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Pestalance needs some cream in his coffee too bad I'm not gay
03-13-2018, 05:20 PM
Post: #1
Bilbo rolls up in his motorized wheelchair completely nude, with an uncooked seven pound chicken in his lap covering his naughty bits. Oh, he's also wearing blackface.

He pulls a bottle out from behind him, showing the label to the camera so we can all see it says VIAGRA, and also that it's definitely not prescribed to him, and then Popeye's music plays:

Bilbo makes a tough face at the camera and then squeezes the bottle. Nothing happens. He uses both flipper hands. Still nothing. He tries to work off the child proof top but can't.

"Mother FUCK! This is a conspiracy by the gays and the jews in Hollywood after all that stuff I said last time! Yeah, you heard me, the gays AND the jews. ESPECIALLY the gay jews. In that Venn diagram where those two demos meet you'll find the dick nosed shylock who did this to me! Hold on... play the music again..."

Bilbo starts gnawing on the bottle top with a frenzy. Luckily, one of his snaggle teeth catches the bottle right in the manufacturing defect and shreds it like a boar opening up a kidnapped prostitute left in the heat of the Florida Everglades. Finally Bilbo is able to chug the entire bottle's worth of twenty-some-odd Viagras down his throat without triggering a gag reflex even once.

There are a bunch of sound effects like a steamboat horn, a train whistle, and a gong for some reason, as the viagra flies through Bilbo's system, and engorges his various limbs. His arms and legs stretch out as the power of the V pumps through him, each ending with thee ringing of a bell like you hear at a fair when a strongman hits that one dumb game with a hammer really hard.

Finally, the chicken in Bilbo's lap stands straight up on its drumsticks and then starts spinning around.

"NOW I've reached my final form! Pestalance, I saw how you disrespected me in your last promo. You think I'm some kind of joke? Does any of this look like it's funny to you? THIS THAT REAL SHIT, NIGGA! Oh, what, you want to be a racist and say I can't drop N bombs because I'm white? hows what you know! Morgan Freeman said it was fine, and you are not as cool as Morgan Freeman! That mocha latte voice makes me hard as a rock and I would definitely have gentle, loving sex wit him if I were a homosexual which I am not. Maybe if I spoke your language I'd get through to you, huh Pest? By the way, that name SUCKS and only pedophiles and murderers would call themselves that. I bet you're both. I bet you fuck dead little boys after you kill them. Let me smell your dick and prove you don't. I bet you can't. Score one for Bilbo. I'm onto you, Wayne Williams Wannabe. Yo, Seabiscuit, hit me with that... sick... beat!"

From out of nowhere we hear a toilet flush. A long pause goes by. Then it flushes again. More pausing. Then there's a third flush and a sound like a lot of chunky water hitting tile flooring. A second later, Sebasstian Dyke walks into the room holding a wet plunger.

"I had an accident."

"It's fine. It's FINE! This is Phantom Panzer's house anyway and who knows if he'll ever come home. He's gonna be so happy we housesat for him, even though he asked that faggot Calypso to do it for him. I bet Calypso is enjoying the hell out of that date rape cocktail I made him so we could sneak in the house right when he was unlocking the door. You moved his body off the stoop,

Dyke ponders and looks like he can't remember. He taps the plunger against his chin like a set of Panzer balls as if the smell of jenkem might help him remember. He gives up eventually and shrugs.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. Just hit the spits so I can drop these wicked bars."

Dyke drops the plunger and folds his hands over his mouth and nose. It should be now that it occurs to you that there was never the sound of a sink running from the bathroom earlier. Dyke starts popping mad beatboxing skills out and Bilbo bobs his head.

"Yo... uh... yo... uh huh...

Yo Pestalance, nigga, you a waste of space nigga, you wanna dance nigga? Get out my face nigga, this yo last chance nigga, so best make haste nigga, I dont wear pants!

Yo name be Pest, I ain't gon' rest, I like your chest, I'll fuck you best, but I ain't gay!

Damn Seabiscuit I am dropping straight fire over here, don't stop yet...

Uh... uh... uh...

Yo yo yo I don't sweat no black skin, I know you thin skin, my favorite's lamb skin, up in your mouth!

Yo Me and SD - gonna slay thee - like Stephen Curry droppin rainbow threes - on your best lady - because straight we be - not gay totally - cuz we bx3! NOW MAKE SOME NOISE!"

At this point Dyke stops beat boxing and he presses play on an old school stereo which starts playing thee hook from Let Me Clear My Throat.

Dyke then wheels out an industrial fast food fryer, and Bilbo dips his seven pound chicken cock into the 400 degree grease. The chicken fries to a golden brown and Bilbo starts drooling. Then Dyke unfolds a big piece of cardboard onto the floor and starts breakdancing.


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