"Excuse me, sir?"

A grizzly, Brooklyn accent blurts out from the window of the limousine parked in front of Muddy's apartment. I try ignoring the voice as I hustle up the sidewalk having just pulled up and parked behind the vehicle as inconspicuously as possible.

"Hey, man I know you hear me- what's going on in there? Ms. said it wouldn't be more than an hour. She's not picking up her phone."

It was nearing sunset in the Valley. Jane has been unconscious for sometime now and I was sent out to get something more binding than the string of Muddy's dirty whites we tied to together to keep our unintended hostage seated in her chair. I was now going to have to face this guy who gave me friendly nods on my first departure and return. After Jane was first knocked out I panicked and ran out to get help...

Only I didn't know the nearest liquor store was over ten miles away.

Judge me.

That's fine.

I wasn't able to think clearly and certainly alcohol would prevent our increasingly horrid situation from spiraling further out of control.

But even now, a pint of Evan Williams swimming in my stomach- I hadn't the slightest idea just what in the fuck we were going to do. I try nuzzling the Home Depot bag containing the hemp based rope out of sight as I address Jane's limo driver slash body guard-esque man.

"Oh, yeah man..."

I'm doing everything I can to keep my knees from rattling into one another.

"...yeah, the negotiations are pretty intense right now. But I think we're getting close to striking a-"

"What's that rope for?"

I can feel my already pale complexion growing whiter. My heart is racing... I've got to be smooth here or risk being thrown in prison.

"...what rope?"

Smooth.

"The fuckin rope right there in the bag!"

Okay my chance for a bounce back.

"...oh. This rope?"

FUCK!

Now the hefty fucking driver is getting out of the limo- and if looks could kil- I'd be deader than the dead broad in Muddy's bathtub. I start back shuffling closer to the apartment.

"Yeah, yeah it's cool man..."

I holler out as my back hit's the door and I frantically grab for the door knob.

"...it's just for a thing! One of those things, we needed for the thing they're doing. It's compli-look I'll tell Jan- JANE! I'll tell Jane to call you back as soon as I get in here..."

I turn the knob and fall into the apartment backwards, and nearing a panic attack induced state of hyperventilation I quickly stand and slam the door shut behind me- locking the deadbolt. I turn around to see Jane still sleeping in the wooden kitchen chair, poorly tied up by a rope of dirty underwear. Over on the couch Muddy is studying my AV guy's phone with what appeared to be some semblance of diligence as something called hashtag "Study Muddy" was trending douchebag wide.

"The fuck is going on guys?"

"The Universal Champion cut some kind of promo on our boy."

Matthew's words are reading pink because he's still a bitch,

"Oh come on guys. We don't have time for this shi-"

"there's still a nonzero chance of you living through this match and seeing your infinitely more successful daughter again."

"What is that?"

"It's the guy Muddy is facing this week."

"Why does he sound all nasally and gay for? Are you sure that's the guy?"

"SHHH!"

Muddy said holding up a finger while still not taking his eyes off from Matthew's phone.

It's now dawning on me that during my exercise in futility with Muddy Waters, I hadn't once heard an opponent of his directly attack him. Sure, Graves said an off color remark about his relevance or something very watery, and Graves-like. But nothing as remotely threatening, or as remotely pomp as this douchebag was saying.

"just keep doing what you've been doing your whole life and don't get smart. Stay dumb. Keep your head down. Or else you're liable to lose it. "

And at that moment I notice a gleam of sorts about Muddy that I had never seen before. He seemed sobered by the words of his rival, and with the little smile forming in the side of mouth he seemed legitimately amused by what he was hearing.

"Well, well, well...

Oh fuck! This moron is going to start responding without us even filming him...

"Matt! Roll the camera damnit!"

"If it ain't another one of the dime a dozen...

fuckin' wannabe Steven Hawking 'tough guys' that's been litterin' the x-dubya-ef fer' years on end.

Another stupid sumbitch so full of em'self he thinks he's got erry'thing bout Muddy Waters figured down to a science.

Like he can just overlook Muddy.

Done wrote me off cuz Muddy a "lesser" of the "better guys" you "walked over" in yer' sleep.

Well you better wake up and study a little harder you fuckin dweeb.

Because rather than actually taking the time to prepare fer' the very real threat facing you at Saturday Savage- yer' feeble ass is obsessing over some neurotic dick sucker who was so hauntingly obsessed with a Waters that he was convinced you were my daughter wearing a mask.

How's at make ya' feel?

Fer' all yer' turd polishing and ass kissing you did- Ol' Jim the conspiracy king never even really thought you existed.

This is yer' definition of smart?

This is you bein' a few steps ahead of Muddy?

Throwin in little quips like PBR, F.A.S and Piggly Wiggly as if it somehow has DixieLand connotations that'll make me look foolish? Fer' starters only faggit college students drink Pabst. Fer' two if I was what you've done figured me for- I couldn't afford to shop at Piggly Wiggly dumbass.

See yer' so fuckin' smart that you-like that nappy headed Tomi Larhen knock off you parade around with- can't break yer'selves away from all at culturally trigger prone bullshit you ramble about.

So Muddy's got em' a twang on his speech, at makes him a baby born outta' a alcohol womb?

How the fuck do I walk then?

How the fuck did Muddy have a full ride scholardship to play football at Kentucky?

How in the FUCK did Muddy Waters beat the breaks off the last little know it all faggit who played the: "I'm smart and beaten better-yer' a hick sister lover", Karl Cross, or any of the other half a dozen or so people I done whipped up on in the XWF?

So gimmie' a got'damn break! You think I'm beneath you? Nah boy. You aint shit really. And I'm just being honest here. You aint but a beneficiary of swimmin with the Minos of yer era.

See ya'll stay up there near the warm waters, swimmin all purdy and such, while down here at the bottom, always lurkin be the crawdaddies- ready ta' reach up and grab hold of yer' ass and pull ya' back down to the murk. That's what Muddys' bout'ta' do- fuck yer' fish smellin' cunt to the point of submission.

See here's the skinny of it, boy. Fer' as fuckin smart as you think you are- you ain't gotta gotdamn clue what yer' ass is up against. Who you've beat in the past aint got a fuckin' thing to do with Muddy Waters.

Funny you had bigger things on yer' mind than poor ol' dumbass Muddy- namely the already mentioned cock sucking InfoWars fiend who couldn't separate fiction and reality- yet you still took the time to open yer' eyes and yer' mouth towards me?

See I think yer' more worried then you let on- and at's alright. You should be fuckin worried. Jus ta' think! The brand spankin' new Universal Faggit get's his ass kicked by the lowly redneck who is lesser than the people he walked over in his sleep. See all you've done is faced people yer' entire career who are eager to win, eager to prove to you that they're sumthin'- see Muddy knows what he is and Muddy knows what he aint- and he ain't worried about losin' to some who got smart or his whore that he done had his way with down in the Federweight hall.

Muddy is however gunna' be ready to get his hands on this little rat lookin' sumbitch who said he was gunna' inflict more agony on me then ever- or whatever impossibly glistenin' ass claim you made. It'll be fun. So better bring yer' biggest fuckin' beatin' stick boy because I KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM!

AND I COULD GIVE A FUCK LESS ABOUT YOU!

I’M MUDDY WATERS AND MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN Y-

"OH SHIT! SHE'S GONE!"

Matthew points the camera toward the chair where Jane was seated, its empty. He then points to the front door, it’s open! And of course stumbling down the sidewalk toward her limousine and screaming for help is Jane . Yep. We’re fucked now.

-to be continued-