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Shame Part 1
12-04-2017, 10:51 PM
Post: #1
Sometimes, I wonder if my life would have been different if I listened to all the bullies. If I gave into the mean girls and cracked under their pressure. If I wasn't as perfect as I knew in my mind I could be. I always wondered what it would be like if I had let them win. Body shaming, slut shaming, shaming in general, it has been a problem or a while. It has been an issue that is timeless but is only now coming into light as "wrong". I always looked at it as part of life. I am guilty of it, too. When I started to develop and explore different makeup and hair ideas, I began to look at the girls who hadn't yet the same way I was looked it. I joined in because if you can't beat them, join them, right? It is easier at 16 to blend in than it is to be an outcast. I would know all too well.

Even though I began to look like them, I was different than them. I was never fully part of the "in" crowd. I was always a unique in my own way. Maybe it was because I refused to conform completely. I would blend in, but would never quite fit in the puzzle fully. I was a square peg in a round hole. Even though these new girls, with their new bodies, called me their friend, I never truly felt like a friend. I could feel their silent eyes judging, I could hear their whispers. I felt their disdain for me. What was worse, for me, was that they smiled to my face and spoke in a giddy voice with an upward inflection, but never truly felt the way they acted. I picked up on that relatively quickly. I was blonde, but I wasn't dumb. You see, I knew these girls hated my guts but I was pretty and the rule is that pretty girls stick together. When I refused to partake in some of the ruthless activities they did, they knew I was different but they couldn't call me on it. They could, but they wouldn't. I hated that, too. I just wanted honesty. I never had a problem with people hating me. I just wanted friends, and I didn't need fake friends. Sometimes we would go shopping and jam out in the car, but sometimes they wouldn't return my calls. The fact that I didn't know is what tore me apart. To this day, I have carried that with me.

You see, no girl is going to be 100 percent self confident. She may say she is, but she's a lying cunt. They may be confident in their abilities to do a task, as I am in the ring and as champion, but when they look in the mirror they see something different than anyone else. They see a monster, a manatee, an ogre. They could be the most beautiful girl in the world, and they are never satisfied. Why do you think I got all those modifications? I hated what I saw everyday and the WORST part of it all was that I was surrounded by yes-men with vaginas. Yes-women. Girls, and guys, who would gas me up and tell me what I wanted to hear just to get in my pants or get me to buy them Del Taco. I needed someone to be honest with me. That is why I am brutally honest with people now. So many people don't like me because of my honesty, but I have always preferred that over lying. That is why girls now, they contour, they use filters, they always try to enhance their image. There is no natural beauty anymore. In a world where "we need to accept everyone for who they are", we can't even accept ourselves. We always have to out-do someone else to be the prettiest, the thinnest, the most popular. It is sickening. I am sick to my stomach with them, and what I did to Engy last week? It makes me sick. I was upset while doing it......I made him thing I actually liked him and not that he turns my stomach worse than stale cheese. I did that for my own personal reasons, though I am not proud of it. But the entire time I remember that day in the back yard in North Henderson. The girl standing there, in just a bra and a pair of panties, wrapped completely in celaphane. There were a bunch of popular girls around her. I recognized the girl. She was pretty, but not part of the crowd. She did, however, want to be. I remember walking up to the group. The girl was standing on a picnic bench, and all of the mean girls had sharpies. As soon as I walked up they flashed me with those big empty smiles and evil eyes of theirs. They handed me one and said they are glad I made it, and that I was almost late to the celebration.

Celebration?

Knowing them, this ought to be good. The first girl stepped up and popped the cap off the marker. She had a wicked grin on her face....she truly believed that what she was doing was right. She walked up like it was nothing to that girl and told her that they all had to do this (which was a lie) and that it is part of being in touch with the cool kids. She then began to circle an imperfection on the girls body. It was something as simple as a mole. Then she stepped back and the next girl took her turn. This time, it was a small bit of stretched skin that was a love handle. Each girl took there turn as the wrapped up girl could do nothing but stand there and cry. I could see the pain in her eyes. The things that she tortured herself about everyday were now being seen by everyone. Surely this would ruin this poor girls life, break her spirit. This would be the final tipping point in a tragic life of someone less than perfect who is being expected to be......

.........then it was my turn. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it.

But when I look back now.......I did it.

I circled the bumps on her areola's, I joined in with the other hot mean girls in calling her lumpy tits.

Why?

Because I hated myself.

So when I look at guys like Finn Kuhn, who show off their six pack abs and flawless hair......I know for a fact they hate themselves too.

I can't write more of this right now. I am holding back tears. I just wanted Finn to see the light........

I need to make him see the light.


Jenny closed the diary, putting the pen into the spiral part. She looked into the camera that she had set up on her desk.

"Finn, you poor tortured soul. There is obviousy someone out there who likes fucking around with you, getting into your head. Someone is on a mission to cost you matches. You have been pulling your hair out trying to figure out who it is, but your quest has come up dry. Now, your quest has led you to me. I am the final piece in the Finn Kuhn sucks puzzle, and I will make it my mission to make sure that you never rebound from this. You seem to be blaming me for your hardships. You asked me to "settle this" with you on Warfare. You want to knuckle up, but your priorities are wrong. Your mind isn't right. You want to take out all of this aggression on me, but you fail to look at yourself. What have you truly done here? What have you accomplished? You are a pandora's box of broken promises and disappointment. You thought you could hang with the big boys so you opened your mouth. You are an ankle biter barking at Mastiff's. You wouldn't know what to do with one of us if you caught us. You like to be included because of your lineage, but sometimes you need to take a step back and survey your surroundings. In the big matches, you come up shorter than over used pencils. You are hovering around the mid card because that is all you are capable of.

Cadryn Tiberius, the King's chew toy and arguably the weakest champion on the roster at the time, took you to school. You have a habit of shooting for goals way above your head. I have to admire your spirit however. I have to admire your passion. I love to see someone who keeps getting up after getting beaten down so much. It is admirable.

But.........

This one just isn't in the cards for you. Take it from me, someone who has been beaten down time and time again---you don't have the ability. I have been a victim of bad luck. You have been a victim of sucking. You are a disappointment to your entire family. You are a disappointment to this company. The fact that you haven't been moved to the Drezdin division shows in-competencies within management.

Jack Cain

Neville

You name it, they've beaten you. You even cost your team a tag match, because you aren't focused. Well you're going to be forced to focus because the most dominant female in all of professional wrestling will be standing across the ring from you.........."



There was a knock on her door....this must be her coffee..........she better have it right.........


TO BE CONTINUED
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The following 2 users Like Jenny Myst's post:
Neville Sinclair (12-04-2017), Peter Fn Gilmour (12-06-2017)
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