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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (10-31-2017)

Bearded War Pig is spotted from one of the Motherfuckers’ helicopter style video surveillance drones wirelessly linked to the XWF Universe. Aggressively Pig is strutting towards General Mattis, well-respected Marine, and the United States’ metaphorical balls. Six well-trained secret service agents ready to give their life at any given moment surround General Mattis. Who in the eyes of BWP are just a couple of jack fucks in suits. Most likely they are some by the books soldiers, who have barely even operated in the real shit holes of the world. Coming within twenty yards of General Mattis who is on his backswing after clobbering a golf ball.

Two of the secret service agents begin to break rank to stand firm ground in between Mattis and BWP. One of the agents takes charge and steps two steps even further raising one of his hands in the hand and arm signal for ordering someone to halt. His other hand is professionally tucked behind his back at parade rest, full of stern discipline and upright posture. The agent’s mouth opens with a rapid and thundering command!

“Stop now!”

Bearded War Pig stops for a brief second eyeballing the agent giving the commands like a smoked lamb chop on a warm summer day. That would make the rest of the government butt buddy goon squad five George Killian’s Irish Red Ales to wash it down smooth like when a porn star throats dong. His tongue swipes his upper lip at the thought of the delicious full course meal in front of him. Pig begins to smile a little on the psychotic side before bellowing out chuckles of violent enjoyment. Before BWP can arrogantly charge in like a true fucking hellhound, General Mattis’ lion roar of a voice distracts all within a hundred meter radius.

“Before this goes on any further, this will be nothing more than a full force hand to hand combat sparring bout. If anyone even attempts to use weapons their ass will meet the business end of my driver! Understood?!”

All six agents reply in unison.

“Yes sir!”

The agents begin to drop their holsters and side arms. Bearded War Pig stands tall and disgruntled not a single fuck to give. His attitude or facial expression doesn’t change one bit while rolling up the sleeves to his white and light blue flannel. Pig looks the agent who first stepped up with demands like he was king hog of the pen and winks at him. Letting the agent know his ass was going to be Pig’s shortly.

General Mattis’ voice roars again.

“Bearded War Pig that command was gestured toward you as well son, you may not be apart of the Government anymore, but you still work for me, mercenary or not. Hand to fucking hand! Now lets give this old war dog a God damn bloody fucking show DAMMIT!”

BWP chuckles and nods in agreement never having any intention of using weapons when he thought the agents would have firearms, tasers, and possibly even explosives at their exposal. Just as soon as he nods in agreement he lunges forward like a middle linebacker from hell. Quickly exchanging lefts and rights some blocked, while some connect with the first vocal agent. Pig quickly gets the upper hand by leg sweeping the agent and popping his shoulder out of place with a standing upright armbar. With the second and third agents approaching faster than agents four, five, and six. Bearded War Pig kicks the fallen agent one in the midsection with a very well trained and developed Muay Thai front snap kick. Sending agent one rolling across the beautiful and plush Bermuda Bluegrass covered golf course in agonizing pain most likely suffering from bruised ribs and a dislocated shoulder.

Chuckling a little at the sight of the highly trained agent getting bested by a wrestler coming off the couch, Pig throws a verbal jab at the man he faces at his returning match.

“That smooth-talking knuckle fuck, Neville Sinclair better come to Savage with proper fucking hands! Unlike that dickless suit, bodyguard!”

Turning around to face the two charging agents two and three, Bearded War Pig feels proud from the sound of Mattis chuckling at his remark. Charging forward again so physical contact could be established quicker Pig dodges agent threes wild haymaker and almost buckles him with a swift sidekick to the side of the agent’s kneecap. Temporarily disabling agent three, BWP smiles for a brief second before being bear hugged by agent two. Agent two’s arms tighten like a ball python around BWP’s chest crushing his airway.

Knowing agents four, five, and six would be joining the fight any moment BWP quickly uses his knowledge, skill, and strength to grab agent two’s wrists. Simultaneously dropping his own body weight, Pig breaks the bear hug as if the man was only as strong as a twelve-year-old girl. Before spinning about in a Marine Corps fighting stance, Pig smashes both his heels onto the toes of agent two. Now with the upper hand and facing toward his assailant Bearded War Pig begins delivery bone crumbing rounded knees into the agent’s ribs. One after another, until agent two, goes tumbling over agent three’s unrecovered body.

With three of the agents disposed of for the time being, Pig turns his attention to the three larger gentlemen. Fucking guerillas in suits really. Loving a challenge and a vicious fight Pig charges leaping in the air and landing his legs wrapping around agent five’s head. In the blink of an eye, Pig sends agent five soaring through the air with a nasty standing Hurricarana. Leaping to his feet like an agile feline Pig instantly begins dodging and blocking the onslaught of ogre blows from agents four and six.

His very tactical and disciplined mind handles the situation flawlessly. Taking the time to wear the large goon like slobs down unto the point they barely can flail their arms or conduct an even remotely productive strike. Agents four and six both agitated to the point both men swing as hard as they can wildly toward BWP from his front and back. Lowering his body by squatting down Pig dodges the blows and even allows the two shit heads the humiliation of knocking one another out cold. Not taking any chances Pig quickly spin kicks both of them in the head before their limp bodies smash the earth below. Blood splatters from the agents’ faces as BWP wipes a few droplets of sweat from his own forehead.

Smirking in joy yet angry such pathetic men are protecting General Mattis and all of his gloriousness. Just as a light bulb of an idea develops in his head, agent five who was only taken out of the fight by a Hurricarana returns like a stubborn pimple. Breaking the established rules agent five sticks Bearded War Pig with a taser to the back of the neck. Flexing off the volts like it was taking a shot of one hundred and ninety plus proof moonshine. Pig twists his ankle transferring every bit of energy from his body to the right-handed uppercut he delivers to agent five’s armpit. Before agent five collapses from the pressure point blow, BWP uses his left hand to grab his hand and wrist holding the taser and forces agent five to electrocute his own balls until he shits his unconscious pants.

“You have got to be fucking with me right now! Did that fucking pussy shit his pants?! It smells like vegan food and Bigfoots dick! Well, I suppose a thank you is in order Pig, thank you for showing me even further how incompetent governmental desk humpers are!”

General Mattis says as he walks toward the shitty pants agent and Bearded War Pig. His driver is resting across his shoulder blades. Being the arrogant and integrity-filled Marine that he is Pig then reminds Mattis of his word before the sparring session began.

“Not to be a nitpicking little cunt or anything but I do believe you said if anyone of us used weapons we were going to get the business end of your driver shoved where the sun don’t shine!”

Pig then bends down using one of the agents jackets like a glove to pull down the shit covered pants to about agent five’s knees. Tossing the slightly shit covered jacket to the side Pig smiles at General Mattis before screaming!

“Four! Bwarhahahahaha!”

Shaking his head in disbelief General Mattis steps back a few steps before preceding to Happy Gilmore a driving wedge up one of his own Secret Service agent’s assholes. Luckily for the agent, his shit acts as a lubricant and helps from the asshole tearing to his balls. Bad thing the shit is most likely to cause infection, which could possibly lead to death. Bearded War Pig makes a sour face at the sight of a grown professional man taking a driving wedge up the poop shoot before chuckling and giving the General a well-deserved golf clap. Mattis smiles chaotically as he walks over to BWP and throws an arm around his neck in a pal like manner as they begin walking toward Mattis’ golf cart.

“Fuck that was fucking fun son, you certainly know how to enterfuckintain. It is probably best that you are the one to put an end to Neville Sinclair’s reign as XWF’s Television Champion! Hell, I normally don’t watch that fake pussy shit but you fuckers at XWF don’t fuck around unlike all the rest of the ‘Professional’ Wrestling Federations out there.”

Pig smiles feeling the respect from one of the few men in the world he respects. Climbing into the golf cart BWP’s mouth opens in response to Mattis.

“Wow sir that is a real honor to be recognized as better Championship material than the striving current one, especially coming from ‘Chaos’ himself. It may be a little more challenging juggling the limelight and the shadow work I conduct for America... Don’t worry I won’t let you down. I’m talking to the inner child Bearded War Pig fanboy and General Mattis the United States Secretary of Defense, Bwarahahahahaha!”

Pig jokingly punches Mattis in the arm after giving his word to become Champion and continue to work as a Mercenary for the United States Government. Mattis doesn’t take the joke and with full force returns the favor, which sends BWP crashing out of the golf cart and landing on his bum. Mattis laughs out loud like the older brother would after beating up one of the younger siblings, before cracking a little wise.

“That isn’t how you give an old man faith son, letting me knock you off your ass with one little blow, you better be tougher than that if you want to be Champ!”

Pig leaps up off his ass and smiles while climbing back into the cart.

“Good thing Neville Sinclair isn’t even close to the bad ass motherfucker you are Sir! Bwarahahaha, if anything he is probably more like agent Mudslide over there. Seriously though I do believe the XWF realizes the leaps and bounds the Savage brand will make with B! W!”

“Fuckin’ P!”

Chaos actual cuts Bearded War Pig from finishing his modified R-V-D rip off. Clearly pissing Pig off slightly, not enough to break him of his wits.

“I fucking knew it. You’re a fucking fanboy of his truly. Please don’t let this business deal we have worked out, lead you to believe we have developed a friendship. If you want a fucking autograph, you buy tickets to a show, enjoy the fucking blood, violence, and adrenaline rush XWF has to fucking offer. Then wait in line like every other deserving XWF patriot does to get one. Sometimes I even have lucky random fans sign something of mine that I keep forever and I place their names in a raffle to win a day possibly longer time to get in some fuckery with my handsome fucking self!”

General Mattis speedily weaving in and out of other golfers in their carts, giving ones that peculiarly agitate him the middle finger or even sometimes the dreaded ‘knife hand’ known to kill weak souls. Responding with some chuckles before some words.

“Well aren’t you one funny clown fucker’s bastard spawn? You made for one fucking stellar Grunt in the Corps, didn’t you? I mean the kind of fucking Marine who would use a fucking MRE spoon to gut a Motherfucker if need be!”

Pig forgets all about the interruption of one of his catchphrases and laughs while joining in the shenanigans of rude hand gestures to old rich elitist dressed in six-figure car payment costly golf attire. All while responding to Mad Dog’s statement and questions with pride and power.

“You can bet the sexy ass on that nice tight apple bottom brunette beer girl or the devilish smile of ours, I was! The Same fucking way I’m willing to put my body, heart, and soul on the line for the XWF Universe and American People! Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to add to the whole gist of the hangout raffle. The last winner before my hiatus that didn’t receive his prize is fifteen-year-old Devin Mays from Ravenna, Ohio if you are tuning in, know I haven’t forgotten and the day of your life is coming soon! If your parents have a problem with it well fuck them! Bwarahahaha! America right?!”

General Mattis nods in agreement as he pulls up to the same beer girl BWP was just talking about, his devilish grin really shows at the sight of her mammoth booty, which the drone is zoomed in on. At least until it zooms back out and then zooms in on Bearded War Pig for his final words.

“XWF Universe! My heroes! My Saviors! Management believes it is time for this little piggy to take the head of the current XWF Television Champion. General Mattis agrees. I’m almost positive you all have come to the same conclusion as well. So if it is the will of the UNIVERSE, then I will accept the crown as the new XWF Television Champion.

Mr. Sinclair if you are tuning in sorry to inform you but your time is over... Let's just give the people what they deserve, a match for the ages! Everyone knows I will leave it all in the ring and I hope you have the honor to as well. My attitude, personality, charisma, handsomeness, toughness, and pride are just more suitable as the Television Champion. Hopefully, in your heart and mind, you come with terms that your streak is over. Don’t fucking beat yourself up about it though everybody’s time comes. You may have beat opponents a lot like me, whoopidy-fucking doo, they aren’t me and never could be me! I’m Bearded Fuckin War Pig, XWF’s very own fuckin Wild Card! I’m more explosive then twenty pounds of a bomb. I’m the Motherfucker who puts the BOOM on his opponents! I’m going to plow through you like a driving wedge plows through a shitty asshole. Oink, Oink Motherfucker!”

The transmission ends with both Mattis and Bearded War Pig exiting the golf cart, ordering beers, and flirting with the sexy brunette in cohesion to score a threesome.

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