thinks yer a veteran, nah de pissin' an' cryin' baby who jus' moved out of mom and dad's. De other has to remind people he fuckin' belongs here in case he loses his backstage badge.

Angus, those are my teammates, they aren't too bad.

Aye, they're a sight better 'n yer opponents!

Y-Yeah! Like, Pestalance! First he started the Black Hand, and him and Scully were the Black Hand, being and molesting and raping people! Now he got a blackeotomy to change the melanin count in his skin, and some facial reconstruction surgury, and something that made him shorter, and now he's confused by all the crazy people in the XWF! He's so evil!

Nae, laddy, tisn't the same fella...

N-No, Angus! Scully and Pest are up to something, because he pretended to be for years before realizing his kids were . Oooooh, Scully is such a, he's a dad! Do you hear me, Scully? You're a total dad!

Lad, tha isna' an insult, yew can't jus' call someone a dad like it's bad. Do you want to talk about yer father wid us, er are ye...

I like my dad, he's cool! Scully, though, you're a dad! So is Pest! I bet N.A.Z.I, who I don't really know anything about, maybe he just has the most unfortunate initials ever, maybe he really is a piece of shit, who fucking knows since the guy isn't even relevant, but I bet he's a dad too! And to round out the grouping, I bet Ron Cena is a dad too! You're all, ooooh, you're all a bunch of dads!

Lad, tha' isna' an insult. Yew, uh...

Jackie looks insenced, amped, and ready to fight the bull that charged him earlier, having berated his opponents, or so he thought, by calling them fathers. His face plummets back to a look of terror as some glass breaks.

W-What was that?

Oh, I booked Luke Kuechly, de football player, fer yer show. I slipped some bath salts in his drinks in his dressing room and laced all his snacks with cocaine and LSD.

Luke Kuechly steps out onto the stage, foaming at the mouth, his shirt stained with blood, the head of some poor dead backstage technician in his hand. He splits the skull open and chomps into its brains, then discards the husk. He then glares at Jackie Peppers. Jackie wails in terror as he starts to get chased around the stage by bath salts'ed and coked up James Harrison, who is tripping on acid, tries to eat him.

We'll be right back after these commercials!