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JimCaedus · (02-04-2018)

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APEX REHASH: Last hype cycle for Warfare in Tunisia during a tour of the Bou-Hedma National Park, Apex happened upon a trio of poachers who decimated an entire herd of addax, an exotic antelope species now nearly extinct in the wild. In defiance of their tour guide attempting to follow park ranger orders and return to HQ (and in light of the fact it was highly improbable the rangers would arrive in time), our heroes decided to take matters into their own hands, which, unfortunately included choking out the guide himself and commandeering the tour vehicle. With the intent to bring them to justice lawfully, though lightly armed as a precaution, Apex ended up in a brief exchange with the poachers, ending the lives of all 3 in self-defense. What we didn't see was the eventual arrival of the rangers who'd proven surprisingly lenient, allowing Apex to go free. However, following Warfare the following night in Tunis...

"Of Grilling, Killing and the Unwilling"

---Late Wednesday Night---

"Bonsoir. Je suis le brigadier Ziyad. Vous êtes..." He glances at his paperwork. "James Caedus, oui?"

I'd taken French I and II in high school but I'd been known to make mistakes from time to time, so I allow the ELSA device provided by the Tunisian police here in the-

---Commissariat Centrale de Police•Tunis, Tunisia---

-to relay: Good evening. I am Brigadier Ziyad. You are James Caedus, yes? in english.

"Yes."

"Et tu sais pourquoi tu es là? L'officier qui vous a arrêté vous a informé de votre arrestation, oui?"

He asks if I know why I'm here. If the arresting officer informed me.

"Yes."

"Bien bien. Monsieur Caedus, vous êtes accusé d'une attaque contre un citoyen tunisien et du meurtre de Radhi Bourguiba."

"Yeah, like I said, I was told. You _literally_ just asked me if I knew why I was arrested, I said yes, you ACKNOWLEDGED my affirmative with "bien bien" then you repeated it all anyway."

"Just making sure you understand."

"Oh, now you speak english?"

"Of course I speak english, everyone can speak english," he snaps out!

"Yeah but I can see why you don't, you sound like a

frog James Bond villain when you do."

Brigadier Ziyad slams his fist on the interrogation room tabletop.

"Why did you attack Medhi Hajaj!? Why did you and your associates involve yourselves in something that is not your business!?"

"I didn't _attack_ Medhi, I subdued him. And I subdued him because he refused to le-"

"You choked him out for following orders, Monsieur Caedus! That is assault!"

"I _spoke_ to Medhi after the fact. He was _grateful_ we nailed the poachers who apparently wiped out HALF the reserve's addax population! So how am I being charged with assault...and WHY am I being charged with MURDER!? We did you assholes a FAVOR!"

"You are being charged with assault because he included you choking him out in his report. And you are being charged with murder because you murdered Radhi Bourguiba when you drove that tourist vehicle into him."

"AFTER he poached YOUR country's protected-by-law animals and as he was about to MURDER my friend!"

"This is irrelevant, it does not change what you did."

"BULLshit! You wanna charge me with assault, fine, but my friends and I were _defending_ ourselves! There was no "murder" involved and, hey, imagine that, NO ONE was there to witness it but US so you have NO WAY of proving YOUR case anyway!"

Brigadier Ziyad stares at me for several seconds in silence.

"We'll see what your associates have to say about that. I am sure neither of them would be willing to spend the rest of their lives in a Tunisian prison just to protect you. Perhaps they were defending themselves but you...you, Monsieur Caedus, you chose to run Radhi down. He was not a threat to your life. Murder."

"Manger merde."

"Va baiser ta mère."

He stands and heads for the door, opening it.

"My mom's _dead_ cocksucker!"

"Bien!"

::SLAM::

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

"Why did you three get involved in this, Monsieur Archyle?"

"For shits and giggles."

"Pardon me? What does this "for shits and giggles mean?""

"It means for funsies."

"Funsies? I am not following."

"I know. And that's the funny part. Look Pierre-"

"My name is not Pierre. Not everyone who speaks French is named Pierre. My name is Brigadier Ziyad."

"Ok Pierre. Whatever you say. Look I can speak French too Kermit. Maybe if I do that things won't be lost in translation. Voulez-vous de beurre?"

"Did you just ask me if I want some butter?"

"What if I did?"

"How about you answer my questions truthfully?"

"How about you answer my questions? Let's try this again, Voulez-vous de beurre?"

"Why do you keep asking me if I want some butter?"

"Because that's the only French I know. So...do you...?"

"Do I what Monsieur Archyle?"

"Want some butter? Jesus I thought we already established that."

"No more games Monsieur Archyle. Did you and your associates kill Radhi Bourguiba?"

"Kill is such an ugly word. It's the right word but it's ugly. And yes we did. We killed him. We killed him dead."

"You did? You are admitting this? Your associate Monsieur Caedus denied that very same allegation. Are you saying that he is lying?"

"Well the thing about Jim is, sometimes he forgets. Or maybe he knows like I do that even if we admitted to it like I just did there is nothing you can really do about it. We are three Americans. Do you really want an international incident on your hands Pierre?"

"My name is not Pierre!" The man screams as he slams his fists onto the table. "Now I want you to repeat what you just said to me, that you and your friends killed Radhi Bourguiba."

"I said that?"

"Yes you did. Not more than two minutes ago."

"Are you sure."

"Stop playing games with me Monsieur Archyle. You said that you and your associates killed Radhi Bourguiba."

"In English?'

"Yes in English. What other language would you have made your confession in?"

"Now who's forgetting things. We established earlier that I can speak French did we not?"

"Repeating one phrase in French does not constitute speaking the language."

"Semantics."

"One more time, did you and your associates kill Radhi Bourguiba?"

"I plead the fifth."

"The fifth? The fifth of what?

"Remember, remember, the 5th of November. The Gunpowder Treason and plot; I know of no reason why Gunpowder Treason. Should ever be forgot."

"This is ridiculous!" Brigadier Ziyad shouts at Drew as he again pounds his fists on the table.

"I agree. May I go now?"

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

Brigadier Ziyad storms back in, kicking his chair aside to slam both palms down onto the tabletop, leaning in close as the door closes behind him.

"Your associate Monsieur Archyle has admitted to you three murdering Radhi Bourguiba. He did this on record."

"What? No he didn't." I remain casual. "Drewsy wouldn't do that."

"Oh but he did... He said "we killed him, we killed him dead"."

"Well, he's _right_."

The Brigadier straightens in victory.

"So you admit it now!"

"I never denied killing anyone."

"Oui tu peux! The first time I question you!"

"Nooooo, I said I didn't _murder_ anyone."

"Je suis tellement malade de cette merde! Murder is murder!"

"Spider-Man."

"Quelle??"

"Spider-Man, Peter Parker, killed the armed thief did he not?"

"De quoi parlez-vous!?"

"The armed thief! The guy who Peter thinks kills Uncle Ben! Spider-Man KILLED him, out of both revenge...MISTAKEN at that...AND self-defense. Does anyone consider Spider-Man to be a murderer? Or do they consider him to be a hero?"

"Le Spider-Man is not a real person!"

"Ok, then take almost EVERY animated Disney film with a clear villain in the past three decades. Simba with Scar, The Beast with Gaston, Prince Eric with Ursula, Aladdin with- Oh, right, they didn't actually kill Jafar. Pussies."

"These are less real than Le Spider-Man! Four of them are animals!"

"Ursula wasn't an animal, she was a Mertopus...or an Octomaid or some shit like that. Anyway, the _point_ is no one considers any of them, Spider-Man, Simba, The Beast, Eric, to be murderers. They got into it with the undeniable villains and ended up having to kill them. That isn't murder, that's a public service."

"It is murder! You were in no danger from Monsieur Bourguiba but you squash him with your car anyway!"

"You know, you get less and less good with the english the angrier you get. And what I did to "Monsieur Bourguiba" was to save "Monsieur Archyle's" life. Would you be brought up on charges for gunning down a man about to shoot your partner?"

"I am officer of the law!" He gestures to his patch rank.

"That don't mean shit, pal, other than the judicial system has your back no matter WHAT you do. Just because you're a cop doesn't mean you have any more right to fight crime than we do."

"Absurdité! This is exactly what it means!"

"Mmm, I don't think so. In America we have a little something called justifiable homicide. Oh, also citizen's arrest."

"This is not America!"

"Ok fine, fuck it, I admit it."

"Finalement! So you admit to murdering Monsieur Bourguiba!"

"What're you, nuts? I admit this isn't _America_."

"Confessez-vous bâtard!"

"Lécher mes fesses, connasse!"

The Brigadier slams his fists on the table in rage then once again heads for the door.

"Putain d'Américain, je vais regarder les détenus te baiser brutalement avec un sourire sur mon visage!"

"Je vous verrai là-bas, ma chériiiiie."

"BAISE-TU!"

::SLAM::

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

::Brigadier Ziyad, face concealed behind his hand, silently massages his brow in utter frustration. Finally, he raises his head and drops his hand::

"Monsieur Main...I want you to listen very carefully...what you say now will decide if you are convicted with Monsieurs Caedus and Archyle for murder or not." He gives that a moment to sink in. Robert doesn't flinch. "We already know that you were defending your life and we know James Caedus killed Radhi Bourguiba in cold blood." Again, he awaits a reply from Robert but Robert remains stone. "Tell me exactly what happened."

Wait a second, do you know who you sound like?

No, who?

Robert smirks laughing under his breath

Pepé Le Pew!

Brigadier Ziyad, remains stonefaced not moving one muscle as Robert continues mocking him

You know? Looney Tunes?

Still no emotion

Jesus, do you even know what Looney Tunes is? Cartoons, they are classics? No? Still with the poker face huh? Fuck it! So you want to know what happened! I shoot straiter then those poachers!

Please continue Monsieur Main and please remember this is being recorded!

So before the whole poacher thing, I've got to get something else off my chest! Before all of that happened! I was sleeping with your wife! Now I know that's a lot to digest all at once bu-

Brigadier Ziyad leaps from his seat clutching Robert's throat! Robert looks dead into the eyes of resentment, sneering!

Monsieur I could care less if the three of you ingrates rot inside of a prison for murder for the rest of your lives! That will happen if you do not tell me the truth!

Okay I'll tell you what happened!

Brigadier Ziyad releases Robert slamming his fists on the cold steel table! Robert looks at the man with a more serious-minded look before speaking!

We heard gunshots, and the three of us being who we are! Technically we are insane by the way! We are the guys who run into a fire! Ya get my drift here chief?

So you went to investigate for yourselves? Correct?

That's right... Listen if you are going to keep interrupting me this is going to take a long time! Now before I was yet again so rudely interrupted! Once we arrived they were killing addax! These guys were vile poachers! Now I'm pretty sure poaching is illegal!

It is! So what happened next?

Uh....

Uh? What happened?

Robert rubs his head for a few seconds

Uh.... I shot at them with a flare gun!

A flare gun? You shot at poachers with a flare gun? Who in their right mind shoots at people with a flare gun?

First and foremost who in the hell said I was in my right mind? Secondly, I didn't hit anyone. I was just trying to get their attention, oh and by the way I got their undivided attention as they pulled their pistols and started shooting at me!

So these poachers opened fire on you?

Boy your some fucking genius! Yes! Hey everyone captain obvious just got it! Jesus!

Please continue!

Do you know I got shot in the leg?

Yes Monsieur Main you have told everyone on my staff many times over now including the medical personnel! Besides, it was merely a flesh wound! Nothing major!

Flesh wound, dude getting shot is getting shot! Hell, I shouldn't even be sitting in here answering to you! I'm a fucking hero! Have you ever been shot Mr. big shot?

No!

Yeah I didn't think so! Flesh wound!

Robert you and your friends murdered those men didn't you? You said you shot the flare gun! One man did, in fact, die from a flare gun wound to his neck!

Not me! Maybe an act of God, these people were bad people!

I believe you killed them!

I plead the fifth!

Archyle tried the same thing, that will not work here! You're not in America!

Ok then! Why don't I just be blunt with you then? Were you there to witness anything that happened? No! Do you have proof we did anything? No! So here is what is going to happen, inspector dummkopf!

German?

Yeah, I'm an educated man! Don't judge a book by its cover! Now you can let me go right now or I can make one call telling my family I'm being held against my will! Oh, and they are lawyers! We own Dewey, Screwem and Howe law firm! Now unless you want to lose the rest of the money this "SHITHOLE" has I'd suggest you shut up! Oh man, I just called this place a shithole? Maybe the main stream media will say it on the news hundreds of times like a few weeks ago! That was funny stuff, only in America!

::The Brigadier looks as if he wishes to stab Robert repeatedly::

"Toi... Enfoiré."

::Robert smiles::

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

"Soooo, how'd it goooo," I ask with a cheerful stab?

The Brigadier doesn't bite, or doesn't understand, I can't really tell. Instead, he walks calmly over to the chair he kicked over earlier, rights it, then takes a seat before me.

"You think you are smart, non? All of you? Vous n'êtes pas intelligent, Monsieur Caedus. Because you all lie ensemble, vous allez tous souffrir ensemble. You will be charged with assault. Monsieurs Main and Archyle will be charged as accomplices and you will all be charged with homicide involontaire. Murder or not, vous ne serez plus jamais libre."

ELSA handles the bits I can't translate myself...and I can't help but swallow hard in trepidation.

Brigadier Ziyad laughs.

"Nothing to say? Now you get this, non?" He adopts an intimidating glare. "Vous êtes baisé."

He laughs again and I don't need ELSA to know why; I made it a point to learn the curse words and choice phrases en Français as any American high schooler who unwisely chose French over Spanish would. Now I'm getting pissed...and I feel myself zombie-up.

"Keep pushing me...you prob'ly won't like where it ends u-"

::SWACK::

The door is abruptly flung open, the knob knocking into the wall...

...and three unfamiliar men-

Now wait just a minute... That's Phuk Law, the XWF's infamous defense attorney of Thai-Chinese descent!

-_TWO_ unfamiliar men and Phuk Law, enter.

"Don't say another word, Jim," Phuk Law orders.

"Que se passe-t-il?"

"And you are?"

"I am Brigadier Ziyad! You cannot just walk in here and interrupt my-"

"I'm afraid we can, Brigadier," one of the two unidentified men interjects. "U.S. citizens abroad are entitled to and shall be given assistance in matters of arrest. That includes legal representation, which you did not allow these men to acquire before interrogation. Violating that right does not sit well with the U.S. Embassy of Tunisia nor the United States of America."

"Neither does physically assaulting my clients."

The Brigadier flinches.

"Yes, we know about that already."

From the hallway outside, my bro Robert pops his head in the doorway, apparently free!

I told you not to fuck with me, Brigadier Le Pew!

"Unacceptable, Pierre. You can forget about de beurre."

'Eeeeeeey, Drew free too!

Brigadier Ziyad ignites. "My name is NOT Pierre!" He slams his fists down onto the tabletop then shrieks in agony, shaking his right hand limply. "Mère de Dieu, je pense que je me suis cassé la main!"

"While you take care of that I'm going to go ahead and remove my clients unless...you want to lose your job over attempting to strangle a prisoner in custody." Ziyad remains silent, rubbing his right hand tenderly with his left. "I thought not. Jim?"

I stand and walk directly out, at least I try. The final unidentified man halts my progress with a hand on my chest.

"Hold on there killer, I wanted to introduce myself." He drops the hand and holds it out for a shake. I accept it. "Ryan Tate, founder of VETPAW." He produces a card once the shake ends and presents it to me. Again, I accept. "I'm very impressed with what you, Robert and Drew did about those poachers. We could use men like you, I'll be in touch."

Unsure how to respond to that I merely nod and head out into the hallway to rejoin Robert and Drew.

"For Christsake, let's get the fuck outta this country..."

TBC...

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::POST WEDNESDAY WARFARE PLAYBACK::

"If this match against Chris Chaos isn't proof enough that the Kaiser isn't meant to be taken seriously now, you're either blind or a fool."

::REVERSE...PLAYBACK::

"-isn't proof enough that the Kaiser isn't meant to be taken seriously now, you're either blind or a fool."

::REVERSE...PLAYBACK::

"-the Kaiser isn't meant to be taken seriously now-"

::REVERSE...PLAYBACK::

"-isn't meant to be taken seriously now-

-isn't meant to be taken seriously now-

-the Kaiser isn't meant to be taken seriously now-"

::END PLAYBACK::

"Wow... Lemme tell ya, you're off to a _great start_, Funyuns.

You know that moment when an arrogant twat thinks he's about to drop gold but he's a fuckin' idiot so he botches instead?"

"Yeah a lot like that. However this ain't your normal kinda flub, it aint a blunder on a throwaway line nor some sorta stumbling through a series of inconsequential words... This was meant to be a declaration of war made in the wake of victory, a throwin' down o' the gauntlet, the removal of and smackin' with the fruity fop glove. This was Finn Kühn's moment to strike fear into Jim Caedus.

"It was at this moment he knew...

...he fucked up"

Thought maybe that line might resonate with you." Non-accusatory, sincere tone. "You're a Bourbon fan, right?

Maybe a lil' less overzealous dipshittery next time, a lil' more raising of awareness in who it is you're about to face.

Or...or is it that you _are_ aware and you're just nervous? Cliff divin', despite a fear o' heights, in some dumbass youth's hasty attempt to impress the guys or the girls, not realizing you're about to make less a splash, more a splatter, in light o' the fact you ignored the ol' "look before you leap" rule of thumb for those who _don't_ tryta bellyflop onto the rocks six stories down.

You come at _me_...like _that_?

Are you a legit doofus, just tryna piss me off or elicit pity from this admittedly big hearted douche?

Don't tell me it's the latter; you'll see no pity from Jim Caedus. Not for a young man with your talent who in_sists_ on wasting time jackin'-off as opposed to utilizing said talent to accomplish something of note while in the pinnacle o' professional wrestling promotions; you could've...hell, you _should've_...been a top tier contender for years. Shit or get off the pot, pussy, I'm of drive and determination stock and I have no patience for the now seemingly genetic sense of entitlement I consistently see from the youth of America these days who expect respect..._and_ results...without earning either.

I'm sorry, what's that? You're not jackin'-off anymore, now you're serious? Why's that? ......You say this time, no matter what, cwoss youw widdle hawt and hope to die, you're for really REALLY reals this time? How come? Ah, 'cause you found out about your royal bloodline. How convenient.

Know what I think, Princess Diaries?

I think you're fuckin' pathetic.

The fact you have to announce to us all you're to be taken seriously now should tell you you've been doin' somethin' wrong. No one who's to be taken seriously has any need of stating so, it simply goes without saying and no one sincerely intending to prove the declaration as truth says it, they just do it. Not to mention...I've been around in the XWF long enough to witness each man or woman making that announcement here has never delivered anything but the opposite. Quite frankly, "take me seriously now" has become the universal call o' the quitter 'round these parts. But that ain't you right? Not _THIS_ time 'cause you were just "holding back" those other times. Kid...someone to be taken seriously doesn't _ever_ "hold back" nor do they ever say they were "holding back" to excuse away their lack of success like a hack would.

......Why do I feel like you ain't getting it? Why do I feel like your post Warfare words are merely the tip o' the ego iceberg and you'll be riding that win over Chaos this entire hype cycle whether you're blowin' yourself in promo or simply kickin' around HQ poppin' that Frankenstein fivehead into people's conversations with likely boasts of predicted Uni Title attaining?

I mean, for a second let's pretend you _didnt_ accidentally make the most unfortunately polar opposite, though ironically apt, of intended points in stating you _ain't_ to be taken seriously. Let's imagine you'd nailed that line like a pimp you wish you were, not the gimp you actually are. What exactly defines this alleged evolution from Finn "fuck completion" Kühn to The Killer Kaiser and future Universal Champion? Oh, right, we've established that...your win over Chris Chaos. Beating Chris Chaos means you're gonna beat Jim Caedus then follow that up with a win over the man I _know_ will move on to the finals, The Eng'...and you've _totally_ attached credibility to that assumption by not so much definitively handing Chris his ass as much as lazily half-assing last Warfare's hype-train and luckily squeaking by with a victory.

That ain't gonna cut it against guys like Danny Imperial, Jim Caedus and The Engineer, it just ain't. Not by a long shot. But please, be my guest and continue to not take this opportunity seriously while TRYING to tell us all to take YOU seriously.

If your words were your lackluster attempt to _piss me off_, well, you'll hafta do a helluva lot better than handin' me ammo on a silver platter. That only leaves me smilin' and breathin' a lil' easier. And not the type o' smile that portends good natured competitiveness...the type o' smile you'd see horrifically launchin' outta the water as eyes roll over white and teeth slice through soft tissue, sinew and bone. My brothers and I don't go by Apex for nothin'. Needless to say, if you know what's good for you, you'll try your best NOT to piss me off, Finn.

"Finn" by the way... How's a Hitler Youth kraut cocksucker get a painfully Irish first name? I read up on you, you're mostly German with a shot o' Euro-mutt, Gaelic roots not mentioned though implied as a possibility. So I repeat, how does one admitted to be mostly German and alleged to be of Germanic royalty get named Finn? It ain't like the name is popular in any country _other_ than Ireland and it's about as ethnically-centric as the name Mohammed is with Muslims, so w-t-f?

Not that it matters, by the way; it wasn't a name that barely beat Chaos in Tunisia and it won't be a name I drop on his literal and figurative crown and paralyze with the Nail Driver in Libya, it'll be the man _bearing_ the name, Finn Kühn him_self_. The question NOW is...what'll the man Finn Kühn do _after_ he falls to Jim Caedus? Will he continue to improve in skill and consistency or will he fall right back into his old habits? And if you think for one second that's an unfair query, take a moment to compare your track record and mine. For fucksake, compare YOUR effort in hype work to MINE for this last Warfare _alone_. You call what you did any kinda display of a desire to work harder in AND outta the ring than I do? Dawg...pull that phone-in crap now and see what happens. The question on everyone's lips won't be "will Jim beat Finn?" it'll be "how thoroughly is Jim gonna kick his ass?". I dare say some are already asking that and guess what? You made that happen, Finn, you seeded the people's minds with that perception of you, not me nor anyone else.

Therefore, I believe, in light of your obligatory arrogant heel boasting 101 and in combination with your history, the most accurate conclusion here is that you are, in fact, an imbecile, educated or not. Another all talk, book-smart, spoiled, lazy, limp noodle nitwit white boy who never truly suffered in life, never found himself in Hell and had to crawl back out with his own two hands, never had to wonder "will I survive this?", never had to fight for his life to do it and as a consequence will never understand the concept. An unproven pretentious punk pissant too stupid to approach the possibility of facing Imperial, Engy or myself from the stance of strategy and caution in favor of suicidally lodging his foot in his own mouth by _already_ linguistically fuckin' up royal. An absolute duncecap who doesn't seem to realize...when an opponent of mine shows as many flaws in decision making as you have, I watch for and end up exploiting those same flaws in combat and I walk away victorious. It's my proverbial bread and butter, bitch and you've served me up enough to spread it on thick and eat for a week before you even knew you were actually facing me."

::PLAYBACK::

"If this match against Chris Chaos isn't proof enough that the Kaiser isn't meant to be taken seriously now, you're either blind or a fool."

::END PLAYBACK::

"I'm neither blind nor a fool but I'm gonna go right ahead and take you seriously anyway, Finn. I'm gonna treat you like an actual threat to my reclaiming the XWF Universal Championship as you should be treating _me_ like a threat to your potential _first_ Uni Title reign. Honestly though, whether or not you ultimately act right doesn't really matter to me...'cause I'm comin' for a kill regardless.

I want that belt back, "Kaiser".

Fuck you gonna do to stop me?"

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

---DAYS LATER---

::BLUH-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH-

The flame hits the bowl; rich greenery, orange stigmas and a carpet of trichomes blacken before transforming to glowing ember.

-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH-

The full three foot length of former Disney glass-blowing master fame bong (christened "Donald Stuck") begins filling with smoke delivered via bubbles forced through down-stem and into the bulbous, suck-through-floaty water filled chamber.

-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH-BLUH

Extinguishing the summoned flame and drawing in as much smoke as he can, legit clearing the entire, impressive load, Lord Trash Can rights himself from diagonal hit angle and clamps his lid down as hard as he can.

Donald Stuck, no longer held in place via an excellent excuse for and use of cosmic magic, tips over, filthy bong water spilling out onto the hardwood floor.

Our Kaiser of Crap meanwhile-::

KEEK! ... PPP! ... BFFFF!

::-does his best to hold in the choking threatening to pop free even as it sees him expelling bursts of smoke from beneath the lid with every internalized and involuntary kick until-::

HAAAAAK!! COUGH!! COUGH!! COUGH!! COUGH!! KAK!! KAK!! KAK!! Loud, strained, drawing in of breath, then- AHOOAH HOOAH HOOAH HOOAH HOOAH HOOAH HOOAH!!

"UUUUH!!"

AHOOAH HOOAH HOOAH HOOAH HOOAH HOOAAAAAAAH!!

"UUUUH!!

FUCK!!"

Choke-tears streaming down from his lid, Lord Trash Can bellows- "PoopDAMN you PFC Pressintwiste!!"

::A child proof pill bottle labeled

CHRONI-KING LLC

TRUE OG - TOP SHELF

wobbles from side to side and with the expected stoner archetype drawl (see Tommy Chong) replies-::

"Heeey caaaaaan, whudidEYEdo??"

"You LIED to me you stinky, sticky, little hippy! I am LORD TRASH CAN! RULER of the Multiverse Midden! The REGI of Refuse! The KAISER of Crap! Your Heinous HIGHNESS! I asked for the SHITTY nugs, you brought me the UNshitty nugs! The unshitty nugs make. me. choke! Too poopdamn SULTRY in here!"

"Well, yuh left the shower on hot, can."

::Our pov swings to take in the open doorway leading into the bathroom and indeed, from the audio, the shower is on full blast in there, steam belching free and filling the master bedr- Hey wait, this is-::

---CASTLE CAEDUS!!---

"How DARE you refer to me as "can"! I am your liege, you shall ADDRESS me as such! Now pipe down, I need to-"

"Pipe's down, can, it's leakin' all over the floor."

"SILENCE!"

"Ok, can."

"I have duties to perform at a consistent high quality level! Make like Lieutenant Sack and zip your lip!"

::A gallon Zipperloc full of marijuana slightly turns to PFC Pressintwiste and mumbles a muffled-::

"MMMF BMMMF!"

"I was just about to say that! Now quiet, both of you!

Ahem...

Can's Log: Earth Date... Meh, hell with it. I can do it later. Let's go see what's on TV."

::TRASH STATIC::

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