"Look, Erik, I held off on addressing you for a bit, because you're sincerely not worth it. If you were worth it, it'd probably be a different story, we'd probably see some verbal back and forth, and maybe entertain people who watch these videos; but you're not, so we won't. It's actually a shame, because you've somehow convinced yourself that I'm a joke, and shouldn't taken seriously, and that somehow is reflected in my lack of putting up any promo work against you. Somehow you've got in that stupid face of yours that in order to do well I have to peep up about it? Really? Do you think Ric Flair ever won his titles because he outtalked his opponent? Jesus Christ, you are denser than I thought when I asked for this match. Shocking, I know, considering you were on Drezdin levels of bad. For reference, Drezdin thought he beat me at Leap of Faith because of promo work as well. Which is an odd thing, you two seem to be suffering from the same level of as Scully, except yours isn't turned on and off as needed. You're just really that fucking stupid.

Cute how you wanna drum up some sort of morale and edge by hiring someone to pretend to be a huge flop and giving them a similar name to me. Except, my name isn't actual Grande Ricardo, it's actually pronounced Grand Dee Ree Chart o. So, not anything to do with size, this makes your comparison even worse. What would make you think my name has anything to do with size, and that your colossal schtick is apt? Because you're simple? Yes, I know you are. That's why you're trying to go with the whole tough guy killer but also a suave business man routine. Because you think that's something new and excited that we need to see. Yes, let's see more people talking about being killing someone, and running a successful business, because every cheap movie and tv show produced since the 60's has shown us that's the pinnacle of success. Great Googly Moogly, you're a cardboard cutout of a carbon copy of a dollar tree knock off of a Walmart brand toy. Jesus, could you at least be slightly entertaining in your shit, like a Jason Statham film? Yeah, we'll have seen it over and over again, but somehow the sweet british accent hides the fact that all his movies are just rehashing Chuck Norris films.

Also, thanks for going for the low hanging fruit with the assless chaps gag? Did we really need you to steal something from Matthew Mcconaughey? The man is already hitting a low enough spot, way to kick him while he's down. You're dragging his reputation down, because now whenever anyone sees Magic Mike, they'll immediately remember how YOU stole, yes YOU STOLE, his costume, and tried to make it more intriguing. Ah, who am I kidding? No one watched your shitty ass videos, and no one will ever think of you after next month. I'm giving you exactly that long before you stop floundering around and head out from here. You might come back for a few scattered matches, hoping that the nostalgia effect will make people forget how useless you were. Eventually you'll end up opening a wrestling school to teach people to be enhancement talent just like you! Or, that's actually Heath Slater, and I'm pushing his plans on you, but that's only because I need to imagine someone worth a shit facing me down in order to be bothered caring about this match. You pick, loser."

I'm done recording for him, he can fester and ooze like a scab elsewhere. I HATE SCABS, they taste terrible. And speaking of taste, I'm hanging out in the back of the arena, I know it's early, but I've been scouting the place to make sure it's safe. Mike is sleepy, so I left him in a box by the dumpster we've been sleeping in. It's a nice dumpster, in a good part of town, but I had to be sure he'd be safe, so I put the opening on the bottom, and covered it with a crate, and put a brick on top of it, and on the brick I put a rock, and on top of the rock, I put a pebble. Ha! Protected my baby, I did. No one will be taking him from me. Meanwhile, I'm hanging out in the back of the arena, and screaming at the top of my lungs looking for someone.

"SOMEONE PUT SOMETHING IN MY ANUS! I NEED TO GAPE MY MAGNIFICENT ANAL CANAL"

A random Hispanic guy with a headset on walks by, and looks at me as I pop on a table, and hold my legs in the air. My naked legs and anus are chilling in the nice cool air conditioned air.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"I need help preparing for my match on Savage. It's gonna be exciting."

He looks me dead in the eyes, and shakes his head. He's relatively tall, standing about 6 foot 3 inches, with his dark hair cropped short, and parted to the left. He's in a black XWF polo shirt, and khaki pants.

"Does it involve you putting on pants at any time?"

I think for a minute before answering. While I pause, I allow my mind to wander onto the subject of unicorns vs pizza. I think if I had the chance to bring one back from extinction, I'd probably choose Ramen noodles.

"No, it involves you putting things into my sweet anus. I've kept it unwashed and caked in the delicious brown love just for you."

He starts gagging and retching, and collapses onto his hands and knees dry heaving on the floor.

"Fine, I'll find someone else. You don't need to be so rude to me."

I roll off of the table, and pull my pants up. Dejected, but not flapped, I continue my quest to find someone to stick things into my brown paradise. The corridors hold someone who will provide me the relief I desire. Someone, has to be ready to help me. I pass the women's locker room, and decide it's a bad idea to go in there ask for help, I don't need the Harvey Weinstein heat, that's a career killer. I come across a guy who's looking rather flustered and confused. I shall help him!

"Hello, my fellow XWF employee. I see you're new here, and your frustrations can be smelled in the air like pickled onions. You're pickles, my friend!"

Pickles brushes his hair out of his eyes with his hand and looks at me.

"Huh?"

Pickles is so cute in his confusion.

"Pickles my friend, I am here to help. What do you need?"

He sighs and looks down at his clipboard. I can feel the tension in his chest building. It feels like a sack of worms being slammed into my balls, at least that's what I imagine it feels like. He makes my pants, tight, none the less.

"I'm trying to find some cold cuts for the catering table tomorrow."

"Well, I've got something cold and cut for you."

I give him a wink, but it's of course hidden by my mask. He seems to get my meaning, and blushes. There's some stammering and stuttering, which is really adorable. He's a chubby little guy, brown hair falls in gentle curls around his face, which is coated with the lightest of stubble. Oh, yes.

"I have to get food, or they'll fire me."

Aww, no they won't. I won't let them.

"The show isn't until tomorrow, we've got a locker room right there, and some time to kill. Come on, Pickles. Let's have some fun."

He giggles, and we pop into the locker room for a little bit of fun. Pickles is incredibly gifted in the sex department, a good solid pace, and a nice enough lover to make sure I ate pineapples during the sexing to keep my electrolytes.
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After we finish our intense session, I pull my pants up, and keep his seed deep in my loins, and watch as he nervously fiddles with his belt.

"Actually, Pickles, I do need help with something before I go get you some meat."

He finishes fixing his belt, and makes sure his black XWF polo is tucked neatly into his khakis. He sits down, and begins to put his shoe on as he speaks to me.

"Yeah, sure."

"I need you to put a bunch of stuff into my ass."

He laughs. It's a lovely laugh.

"I think I already did."

He's not wrong, and we chuckle at it as he ties his shoes.

"Not that, I need help preparing for my match tomorrow night. Erik kept threatening to push people's poop in, and I'd prefer to keep my poop exactly how it is, so I need help putting a bunch of stuff up there to protect me from that sick fuck."

He looks at me, and thinks for a second.

"Yeah, ok. I've got some toys back at my hotel. We'll get the meat tomorrow, and we can keep doing this while we get you ready."

Success!

"Ok, but I have to get my Dragon first."