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Chris Chaos · (11-23-2017)

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ...

The room was cold and damp, a certain moistness in the air. Like you could smell/taste the moss that was growing on the walls, even though you could not see it. Your eyes had adjusted to the dark, and you could see pretty well, honestly, at least within 10 feet or so.

You could see pain on your wrists, as if something was clamped down tight and had zero leeway. You couldn't help but wonder if this is how bears feel when they step in a bear trap. Your lungs had a certain softness to them, as if they were feathers flapping each time you would inhale, then exhale, then inhale again. You wondered if there was mold here, too. Your sense of perception is off, you had no idea how big this room was. You didn't know how long you had been there. All you know was that this is reality now.

There was a small slit of light somewhere in the distance, the only reason you knew it was a room you were actually INSIDE, and that there was, indeed, and outside. Every muscle hurt, however, as if you hadn't stretched in months and tried to run a marathon. Your mouth was as dry as cotton.

Footsteps sounded like thunder rumbles as they barreled towards you, but you couldn't tell from what distance. Hell, they could be charging directly at you and you wouldn't even know. They could have bad intentions, but you wouldn't even know. You couldn't be afraid, because how could you fear anything when you don't know anything outside of darkness? The footsteps got louder. Your felt hot, despite the moist chill in the air. There were what looked like bars on the windows, but again, in the dark that is hard to tell. There are small itches running over you. You swear they feel like bugs. You hate bugs, but what could you do? You couldn't see them to brush them off and even if you did, they would just come back.

It is funny, when you have been some time in the complete darkness, you just don't seem to care anymore. About anything.

The floor felt like it was some sort of wood. It was smooth under your fingers, but you hesitated however as you didn't want to get a splinter.

Hah, a splinter. You were chained to an object you couldn't see in a room you didn't know, in the dark, and you worried about a splinter.

The human mind is a funny thing.

Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people. ...

You felt, in a weird way, free from the chains that once kept you. You felt like, here, in this room, you were away from the nagging uncertainty of whether or not you were "good enough." In this room there was no good enough, there was only one simple existence. You were all that mattered. In a way, being in this room was a blessing. There were no judgments here. Nobody around to point fingers and laugh, saying you aren't what you used to be. Saying you have fallen off. Those same people miss you now. People need consistency. They need structure. Even bullies can't be bullies if there is nobody to bully. In this room, you are your own bully. You can control it. All of the hatred you have for yourself is the only hatred you feel. Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win. You are the only one in control of how evil you can be.

The footsteps had stopped. There was a loud latching sound, as of an old, middle ages type of door, was being wrenched open. There was a screech and the sound of something heavy moving. Light exploded in like a thousand fires. It almost burned. This must be what the gates of that thing that confused people call "heaven".

"Darkness approaches from outside. I feel no light inside me strong enough to resist it."

A voice cuts through the landscape.

"Eja. Cohu. Është koha për të shkuar." (Come on. Get up. It is time to go.)

You didn't recognize this voice, or this language, but something compelled you to get up. Your legs felt like there were hundreds of knives stabbing into them all at once. You faintly hear yourself groan. It was weird to you how all other noises, even the faintest of sounds, sounded like the loudest noises you have ever heard but your own noise could only barely be heard.

What the hell was this place?

"Tani. eja" (Now. Come)

You took a step forward. Your feet were asleep, pins and needles. The chain kept you in place. There was a whirling noise, and then what sounded like another metal object grinding against another. The chains fell off. You moved your arm, slowly at first, but you gained the ability to move pretty normally pretty quickly.

You walked towards the light. Your mind was whirling like a tornado inside your own head. What lay ahead? This was a new life to you. Like being born all over again. You walked slowly towards the light, but it felt like you were running. The slightest movement felt like the fastest movement you've ever done.

When you stepped into the well lit--almost too well lit--room, you noticed right away that it was some sort of basement. If this was the basement, then where the hell have you been?

"Where......where am I? Who are you people?"

"Ulu poshtë. Hani." (Sit down. Eat)

You dragged your carcass over to a table where a bowl sat. There was some sort of slop inside. You knew you'd been being fed through a small hole in the darkness for however long, and the ability to eat on your own, in the light, seemed like the greatest achievement you'd accomplished in your life.

There was a spoon on the table that looked as though it hadn't been washed in some time. This was something you'd normally never use, but right now seemed like the most beautiful thing you'd ever laid eyes on. You grabbed it with zest, shoveling it into the bowl of whatever puddle of slop lay in front of you, and brought it to your mouth.

We take things for granted sometimes. Things that we overlook, treat as small and insignificant, could be the best things in the lives of others. Sometimes you need to be broken down in order to be picked back up. You need to have nothing in order to appreciate something. Sometimes having nothing is the only way to understand what having something truly means.

Your life, would it ever be normal again? Would those in your life prior even remember you? Would they treat you the same? Or maybe YOU were actually nothing, and having nothing for so long meant that they could finally appreciate having something.

The world was a strange place.

You could barely breath as you stuffed your orifice with whatever the hell was in this bowl. You listened to the foreign men banter with each other. They didn't pay you any mind. You were nothing to them.

"Kjo pjesë e nxehtë e gomarit, ajo erdhi gjatë natës tjetër ... më lejoni t'ju them, kurrë nuk kam qenë kurrë kaq i prerë më parë." (This hot piece of ass, she came over the other night.....let me tell you, I've never been so chaffed before.)

You didn't know what they were saying, and you didn't care. They had let you out. They had freed you. But you couldn't allow yourself to blame them, or thank them. You survived. You stayed alive through unimaginable darkness for longer than even you thought possible. Maybe your resilience was paying off.......

"Çfarë po e merr Ahmed aq gjatë në banjo? Duhet të pijshhem si një kalë i guximshëm." (What is taking Ahmed so long in the bathroom? I've got to piss like a damn race horse. )

Just then it hit you. Flashbacks like a highlight reel. The pain. The unimaginable pain. In your joints, your stomach, your neck, your jaw. You could hear the power drill. You could taste the blood. The whip, the funnel that filled with water, the brass knuckles cutting into your flesh. These voices. These men tortured you. They damn near killed you. They didn't care about you. You were just another body to them, used to get what they wanted---whatever the hell that was. You were proud once, but that was slowly waning. You used to stand tall and beat your chest and claim to be the best around---now you barely felt human. They had broken you down. They had pushed you past the level of sanity you thought could never be reached. These men, their tools, their evil grins as you screamed and begged.....but never gave them fully what they wanted.....

Never fully broke.

Never fully gave in.

You finished the edible (somewhat) vat of slop in front of you and wished to the sky above that there was more. The men seemed to notice as soon as the spoon hit the bottom of the bowl. One of them stood up. They had camo oufits on, all of their faces covered in clown masks and sky caps. You had just noticed this.

They stood you up, rather roughly. They walked you over to a another part of the room. They sat you in a chair and faced you towards the wall where a single speaker sat.

There was a crackle, and a woman's voice came over the loudspeaker with the crisp hiss of a vinyl record. Her accent seemed geuine, but he could have sworn he heard it he voice before. Somewhere.

"Tani ju e dini se çfarë ndjehet si të mos jetë asgjë. Ti e di se si ndihet i humbur dhe i harruar. Tani e dini dhimbjen e atyre nën ju, të cilët ju keni ecur për aq gjatë. Trajtuar si asgjë. Inferiorë. JU jeni inferiore. Ju u verbove nga drita që ju nuk pranuat të pranoni errësirën." (Now you know what it feels like to be nothing. You know how it feels to be lost and forgotten. Now you know the pain of those below you who you have walked on for so long. Treated like nothing. Inferiors. YOU are the inferior. You were so blinded by the light that you refused to accept the darkness.)

Just then a door on the side of the room opened, and a cool breeze flooded the stuffy room. The men nodded towards the door. They were just going to let you go?

You made a break for it. You ran as fast as your locked up leg muscles could take you. Just as you reached for the door, it slammed shut. Your world stopped. You dropped to your knees. The woman over the speaker laughed.

"Djalë budalla. Ju nuk keni mësuar ende me të vërtetë. Ju ende jeni në garë drejt lirisë, por nuk e keni pranuar ende errësirën." (Stupid boy. You haven't truly learned yet. You still race towards freedom, but have not yet accepted the darkness.)

You felt a single tear roll down your face as the men grabbed your arms again.

"Freedom" one said in broken English. "It come soon, but you no ready. Sit. Eat."

More food? Yes.

He gave you a cigar and lit it for you. A bowl was shoved towards you. The same moldy spoon was already inside it.

Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light.

The woman's voice spoke up again.

"I zgjova një errësirë në të cilën duhet ta ndjek veten pafundësisht, duke urryer unë që po e ndjek me kaq forcë dhe më ballafaqohet. Nëse mund të ngrihemi nga mjerimi ynë, kërkojmë njëri-tjetrin edhe një herë, dhe të gjejmë përsëri ngushëllimin e buzëve dhe syve të njëri-tjetrit." (I wake to a Darkness in which I must follow myself endlessly, hating the I who so eternally pursues and confronts me. If we could rise from our misery, seek each other once more, and find again the solace of each other's lips and eyes.)

You felt, right then, as though you would never escape. You didn't understand this language, obviously, but there was a warmness in the voice.

So warm, it gave you the chills.

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

As you lay back in the darkness again, your thoughts drifted. You were back in that room. You thought you would never get out. Never see the world for what it was once before. Everything was different now. It could never possibly be the same again.

YOU could never possibly be the same again.

The door opened again and the light rushed back in. Your night of torture was over. Your new life began again.

Your own personal darkness the only thing to keep you company.

You weren't you anymore.

And in a way, you were happy.

"Did you all miss me? I bet you did. This company has gone to shit without me here, just like I knew it would. Engy is dominating everything, the Universal Champion is fighting nobodies between his daily 22 snack breaks, Jim Caedus is irrelevant, Scully sucks as usual.......it is crumbling from the inside like a neutron star. But to me, this is all new. The world I am stepping into isn't the world I left. The XWF is Narnia. There are some big names on this card this year, sure, but which one of them carries the clout that Chris Chaos does? For the rest, this is their first major fight. I feel like this is my first fight all over again. I feel like I have been reborn, but the XWF world really hasn't changed much. I am no longer the favorite in this match. The Danny Imperial that I put on the shelf for four months, he isn't that Danny Imperial anymore? The rest of the roster shifted while I was gone? There are new superstars at the top. I am dead set on disproving this. I am coming to Shove It, an event I finished in the top three of last year, and I am going to dominate. I am going to win. I need it more than I have ever needed anything before. I have fallen harder than I thought possible. Gabe Reno won the last one of these hosted by the Doctor. I didn't get the job done. In a way, I feel like I am responsible for the Gabe Reno virus. He came out of nowhere, and he toppled the established order. I am Gabe Reno, now, in a sense. I am coming out of nowhere. I am shaking up the order that we have become accustomed to. Imperial. Caedus. Scully. War Pig. Bourbon. Big names lace this card with more shine than a Garth Brooks vest, but they are just like that vest.....rhinestones acting as diamonds. I have found myself in the light through perpetual darkness, and I am coming to prove a point. Chris Chaos is not just another name cast aside like a Christmas card from a family member you barely speak to anymore. Chris Chaos is one of the best to ever do this, and I will be damned if I let a single one of you forget. I will be damned if I am the underdog for long. You see, this world is different to me than it was before I left. Now it is time for me to come back and recapture it. It is a new start, a new beginning, a new legacy. All of my former accolades, they matter none. The titles, the attributes. Universal Titles, Trio Titles, Top 50 recognition. None of it. I am no different than these men fighting their first fight. I have the hunger, I have the butterflies. I have the sense of possible failure running through me, the stench of mediocrity holding me under the water and not letting me up. For once, I need to break through it. For once, I need to be what I say I am.

A monster.

A devil.

THE devil.

Because he spoke to me while I was in that cage. He was the only one who was there. He showed me the way, showed me what life really looks like. He showed me how to win this match. He showed me more than anyone ever has. You look down on people like Finn Kuhn because Finn can't seem to get out of his own way. You cast him out like a leper. Chris Chaos has been cast out like a leper. Quarantined like an ebola patient. Now it is high time I break out of these chains. My freedom isn't far away....I can almost taste it.

I am back. I am going to burn this company to the ground. Why? For what? What goal do I possibly have in mind......

XWF was my life, my world, my sanity. Now, I am going to leave it in ashes. Why?

Some People, Just Want To Watch The World Burn.

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