///WAY INTO THE FUTURE///


Fascinating....utterly fascinating!

The man in the futuristic lab coat intones as he surveys the remains on the floating sled keeping them aloft on a wave of anti-gravity. Another scientist approaches the floating remains from the other end. His right eye makes a series of clicking noises as he captures images of the skeletal remains with his cybernetic eye.

The camera's view shifts up and above the remains, allowing a better vantage point of it and the rest of the lab. The lab itself has a futuristic wave like design to it's various inscrutable consoles and doodads. Blinking lights pock mark the scene as, further in the background, a humanoid robot tends to some menial janitorial tasks.

What is that....?

The scientist inquires as he farts loudly. Oddly, the other man seems to take no notice of the overt flatulence.

The item in question, just out of reach of the bodies' skeletal hand, appears to be a heavily faded can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I believe that's what the old ones referred to as a “beer”. It was simultaneously the cause of and solace for most of humanity's problems during that era.

Ah. Has the Arch Team managed to make heads or tales out of the location the remains were found in yet?

Both scientists cut massive assquakes, almost at the same time. Again, neither seems to notice.

They believe it may be a “Waffle House”, a place a certain segment of the Old Ones population would go to torture their insides with indigestibles which would cause them to spend entirely too much time in the bathroom. It is estimated that this bathroom time resulted in untold hours of lost livelihood and productivity.

Praise Science that we're beyond that now.

Another raucous fart.

This specimen is particularly interesting for a number of reasons. Note the prominent brow, which seems more reminiscent of an ape or Cro-magnon. Also note the tiny skull capacity, advanced tooth decay, and unusual facial characteristics that would seem to imply gross mental . He was also found with the tattered remnants of a photo of a young girl which the Chem team determined had been doused in human tears.

Very unusual! What do you say we bring in Bioform B to give us some added insight into the nature of this sad strange creature?

That sounds like a **FFFFFAAAAAAAARRRRTTTT** fantastic idea. Oh, but he is fitted with the aggressiveness inhibitor? You never can trust these Old Ones.

Of course!

The latter scientist peels back the flesh of his hand and speaks into it.

Please send in Bioform B, we're hoping he can lend some insight into this latest specimen.

After a brief wait, the door to the lab irises open and The Engineer steps inside. He's wearing loose fitting white clothing, but he has some sort of blinking mechanical contraption sticking out of his head.

NO! I AIN'T DOIN' IT! You think you can just rip me outta an afterlife chock-a-block with lusty virgins, spin me up in this stupid clone body with this stupid machine jammed in my skull and expect me to be some kinda lap dog you can EAT SH-

The contraption sticking out of Engy's head pulsates, and he instantly explosively vomits. The robot obediently scoots over to begin vacuuming it up immediately. Engy, shuddering from the abrupt force of the purge, leans against the nearest counter.

Yes, yes Bioform B...no more of those nasty angry thoughts that doomed your era in the first **FAAAAAAARRRRTT** place.

Engy takes a moment to get his breathing under control.

What the fuck is up with all the farting?

Our bodies have been bioengineered to no longer need to produce stool. We operate at such optimum nutritional efficiency that nothing is wasted anymore. Of course our digestive systems now work so diligently and thoroughly that some **FAAAAAAAAART** gas is...unavoidable.

So you monsters have removed from yourselves the simple joy of sitting down to have a shit?

The scientists look at each other incredulously.

You Old Ones found that joyful?! Intriguing, and probably a tad bit expected given your messy and slovenly natures. Oh, I just got an update from the chem team.

His eye instantly generates a holographic 3-d image of the report.

It would appear our primitive friend here died from a combination of every known sexually transmitted disease, kidney disease, coronary heart disease and....

MUDDY!

By this point Engy has made his way over to the skeleton.

You know this **FAAAAAAART** creature?

Yeah, it's Muddy Waters. I wrestled him once or twice.

Hmmm...yes, your “combat entertainment.”

The scientist notes with disdain before continuing.

The results also indicate that by the time this....:”Muddy”....died his bloodstream was composed of no less than 62% alcohol by volume. Unbelievable.

The scientists share a mirthless and derogatory chuckle between themselves.

Oh “Meh Meh Meh”!

Engy mocks their laughter with a whiny “bitch boy” affectation.

You two really think you're better than us, don't you?

Well, certainly more **FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAARRRRT** evolved, at least. Bioform...

Engy. My name is Engy.

Ok “Engy”, surely it must be clear to you by now that you Old Ones' lack of wisdom and insight was only matched by your capacity for self-destruction. Can you truly blame us for feeling superior?

Engy reaches over onto the sled and picks up the rusted can of PBR. He absent mindedly tosses it between his hands as he continues.

Yeah, sure we were fucked up. We did a lot of dumb things. We didn't always see the forest for the trees. But at least we were HUMAN. At least we had actual FEELINGS and FEARS and HOPES and weren't some unfeeling objectivist NIGHTMARES like you guys!

Engy points the beer can at each of the scientists in turn as he addresses him.

But his life must have been so....untidy. **FAAAAART**

Of course it was untidy, that's the point you ASS-

Engy stops himself just before his brain implant forces himself to hurl.

Of course it was untidy, but that's part of what made the human condition so beautiful. That wasn't something I learned until it was too late. Take Muddy here. You know why he punished himself so hard and made himself so sick? Because he was a lonely pathetic bastard who couldn't cope with a life time of poor choices and failures, and deep down inside, he truly loved his daughter who he realistically had to know would never love him in return because of the unrelenting stream of bad life choices that he made. His entire existence was a self perpetuating cycle of bitterness, self loathing, and addiction which in turn only begat more bitterness and self loathing. But nonetheless this tough, dumb bastard of a human being....he ENDURED. He got up every morning and cut stupid promos and drank himself into oblivion only to do it again and again and again well past the point that his physical form should have been able to cope with the punishment. This man had no right to be alive. And yet, because of some amorphous quality....some intrinsic invisible trait...he was. He kept on going. Or at least he did, until he finally keeled over onto the greasy floor of some podunk waffle house many, many years later than he realistically should have. But why, you ask yourselves. What kept this man going?

My take? Love. His love for a daughter who probably hated him for the rest of both of their natural lives.

And if all of that is not just the most beautiful, bittersweet human shit you ever heard then there is just no hope for you.

God bless you, Muddy Waters.

Both scientists cringe when Engy mentions “God”. One of them lets out a perfunctory squeak of a fart that sounded wet and he rushes from the room with a look of abject horror on his face.

Plus I'm sure Muddy at least knew how to appreciate a good shit!

Okay Engy, this is quite enough. You're going back into your containment unit.

Fuck you.

He tosses the beer at the scientist's head, and Engy immediately convulses into deep retching.

The scientist, rubbing his bruised head, incredulous at having to be subject to violence, screams into the speaker in his hand.

SECU-**FAAAAAAAAARRRRT**-RITY!

In a flash, a team of black deadly looking robots rush into the room and dog pile Engy. Engy starts reflexively choking on his own vomit as they compress his lungs. The puke lodges in his throat, cutting off his airway. But nonetheless, he smiles as he slips back into the sweet embrace of death, knowing he stood up for the beautiful disaster that is what it truly means to be human.

///NOW///

Engy suddenly sits up in bed, mottled with sweat.

Jesus what a weird ass dream. I gotta stop eatin' Chick Fil A right before bed. Makes me wax all philosophical and shit.

Engy pulls the covers back up to his chin and turns away from the camera to continue his snooze.