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JimCaedus · (11-04-2017)

--MARINA PACIFICA THEATER--

--LONG BEACH♡CA--

Oh my GOD, this nigga won't shut the FUCK up!

Ok, I apologize for that. In these times of social acceptance, the embrace of cultures not our own, one might find it prudent to avoid using the word "God", it's theologically insensitive. Seriously though, this nigga will NOT shut his mouth and allow us more refined folk to enjoy the mov-

"Nah ho, don't do that- Awwww, you STUPID-ASS BEEEEEEEITCH!! I TOLD you!!"

See!? Fuck did I say?

"Aye man, could you keep it the fuck down?? Tryin’ to watch the damn movie!"

"Fuck you, YOU keep it the fuck down!"

Oh this sumbitch lookin to get knocked the fuck out. Man can't even take two chicken head hood rats to the movies without some loudmouth nigga fuckin it up.

Wait, the fuck?? Is the movie ending?? This nigga spoiled the whole shit! I got so distracted with his ass I can't remember a damn thing that happened!

--MOMENTS LATER, THEATER LOBBY AS CUSTOMERS EXIT--

There that bitch is now!

"Aye nigga, you RUINED "Jigsaw"! Why the FUCK you couldn't just keep quiet durin’ the movie!?"

The cacophonous culprit turns...

Holy fuck y'all. It's homeless nigga Timmy..

AH SHIT, SON. YOU DAT CRAZY HOMELESS NIGGA FROM DOWN THE WAY…

Louis can't believe his eyes. Yeah that's right: not Jim, Louis. Louis Maxwell Pryce. You assumed wrong and assigned racism to an innocent man. Shame on you. Unless you weren't really paying attention. Shame on you also in that case. Anyway, this whole time, the disruptive and abrasive nigga was just that goddamn Timmy Hobo..

”The fuck?” Jim’s eyes narrow in recognition.

Hey kids, that ain't Timmy Hobo at all! It's Jim Caedus!

”Now wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute...ain’t you the less edgy, somehow less black-despite-roly-poly-bald-honky-partner member o’ that twosome Dem Niggaz, Louis Maxwell Pryce? Hell you doin’ patronizing theaters in nice neighborhoods, NOT shootin’ up the place?”

Mothafucka..you on that racist shit. How come you ain't up in dis bitch dressed like the joker fuckin shootin rounds at any moving body, ole trash can smelling crotchety ugly bitchass watermelon nigga?!

Jim, his lips pursed, chin up, nods with a look of “not bad, not bad” impressed expression across his face.

”Touché Louis, touché. So, uh-”

HOLD UP.

Louis reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Jim Caedus trading card and stares at it…

OH. MY. FUCKNIGGA, BLACK JESUS, AND COKEHEAD KYLE...

YOU AIN'T TIMMY HOBO…

YOU FUCKIN JIM CAEDUS..

YOU DA REAL DEAL NIGGA WHO BE SEALIN’ DEALS NIGGA!

Jim’s taken aback.

”I am?” Clears throat. ”I mean, I _am_...that. Yes. And him.” Jim recovers. ”Myyyyyyyy nigga-” He moves to pound it. ”-I kinda thought Dem Niggaz didn’t particularly like me.”

Jim holds the fist out, awaiting dap.

Louis extends a hand but quickly embraces Jimmy, medium chub erection rubbing all over the big man's coin purse area.

Dem Niggaz love ya bruh! We just had to lay it down for them Sugay sluts you be fuckin’ wit, na mean, dawg?!

”Oh I na mean, I na mean plenty. Tala left me high and dry recently so I ain't mad atcha my nig. Wait, is- is that?”

Jim dismisses the notion that a possible medium chub erection is currently rubbing all over his coin purse area and returns the hug.

”Anyway, things ain't been the same ‘round here since the homie Trax took off. Nice to have some more thug mentality in the XWF, cu’, I got love for Dem Niggaz too.”

”Piano Keys”

The two separate, Louis's hood rats standing awkwardly off to the side, looking ever so lonely.

”By the way, bizarre as fuck the two of us runnin’ into each other after gettin’ booked for a tag bout. Not that I ain't down mind you, it's just the only thing I could think of to say to segue into the fact we have a match this Saturday on Savage. We should take those whores someplace and discuss it. I dunno, maybe get into some thug-related hijinks or bang the bitches while bashin' our opponents? Ain’t nothin' says teamwork and bro-code like two niggas nailin' hos together, skeetin’ shade on their enemies while they do it.”

Louis looks to the bitches and laughs.

These ugly ass swamp pussy, folded butthole, bitches? Naw nigga, we ain't taken em’ anywhere. They dirt, bruh. I just gottem’ cause they bought me some popcorn and JuJubees.

”Oh shit, it's like that?”

Jim looks to the skins-flappin’, booty-clappin’, keep-a-nigga-baby-trappin’ triflin'-ass hos.

”Hey hos, get me some cookie dough bites and some Butterfinger Dibs.” As they exhale and eye roll yet still submissively carry out Jim’s bidding, he turns back to Louis. ”Sweet. So hey Lou-dawg, I don't wanna hang around here any longer than I have to. Won't be too long before we’re recognized and mobbed. Or worse...NOT recognized and NOT mobbed. And if we ain’t gonna fuck _them_ hos, who we gonna fuck? And if we ain’t fuckin’ _no one_, the fuck we gonna do?”

Nigga you tell me! This ain't my hood and them bitches gave me a ride! You got a whip?

Jim laughs.

"Do I got a whip? '86 Mercedes 420 SEL v8 my nig. Black."

Fleek, nigga, fleek. Dat's dat OG shit, cuh. Now how 'bout some bitches?

Jim shrugs. "I guess we can hit up Tinder, see who's down? Might have to wait awhile."

The hood rats return bearing Jim's bites and Dibs. Jim acts incredulous.

"Do I look like I eat that kinda shit? Did I ask you for some cookie dough bites and Butterfinger Dibs?" The hood rats eye each other in confusion. "Fuck outta here with that poison."

Jim smacks the treats from the hood rats' hands, scattering them. Louis frowns.

DAMN nigga, you straight rude as a MOTHAFUCKA!

Jim looks to Louis, wounded.

Aye yo, I din't say I ain't love it! He bursts out laughing, dapping it out with Jim who joins in the laughter. PLAYED DEM HOS COLD! WOOOOOOOO! LATA BISHES!! C'MON NIGGA!!

An obligatory montage ensues.

We watch as our "heroes" are placed in a series of not-at-all-cliché interracially "comic" fueled situations such as:

-Jim blasting the stereo system in his Mercedes in a quiet, waspy neighborhood.

The cops pulling them over to viciously beat Louis.

-Jim and Louis entering Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles. Louis accusing Jim of being a wonderbread, mayonnaise suckin', cousin fuckin'

honky peckerwood racist.

The staff and patrons in their entirety pausing to cordially exclaim "Whuttup Jim?" Louis apologizing to Jim.

The cops arriving to pull Louis outside, viciously beating him.

-Jim and Louis robbing a bank.

The cops tackling and viciously beating Louis while Jim waits, holding a sack with a dollar sign, sipping a soda.

-Jim and Louis shooting each other with squirt guns in a public park.

The cops arriving, gunning Louis down then viciously beating his corpse.

--A SHORT TIME LATER, CASTLE CAEDUS--

Jim I love you and all...but after the match I don't think you and I should kick it anymore. You bad for my health. I ain't even sho how the FUCK a nigga survived that montage!

::BVVT::

Who dat? Some bitches finally?

Jim regards his phone.

"Nope...it's one of our opponents for Savage. He uploaded a vignette on the offical site."

No shit? What he say?

Jim peruses.

"Hmmmm...well it's from Random first of all-"

Oh dat shape changin'

who tried to suck Freddy dick on Savage last week then got his dome cut off instead?

"That's the one. He's sayin' "Jeff" and "Jim" are a couple of pizza makin'

then namedrops an "Ethan" at the end there."

And, nigga?

"That's it."

That's it? Well who da fuck are Jeff and Ethan?

Jim shrugs sincerely.

"Not a clue. I assume Jim means me but...I don't "make pizza". That'd be the Jimmy I ran into right before the 2017 King of the Ring actually, my doppelganger. Yeah that's it, he must be referring to that, he has to be. I guess he's patronized that High Desert Dominos and knows Jimmy has co-workers named Ethan and Jeff. Creepy, stalky fuck."

Nigga that's fuckin'

. The fuck that

gon' talk about some mothafuckas he ain't even wrasslin' tomorrow night for? And ignorin' ME in the process? Nigga stupid!

"Without question, my nig. Especially considering there are homo dipshit junkie idiots out there so inept they can't even HANDLE a pizza makin' job without gettin' their ass _canned_. Now THAT'S dumbass. _That's_ stupid. Oh and pathetic. Can't forget pathetic. So pathetic one might choose to slit one's wrists in the tub like a woman rather than bear the humiliation. Also it's indicative of a miniscule cock."

Fuh sho, dat's baby dick right there. Should we kill dat nigga tomorrow night? I mean he talkin' shit on yo..um, yo..

"Doppleganger?"

Yo doppleganger..AND his peeps, cuh! So should we kill dat nigga?

"I think yes. Yes we should."

What about Justin Sayn? Should we kill him too?

"Meh, why not?"

Ha HAA! So it's settled!

"Agreed. Tomorrow night we do our best to murder Random for crimes against humanity and Justin Sayn MAYBE...just because."

The two nigga-Hi-five, a much more violent and tribal Hi-five than the typical sort.

::BVVT::

Who dat?

"Uh oooooh..." Jim grins.

Pussy time?

"Pussy. Time."

NIGGA HELL YEAH! LET'S GET TO FUCKIN'!

"And fuck we shall, Louis. In fact...we'll be killin' cunts tonight..._and_ tomorrow night."

::STATIC::

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