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Imperial · (04-02-2018)

Where did you come from?
Where did you go?
Where did you come from Danny Imperial.

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An entire door slammed to the ground, kicked off its hinges by a massive, white wrestling boot. Laughter cackles into the air as the dust settles, revealing the dark silhouette of a one Danny Imperial. His eyes are wild, a crooked smile etched onto his face. His lips were plump and wet, stained red from…. Oh who knows, honestly. His pink tongue darts out of his mouth, licking at his lips to only enhance the glisten they already had. A canine inches past his top lip, pressing into the luscious bottom lip.

“Well fuck, that took a while.”

His clothe are tattered, dirty, reeking with the smell of… Dear lord what has he been doing?! Brown and black stains streak across his once pristinely white shirt. His pants, assumedly once reached his ankles at the very least, were now ripped up above his knee. The stains on this were less visible, due to the dark cotton used to craft them. At his wrists and his ankles were the rusted remnants of chains, like bracelets and anklets. Loose chains hung off them, clinking noisily as he stretches out into his newfound freedom.

“Do you have any clue how pee had to go into these chains to get them all brown and rusted like this? DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO PEE ON YOUR HANDS? I sure hope not, you honestly have no reason to pee on yourself, at all.”

Danny slams his wrists together, causing a loud clang to echo through the speakers.

“What, you thought I’d disappeared for good?”

His grin, impossibly so, stretches further up his face.

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“Please, I couldn’t stay away from that ring even if I wanted to. But… Some fucking cunt thought they’d lock me up like I was some rednecks 12th child. Honestly, a man of my stature doesn’t simply eat out of a dog bowl, he doesn’t simply pee and shit where he sleeps, he doesn’t simply suck co-…. Ahem.”

Danny’s smile vanishes from his face, his head cocks to the right as he looks straight into the camera.
“You’re only seeing this because I stole his phone and called you here. Yes, I dislike looking like this before the world… But it was necessary. Necessary to substantiate my disappearance to the masses. Can’t have you lot thinking I’d just disappeared without reason, I was merely preoccupied… Kidnapped and abused. This is not a joke. This is not a drill.”

Danny breathes in deeply, inhaling the fresh, crisp air. His face screws up in disgust.]

“No luck, all I can smell is the cesspool I’ve been living in for the last couple of months. Disgusting. I can’t wait to return to the XWF, where the air is fresh, the grass is green… HAH.

Before I kicked down this door, as I was slamming my fist into the attendant that was designated to take care of me, I decided to go through the XWF website. You know, check out how Jimmy boy was doing, if Raven had returned again, if Engy was still fucking around with Chaos… What do I find?

Caedus is gone? Someone kidnap him too? Maybe it’s a conspiracy. Maybe they’re clearing out the XWF’s best… You know, the sexiest of the lot. Not that Caedus was sexy… Wait, this logic is flawed. Maybe if they kidnapped Jenny Myst, Myself.. Only fuckable people I can think of to be honest. I’ll have to rethink my hypothesis, get back to me in five minutes.

Nevertheless! What in the world happened? Who are all these names I see? Tank Hammet, Chris Valley, Peppers, Dweck, Famous, Ganbo… MEZIAN IS BACK? What in the world is going on. How long was I gone? How much do you want to bet on one of these new names being the cunt that kidnapped me? I bet it was Jackson Hart. Thought he’d take me out and capitalise on the millions of fans I left without an update.

Madness.

Not that new names are a bad thing. I love new faces. New faces mean new meat. New meat means wider permutations and combinations of fuckers I get to… Well… Fuck. No no.. EW. Danny, stop. You’re not fucking anything. You have to excuse me, literally all I’ve had to do these past few weeks is piss, shit and stro-

Nevermind that.”

Danny shudders, stepping out from the doorway and pulling the stolen phone out of is pocket. His wrists drip with fresh blood. A frail hand reaches up from the floor towards Danny’s ankle. The fingers touch the side of his ankle.
Danny glances back at the fingers, lifting his boot and slamming it down into the fingers with a satisfying crunch.

“I thought he was dead. Guess this malnourished body of mine really can’t bring the pain like it used to. How disappointing. Malnourished… How can I spin that. Well….

I’m starving.

Now I’ve said this before, but now it’s true in more ways than one.

Not only have I not had anything to eat other than that fuckers cu-

Ahem.

Now only have I not had anything solid to eat in weeks, I haven’t got to feed my insatiable thirst for destruction. I haven’t been able to destroy, throw, flip, slam, kick, puch, obliterate an opponent in forever. I’m hungrier than ever, and like how I’m going to head over to In N’ Out and destroy every burger they have ready-made… I’m going to plow through whoever comes in my way this week.

That’s right folks.

I’ll be there, I’ll be there at the celebration of the century, The Great American Shove it.

All you beautiful ladies can leave your panties at home, because you get to see the most satisfying showman in XWF history come back after what seems like forever. Fuck out of here with that prepubescent, Hitler looking Finn Kuhn. Ease your eyes away from the way-too-bused Jenny Myst and the kinky blood-stained tits of Mandi… Oogle at this perfect destruction machine as I coat it with the blood and sweat of any opponent who steps into the ring with me.

Admittedly, I’ve lost a few pounds… But a couple of sliders will solve that, hm?

Also… What’s more American than having a big appetite that doesn’t discriminate in how trashy the food is?

I might have snarled in disgust at the selection of superstars months ago… But today? This week, fret not. I shan’t discriminate against anybody. Food is food, fried, parboiled, grilled, steamed… Erm. Deep fried?

Fuck, I’m hungry.

Bring your flags. Bring your toupees. Bring your hot dogs. Bring your condoms.

This Shove-It… Will be the greatest, the biggest, the dirtiest fucking show you’ve ever seen. And it’ll star yours truly.”

Danny clanks his wrist back together again.

“I quite like these… I might keep them. Aesthetic.”

Danny turns away from the camera before seemingly remembering something and turns just his head back.

“I’m back, biiiiitch. Fuck you!”

fin.

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[Image: tumblr_osi3rkc9pX1u1ljrzo1_500.gif]

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