"Do I really need to fire back on this punk ass? Do I absolutely have to dedicate any more time to someone who can't even see that they're facing the man who tamed a Dragon?!"

Mike sticks his tongue out, and laps at the air.

"Just look at that face, it's fucking adorable, and happy. And it's everything that Jamie Shapiro will never be."



"Tell me that face isn't the cutest thing you've ever sawed. It's so fucking perfect, and I am damn lucky to have Mike has my tag team partner, without him I could not have won the illustrious tag team championship of the world belt title. That's why Lane keeps paying me money, because I keep successfully defending the tag title of the world. I've kicked out of attempts by like 30 people in the few days since I won it, but don't worry, I'm still the number one champion here. Eventually I'm going to face off with the universal champ, and I'll win, with Mike right there on the sidelines screaming his little dragon scream for me. It'll be the most glorious match of my entire career, and I ended Goldberg's undefeated streak! Little known fact, but I was the first WWE Universal Champion, and I even held the Diva's title, and the WCW World Heavyweight Title, all at the same time. Because through Mike, all things are possible. You'd best remember that, because otherwise I'm gonna come down to the ring, riding on his glorious back, and have him swallow you up whole. Because he's a goddamn dragon! And you? You're some pile of shit that's obsessed with the sound of your own voice, that has to steal jokes from my defense against Louis Pryce.

Do you like to copy my style? Do you like to pretend to be me? That's cool, I'll let you be me, but only if you help me get twelve potatoes up into my ass. I've only been able to get five up there before, but since you're wanting to be me, you can help me by putting a bunch of potatoes in there. And I don't want no baby potatoes either, I need the big ones. I'll let you coat my ass in chocolate pudding and Nutella if it'll help you, papi. Let's do this, let's take the only time we have to help get you some relevancy, because I can assure you, you'll never amount to anything else here."

There's a pounding on my door, and I have to walk away from the little town I set up for Mike. It's got a little castle for him to live in, and a saloon for if he wants to drink. Currently its bank is being robbed by a tapeworm I pulled out of my ass earlier, and Mike was stalking the worm deciding if he should eat the worm to save the bank. I would, but I'm not Mike. Mike has a distinguished palate. The pounding on my door shakes me out of my small daydream about Mike riding on a horse and punching a Tapeworm with his tongue. Such a beautiful image.

I should add that currently I am naked, except my helmet, and a pair of sparkly orange cowboy boots. These fuckers are so bright and brilliant you could see them from space, if man had ever been to space. I have maroon paint all over my genitals, a smiley face on my chest, with my nipples serving as the eyes. I open the door, and standing there is my neighbor, Janet. I call her Chinchilla.

"Hi, Chinchilla."

"My name is Janet, and you know this. Why are you naked?"

"I had to pull a tapeworm out of my ass so Mike could have a resident in his town. The worm is robbing a bank, wanna watch?"

"There's something seriously wrong with you."

"Well, yeah, I have a severe lack of eggs going into my anus at this time. Will you help me with that? Right now I only have two potatoes in there."

A potato falls to the floor with a thud. There is poop on it.

"One potato."

Another potato falls onto the floor.

"I now have no potatoes in my anus. Thank you Karen, you have ruined my day. Will you please coat my anus in Nutella and shove them back in? I have a wrestling match with Jamie Lynn Spears tomorrow, and they're gonna help me get a few extra potatoes in there as well."

"I fucking hate you."

She grabs the door handle, and slams it shut on herself, leaving me to stand there in just my boots, with two poop covered potatoes under my feet, and a rather unsettling erection.

"Whatever, lady. Mike and I are gonna play sharks and fry these taters up, and it's gonna be the best time ever. I didn't want your salty ass peanuts shoved down into my dickhole anyway. Fuck outta here with your rudeness. You can't come to my birthday party, anymore!"



I was sad, but Mike makes me happy.