Tig O' Bitties: The following match is our main event for the evening, scheduled for one fall with a FIFTEEN MINUTE time limit...and is for the X! W! F! TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP!!.
Huey D. Louie: Last week we saw the fall of Neville Sinclair, the longest reigning XWF TV Champ in quite some time and tonight, the newly crowned champ and founder of The Motherfuckers, Bearded War Pig, has his first title defense against "The Übermensch" Chris Valerius.
Audrey Dinklage: And speaking of...
Tig O'Bitties: Introducing first, the challenger! From Seattle, Washington...weighing in at 208 pooounds...THEEEEE ÜBERMENSCH...CHRRRRRRIS VALEEEEERIUS!!
Valerius walks out with a reusable water bottle, pausing on the stage. He glares into the crowd then walks, occasionally drinking from the bottle and splashing it on his face like you would spray a pet for misbehaving. Reaching the ring, he finishes the water and throws the bottle into the crowd as he rolls in. He sits down in a corner facing the entrance and hard camera.
Audrey Dinklage: An intense man, Valerius. Trained in various forms of martial arts; he takes on opponents almost as an MMA fighter would. A quick striker. Think he'll make a transitional champ out of War Pig, Hue'?
Laughs.
Huey D. Louie: BDub's a Marine, Audrey, they undergo their own hand-to-hand combat training so I'm sure he can hold his own. Served him pretty well last week against the until then undefeated Neville Sinclair. Or weren't you paying attention young lady?
Audrey blushes at the compliment of "young lady".
Audrey Dinklage: Why thank you, Hue'.
Huey squints at her, craning his neck to peer at her from multiple angles.
Huey D. Louie: No, wait, my mistake. You're clearly much older than I am.
Audrey's blush intensifies to beet-red humiliation. Huey shrugs at her nonchalantly.
Huey D. Louie: It's the lighting. Why I mistook you for a young lady I me-
Audrey Dinklage: I GET it Mr. Louie, thank you. We've logged how many weeks in now together?
Huey continues to examine her, apparently slightly disgusted.
Huey D. Louie: Meh. I don't ever look at you.
Valerius's music ends.
The arena is moderately quiet when suddenly birds chirping the Star Spangled Banner begin to pierce the ears of everyone in attendance from the rafters above. This goes on for about fifteen to twenty seconds, then a brief moment of silence...
BEEP!
BEEP!
BEEP!
A crashing commotion startles some of the fans before the instrumentals to "B.M.F" by Upon a Burning Body erupts from the arena's surround sound system. Simultaneously Red, White, and Blue flames erupt down and then back up the rampway.
Tig O'Bitties: From Lake Station, Michigan...weighing in at 225 pooounds...he is the founder of The Motherfuckers and the X! W! F! TELEVISION CHAMPIOOOON...
B!
W!
P!
The flames die down and "The Wild" Motherfucker, Bearded War Pig stands proud and invincible. His Boomstick resting on the right shoulder strap of his flack jacket that's covering his bare chest. Repetitively his weight shifts to the left and right his balls swing freely under his American Flag patterned silkies. Pig's thousand yard stare becomes a fierce warrior like grin as he points the barbwire buttstock end of his Boomstick toward the ring. Exploding like a well-stacked IED, BWP begins bouncing down the rampway with a shit-eating grin to the beat of his theme music. Sliding into the ring under the bottom ropes Pig quickly and powerfully charges to the nearest turnbuckle, hopping into the air both his ranger laced combat boots land firmly on the second turnbuckle. Pig's left foot rises to the top turnbuckle as he raises his Boomstick in the air with his right hand and his 'Boom' knucks with his left!
"Bearded! War! Pig!"
Begins to erupt from the majority of the people in attendance. Pig begins making harsh and violently disturbing remarks about his opponent, something similar to Stone Cold Steve Austin before climbing down off the turnbuckle. BWP then struts around the whole squared circle like a predator circling his prey. Stopping in his corner after making one complete lap Pig tosses his Boomstick outside the ring and begins stretching and cracking bones while waiting for the match to begin...
Huey D. Louie: Ask me again if I'm worried a little karate chop or two will topple the Bearded War Pig, Audrey.
Audrey Dinklage: Yeah, well, The Übermensch didn't seem all that impressed with Pig's entrance. He doesn't look to be intimidated in the slightest.
Huey D. Louie: We'll see how far that and a few crane kicks will get the Karate Kid.
DING DING DING
Immediately the two stride confidently to the center of the ring, standing face to face, Valerius a mere inch shorter and around 20 pounds lighter but every bit as unafraid as a smirking BWP. In fact...
Valerius shoves him. Hard. Pig backpedals a few steps.
Audrey Dinklage: Whoa-ho-hooo.
Snickers.
Huey D. Louie: Oh please.[red]
Pig adopts a look of "oooooooooo" and waggles both sets of fingers at Valerius in Wolfpack fashion. The fans ovate.
[red]Huey D. Louie: My thoughts exactly. Take it, Pig.
Valerius gazes around at the cheering fans, flips them off, then turns to Pig and flips him off as well.
Pig laughs and crotch chops.
The two suddenly hop-to and circle one another, arms up in combat stance.
Pig is the first to advance, cautiously, though dripping with confidence, and he makes a quick forward kick.
Valerius slaps it away.
Pig attempts a second.
Valerius slaps it away.
Pig pauses to waggle the fingers again, much to the joy of his fans. He then frowns a bit, gestures for Valerius to do something.
"Come on you fuckin' emo twerp, let's get it on!" He raises his fists and approaches-
-Valerius suddenly darts in with a swift left side kick to the thigh, followed up with a second from the right-
Pig catches the right kick!!
Valerius hops up, placing his left foot on Pig's chest to VAULT OFF, FLIPPING BACKWARDS ONTO HIS FEET!!
Huey D. Louie: Uh...
Pig stumbles back a step off the force but charges forward on the flip, catching Valerius with a HARD clothesline as he lands!!
Huey D. Louie: There we g-
Valerius instantly swings his legs in propeller fashion, catching Pig in the ankle and dropping him to his side, to pop back up to his feet!!
Huey D. Louie: Sunuva-
Chris lands a stiff kick to Pig's gut before he can react, a stomp to the head, another kick to the gut, a second stomp to the head! He spins and moonsaults from a standing position then rolls back after impact to rise smoothly to his feet again!
Pig takes a second or two but he rises to his feet, shaking his head a bit, clutching at his gut. He looks to Chris, to the fans, to Chris...and nods, impressed. He walks forward, extending his left hand for a show of respect...
Valerius smacks his hand away!!
And Pig HAYMAKERS with his right, expecting the show of disdain!! Mika warns the champ as Valerius is rocked back into the ropes, eyes squinting in pain. Pig charges in-
Clothesline over the top rope!! Valerius tumbles to the outside!!
As BDub plays to the fans, Mika starts her count.
1!
2!!
Valerius is already rising.
3!!!
He hops atop the apron.
4!!!!
Then steps between the ropes to reenter the ring.
Huey D. Louie: Whaddya think of your Karate Kid now Audrey?
Audrey Dinklage: He's not my karate kid, Mr. Louie, but if he hasn't shown you AND War Pig he has some serious chops in the ring by now, I'm sure he has more to unveil.
Huey D. Louie: Uh huh.
Valerius spits blood to the side and once more adopts his combat stance. Pig merely charges in-
-absorbing a pepper of blows and kicks as he fights through and grabs Valerius around the waist for a-
HUGE over the head belly to belly suplex!!
Valerius lands on his back on impact and is less quick to rise but rise he does-
-JUST as Pig zooms in-
-and SLAMS Valerius to the mat with a T-BONE SUPLEX!!
Pig is quick to pull his opponent up to his feet and whip him to the corner, charging in yet again-
-with a hefty corner splash!! Valerius stumbles forward, Pig latches on yet AGAIN in close proximity to the corner-
GERMAN SUPLEX!!! Valerius hit his head and neck on the turnbuckle padding on the way down!!
Audrey Dinklage: Oh my God, he hit his neck on the turnbuckle! Did you see that?
Pig, relentless, once more forces Valerius to his feet, wobbly now, and slips his left arm up beneath Valerius's to rest his palm on the back of his head from behind...
HALF-NELSON SUPLEX!!
As Valerius clutches at his head, BWP makes the cover and hooks the leg in the center of the ring!!
1!
2!!
3!!!
DING DING DING!!
Winner and STILL XWF Television Champion:
Bearded War Pig |
The fans are elated as Pig rises to raise his arms in victory. Mika meanwhile is speaking to Valerius, still lying on his back, clutching at his head again.
Audrey Dinklage: Yeah, something isn't right here, Chris is injured.
Huey D. Louie: I think you're right... Ha! And you thought BDub had someone to worry about in The Übermensch! The match didn't even last five minutes!
Audrey Dinklage: Mark my words, Huey, if Valerius hadn't hit his head he would've kicked out and he'd still be vying for that title. He's no one to dismiss, Chris Valerius is a dangerous man and he'll be back.
In the ring, Pig halts the celebration noticing Mika tending to Valerius. He walks over, kneeling.
Inaudibly the two combatants exchange words. Pig speaks to Mika who turns to the egress and the gorilla position beyond, urging someone to come down with her hand.
Moments later, EMS is rolling a stretcher down to the ring.
Huey D. Louie: Yep, Pig killed him.
Audrey Dinklage: That'll be quite enough of that, thank you!
Huey D. Louie: Oh for crying out- He'll be fine Audrey. Little visit to the XWF Wellness & Medical Center, they'll fix him right up. I'm sure it's nothing serious.
Pig aids EMS by holding the ropes apart for their entry after they leave the stretcher beside the apron. They attend to Valerius, asking him a few questions which he answers. Before long, one of the techs slides back out of the ring as BWP aids the other in carefully maneuvering Valerius to the side of the ring where the two techs slide him onto the stretcher.
The fans, no longer cheering but buzzing with chatter since it became apparent Chris sustained an injury, begin to liven up as Pig gestures towards his fallen opponent and begins to applaud. The fans follow suit.
Huey D. Louie: Look at the sportsmanship here. The brotherhood.
Audrey Dinklage: A lot more respectful than you've been. Take a hint, Hue'.
Huey D. Louie: Audrey, when your probationary period has ended, THEN you may speak to me in such a fashion. You're a lecture and a wrong word away from having to pay for those menopausal estrogen booster pills with...uh...well, some comically unpleasant alternate way, preferably in context with both anal and vaginal penetration, though I don't know WHO'D be desperate enough to John for you.
Audrey glares, stares daggers at Huey in silence for moments while EMS go about securing Valerius to the stretcher.
Audrey Dinklage: After my probationary period you say?
Huey D. Louie: IF then.
Quietly to herself.
Audrey Dinklage: Yeah we'll see about that.
Huey D. Louie: You say something?
Audrey Dinklage: Nope.
The fans and BWP continue to show support for the injured Valerius while EMS cart him up the entrance ramp.
BWP's music hits as EMS and Valerius disappear through the curtains. He takes a few moments to celebrate his first title defense, thrusting the strap to the heavens, before slinging it over his shoulder and stepping through the ropes to make his exit.