Newark, New Jersey
Sunday, March 4, 2018
Noon Eastern Standard Time

Pestalance sits behind the desk in the back office of his night club. The brim of his black Yankee cap covers his face as he peers down at his cell phone. We hear random chuckles from him as he slides his finger across the screen restarting whatever he is watching. After a few moments he removes the Bluetooth headphones from his ears and looks up at the camera.

I had to re-watch this video like five or six times…certain sections I had to keep relaying, mostly because this shit just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.

Pest puts the phone and the headphones on his desk and pushes the brim of his cap up giving us a better view of his face before sitting back in his chair.

Let me back up a little bit. So this morning I got a text from XWF right; says I’ve been booked on my first match in the company. I’m like “Dope, let’s get it poppin!” I see it’s against this cat Knucks, and I’m excited. I do a little research, find out who this dude is…6 feet tall, 215, from Chiraq; Bet, this bout to be a good ass fight.

Pest disappointedly shakes his head as he continues.

But then I get sent this video…This Terrible…Fucking…video.

I r disappoint!

Pest leans forward and rubs his eyes.

I mean…what is this shit? Lame dick jokes, corny one liners, and old bitches giving toothless blow jobs.

My dude…that’s not a good look!

Pest sit back in his chair adjusting his cap.

Look, I don’t know shit about cutting wrestling promos…clearly you don’t either. But I would think that it’s a bad move for the first person the world gets to know you fucked is a 70-something year old woman, just saying.

Pest chuckles to himself as he continues.

So as I said in the beginning I watched this video multiple times right, and the more I watch it the more I question what part of Chicago you are actually from. Cause the niggas I know from Chiraq would kick your ass and take your money every day of the week…twice on Sunday.

So what’s the deal bro? You’re from like Joliet, Illinois aren’t you? You’re one of those motherfuckas that live like 30 minutes away from the city, but you claim it cause your (quotation fingers) “Close enough.”

I know your type. I deal with your type all the time here in this very club.

Cats that think they are harder than they really are.

Cooler than they really are.

Tougher than they really are.

I’m not impressed.

I’m not impressed that you paid some guys to let you beat them up in your “gay porn” scene. I’m not impressed that you walk around and tell everyone how “not white” you are in your dick area…By the way I can’t help but to always chuckle at that overused stupid ass euphemism. And I’m not impressed by the lame tough guy act.

Yes I said act. I see right through you Knucks. You’re the guy that want’s everyone to be afraid of because secretly you are afraid of everyone. Well that shit aint working with me.

Now I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna tell me that I’m overlooking you. I’m not taking you seriously and that’s gonna be my downfall.

Pest shakes his head.

Naw, man. I’m not overlooking you at all. I’m gonna treat you as a threat. I’m gonna treat you as the person that’s potentially stopping me from advancing in this company. And if you stop my advancement then you stop my money. And I don’t fuck around when it comes to my money.

To be honest, I don’t know what you are actually capable of. The fact that you’ve never had a match in your life makes you more dangerous to me cause I don’t know shit about you aside from what I read in your bio. And hell…there’s barely anything in that for me to go off of.

So I have to treat you the same way I’d treat Engineer, Jim Caedus, James Raven, Robert Main or any other top tier cat in this company.

I have to treat you like the ultimate threat. I have to treat you like you are the most dangerous motherfucka alive, even though I know you’re really not.

Now here’s the deal bro, don’t take these words, and this potential ass kickin personal. Contractually I’m obligated to hype this match and then earn my money beating the shit out of you as quickly as possible in said match. So when you decided to respond to this remember that you are under the same contractual obligation and do a better job. I could probably sell this match without your help but then I would need your pay since I’m doing my job AND yours.

So, get your mind right, start training, cause you’re gonna need it and for crying out loud, stop fucking old bitches.

Holla at cha later bitch!