If you guys could check out my first rp and let me know what was good and what needs work it would be appreciated much!


http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=30809

First off....

Quote:If you don't know what a blue waffle is run a google search, believe me it isn't a waffle at all.

...DON'T ANYONE DO THIS EVER! Ehhhh, who am I kidding you sick fucks probably all know what it is already....

First off, with all seriousness, I just wanted to say welcome. As someone who has bounced around women's only divisions, and a couple female centric feds, I'm a proponent of lady characters wrestling for lady titles. I hope you stick around and continue to develop.

As intro's go, I think it was pretty good. I think you clearly identified what the character's gimmick is and the stark differences between their personalities. I've seen Jeckyll/Hyde characters like this before on rare occasions (Engy is one too to a limited extent). Zay is very cute and I guess my only critique there would be to differentiate her even more by having her be 100% squeaky clean. Not even any cussing. Total innocent.

The trash talk was serviceable, though a bit flat at times. I'm going to give you the same advice I give everyone, read back your work out loud to see if your dialogue sounds like something someone would actually say. It wasn't super egregious but there was some clumsy phrasing here and there, like this one:

Quote:The only thing regarding the shortest time and Zay is going to be in terms of having the shortest time of is sex.

Proofreading is also good. I mean, I personally am fairly liberal on this front. So long as it's understandable I'm totally willing to let an occasional misspell or something slide, but some of the promo reviewers are pretty firm on it just as an FYI. Again, I caught a few things but it's not like it was all over the place.

Overall, I think it was a competent first effort and you clearly have some room to grow and develop this character, maybe even eventually exploring how she got the way she is. BTW, the fact that you opened by not discussing that and leaving it up to people's imagination is always a solid move, for me. Leaving people wanting more is always a good thing.

(03-06-2018, 10:48 AM)The Engineer Said: The trash talk was serviceable, though a bit flat at times. I'm going to give you the same advice I give everyone, read back your work out loud to see if your dialogue sounds like something someone would actually say. It wasn't super egregious but there was some clumsy phrasing here and there, like this one:

I think this is really valuable advice for everyone. There a LOT of dialogue sections that sound like robots if you say them out loud. You want to at least be able to hear the person in your head, so if it isn't a natural flow that sort of busts things up. Most often I see this with a weird lack of contractions, i.e:

"I will not do that, we cannot go that way." or something like that. It isn't how people really speak. It's like Data on The Next Generation. People don't obey typical writing rules when speaking, they just throw words out of their mouths.

Other examples are just like Engy here said, if you repeat yourself a lot or keep saying the same thing a dozen different ways, it starts to make less sense. Just play it in your head, or say it out loud. It makes a lot of difference.

(03-06-2018, 11:15 AM)King Vincent Said:

(03-06-2018, 10:48 AM)The Engineer Said: The trash talk was serviceable, though a bit flat at times. I'm going to give you the same advice I give everyone, read back your work out loud to see if your dialogue sounds like something someone would actually say. It wasn't super egregious but there was some clumsy phrasing here and there, like this one:

I think this is really valuable advice for everyone. There a LOT of dialogue sections that sound like robots if you say them out loud. You want to at least be able to hear the person in your head, so if it isn't a natural flow that sort of busts things up. Most often I see this with a weird lack of contractions, i.e:

"I will not do that, we cannot go that way." or something like that. It isn't how people really speak. It's like Data on The Next Generation. People don't obey typical writing rules when speaking, they just throw words out of their mouths.

Other examples are just like Engy here said, if you repeat yourself a lot or keep saying the same thing a dozen different ways, it starts to make less sense. Just play it in your head, or say it out loud. It makes a lot of difference.

Huge pet peeves of mine...writing things out in a way that people don't actually talk. Unless it's their character (Erik does at times), nobody ever say anything like can not or I am going to the store

HEY LOOOK ARE ME I'S AND CUCKCOCK ALL DAYS DERRRRR HUH HUH HUH GKUG GLUG GIMME YOUR SPERM CELL!

My sig got edited to match my overly shitty behavior so now I can play tough guy asshole IC anywhere I go. Except at home where my mother will beat my o-ring to keep me in line.

Unless you point out that you character has a transatlantic accent like FDR or William Buckley.

Accents are tricky to pull off, honestly. You don't want it to come off too hokey, but you also don't want it to be overlooked. Tough balance.

I don't even touch accents, they're really fucking hard to pull off convincingly. In the 10 years or so I've been doing this I've run into maybe one person who did it competently.

Long story short, don't write accents.

(03-06-2018, 06:40 PM)The Engineer Said: I don't even touch accents, they're really fucking hard to pull off convincingly. In the 10 years or so I've been doing this I've run into maybe one person who did it competently.

Long story short, don't write accents.

Being country as hell myself, I find writing a country accent pretty easy. Jason Cash from my tps is basically me without the beer drinking. I spell things how I say them. Y'all,..yer instead of your or you're. Shit like 'at


"Ole Barney. The hell you doinhere?", Jason asked with a laugh.

He got up to see the old, short, fat man who he knew so well. "Barney" didnt take things very kindly. He grabbed Jason the collar of his white ZT shirt.

"You under arrest boy.", barney said. Jason looked surprised. "The hell for?", Jason asked. Barney shook his fat head. " Drunk in public.", Barney said.

Jason, who was going along with it, stopped dead in his tracks. " Drunk in public? Hell I wanted ta be drunk in the bar. They threw my ass inta public.", Jason said with a laugh. Ole Barney hid a smile. " That's a Ron White joke.", Barney said.

"Yea but that mess fits. They sexially assualted me and threw my ass inta public. I wanna press charges.", Jason said. Barney thought for a minute. " Sexual assault? How in the world?", Barney asked.

Jason pointed to his still sore balls. "That sumbitch touched me in my no no place.", Jason said, still laughing. Barney could only rub his temple. " They kicked you in the balls while you were trying to bite BJs right ear off.", he said. Jason nodded. " Uhh..yea! He did at mess with his sumbitchin foot. I wanna press some damn charges.", Jason laughed.

The deputy had had enough. "It don't matter, you're gointo jail for drunk in public. And assault.", he said. Jason's mouth dropped. " Assault? How in the hell didI assault any damn body?", Jason asked.

Barney stopped walking. " You were kicking Bart in his teeth", Barney said. Jason grinned. "Only cause I kept missin that sumbitchs throat.", he said.

"Barney gave him a warning type look. Jason took the hint and threw his hands up. "Hands up dont shoot!", Jason started to yell. "Barney " was shocked. He grabbed Jason's arms and tried to put them at Jason's side. " I aint gonna shoot ya. Stop yellin that shit.", Barney said. Jason busted out laughing. " Only cause you ain't got but one damn bullet. Andy dont trust ya with no more!", he yelled in "Barney's" face, laughing even harder than before

HEY LOOOK ARE ME I'S AND CUCKCOCK ALL DAYS DERRRRR HUH HUH HUH GKUG GLUG GIMME YOUR SPERM CELL!

My sig got edited to match my overly shitty behavior so now I can play tough guy asshole IC anywhere I go. Except at home where my mother will beat my o-ring to keep me in line.