Robert, I didn't know you owned this much land, man? How much is here?



Yeah man! I own 600 acres in each direction! Hell, I nearly own the whole fuckin state! There are parts of this place I still have not seen to this day!



Why so much?



Jimmy, that's an easy one! I like my privacy for one and two I like to be able to do what I want when I want on my property! Those dicks who have HOA'S are losers! I want to have a huge fire I will. I want to hunt I'll do that! I want to blow shit up I'll do that too. I own so much land no one can say shit about anything I do!



Blow shit up? When we doing that? I'm all about blowing shit up! Come Bobby what we talking? C-4? Pipe Bombs what you got?





Robert and Jim glance at Drew unsurprised of the question he had just asked them!



Not right now Drew but later I promise! We've got to get a Christmas tree!



YES!



Where's the pine trees?




Okay I've got a small pine grove just behind that tree line. You boys have your axs?



Robert glimpses towards Jim who has his ax braced up on his shoulder. Jim Nods to Robert leaning up against a large oak tree. Robert then glances over towards Drew, Robert raises one eye brown as Drew heaves the razor-sharp ax into the air catching it with one hand. Drew hesitates for a second before hurling the ax back into the air, Drew acknowledges Jim and Robert staring at him. Drew shrugs his shoulders taking his eyes off of the ax in the air puzzled!



What?



Holy Fuck Knuckles!! What are you doing Drew?



Drew reaches out catching the ax without even contemplating where the ax is catching it with one hand!



Geez guys. You'd think you two never saw a guy handle an ax like a true outdoors men. I am shocked! Shocked! Especially by you Jim. You look like you spend your days chopping down trees.



I do bro, they're called hot needy bitches that're taller than me. My god though, Drew... Robert, you've got to admit that was impressive my brother!




Roberto! Do happen to have any deer jerky out here! I'd kill for some deer jerky! No, literally, I will kill a deer and make jerky out of him! I just need a gun! But don't tell anyone that would be a major violation of my parole! Wait I have an ax!



Buuuuuullshit. Drew, you can't kill a deer with an ax man! No way, no how! Fucker would hear and/or see you comin' from a mile away!



Oh Jimmy crapped corn! You don't know me very well!



I bet you a 1000 dollars in hundos you can't and won't!



Drew smirks pointing at Jim



Jim! You just lost 1000 bucks!



Wait, what the fuck you mean Robert? Robert? Hey!



Robert eyes the trees off in the distance as they each shiver in the bitter wind, their naked branches embellished with white cottony snow. arrays of twigs, gnarled and contorted themselves throughout, extending outward much like frozen hands of old man winter himself, anticipating each one of the soft descending flakes. The brilliant bleached white drifts climb upward in soft curves and fall again to the buried ground. These trees have months of harsh below freezing nights ahead of them before they finally awaken, and when they do it will be a lackadaisical stirring, progressively growing unnoticed over time.






Let's go get our Christmas tree!



Bro, you can't say Christmas man! Robbie might get offended and crucify the fuck outta- Oh, no, wait, see, now _I_ done did it! Christmas, crucifixion, those are theological concepts and unacceptable in Gaydolf Tit-ler's eyes, it's insensitive to anyone of conflicting beliefs, a detail he'd jump on like Blue on this dick if she ever finds the key to her cage Robbie keeps on a chain hidden within the folds of his elephant leg thick neck and his man breast cleavage. Of course, I'm not into beastiality so I'd simply tranq' the probably-tranny-in-lieu-of-what-"woman"-would-find-Robbie-attractive wildebeest and have Animal Control take her off my hands. Anyhoo...Herr Hack's willing to lie so he'd certainly grasp at any possible straw as well, regardless of how flimsy, much like how he abuses the dick outta his wang, violently beatin' that limp cocktail frank to the Food Network despite the multiple DVROs it's filed in protest, or robbing the children he hires for his promos of their stuffed animals so that he might cross teddy bear legs and penetrate, fuck a furry hole every time Blue's furry hole, her anus, is on the outs with his waning sexual interest. God Robbie Bourbon is revolting...



Fuck Robbie Bourbon!



Ya seen his promos? He went hard on you Bobby! Well if you consider that hard I guess. I mean seemed weak! Repackaged and all. Kinda like the Mother Fuckers. What is this version 4.0? 5.0? And he wants to talk about how Apex is an Ax3 re-branding or some silly nonsense? I guess the guy's never heard of irony before.



Drew man, I got halfway through it and had to turn the channel! Honestly, I HATED IT! Robbie Bourbon is as counterfeit as a three dollar bill! Every single word that rolls off his tongue are artificial and prefabricated. If people accept his fictitious rhetoric they are as feeble-minded as Robbie Bourbon. This is far from AX3 re-branded! Soon that foolish fucker will realize what he has gotten himself into!



Robert couldn't help but admire the snow-covered trees. It's hard to imagine a few months ago these trees were full of life, now its hard to picture them re-clothed in all their finery. As the three men trudge through the six to eight inches of snow on the ground they passed a large oak tree. The roots submerged deep in the frozen Earth, the branches provoking the men as they pass by, stirring their wintry dreams. Robert looks to the ground seeing an array of sparkles and crunches under the three men's feet, like sugar!



Now speaking of Robbie Bourbon, the sloth looking ginger!

Little Robbie Bourbon In School

Can you believe this is a guy who alleges he has morals. He supposedly takes the high road and he pulls shit like this! But I guess I should be honest here for a second, what else can Robbie go on? He can't bombard me on the grounds of being a un-talented wrestler. He can't scream into a camera telling the world I'm a failure! That 10 pounds of gold I harvested last week proves otherwise! What's the fat man got? An anemic ambush? Now I'm not suggesting in any way, I am a foolproof or blameless human being! I've undertaken some atrocious things in my life, hell we all have! Not one man, woman or child is flawless. I've said some horrendous things also! I might just be as charming as an angel! But I'm damn sure not one! Robbie, you claim to be a champion! This mighty conqueror! A man of the people! Yet you call people Nazis? Really? Nazis? Ya, your the true American hero we've all been looking for! Your nothing more than a Communist Russian agent! Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin would be proud!



Robert pauses



Fat Boys Favorite Treat






Everything and I mean everything that you claim to be Robbie Bourbon is a misrepresentation of who you truly are! I believe you called me something I will not stand for you fat piece of shit! This and only this will be the only thing I will bring up from that short lackluster shit promo you cut with all your limp dick friends. The same old dog doing the same ancient tricks! But I understand why Robbie that's all you have now! The same show just repackaged Robbie Bourbon style! Your greasy fingerprints are all over this! I'm flabbergasted you didn't rush to YouTube Robbie and just cut your promo there like you have lazily done a number of times in the past! Nothing like mommies basement huh? People like you make me nauseated! You are not the solution to what is going on in the streets or anyplace else! You are part of the problem you simpleton! Nothing like a nincompoop running around saying the first thing that pops into their head! Pay attention you might learn a thing or two, you bigot! My question to you is what is not racist nowadays? Huh? Very little, when you look at the world through liars eyes everything seems to be! Is immigration racism Robbie? Wanting to keep people out that could cause us harm? In your eyes, I'm sure it is! That is, I don't know until you are in a train station that gets blown up by one of these nut jobs. Then all of a sudden the Champion of the people will be out in the streets protesting, demanding answers for what has happened to him! It's okay to point the finger, but little do we notice the four pointing back at us, and when I say us I mean you Robbie! Quick to spread on the criticism and accusations, and last to do anything about it! I honestly cannot swallow the fact you called me racist. Why, because what I said about your under-educated, fumbling, nitwit dork of a friend in that disastrous YouTube promo! Hell, Porky The Pig would have been a better help than that dishonest mutton-head! Would you like me to apologize? Would you like the Omega to tell your dear friend I'm sorry?

Robbie's Stuttering Friend

Robert cackles for a moment



Not going to happen! If you want to pluck people off the short bus and have them in your promos then they are free game no matter the color of their skin! What next Robbie? Math racist also? Maybe the song "WHITE CHRISTMAS" is racist now too? We all know how he's talking about snow right? Or are people like you so fucking half-witted you don't understand? Maybe I am white privileged in your eyes some way? Seeing how I have bills just like the rest of the world! I bleed the same color as every other human being! I put my pants on one leg at a time and work my ass off for everything that I have! I say what I want and will continue to do so! That's why we have a thing called the freedom of speech, ya know protected under the first amendment! Or did you forget all about that seeing how you are this advocate of America! You are just another asinine meaningless shit stain! Hypocrite! A forgery at it's finest! Look, guys, the pot is calling the kettle black! Wait that's racist! Shut the fuck up! Hell, you are coming up with more fake news than CNN! All you are trying to do to me here is race bait me and I am not going to bit! I'm not sure what sorta politicing you are doing but it won't work on me, pal! The only racist in the XWF Robbie Bourbon! It is, after all, you calling people Nazi's and racist with no proof or merit! Now I'm sorry if I offended you, snowflake! No, I'm not sorry!

Stupidity At It's Finest

The atmosphere is frozen, delicate and frigid, like winter waves on sand. The sky is doused with grey, light illuminating thin patches of ice like brilliant diamonds. Robert scrutinizes each step watching his boots over the frozen landscape, transfixed to the relationship between the clouds and snow from above. For some reason, Robert's mind though cannot stop turning over.






Robbie you decided you wanted to order off the menu! Now Apex will be serving you up a shit sandwich on a silver platter!






Jim speaks up



Eaaaaaasy fatbody, that shit sandwich is figurative despite translating to an asskicking. Wipe your chins and calm down.





The wind whispered as the snow fell like confetti on three brothers toboggans. Each of their eyes gazed at the untouched snow in front of each man. The swirling white. The ground was as creamy as a cake and the snow continued falling.




Hey uh... Big shot Bob where in the hell are the Christmas trees? It's uh... snowing like hell and uh I'm not exactly dressed for this kind of weather.




Will you stop whining? Man up!




Uh... Jimbo I have an ax! I've been to prison! I'm not afraid to go back!




Hey skeeter peter! I've got an ax too!




Hey Drew, there's a deer!







BRB! Jimmy watch and learn. This is how real men do real men things.




He actually thinks he is going to kill a deer with an ax? I hope the fuckin thing kicks him in the face!



Drew tiptoes through the heavy snow, each step leaves a fresh, crisp footprint. It is as Drew was the only person to ever have walked in the direction before, yet the tracks of the wandering deer confirm otherwise. Drew watches as the deer gigs its charcoal nose into the snow looking for something to graze on, all of a sudden the deer stops. Its ears stick up into the air like radar monitoring for any movement. Drew waits until the deer continue's what it was doing. Robert and Jim watch dumbfounded the deer hasn't moved! Jim and Robert watch, as their breaths go silent. Drew gets closer raising his ax into the air




Really how in the hell? Oh shit!




OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!




That deer just kicked the shit out of Drew he's laying on the ground! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha,!!!!




Drew lies in the snow motionless for a few moments watching the deer run off



I'm okay! Believe it or not that has happened to me before!



Do we look surprised? You got my cash?




Do you know how a clock works Jimbo?... The day ain't over yet hoss.




Okay.... Okay.... I just can't wait to see another deer kick the shit out of you!




Not gonna happen. The first one was a freebie.
I wanted the deer to establish dominance. I wanted it to think it was safe. But it's not safe. Not in the slightest.



That was hilarious! Who in the hell tries to kill a deer with an axe because they want deer jerky? Not to mention getting kicked I don't know? five feet into the air! HA!




Real funny guys. Ya'll are a laugh riot lemme tell ya. I'll get my jerky and money before this day is through and you two jerks won't get any of it. Look at those trees big shot Bob!




Damn bro will these fit in your cabin?




Been doing this for years! The family will be up tonight! We've got to have a tree to decorate!




Nice, the family!? Can't wait to meet them for the first time! Also...thank you brother, it's very cool of you to do this. I don't really have a family per se.





Hey, Robert, I hate to do this to ya but uh.... Is your sister coming? I'd just like to say hi! Get a bottle of wine ya know!




Yes, Drew! She will be up here and with her boyfriend!




Let me ask ya something Bob, what would happen if say your sisters boyfriend went out into the woods to fetch some fire wood and I don't know...never came back?





Jim glances back and forth between Robert and Drew unsure of what is unfolding in front of him! Both men watch Robert walk up to a beautiful 12-foot pine. Robert places his hand on the tree for a moment before speaking up!




I'm not even going to entertain the thought.



I'm picking up what you're putting down Rob. Say no more. I'll take care of it.



No! That's not...Just no!


It's cool. I got you. Wink wink. Plausible deniability and all. I totally get it.



Drew I swear to God!




How about this weather?




Can we just stop this conversation?




Drew shrugs




This one it boys! Now before we cut this beauty down we need to address the Mother Fuckers one by one I'll start off!




Jim interrupts



Take a break Rob! Let me shoot at these pricks! I think it's hilarious that PFC Fuck Consistency can't see the link between his severe psychological weed addiction and his lack of ambition and drop in quality both in and outta the ring. That and the fact he thinks he and his cohorts' obvious fear tactics of spray and pray with low caliber weaponry and ammo is gonna intimidate us. Pathetic fuckups. Whatcha got planned next dipshits, four more well thought out vignettes that don't gel, provide no accuracy nor truth, involving the always popular combination of children and fucking?



The three laugh.



On the flipside, it's sad to see Big Wide Pussy thinkin' he's doing a good job of hyping the match for his team with those cringe-worthy, sloppily filmed and scripted awkward sex scenes between closeted Corporal Don't Ask Don't Tell and his paid hooker contrived simply for the purposes of shock value and "edge". I'm not surprised, however, he IS sharing a stable, also a bed, a shower, his food via "here comes the choo choo" fed spoonfulls and a double ended dildo, with The Engineer, the poser piece o' shit whose first response to being called out on mistakes and fakery in his efforts to be cool and edgy was to flip like the completely sackless douchebag pansy ass geek he is and parody the man who nailed him to the wall and also factually GAVE HIM that moniker he uses, "The Lyin Motherfucker", which essentially means he recognizes that Jim Caedus

O
W
N
S

H
I
M

and will quite literally, the next time the two of us square off one on one. Punkass bitch. Drew may be right in advising you to step away from a man only out for himself who would 100% cash in on YOU for the Universal and the other guy _also_ only out for himself who just likes wandering off for weeks and weeks on end to chase squirrels and butterflies and whatever the fuck else it is a gay half ex Marine does in his spare time not taking ex Navy Seal dick up the jarhole...and should you, Apex will indeed treat you as an associate...but I owe you a beat down for your inexplicable squash and your unwarranted, unprovoked disrespect to my personal life outside of the ring you cocksucker, much like your fat fuck flagship Blobby Bourbon. And Engy...I don't give a fuck what musical you put on like the Broadway buttpirate you are, you won't be avoiding Katabasis when I come at you full throttle. You're LUCKY you have Flake & The Fatman to provide cover fire as a current opponent of mine.



Robert nods lighting a cigar






Very nice Jimmy! Robbie Bourbon, this all commenced a long time ago! I said when I faced you the last time that I would annihilate the Mother Fuckers one by one! Now that moment in time is here! But, I don't have to do it single-handedly! I have my brothers here with me! In one night Apex will destroy the Mother Fuckers! After we are through there will be nothing left of the three of you but scorched Earth! We are going to expose you three for what you all are, fabricators! Robbie, you are nothing more than an adolescent, obnoxious, jerk, who packs up his tights and heads for the house, the very second you don't get your way! At War Games Robbie you won't be getting your way! It's our way or no way! So keep telling yourselves you are going to bring it! Tell yourselves you are going to win! In the end, the defeat will just be that much sweeter for us. Ya know, the good guys! I'll stop at this! Robbie Bourbon you are indeed a household word, but so is garbage, it too stinks when it gets old!!



Robert takes the first swipe at the tree chipping away at its base. The peaceful charming fragrance of pine fills the air. Jim takes over swinging at the tree as Robert looks for Drew. Robert notices the footprints leading off in the distance but there is no sign of him.



Robbie maybe you bombarded so hard because you just never had any good fortune with the ladies. If you went to a freak show! They would let you in for free. Come one, come all! See the red-haired creature with both male genitalia yet working female mammary glands, including all the estrogen one female body can produce! That's not all folks! For a dollar more we will allow you to milk him! Just grab a tit and pinch! Children are warned though! Keep a safe distance as Robbie has been known to eat a child from time to time that got too close! When women see you, Robbie, they have mourning sickness whether they are pregnant or not! I bet if and when you ever get into a room with a woman willing to have sex with you, it's a shit show! You two would get undressed, but the sex part would never happen! She'd be too busy hysterically mocking you as you cried! Everybody though is looking for that deep long-lasting love, Robbie, on the other hand, is just looking for a shallow half an hour! I'll be honest here we all know the bourbon family gene pool is more shallow than his love life! Nothing better than sewer scum creating life! Just take a peek at his family tree. Hell, there are a few branches few and far between. Other than that two dogs are pissing on it at the bottom! This is far from over Robbie! Holy shit Jim Drew is dragging a deer behind him!



The Scene Ends With Jim Taking The Tree Down

Former:

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Longest Reigning Tag Team Champions in modern history. W- Drew Archyle & James Raven
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2nd longest reigning Universal Champion :269 days
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