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X-treme Wrestling Federation » Warfare Boards » Warfare RP Board
Filthy Creatures
Author Message
JimCaedus Offline
Trash Talker Skywalker



XWF FanBase:
Mixed

(loved by some; hated by some; dips between clean/dirty)


#1
01-27-2018, 11:52 PM

======€@£|)Ų$======
(continues from "Tatooinisia")

























"AAAAAAAAHH!!"


::BURP!::


The blur of the blood-red throat flesh and white fangs of the Sarlacc (no bizarre snake-like tongue/mouth-in-a-mouth thingy though, 'cause this is a legit pre Special Edition ROTJ Sarlacc) quickly gives way to darkness as I plummet past the angle of intrusive Tunisian sunlight and further towards a future of being digested over the course of a thousand years.


I can't believe it's eventually gonna end like thi-

"OOF!!"


I've hit bottom...

In the pitch black and silence I- Wait, it's not exactly silent. I can hear the faint throbbing beat of what I'm assuming is the Sarlacc's heart. Sweet!


Oh for Christsake, can you _not_ mark out in the midst of being _eaten_!?


From a position on my back, I lean to my left side and plant both palms on the "floor" of the Sarlacc's stomach to push myself up to my knees. It's then that I notice how oddly rough and solid it is, not spongy as one would think nor slick with digestive juices. Not only that, there's no warmth. It's actually pretty damn cold in here and the surface of the stomach lining is even colder.


Not at all what I expected. Must have something to do with why these things take a millennia to digest their prey; must be something like mummification going on combined with the drawn out breaking down of biological material.

Wait a sec...if these things can keep a corpse around that long to feed off of...why can't whatever is chemically responsible be used to keep a _living being_ around for a thousand years? Holy fuckin' shit...I just figured a way to potentially extend human life! Why hasn't anyone ever thought of this before, even in the fan fiction sense?? Man, I gotta think of a way to get a biological sample of this Sarlacc's stomach lining, I could end up being a hero to the entire human ra-



::DONK!! CLATTER!!::


"Oooooow!! WHATTHEFUCK!?"


After taking a hit on the head, I spot my phone lying on the "floor". Must have fallen from above and I must've dropped it when Lord Trash Can knocked me down here.

The illumination from the lit screen brightens my surroundings enough for me to inspect them and follow up on my fountain of youth theory but I'm too quick to snatch it up and too focused on taking the incoming call from my bro Robert Main to care. Ultimately I need a way outta here and my Apex brothers can help.

I click the green for answer.


"Mainiac? You won't believe where I am right now."

Uh....? Strip Club?

Uh, heh, no.

Well I can hear an echo, the shitter?

No!


Drew can be heard in the background asking Robert for the phone!


God Damn it Drew hold on! I'll give you the phone in a second......


The sounds of a struggle ensues. That puts a smile on my face, I've missed my brothers' shenanigans.


Oh shit, the thousand year youth serum thingy, you almost forgot, you idiot! Feel around for a weakness in the stomach lining and see if you can't find something to collect. It could mean the greatest medical discovery in human history!


Carefully walking forward in the dark to the stomach wall, I begin slowly following the border around with an outstretched hand, finger-dragging in an up and down wave pattern starting at shoulder height and down to around my thigh.


"Brother believe it or not, I'm in the belly of a beast right now. It's gettin' all biblical Jonah up in this bitch."

Sounds more like it's getting all ROBBIE BOURBON up in that bitch."

"Large lazy maggot more concerned with stuffin' his face than anything else? Can't say I disagree, Mainiac. Reminds me of the War Games hype cycle and how, despite victimizing children, he was all "saving christmas" yet wouldn't stop eating reindeer off-camera."

Dismayed. He ate Rudolph, Jim, I still can't believe it. Fucking Rudolph!

"Of _course_ he did, the monstrous Bumble furry fuck...AND Hermey and Yukon Cornelius! Just to turn Rudolph's nose into a glowing poo beacon he refuses to shit out so Cyberjaw and Diamondback's dicks can find his throbbing butthole at night, it's the height of villainy!"

Man I wish Robbie was here right NOW, I've got a thing or two to say to him!

"Hey, be my guest bro, I ain't goin' nowhere. Pretend I'm him. I know that'll be tough considering you won't be hearing sustained tearing open of wrappers and chewing from my end but pretend I'm him and hit me with it."

No problem.

Robbie Bourbon, if you thought for one fucking second I was finished with your enormous flabby ass you've got another thing coming pal! You see you tubby overweight butterball I have a few things I never got to get off my chest at War Games so I figured what better time than right now! In your "Saving Christmas" promo, you know the lazy piece of shit you put out on YouTube? The one where your whale-like ass was getting worried APEX might just be the real deal! You called me a few things, overrated and over-hyped? Robbie, there is nothing overrated when it comes to The Omega! Just watching your blubbery mouth flap sickens me! You want to keep telling yourself that you are better than me, go ahead! I'll just keep pounding you into the canvas proving you time and again otherwise! Two flukes? No, No, No! No! You mean two sophisticated wrestling spectacles put on by yours truly! In those two matches Robbie I was exceptional, exceeding every damn thing you threw in my direction! Anytime it's Robert Main - vs - the grease ball Robbie Bourbon, I prove I am the prominent wrestler outshining, out-wrestling and out fighting you ROBBIE!!

Robbie the simple fact of the matter is this! I am your superior, have been for a while and always will be in the end! I have taken you to the woodshed now two times on my own and now at War Games with my Apex brothers! I cannot help the fact you are careless and asleep on the job 99% of the time! You have become the lifeless equivalent of a corpse! You always seem to be the guy with all the answers, so why don't I ask you a few questions? What happened to the world eaters? The devastators of the XWF? You guys were supposed to be hot shit coming into War Games! That is until you ran headfirst into the buzzsaw known as APEX! I bet you thought we were going to just lie down and take it right Robbie? We all now know that right there didn't happen at all! We took it to you Mother Fuckers! That being said, let's dig a little deeper into this super stable built upon lies and deceit! You bullied your way to the top Robbie and now you have fallen from grace! The Mother Fuckers was nothing more than a disaster! The Mother Fuckers were good-for-nothing other than talk! You boys sure could jabber-jaw, but when it came to fighting in the ring you bitches tucked tail and ran for the fucking hills!

Tell me where is Jack Cain? Not here that's for damn sure! He left you, and rightfully so! Then you turned on James fucking Raven? Are you that big of a nitwit? Really? Fucking moron! Then we get to War Games, what happened? Engy decided gold was more important he left! He turned his back on you! Again rightfully so! But I want to stop here for a moment! I want to talk about Engy! He is the only man in this group of misfits that is actually worth a good damn! He is a fighter, he is a true Champion and showed just how good he was with gold draped over his shoulder! He is the only one of you that matters! Period! Not back to this botched experiment! Where is BWB? Bearded War Bitch? Couldn't take the heat I guess? So he got the fuck out of the kitchen! That supposed dominant stable has shown massive chinks in its armor! We have watched The Mother Fuckers collapse, right before our very eyes, and all at the hands of who? That's right Robbie APEX! We set out on a mission to demolish The Mother Fuckers and come Warfare Jimmy will drive the final nail into your coffin!

Do you know what is going to happen when you and Jim lockup come Warfare? Consumption! Jim is going to crush the life out of you one blow at a time Robbie, dismantling you piece by piece until there is nothing left! Jim will eradicate The Mother Fuckers by obliterating the very founder! In one night Robbie you will be ravaged, shattering whats left of your brash ego! This will be the match you'll never come back from! "The Beating Of A Lifetime" is what it will be titled! An APEX production starring Jim fucking Caedus! Warfare Jim rights every wrong made by you, nullifying all of your bull shit once and for all! Robbie Jim will mutilate your roly-poly ass torpedoing what's left of your shit career! It's over! There is just no other way to put it! Your done! Finished!



You can't see it since I'm in the dark down here...but I've got an utterly impressed look on my face. My bro Main ALWAYS brings the thunder in AND outta the ring. Fuck you Bourbon.


"Jesus, brother, you _flambéd_ that porky pink rod gobbler!"


Another struggle ensues on the other end of the phone... Now Robert can be heard bitching at Drew in the background. L O L, these guys...


"Drew?"

Jimbo look I won't be long I know you got super secret stuff going on and all but I just wanted to let you know that we are all rooting for you.

"Bro thank you but please, by _all means_ be long. I have like, a thousand years if I don't figure a way outta here."

Look boss I know that you are basically the fat Jerry O'Connell to Robert and I's Will Wheaten and River Phoenix. You know the awkward guy that we let hang around with us but I just wanted to make sure that you were feeling the love ahead of your big match with the pie eatin, lyin and cheatin Robbie Bourbon?


Drew probably doesn't know it but his referencing of "Stand By Me" elicits a miniscule release of endorphins off the nostalgia and makes me feel slightly better in distraction. I'd suddenly trade out-running a train with my best friends and brothers over this fate in a Sarlacc heartbeat.

Nostalgia then gives way to competitorial irritation towards Bourbon followed by feelings of wanting to throttle and pop the eyes out of his colossal head. Another distraction and another welcome one at that.

Then, because I'm Caedus and genuinely a mental hot mess, cued nostalgia and hatred begin to bleed together...


"Rotten sunuvabitch, tarnishing the Uni Title like that... Kinda like Lard-Ass ploppin' down all two tons for his wretched retchin' revenge...only Bobby don't know in THIS altered version of the story, Chopper, me, in lieu o' lack of the target's balls, sicks three foot thick fat guy neck and throat rips the Ray Brower _into_ 'is bitchass before knockin' him _out_ of his Keds with a little Wrexus Plexus locomotion! Oh yeah, you ain't heard wrong homie, I'm Chopper AND the train as far as that leech on MY nutsac is concerned...which for the record makes Robbie: Lard-Ass, the sac-leech and Ray Brower; a sucky dead fat fuck."

Yeahhhhhhhh about that...I know you got some pent up frustration that you want to take out on Gaybe Ruth-

"Gaybe Ruth"! El-oh-el!!

-but don't let that blind you to the bigger task at hand. Ever since War Games the Mother Fuckers have basically become an after thought. Pig is no where to be found. Robbie mailed it in against Danny Imperial and Engy, I'm not really sure what that dude is up to but you got yourself a chance to reclaim the biggest title in the fed. Me and Robert we will...wait for it...Stand By You no matter what. You got this Jimbo.


Again, I wonder if Drew understands just how far he and Robert's words go with me, especially in context with support. Having spent 20 years on the receiving end of one betrayal after another in the business had taken it's toll on me and even Ax3 had unfortunately felt the negative effects of that. However, since the formation of Apex, I'd found myself on the mental mend and no matter how many times I hear kind words and support from my Apex brothers, it never loses its positive impact.


"Oh believe you me bro, all that pent up gonna get spent up in pursuit of the Universal and nothin' else for the time being. Not only do _I_ need to reclaim it but _Apex_ needs this. Thus far we've accomplished everything we set out to accomplish; I'll do whatever it takes to succeed for us here.

And you and Mainiac are right about the state o' the Mother Fucked. Cain blew like coke, Pork Chop fucked off for the moment though I'm sure he'll be back. Raven got betrayed, my dude'll undoubtedly be slaughtering what's left of the swollen Sultan o' Twat at some point once I've finished with him on Warfare. Engy...bit of a hostile takeover goin' on there, interesting. None of it would seem to bode well for Robbie, a coward who hasn't gone solo for as long as _I've_ known of him, what with his preprogrammed pack of worshipper NPCs in The Bourbon Men. Of course, it could all be a ploy to set up for some attack en masse with Pig, Engy and Robbie, possibly the surprise return of Cain...hell, maybe even a couple _more_ shocking developments, ain't no tellin' what shady shit a shady shit'll enact to get his way. But none of it'll change a thing...not where Jim Caedus is concerned. If the possibility of gettin' jumped was a concept that held any sway over me doin' my thing I wouldn't have won two 24/7 Briefcases in a row or nabbed my half of the Tag Titles. Shit, I never would've made it this far and this long in the _business_, now approaching twenty-two years this summer. Robbie with a team? Fuck 'im. Robbie solo? Fuck 'im. I got this shit...APEX got this shit.

By the way, you know...we may have started off a bit on the wrong foot, bro...but in all honesty, at this point, I can't
picture this crew without the Drew. This whole flip-around as well...I've always wanted to be a hero, man, it ain't no secret. If I'm not now, I'm well on my way...and I never would've gotten there without you and Main. I'll never forget that."


That was real sweet Jim. It got me all hot and bothered and what not-

DOH!!

-but on the real Apex is everything we thought it could be when it was conceived. Let's keep the ball rolling. Alright I gotta go drop a deuce, oh wait before I go...


I'm suddenly startled from the conversation when my blind man's finger-drag exploration of the Sarlacc's otherwise smooth stomach wall surface produces the locating of a hemispherical "bubble" with a diameter roughly the size of my palm.


You still there?


Experimentally, I press against it with my right hand to find not only is the bubble solid but it sinks into the stomach wall with very little strength-

-afterwhich it immediately becomes permeable.


Jim?

In the background: What happened you dick head, did you hang up on him?


A feeling of vacuum suction travels up my arm before I can flinch backward and increases alarmingly to the point I'm pulled forward...discovering the wall itself has now become permeable as I pass through its gelatinous form.


"Oh shit, Drew I-"


::BOOOP::


The call drops once I've stumbled fully into wherever it is in the Sarlacc I am now. Without warning, the "floor" beneath my feet suddenly lurches, nearly knocking me to all fours, followed by the feeling of dropping at a steady pace.


Oh God, I think I pushed my way into this fucker's intestinal tract and now I'm heading for its asshole! Who knows how deep these creatures extend and how they defecate without ending up rooted in their own feces? What if they've evolved to efficiently dispose of it via incineration!? Shit, I'll poop out into the planet's core!!



"I Am NOT a Nugget!"



The faint, rhythmic thump of the Sarlacc's heartbeat begins to raise in volume as I drop. Odd anatomical placement for a heart, near the anus, but I suppose if you're a titanic worm living a stationary subterranean and therefore vulnerable life, it makes sense you'd want your heart as far from the surface and the predators as possible...









I continue to drop, every passing few seconds an excruciating reminder of my hellish demise to come...








Forty seconds later, I'm getting so close to the Sarlacc's heart now the thumping has grown to a volume that's punishing my ear drums and threatening to deafen me with each successive beat. Not only that...




...now I know I'm correct in my theory that the mighty worm will deposit me into the earth's molten core, for a burning illumination below me has been steadily increasing to near blinding levels and it's definitely getting noticeably hotter.









God please help m-









My descent suddenly halts and I lose my balance with the return of gravity, tumbling forward-





-and THROUGH another permeable wall into a brightly lit chamber!

I pick myself up, rising to my feet, noticing the deafening pounding of the Sarlacc heartbeat is now for some reason rapidly lowering in volume...


...as I raise my head to suddenly see-































[Image: 9DaFhS5.jpg]



-sitting behind a desk in an otherwise empty space with a single door set into the wall to my right. The heartbeat fades completely away...







"A little late aren't you?"

"......God?"

"No. No, I'm-."

"Hoooooly _shit_!! You're that god-LIKE character from The Matrix Reloaded!! The _ARCHITECT_!!"



[Image: ia3npzs.jpg]



"I'm the doorman...but thank you for that. A man can't take pride in his appearance without being teased just because he works a job like this??"

"Wait...the "doorman"? Doorman for what?"

"Have it you way, wiseass."

"Bro, I have _no_ idea what you-"


The doorman slaps a switch on his desktop and the door to my right swings open.


"That still doesn't answer my question so don't be expectin' an apology."

"Save the sarcasm and get in there."

Sarcasm? Fuck's with this old dick, I've no idea what's goin' on here.


Gracing me with a withering stare, the doorman watches as I walk reluctantly forward to the door, pitch black silence greeting me within.


"Sweet, more darkness."


Cautiously I step through the door-


::SLAM::


-the door immediately swinging shut behind me.


Wonderful.


::CLACK::


A spotlight suddenly hits me. I raise my arms to shield my eyes from the blinding glare.




(soundtrack)



Along with the sudden drop of a house track that assaults my ear drums, the room I'm in sparks to life with strobes and laser lights, illuminating...



...I'd say somewhere around a hundred jawas who erupt in high pitched cheers! But not just any Jawas, Jawas with cloaks tenting outward at the chests...Jawas with TITS! JAWA CHICKS!!


"What the FUCK is going on here!?" The music is so loud I can barely hear my own voice.

"Omu'sata ni dansa," one of the nearest Jawa bitches screeches!

ALL: "DAN-SA!

DAN-SA!

DAN-SA!

DAN-SA!-"
They continue chanting.

"WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUSAYING!!??"

They want you to dance.


The extremely close proximity of the monotone droid voice startles the hell out of me and I spin to see a volleyball sized floating black sphere with various implements of pokey, stabby torture protruding, as well as a syringe or two.

An Imperial interrogation droid.


"Oh, _fuck_ ME."

There is no need for alarm, human, I have been reprogrammed. Now all I do is translate for strippers who do not speak Jawaese.

"_STRIPPERS_!?"

Correct and I suggest you get to it. The last dancer who refused to entertain, they had disintegrated.

"Disintegrated?"


I glance across the room at an indent chamber to see-







"Let's get this party started!"


The Jawa bitches again erupt with cheers as I begin awkwardly gyrating and slowly removing my shirt.

A blaster rings out and a warning shot scorches the wall beside me.

I take the hint and tear my shirt off.


ALL: "UTINNI!"

They said wow.


Moving to my baggy blue Dickies, I unfasten my leather belt and whip it free from the belt loops to toss it aside.


"Mombay m'bwa!" One of the Jawa chicks snatches my belt while another initiates a tug of war over it. "Togu togu," the original snatcher screeches before shoving the other away and stuffing the belt in her cloak!

"Yo, I'm gonna need that back when I'm done," I holler!

She intends to keep it.


Trying to remain seductive while stifling my anger (so as to preserve my life), I make a show of unbuttoning, unzipping and dropping my pants to my ankles, exposing my mid-thigh length, blue plaid boxers and unfortunately the spoiler for What Lies Beneath dangling down from out of the left leg hole-


ALL: "UTINNI!!"

Can't your kind pick a new way to say "wow"?? The timing there would've made _John Holmes_ flinch!


-jiggling as I step out of my pants to kick them behind me to my boots.

Hesitating only momentarily-


Fuck it. Just do it.


-I finally push my boxers down and let them fall, stepping out of them with my dick and balls now completely swinging free to see as I continue my awkward dance.


ALL: UTINNI!!!


Small hands reach out on stage to snatch my boxers before I can save them. The lucky(?) Jawa bitch holds them to her unseen face and snorts before others try to relieve her of the prize and tear my boxers to shreds.


Ikee uwanna!

The bachelorette says she wants.

"Bachelorette!? Wants WHAT!?"


I halt my dance and watch as the sea of Jawa bitches parts down the middle, allowing a rather wide Jawa bitch wearing an off-white robe and flower crown to approach with authority. She pulls herself up onto the stage and points at my business.


UWANNA!!

You.


I yelp in startled pain as the interrogator droid stabs one of the syringes into my neck, injecting me!

Immediately my wang stiffens to full mast, possibly even a bit more than usual.


"What the SHIT!?"


The bachelorette pounces, her surprisingly ample weight in three foot form hitting me like a wrecking ball and knocking me to my back where she straddles me, grips my throbbing member painfully then works to squeeze it into-


"WHOA!! WHAT THE FUCK _IS_ THAT!?? ARE THOSE TEETH!?? I HATE THAT MOVIE!!"


My cock should be snapping back to flaccid in horror right about now but that liquid über Viagra won't allow it! The bachelorette begins riding and grinding, with each rise and fall the faint scrape of fanged alien vagina along the shaft.


ALL: H-KEEK!!

H-KEEK!!

H-KEEK!!

H-KEEK!!


They are now chanting "fuck".

"You DON'T say!? AAAAAAAHH!!"


The beefy bachelorette intensifies her riding, her hands traveling up her cloak to rub her Jawa boobs before raising to her head where she claws at her hood passionately like it's her hair.


ALL: H-KEEK!!

H-KEEK!!

H-KEEK!!

H-KEEK!!



She rides even more aggressively, hammering my pelvis, as she begins to emit an alarming sound, a rising ultra fast vibrato shriek.


When she has her orgasm remember to lie perfectly still so her vaginal craw doesn't amputate your penis.

"WHAT!?"


I struggle to free myself but this jawa bitch is unbeliEVABLY strong and I left my power-doubling gold nugget on a chain back at the hotel in an effort to AVOID danger!

She rides even HARDER, her high pitched continuous shriek raising to such a volume I clap my hands to my ears to block out what I can lest my head explode!

She begins to convulse and I lay stock still.


"FUUUUUUUUUUU-"


I can feel her Jawa snatch jaws lightly CHEWING ON MY SHAFT!!


"-UUUUUUUUUUU-"


Her convulsing amps up...and suddenly EVERY Jawa bitch in the place mirrors, seemingly experiencing the bachelorette's throes through some sort of ESP-enabled Jawa sharegasm.

The chewing gets rougher on my rod!!


"-UUUUUUUUUUU-"

ALL: UUUTIIIIIINNIIIIIIII!!


::BITE!!::


"-UUAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!"


The bachelorette shivers once and sighs, then, kinda like a human male now tired of his company after the fact, lifts her fat ass off me and stands, using her robe to wipe her unseen toothed pussy as do the rest of the Jawa whores in the room.

I hop to my feet, checking my dick-


Oh thank God, just a FUCKING CHOMP MARK!!

Ashuna! Ashuna!


The bachelorette begins dismissively waving me away.


She says go. They want you to leave now.


The droid tags me in the side with a cattle-prod.


"OW!! I'm going, I'm GOING!"


I gather my clothing and make a hurried naked skip to the doorman's door right around the song's ending. As it swings open, I spin to snatch the interrogator droid by an antenna with my free right hand then twist back and dash through into the arrival chamber.

The doorman greets me with a shit-eating grin before he notices the droid and catches the sudden raucous roar of disapproval from the Jawa bachelorette party inside and smacks the switch, slamming the door.

Moments later, a dozen tiny fists begin pounding on the other side.


The doorman, eyes wide in horror, queries, "WHAT do you think you're doing!?"

Release me, human stripper.

"Oh I will..."


Dropping my clothes, I use my now free left hand to grab the one half-full syringe (by process of elimination, the insta-boner serum) and rip it free from the droid's sphere body.


Ouch. You shall pay for that.

"Aw shut the fuck up. Open it, doorman."

"Pardon me??"

"OPEN IT!"


He obliges, the door swinging open, knocking the group of Jawa bitches behind it into the air. More surge forward as I pitch the interrogator droid with all my strength, toppling them like pins.

The doorman shuts the door once more.


"Are you out of your mind!?!"

"I've never been more sane, old man. This here-" I hold out the boner serum syringe. "-this is a pharmaceutical goldmine! I STILL have wood after all that! But that's not all..." I drop my hand holding the syringe and adopt a menacing look as the pounding on the door restarts.

His eyebrows raise.


"What is it you want??"

"Answers. The Sarlacc Pit... Meant to collect unsuspecting "strippers" for you bloodthirsty slavey-rapey-kidnappey cocksuckers?"

"Hey, I just work here. And...yes and no. The Sarlacc's purpose IS to disguise the secret talent entrance into the Jawa Club but it's a mock up."

"Secret talent TRAP you mean! And bullshit it ain't real! How did it burp!?"

"Honestly? After all this, apparently unaware, you find it hard to imagine a simple audio effect to enhance the camouflage?"

"GodDAMMIT!! If the Sarlacc's _fake_ that means I can't take a sample of its tissue to synthesize a lifespan-extending elixir for the people...and all I'll get out of this is a dumbass gazillion dollars off the erection shot formula."


The doorman's fearful expression melts to deadpan, his tone dry sarcasm.


"Poor you."

"Suck my balls, dirty doorman. Giving life is much more important than getting money. Now how the hell do I get outta here? Same way as I came in?"


The doorman flicks a switch on the opposite side of his desk and the wall beside the area I'd been spat out from becomes permeable.


"Happy trails."

"Go fuck yourself."


I gather my clothing, secreting the syringe into a Dickies pocket, then walk on through the wall and-








-10 seconds later I jettison up from a dune in an explosion of sand, clothing and naked me.


::IRIS TO BLACK::


♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤





--EARLIER--


"Can's Log: Earth Date zero one two one two zero one eight, what the Terrans praying to a giant, mischievous, intergalactic goldfish with shape changing abilities and a flair for the dramatic named Bloop Bloop but they unwittingly call God refer to as the Sabbath Day, Sunday; the day Bloop Bloop likes to take a break from working in mysterious ways so he can quietly float in zero-G and see how long and coiled of tubular space goldfish turds he can squeeze out before they break off and float away, at which point he and the asteroids like to place bets over whether or not any of the turds will get stuck in orbit around one of the nine planets and form new "rings" the Terrans find so beautiful.

Silly Terrans.

To continue, I seem to have run into a snag in my plans to keep tabs on the clown by way of planting a bug on gladiator Jim Caedus (a bug intended to transfer to the target when possible) when I accidentally killed Jimmy by knocking him into a Sarlacc Pit. Now I shall have to bug someone else...just as soon as I'm not feeling so down and unmotivated."


"I told you this would only make you feel worse, sir."

"Stop calling me "sir". My father, Lord Rubbermaid, was the sir, I'm just plain old Lord Trash Can. You can refer to me as "your liege" if you wish, however."

"Fat chance ya cosplayin' homo. Another?"

"Please."


::The bartender cracks a bottle and pours it into Lord Trash Can's hole once his lid flips open. He then wanders away down the bar to another customer, our Regi of Refuse calling after him::


"I didn't dismiss yooooou... Helloooo?"


::Lord Trash Can hiccups, a tiny, sparkly cloud of cosmic popping free. It floats over to one of the draft beer fonts, hitting it and dissipating::


"Pssst, my liege."

"Hm? Who's that?"


::The font's brand display, a figurine of a man holding a huge beer can over his head, twists slightly to face Lord Trash Can::


"Well, you haven't named me yet but it is I, my liege, your latest humble servant to be given life. I uh, just wanted you to know...if you wanted more to drink, I have SO much more to offer than the bottles."

"More you say?"

"Just about as much as you could drink, my liege. All you have to do is come over here and stick your hole under MY hole. Just don't let the bartender see you."

"Psh, no problem."


::Our Heinous Highness winks out of existence, or so it would seem...

The draft beer font whisper-hisses::


"My liege? ... My liege!?"

"I'm right here you fool, I'm just invisible."

"Forgive me, lord. Is your hole under my hole?"

"Can you not hear how close I am? Our holes are practically kissing, let 'er rip!"


::The font tilts and a stream of pale lager begins to flow, disappearing two inches from the source into an invisible Lord Trash Can::


g u l p - g u l p - g u l p


::Set at an angle, the Regi of Refuse is building up very little foam inside as well as taking in the liquid as silently as possible. Masterful::


g u l p - g u l p - g u l p


::The lager continues to pour, the bartender none the wiser, having an apparent deep conversation with a very attractive young lady::


g u l p - g u l p - g u l p


::The bartender receives a napkin from the little tart, tucks it into his pocket and turns to check on the customers beside her, closer to the beer fonts::


g u l p - g u l p - g u l p

"Uh, my liege?"


::All's well with them. The bartender starts walking over- He pauses at the sight of the tap tilted, beer flowing into nothingness...::


g u l p - g u l p - g u l p

"My liege!!"

"What the hell...?"


::The bartender storms over, the tap tilting back into place, the stream ceasing to flow. He stabs his hand into the air between tap and bar-top where the liquid had been vanishing-

-slicing only into thin air. He eyes the floor...no liquid::


B U U U U U R P !!


::The bartender's eyes snap to where the burp originated from: an empty stool occupied earlier by Lord Trash Can to see a flash of white illumination as our invisible Heinous Highness teleports away.

An immediate follow-up flash of white elsewhere in the bar and-::







::-the bartender, as well as every other patron, spin to take in the karaoke stage, Lord Trash Can immersed in the spotlight.

Our Heinous Highness floats up to the mic stand, dipping and slightly tipping to the right as he does so, spilling a couple drops of the lager nearly overflowing from inside him::


"Yeh... yeh..."

B U U U U U U R P


Whenuh walkom-by
gurlz b' loogin lye dammyfly
pimz t' thuh bee
walkuhdownuhstree'im-eye nool-free, yaaaz
Thiz how-uhroll, aminul p'int, pan'z owcontrow
Muh maooow BIG'AFROW
Nyaike Bruzyroy gottuhGO!


Gurl dooka bawdy

Gurl dooka bawdy

Gurl dooka bawdy

Ah ah ah OWW!


Gurl dooka bawdy

Gurl dooka bawdy

Gurl dooka bawdy

Aaaaaahhh OWWW!!

Whenuhwah t'th'zpaw
zizzuhwuddazee
evvybuddyzobbin aneestarinahmee
Eyeguh PASHIN immapan'z inna A-fray SHOWIT"



::A hatch opens on Lord Trash Can's lower front section-






























[Image: MghBTLj.png]


-and what we can all safely assume T-1000's dick looks like pops out.

All scream in united horror::


"UM SEKZY ANNA-NO-IH!!"


::The track ends abruptly as the bartender yanks the machine's cord from the wall.

Lord Trash Can swivels violently to the side to face the bartender, tipping half the lager in him onto the stage in a wash of alcohol::


"You motherFUCKER!! Get ou-"


Lord Trash Can suddenly teleports in-bar again, the bartender immediately spotting his return spawn-::


"HEY!!"


::-back to just below the living beer tap, still visible::


"Gimmymoar Pryvid Nash-rull Lye!"

Proudly. "Yes, my liege, right away! Private Natural Light EVER at your service!"


::The Private tilts, unleashing more of his keg's infamously shitty brand contents::


g u l p - g u l p - g u l-


::KLANG!!::


::The bartender's charging-swung mic stand connects with Lord Trash Can's bottom, our Lord's opening catching the tap on the upward motion, the remainder of the lager shooting out of him and dousing the bartender, bar top, floor, stool and ceiling as he flips end over end over the draft beer font to crash into the wall across the way, dropping to his side.

Lord Trash Can stirs, his opening rising slightly from the floor to point at the bartender::


"Ooooohyoo dunnih NOW!"


::DRUNKEN COSMIC BLAST...







::...when the smoke has cleared and the dust settled, we find our Regi of Refuse floating above the massive crater that used to be the bar...and the surrounding neighborhood::


"Pryvid? ... Pryyyviiiiid??"


::Silence...

Lord Trash Can suddenly erupts with cosmic vomit from his opening and a stream of cosmic urine from his low-front hatch.

When the double evacuation has ended...::


"Maigawd Poople-ax pleeeeeeze mayk th'craterztopinning...I SWARE'll NEVERdringingin...

Mm? Whuzzat? ......HEEZA LYYYVE!?"



::Lord Trash Can tries to teleport away in a wash of white light...but only manages to phase in and out. He tries again...another failure.

This may take awhile...::


◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇




--Approximately 30 Minutes Later--


::The dune buggy speeds over the mounds of amber sand waves, leaving a long trail of dust in its wake as it cuts a swath across the Tunisian desert known as the Grand Dune.

As our XWF drone pov closes in we can see none other than Robert Main behind the wheel and Drew Archyle in the passenger seat holding on for dear life with his right hand on the bar, his left holding out a smartphone with an active tracking display on-screen::


Jesus Christ! Robert, take it easy!

There he is, Drew!

What!? Where!?

Right THERE!


::Robert pilots the dune buggy to a halt several feet away from-


-Jim Caedus, thankfully re-dressed, lowering his arms from a waving position.

Not far away, just over a dune rise, a flash of white illumination reveals the arrival of Lord Trash Can. He floats up the hill of sand, spies Jim AND two other unidentified gladiators and hunkers back down out of sight, only the tip of his lid visible as he keeps watch.

Robert and Drew hop out of the vehicle as Jim saunters over, no longer amused::


"I fucking hate Star Wars."


÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷


--Saturday•January 27•Afternoon--

--Dar Belhadj Restaurant•Tunis, Tunisia--


::Robert, Drew and Jim are enjoying an exquisite lunch, Jim himself caught in the middle of a phone call. We catch the voice on the other end-::


"The sample has been analyzed, we can definitely move ahead with production. Jim...this stuff will not only revolutionize the sexual aid industry...it'll eliminate male impotence altogether. You stand to make billions the first two years alone."

"I fucking love Star Wars!"

::STATIC::

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