Jackie Peppers has just been given a yuge endorsement by President Trump, one of the least impactful and for all intents and purposes most credibly mediocre presidents in history in the grand scheme of things but pretty big in the news.


We open to see the exterior of Black Angus's houseboat that is parked in a cul-de-sac. Outside, on the gravel in front of it acting as a yard, Jackie Peppers, Bob Whiskey, and Angus himself are standing. Bob and Angus are putting on dark gray long coats and fingerless gloves, and Angus tops his head with a black knit cap. Jackie looks perplexed beyond comprehension, completely mindfucked by what is going on around him.

Uh, guys? I think some of those guys at Shove-It! are pretty serious, don't you think...

Nae, nae, nae!

Angus picks up a handy bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and tilts it back. Bob pulls a whole slice of pepperoni pizza out of a pocket in his long wool coat, which hugs Bob like a boa constrictor. The coat is far too tight for the corpulent Bob.

Luk, ked, we gut a goot thing gewin' wit de president here. He saw Chris Valley's prewmew and wanted ta mik Hewm Alewn Fife.

I, uh, know, but I really think...

Nae, nae! Dunna think, lad. Dunna think. Fill.

Fill? What, like get you a glass for your booze?

Nae! Fill, liek in yer heart.

Feel?

What de fuck de ye think I'd been sayin?

Jackie shrugs as Angus rolls his eye, sipping his whiskey. Bob Whiskey, on the other hand, is struggling with his pizza crust, which he seems to have gotten stuck in his nose, going in one nostril and out the other.

W-Well, do you think I should say something back?

Wut de fuck fer? Jus' gew in dat ring ant whoop their arses.

Huh?

Are ye daft, lad? Gew into dat ring and beat de shite out of 'em. E'ry las' un of dem. De worl' already knows who ye be fightin' wid dis Saturday. Yew already know sum of 'em, ya?

W-Well, there's Finn Kuhn, who's German.

Good, what else ya know about him?

W-Well, he's German. And he think's I'm scrawny. You know what, Angus, that all changes when he gets hit in the freaking mouth!

Aye, fuck yea!

A-And, there's Jenny Myst. Oooooh, I like her a lot, Angus.

Wha? De fuck, lad, ye canna be fallin fer none of yer opponents!

W-Well, what if she gets eliminated, and we don't have to fight, and, um, yeah, maybe I could buy her a flower.

Don' ye be believin' what the other fellas say about Miss Myst, lad. She's as likely to put out fer ye as she is to summon fuckin' lightning bolts from her fingers. And even if she did, yer too yung fer a case o' de crabbies. Leave de lovemakin' to mesell, lad. Yew, on de other hand, if you see that thing, jus' remember what she looks like widdout makeup.

Angus holds up a picture.


As Jackie sees this, he recoils in terror.

Das' right! She's as pretty as the floor uf a horse trailer. The birdie cun come giff my knob a polishin' anee time, hah!

Angus knocks back his whiskey.

You want to have sex with the floor of a horse trailer?

Nae!

O-Okay, Angus, if you say so. B-But what about Mezian? He was on Info Wars!

Bah, when was de last time anythin' on Info Wars was taken seriously? Jus' punch de fuck in 'is throat and end it fuckin' quick.

Oh, good point. And Dresdin? H-He's huge!

The poor soul canna even tie his ewn shoes no more, lad. He's gun soft in de head, and he wudn't solid enuff ta begin wit. He prolly tinks dat Shove-It! is at the local supermarket produce section. The dummy will start suplexin' bags of carrots and pinnin' pineapples fer a few hours before realizin' he shat his pants on de way to the store to begin wit. Dis nigga be stupid!

Woah, Angus! That's not right! You can't say that, it's racist!

Wat? I keeps it real, ant he's as white as I am!

Angus knocks back his scotch then pours a little for the homies that didn't make it here tonight. Bob Whiskey bats his shoulder with the back of his left hand, and in his right is a broom he's handing to Jackie.

What's this?

Your first Xtreme weapon.

A b-broom? Can't I go get a steel chair or something?

Nae! Yewd be likely to put yer own eye out!

With a steel folding chair?

Aye! Twas many the fool what thought they could weild the unweildy, de mighty steel chair, de claymore of Xtreme duelists the whole worl' round!

Uh, okay, so I just don't whack people with a steel chair?

Nae! Tisn't as simple as dat!

Angus wraps his gnarled, swollen knuckles around Jackie's hand, forcing him to grip the broom.

Yew need to learn ta use dis first. Be one wit de broom.

Oh, if you say so.

I do say so! Now, c'mon, de president set up a bunch of traps in my house fer us to go into like it was Home Alone. Ull bekus Chris Valley.

Hey, he said he didn't care about me!

Does dat hurt yer feelings?

W-Well, no, now that I think about it.

Okay, so yer jus' gonna hafta knock his head clean de fuck off. Who cares where ee comes frum, ya? Jus' dust him, doff 'im, and send 'im off to shit at the Statue of Liberty or whatever de fuck he wants ta dew fer fucks saek. A loner, dejected, hairy, hasna caught up wid the perks of manscaping and modern vagina, lookin ta exercise his angst wit violence. Not a trained figh'er, lad, not a contender, just a character.

Ooooooh, but he seems so cool though, riding his motorcycle, being all edgy!

Real men don't ride motorcycles! We ride horses!

As Angus says this, a Clydesdale trots up to them. Both he and Bob Whiskey mount the massive steed.

Hyah!

Angus spurs on the horse and charges into his houseboat that is parked in a cul-de-sac. As he does, Donald Trump steps out with a musket and shoots the horse right in the skull, sending it keeling as both Angus and Bob Whiskey dive for safety, crashing into two of the windows of the house boat. President Trump disembarks the house boat, stepping over the dead horse, still twitching, and takes off his raccoon skin cap. The tassles from his heavily tassled leather jacket and heavily tassled leather riding chaps jiggle about as he looks like Manhattan's Daniel Boone. He walks up to Jackie, pointing at his broom.

Oh, good. Go clean that up, the next scene is going to be yuge.

B-But, Mr. President, what about running the country?

Oh, I got bored with that last June. This is my life now.

Jackie looks perplexed as he looks at the broom in his hands. His lips slowly purse, his brow furrows, his nostrils flare, and with a new, determined look on his face, he marches forward with his basic dollar store broom and starts to beat a dead horse.