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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » WAR GAMES 2017 RP BOARD
Angering the Giant
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The Engineer Offline
Man of Peace



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#1
12-20-2017, 08:23 PM



Sheeny homosexual and Fox News' one and only consummate professional Shepherd Smith appears on screen. He doesn't look all that happy however. In fact, he kinda looks like a kid who just got scolded after he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Maybe it was the fact that he's been a tad too aggressive in his line of questioning with the Trump's. Or maybe it's because he still insists on doing things like fact checking and generally not being a new era Joseph Goebbels. Either way, the man has now been stuck with such hard hitting reporting as....

...and the poll results are in! Gingerbread MEN have beat out gingerbread WOMEN 77% to 22% with a final 1% of respondents saying “all gender is illusory, love Antifa.”

In related news, I hate myself and I want to....


Shep jerks spasmodically in his seat, as the shock device inserted deep in his rectum is activated. After the punishment is administered, he pants painfully for a moment before regaining his composure.

Sorry folks, I was just joking. I'm told that 2018 Senate candidate and XWF superstar Dexter Bright is standing by for our interview. Mr. Bright, can you hear me?

Engy appears in a split screen next to Shep Smith. He's dressed smartly for once, in a suit and tie. His wounds and burns from the C4 Deathmatch have tastefully been covered in make up, and his teeth are supernaturally pearlescent.

Hello Shep, and MERRY CHRISTMAS! Gotta say man, that piece you did on cute kittens playing with tinsel the other day? AH-MAZ-ING.

Shep crumples the notes in his hands in barely suppressed rage. A bead of sweet presses through a pore on his forehead and rolls down his face.

Why, thank you Mr. Bright that means...means so much to me. But let's talk about you. You've been garnering a lot of attention both in Washington and in your day job in the XWF.

Would you say a fair bit of controversy as well?

NO, NO I WOULD NOT SAY THAT! Heh...not at all.....

Shep pulls a bit on his collar, shooting nervous glances about the studio before unwrinkling his notes and laying them flat out before himself once again.

So, **ahem**....anyway Mr. Bright, many are sitting on the edge of their seats in anticipation of the release of your campaign platform. But I was wondering if you could speak today to some of your plans, maybe give the voters a sneak peak at what you are going to offer them.

Oh, I can do better than that Shep. I can tell you what my very first act as a U.S. Senator will be!

Well, that's outstanding! Let's hear it.

My first act in congress will be to issue a bill for a public works project in Washington D.C., bill number S 447. The project will involve the construction of a massive statue in honor of a great man. A man of powerful words. A man of action, certainly as well. But also a man of deep, abiding, and unrelenting insecurity who really needs a shot of self confidence. And that man is Jim Caedus.

A few more beads of sweat peek out from She's brow line. He laughs nervously, shooting another glance in his producer's direction just off screen. The pleading, quiet desperation in his expression is impossible to miss.

I'm sorry, your going to do what now...?

I'm making a big ass statue of Jim Caedus.

....why?

I just said why. Because he's insecure. And Shep, I'm starting to not appreciate the tone this interview is taking...

Engy holds up a cylinder with a big red button on it. Shep gulps.

I'm terribly sorry! I didn't mean to insult you!

It's okay man, water under the bridge. Now, I realize that some of the good people at home may not know who Jim Caedus is. So, to illustrate why this profoundly insecure man needs the pick me up he does, I've sent your producer like a half hour worth of cuts from his last promo, which we will play here and I will address in their entirety.

Did you say a half hour?

Yeah, I uh, hope you didn't have anything else planned for this show. Sorry man, but Jim is EXTREMELY wordy and he feels compelled to nit pick every last thing that people say in a state of constipated anger, and then conclude by telling everyone how hard he owned them like a 12 year old shit posting on an internet message board. Jim is also really, really obsessed with internet message boards incidentally, and he will regularly refer to imaginary internet message boards to fuel his nitpicking. Anyway, roll clip number one if you would please...

Is this really going to take....

Engy silently points to the big red button again.

Yes sir.

Quote: You got lucky the last time. You know it, I know it and it makes no difference who else can see it, it's the truth. You caught me distracted by my own older brother John Caedus turning his back on me, unable to deliver my usual brand of consistent harshness, and like Danny Imperial did by LYING to me to keep me from unloading on him our first go-round, you took advantage of good ol' Jim and you've been riding the wave of that upset since. Fuck the titles you never truly earned, an Xtreme strap and King of the Ring with Thaddeus Duke and Trax BOTH deciding to head off for greener pastures and HANDING them both to you like my bro Raven blessed Bourbon with the Uni, Engy, you fucking hack fake tough guy piece o' shit. Fuck all that...your one true claim to fame is dominating Jim Caedus in the ring like no else ever has OR WILL AGAIN. Period. And now...I'm gonna take it right back as I did with Danny's mudskipper pearl divin' ass you pathetic poser pissant. Firstly-"

Well, you heard it here folks. Jim Caedus is blaming his loss to me on inter-family drama. That terrible scourge of ring veterans. Jim, I'm really sorry your brother hurt your feelings to the point that you couldn't get quite as psychotically angry in your promos as you usually do. Because as we all know how hard you bring it to someone in promos bears a direct correlation with whether or not you win a match. Because that makes sense. It makes about as much sense as me being told to apologize for the one billionth time for people bitching out on King of the Ring (can I say “bitching”, it's past noon, right?) when I had absolutely no control over that. Clearly I should have dropped out of the King of the Ring the very moment I heard those fine gentlemen wouldn't be at their best.

“Why yes, I should forfeit this opportunity to win one of the grandest distinctions in the XWF because Trax and Duke flaked out. Because continuing would be taking the easy route and would make my King of the Ring win ultimately meaningless and certainly not in keeping with the competitive spirit of....” wait Jim Caedus cashed in his last 24/7 briefcase on Gabe Reno to become Uni champ the first time? Huh. Why... it's almost as though taking the easy route is ok for some people and not others? I mean, granted my “easy route” still involved BEATING Trax and Vinnie Lane's annointed one, but I digress.

Also, nice of you to give Bobby Main a shot in the mouth by saying my ONE true claim to fame is beating you. I think beating a talent of Bobby's caliber is pretty cool too.

Next?


Quote: Anyway, YOU said, among very few other things in that first Mothercucker "collab" the word friendo. Friendo. Easy there Javier, we get it, you watched No Country For Old Men right before you all shot that God awful load and you didn't have the class to NOT say it without quotations given the fact that's a very rare variation on the word friend and cannot be considered acceptable free-use slang. Thief. Bitch. Liar. Poser. Always taking from someone else's ideas, huh formerly "Lying Ass Motherfucker"-until-I-called-you-on-it-then-you-changed-it-because-I-own-you-and-you-take-your-cues-from-Caedus-like-Cadryn-did? Rhetorical, the answer's yes, Mr. I'm One Minute then I'm suddenly swinging the silver tongue smartassery like Jim so I can beat him and others. Copycat. Mimic. Hack. Danny Imperial. You got no balls, Engy, no substance, no true identity, cloaked in lies and samples.


”I'M JIM CAEDUS AND I'M GONNA GET REAL ANGRY AND PEDANTICALLY POINT OUT FOR AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH OF FUCKING DIALOGUE THAT A THROW AWAY WORD ENGY USED IS THE SAME AS A WORD FROM THIS MOVIE I SAW THIS ONE TIME”. I think you've grasped at enough straws for one day and....whoops! I was wrong.

Jim can you diagram that "until I called you on it" sentence for me? Or will I have to re-injure my brain to make heads or tails of it? Jim...I....**sigh**....I still don't know where your getting this whole “lying ass motherfucker” thing from. I never called myself that. Ever. You literally pulled it out of the ether. I don't post on message boards. I'm not arguing with an unmedicated schizophrenic on that point anymore.


Quote:You're just too goddamn greedy for the lauding to admit it, like you're too greedy to let go of that Xtreme strap I should've stolen away a dozen times by now in the 24/7 halls. You act nonchalant about the whole thing but clearly you're so full of yourself you wouldn't have it any other way. If you were a man with class and honor you woulda dropped it but no, you gotta cling to that shit you barely fought for because all you HAVE are nigh nonexistent straws to grasp at. Come at me bitch."

You're right Jim. I should totally abandon this title that I haven't had to work hard to win or retain. Except by beating Trax. And then by beating you to retain it. And then by beating your friend Robert Main. I have done nothing to warrant any sort of respect in holding this championship so I will give it up because that's what good champions do. Naturally, this standard does not apply to men who ambush notorious flakes like Gabe Reno to win the premier title in the fed. Which Jim Caedus did.

And by the by friendo (I see those veins in your neck exploding from here, don't worry my check to Javier Bardem is in the mail), what exactly HAS stopped you from ambushing me for the Xtreme title? I mean, you want to sit there and gloat about how you could have done it anytime you wanted. But you never did. Why not Jim? “Come at me bitch”.


Quote:"And _you've_ always (well, not always, you used to pretend to be you low class prick) had a flair for coherently stating your case...until now of course. "(I) want our battle to some grand morality play." Fuck does that mean as spoken, idiot? And on the topic of what you meant to say, were you not a hack, yeah dumbass, that was the whole point to my dropping your team, difference of opinion and actions. Don't get all butthurt now that I ruined your weak plans of owning the evil as alluded to in that first Fatherfucker collab, just accept it and move on. That ain't how you play though is it? Oh no, not Engy. Engy CAN'T ever be wrong even though he always fucking is and is PROVEN to be so. He's like a little girl, refusing to spill the truth, constant with the twisting and dishonesty, saying the word fallacy in every goddamn solo promo he shoots because he's a snotty, holier-than-thou I-think-I'm-smarter-than-all-of-you disrespectful cunt...and who among you ever stands up to tell him fuck off? S'ok, I'll do it for you, fam. Fuck off Engy, you ain't smarter, better, more creative or anything of the sort. You're just an arrogant thieving lying douche who has a serious ass whipping comin' to 'im. And you better believe the people are gonna LOVE IT.


Whoa...whoa...whoa....I CAN'T ADMIT TO BEING WRONG? I CAN'T? Hello pot, meet black cattle. What with the breathless hour long, kill everything with fire raging monologues you launch yourself into at the drop of a hat, apparently I'm the one who has a problem with being wrong.

Here are some other things Jim Caedus accuses me of saying that I am, which I never did. “Smarter or more creative?” I'm not either of those things. Never said it. That's your insecurity bleeding through, hence why you're getting the monument. You're welcome. I am better sometimes though. Like that time I was better than you. Oh, I forgot, that was your brothers fault.


Quote:Kinda like how I love you trying to bash my brothers for what they've both done in the past. Monsters and convicts you called them. Golf clap. Yeah, I used to be heavy in the dark side of life as well Engy but guess what, I made an effort to change, Main redeemed himself and Drew paid for his crimes behind bars. That segues quite nicely into: has ENGY made an effort over time to change, redeemed himself for attacking a woman or paid for his crimes? D. None of the above. So yes, Engy, let's look at the men I choose to support then look at YOU and the men YOU choose to support and, naturally, you may proceed to choke on your own words being a foot-in-mouth dumbfuck who claims he'll be running a train on anyone's points when he can't even keep his own fuckin' point on the tracks. Moron. ...How the FUCK did you beat me?


I have done nothing to change myself. But I'm eager to learn. Turns out, against all reason, my son is actually a decent person. I'm gonna keep him around for a while and see what shakes loose. But don't go expecting me to completely change my spots. And that was kind of my whole point Jim. People are not universally good or bad. They're something in between. People like you keep trying to shoehorn others into these simplistic easily digestible boxes because it makes hitting another human being easier. Because it makes it easier to hate. Take BWP for instance, what's the worst that man has done, huh? Made a smut film that some kid got a front row seat to? Sided with a couple guys you hate? Jesus Jim, get some PERSPECTIVE. The man is a combat veteran. He fought for this country. Not to mention the fact that XWF has seen literal MURDERS take place, I don't think BWP is all that bad. But this being a Jim Caedus promo, well if his opponent isn't the worst thing since cancer then he has no material to work with. Jim Caedus is a man who has to hate his opponents, who has to rage at them with the fire of a thousand suns. No matter who and what they are. I'm starting to think maybe you're the one with the problem.

And how did I beat you? We already went over that. Your brother beat you. Or something.


Quote:Oh, right...the shady way you go about shit and taking advantage of dishonorable opportunities. Got it. Shady like you arguing that you didn't ever use the term Lyin Ass Motherfucker like some kinda half ass trap to get me to shoot MYSELF in the foot as you're so oft fond of doin' to yourself, amateur. Boy, you're too sneaky for meeee ain'tcha? Here's the problem, ain't no botch in relaying the already known info that on our very own official site you used that very same handle in pride for weeks after beating me, then changed it after I called you on it and people ALREADY CHECKED TO SEE THE TRUTH BEHIND THAT. What's wrong , thought maybe I'd do something with pictures to prove it like I did against Ally Worsted? Don't need pictures when people witnessed it firsthand. You had the damn thing in use long enough many of us saw it and now...well, now you just look like the completely dishonest piece o' dogshit you are. That's all you've got Engy, accusations easily deflated and lies for every apt point your opponents fling you way. You've got no backbone, no honor, no true skill. You just lie like a kid. Pathetic.

OUR LIVES DO NOT PLAY OUT ON AN INTERNET BOARD JIM TAKE YOUR PILLS!

Quote:Yeah Engy, I know it's "a crying shame" I didn't stick with you ball-bag draining asshookers, and I know you meant that sincerely that YOU were fuckin' sobbin' after the fact in the knowledge your team no longer had Jim Caedus on your side. Goddamn skippy it's a crying shame for the Motherfuckers but for Apex and Jim Caedus, it means I won't be among you when your pitiful "stable" implodes like I was with Ax3.

I was serious about that Jim. I know that may be hard to swallow because you just have to hate me with every fiber of your being or you can't get in the zone or whatnot, but it's true. You are the finest rival I have ever had. You get my juices flowin', my engines revvin', or whatever other cliché we can tack on. Contrary to what you may believe, I like competition. I like to be pushed to my limit. That's why I WANTED to face you in the first place. It's why I actually asked to face Robert Main as a follow up to my match with you.

Even your friends see something in me to respect. And while they may not appreciate my moral compass, they see that I am a fighter. But you don't. You seem to honestly feel like I was handed everything on a silver platter. And I am just fucking gobsmacked by that. I pushed management to book me in title defenses so I could earn my briefcase. I busted my ass through every round in that King of the Ring tournament. And I am sick, sick, SICK to fucking death of people like you telling me that everything I have done doesn't mean DICK because this person or that supposedly wasn't on their game. You used the same excuse on yourself and it is unquestionably the biggest jabbering pussy of a bitch move goin'. It is the hall mark of sore losers and it is the hall mark of the chronically insecure.

And now we come full circle.

YOU ARE INSECURE.

There. It's out there. Front and center. The biggest unspoken secret in the XWF. Jim motherfucking Caedus, the biggest scariest hoss on the roster. Mr. Superstar of the month twice in 2017. The guy who garners even more respect around these parts than I do....IS INSECURE.

Check it, how often does the guy offer a compliment in his promos, despite his opponent (ie. me) doing it OFTEN? How often does the guy go on unhinged tirades over fucking WORD USAGE, like weeding through people's promo's and searching for a needle in a haystack will be the lynchpin that drives him to victory? The guy doesn't miss a beat, no matter how miniscule or pedantic because he is TERRIFIED of LOSING. Losing a war of words. Losing the match. Losing the battle of public opinion. Jim Caedus is in a constant state of fighting with his own feelings of inadequacy that he can't see the forest for the trees. “INCORRECT PHRASING-MINUS TEN POINTS! MIGHT HAVE STOLEN A TERM FROM A MOVIE-MINUS TWENTY POINTS. I AM CAEDUS-BLEEP BLORP! PLEASE INSERT SELF CONFIDENCE!” I mean...heh....it would be FUNNY if it didn't point so solidly to some serious signs of mental illness. And I should know.

Now I can see you Jim. Right now, across time and space. You're hearing these words and the anger is building. You're probably white knuckling the arm rests of your chair. Getting that churning feeling in your guts. Oh shit, is Engy right? No, no...he couldn't possibly....

I'm sure you'll burn the midnight oil and get your buddies together to debate each and every single one of these points within the frame work of some nifty sketch comedy. And I'm excited to see it. Truly. You're a grand master at it. When you stick to, you know, REALITY.

But before you start breathing fire, I want you to just BREATHE. Take a moment to appreciate the fact that yes, you are well respected. Yes, you are talented. So NO, you don't need to throw these hour long needling tantrums like some overcompensating piss punk.

I got plans Jim. And not just the statue. Plans for me. For The Motherfuckers. For Apex.

For you.

War Games is just the start Jimbo. We're gonna set the world on fire.


Shep Smith is nervously watching Engy as the time ticks by.

So are....are we good? Is it over?

Yup. All done.

Engy's presses down on the button. Shep collapses on the anchor desk as thousands of volts rip through his rectum. He starts to froth at the mouth as he slips to the floor. A member of the crew rushes to his aid, and then recoils as the stench of the mighty shit in his pants assaults their nostrils.

Love ya Jimbo, byyyyeeeeeee!

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(12-20-2017), "The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler (12-21-2017), Chris Clemens (12-21-2017), Drew Archyle (12-21-2017), JimCaedus (12-20-2017), Prof. Bobby Bourbon (12-21-2017)




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