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X-treme Wrestling Federation » Warfare Boards » Warfare RP Board
Same Shit, Different Dolly
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JimCaedus Offline
Trash Talker Skywalker



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Mixed

(loved by some; hated by some; dips between clean/dirty)


#1
10-23-2017, 10:58 PM

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CAEDUS REWIND: After coming into physical contact with, seemingly, his thinner, less muscular doppelganger leading up to the 2017 XWF KotR, Jim began experiencing a psychic force leading him to collect mysterious items he, at present, has no inkling as to the significance of and is even unable to ponder on the subject, instantly plagued by migraines at every attempt. Thus far, he's successfully retrieved four such items...








"Same Shit, Different Dolly"







"Ally Worsted.

Really?

"Ally Worsted"? _"Ally" fuckin' "Worsted"_!? "


"Is that what you call......creativity?"
-Danny Imperial

"Ally Worsted. What's that, your impression of the amount o' effort Danny Imperial put into bein' an American made Fijian/Hindu? Is that the end result of five frustrating minutes of word jumble jag-offery before you threw your pink inked ballpoint pen across the room yelling "fuck letters!", trolled your English teacher's Facebook then fetal-positioned under the covers with a nursing-nippled bottle o' Southern Comfort, a blunt and the cliff notes to Clever Thinking? Or...is that supposed to be you pokin' fun at yourself, in which case I gotta say, that strategy fails if you lack sincerity and ain't self-aware enough of the suck you possess. Don't bother playin' into it, just remain "cool and aloof" while the rest of us handle ridiculing you, we have it under control. Possible tongue-in-cheek ironically sneaky be damned, that is the WORST anagrammery I've ever seen, you fucking idiot. Seriously, you should be embarrassed. Like, inserting the girly barrel of a .38 into your mouth on a bridge and pullin' the trigger embarrassed. I mean, are we really gonna do this? Fuck it, don't call me Jim Caedus then, call me Mad Juices (kicked YOUR ass...), silver-tongued slayer o' seventh grade level linguistic gayroddery. Villain purveyor of truth, justice and the XWF way. Ouster of revolving-door dickhead vendettas.

Oh you know exactly what I mean.

First my Motherfucker Engy, then Danny Imperial twice, now "Ally Worsted"? Why do I feel like I'd be facin' R.L. Edgar if I opted into the first Warfare of November? Fuck's goin' on around here? Is it somethin' I said or did? Is there a sudden rash of drained nutsacs and squeaky clean anuses among the bookers due to the thorough oral and brown-nosin' actions of a vengeful lobbyist? I know, I know...some o' you newer ladies and gents are scratchin' your heads right now, wondering what the fuck it is I'm talkin' about here. Don't you worry, I'll explain soon enough.

"Ally Worsted"..."


I snort derisively.

"...a foul now-Cali Kentucky-fried façade. A lie perpetrated by a famously unsuccessful liar. The likely-to-be-abandoned plan C of a desperate, deceitful mind that must consistently weave the most ridiculously far-reaching of federation-affecting conspiracies and mysteries about itself to remain "relevant" and stubbornly in the way of those who ain't here to placate the theatrics of some selfish skank. I fully realize I'm makin' some serious accusations here when Ally has yet to even drop what I'm safely assuming (judging from the information on her profile) would be amnesiac Dolly-on-Prozac positive affirmations, innocently played "who am I? what am I doing?" musings and whatnot...but believe me, this skeeter-bite-boobed, pancake-butted bitch is a shady, low class individual who has no problem pullin' the kinda crap that, for unrelated random example, an asswipe competing in an online fantasy wrestling writing game might do, such as clicking the Like tab on his or her own posts with the same alternate characters he or she also uses to hype his/her other characters. Yeah, Ally's _that_ kinda low class. Sorry, ya pathetic playground posted playskool prostitute...nothin' personal. It's just war.

A war YOU started.

A war I'LL finish."




■■■■■■

CARCROSS•WHITEHORSE•YUKON TERRITORY•CANADA

Last week before Leap of Faith•Sunset


"Babe, this is not what I'd call a good time."

In the waning light I watch as Tala adjusts the one-of-a-kind Donna Salyers "Grey Wolf" style (with the adorable ears atop the hood) faux-fur coat she's wearing and pulls it firmly around her petite frame against the brisk high-30° Yukon fall weather breeze. I'd hired Donna to design and manufacture it for my girl and it'd cost me an even six grand for the job. But fuck _me_ if, just in time for October, she didn't make THE most devastatingly attractive, sexiest "werewolf" outta Tala (or any OTHER woman for that matter) I'd ever seen.

Totally worth it.

I respond very quietly, sending the message she do the same.

"Baby I know those luscious brown nips are hard enough right now to punch holes in concrete and I understand I've got some unfiltered brainfreeze thing goin' on with me speakin' aloud shit I should only be _thinkin'_...but I _promise_ you this is important."

"So you keep saying."

I don't blame her for the attitude. It's extremely uncomfortable, bordering on unbearable, out here inconspicuously tucked away within a grove of subalpine firs in Carcross. Maybe I shouldn't have brought her along for the ride; I'd kept a healthy distance between Tala and this item collection of mine since we'd hooked up, out of concern for her safety. However, when the option had presented itself I'd received no protest from the "psychic force" guiding me so I'd gone along with it.

I glance from my target some 50 feet away to the sky and back.

Still too early I think. I'll give it around another hour.

"Not too much longer, baby."

"Not too much longer for what Jimmy? Look, I've been pretty patient with all this because I thought maybe you had something special planned, a surprise. Now I just want to know what the fuck we're doing out here."

She deserves to know. In fact...she may NEED to know at this point. I do my best to begin explaining what it is I've been experiencing and carrying out, keeping my eyes glued to the isolated homestead across McMurphy road that houses the next item while I do it...

■■■■■■



"Jesus Christ, first with the anagram, now this... "Happy" by Pharrell Williams? _That's_ your chosen entrance music? "Happy"?? Fucking _"HAPPY"_!? Why you lousy, Flandersy, family friendly, Fresh Prince album bumpin', Full House lovin', TV G, glittery gumdrop, rainbow paintin', butterfly fart. You sickeningly brainwashy pop-culture deep throating, Lisa Frank fapping, frosting-rich unicorn cumshot. What, is that music a life update? Pssst...

No one cares.

No one misses Dolly.

No one likes Ally.

Fuck off.

Fucking "Happy"...I hate your guts, Ally. And now I can't get that shit outta my head, you ear worm servin', sack o' play-do dildo ridin' dipshit.

FLOYD!!"


"I understand there's no visual so you need to announce my presence but there's no need to shout Jim, I'm standing right here."

"Shut the _fuck_ up and play somethin' chaotic, distracting and youtubey insane that I might purge my mind's eyes and ears of that insufferably douchey diabetic coma dose of pussy positivity!"

"Okie dokie."





"If only Mario had kept from kickin' koopa shells around HQ over every loss and gotten his greaseball fat fuzzy ass fired, he woulda been here to appreciate that masterpiece."

"If ifs and buts were P-wings and mushrooms he'd still be a merry plumber."

"And if my bro Gravy had only chosen to finish the job, Dolly Waters would be feedin' the insects in a shallow grave off in the woods and I wouldn't be havin' to deal with Ally OR her horrible entrance music on Wednesday. Oh well...guess I'll hafta whip her ass from pillar to post to parking lot to paralysis to pin, pink slip and pine box myself."



■■■■■■

The last of the sun's rays sink beneath the horizon, the transition of nautical dusk, the onset of darkness.

Tala had been more accepting of my reality-raping story than I'd dared to hope she would be. Then again, being in a promotion with a witch, a reptilian, an invisible manager, a Jerkbeast, a carrier pigeon, a duck, a jive turkey, Taco the pig, a 90s VHS cassette, a squid, 40 squirrels and a hedge on the roster...why would she not?

I hear her shiver.

"Just a bit longer, girl. Hang in there."

Just a bit longer.

My right hand drops to my side in anticipation, finding the familiar tool I'd had the foresight to bring along, deviously snuck in past airport security before the flight to Vancouver and in light of what lie beyond the door of that house.

FIVE MEN

had been the final psychic message I'd received, accompanied by a feeling of danger. Five men. I suddenly wish I'd thought to procure a firearm come to think of it. Fuck it...I've got my wits, my experience and my knife. I've even got my hot, ball-busting bitch for backup.

And if anything happens to her I'll never forgive myself...

Wait. What the fuck am I worried about? I'm Jim Caedus. I kill. This is gonna be a piece of fucking cake. In fact, why wait any longer?

"Do not be hasty or foolish. Practice caution, for those who rush into battle unprepared are doomed to undoing."

Tala jumps.

"Shit!"

"Who the fuck...?"


































































"Jaga!"

"Yes, it is I. Heed Kendrick Lamar's terribly presented in hook advice on humility, Jim. Be not cocksure...for that road shall lead to your demise."

"Hey I like that track!"

"But Jaga, I don't understand. My "demise"? Why would the psychic force lead me into a situation of terminal threat?"

"Because a life and death action sequence is needed to liven up your character developmental storyline. Without it, your career is doomed to destruction."

"Fanfuckingtastic, well, thanks for the added pressure ya goddamn doomsayin' man-cat ghost."

"Listen to Jaga, Jim. Without his wisdom to lead the Lord of the Thundercats to victory they would all be dead...and the Sword of Omens would now be in the hands of the Empire."




















































"Oh hell yeah, fuck Ewan. Whuttup Obi Alec?"

"Well I landed a cameo in The Force Awakens so not too bad at the moment. Pray tell how are they hanging in your neck of the woods?"

"I dunno, we'll see how the Leap of Faith Match goes."

"Jimmy I'm not sure it's all that sneaky us standing out here in the pitch black with two glowing blue spirit guides."

"Shit, she's right you guys, you should prob'ly take off. Advice taken to heart though."

Jaga and Obi Wan dissolve into thin air, plunging Tala and I back into darkness. My eyes once again find the house across the road, illumination within cast out from the windows, tendrils of soft white light stretching up the driveway.

"Ok baby...as to the task at hand...here's what we're gonna do..."

I divulge the strategy, the two of us merely a pair of whispers in the ebony of new moon night.

■■■■■■



"So you're from Novato, California now, huh? No longer a 'Tucky trailerpark toothless teen boy teste ticklin' teeny, now a cunt Casting Couch amateur swallow video waitin' to happen. A country crawfish outta water in the land of legalized weed and celebrities. Lemme guess...you got tired o' the relentless redneck insults so you thought you'd eliminate all that this time with a CA switch, am I right? Bitch, I'm about as far from the peckerwood stereotype as an American Caucasian can get but that don't stop 3 outta 5 opponents from levying the same dumbass shit my way, so either deal with the podunkery or take that narrow, unwiped Beverly Hillbilly bunghole back to Pikeville, SmElly May. Matter of fact, just get the fuck outta my home state, slut; California needs another Cali-billed XWF wrestler as much as New York and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania do. The fuck do you care what people say anyway? You're "aloof" to the fact you're a wrestler, remember?

Those of you who don't exactly know what aloof means, don't bother Googling or shootin' Neville a querying text. It means Ally has no interest in, specifically harbors distaste for and generally don't give a shit about her job. Yeah, you heard me right. It literally says THIS on her profile-"


Fairly naive, even she herself wonders just why she's been called to the world of wrestling.

"-under personality. How. The. Fuck. Does that make ANY fuckin' sense!? "I don't know why I'm here, I don't care and frankly I'm displeased but dammit, I'm here so I'll somehow do it anyway with the skill and experience of a grizzled MMA veteran."

Unfuckinbelievable.

Dolly, Ally, whom the hell ever...if that were the truth and not some kinda uninteresting ho-hum HGH meh-scandal-frame-job-that-has-to-include-the-brass-because-you're-the-true-star-here setup or a typically selfish spotlight hogging Buronan-revealed-as-a-tournament-disrupting-Dolly (which NO ONE gave a shit about btw) mystery...you wouldn't currently be booked against Jim Caedus, you'd have quit, if the boss didn't fire you first. I mean let's be honest here, Taylor Mayde would be the first to categorize your apathy and lack of clarity as endangering to your very safety and well-being and it ain't any stretch of the imagination to believe EVERYONE ELSE would come to that same conclusion. But not YOU, Ally. Oooooooh no, not you. And why? 'Cause you're SO smart (yet in contradictory fashion, aloof to competing with men who could kill you accidentally, go figure) but so FUCKING ARROGANT you can't see past your own smug reflection and narcissism to recognize every choice you make in pursuit of your obsession with being noticed and worshipped blinds you to the stupidity you unleash. And W-T-F on how this match is supposed to go down that way in the _first_ place? You, the sideshow 13 year old little girl with the inexplicable strength and ability to nearly crush my ankle at Lethal Lottery 4...what are you gonna do when you step into that ring with me and your "aloof" attitude? You gonna stand around takin' selfie snaps, yawning, conversing with the crowd while masterfully beatin' my ass to a pulp as an afterthought each time I approach? You gonna take a squash? You gonna no-show?

Yeah...in light of the strengths and weaknesses listed on your profile (I love that you were given THREE strengths and a single, illogical, fake ass weakness, F-Y-I, really speaks further to your honor and the quality of your character) I know you possess what's needed to dismantle this Motherfucker and I assume that despite the indifference you'll end up runnin' me through the wringer anyway because like how Danny Imperial couldn't maintain his original character and like Engy refused to stick with stupid, you're gonna do what YOU always do with your completion issues, you'll shitcan the act and toss everything out the window in desperate favor of not losing.

Fucking pathetic. You make me sick Ally. I'm done here for now. See you soon..."




■■■■■■

The plan is set. My girl and I are at the ready. Now only one thing remains:

getting it done.

My heart's pumping erratically. I try to control my breathing and it's audible volume. Tala must be doing the same.

Dry pine needles crunching softly beneath our footwear as we Indian-roll ankles to toes on our feet, we close in on the isolated homestead and my fifth mysterious item.


To Be Continued

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~XWF ALL TIME TOP 50 - #6!!!! <3
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~XWF January 2017 RP of the Month!! - "Like a Moth to the Flame"
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~XWF November 2021 Star of the Month!! (3rd time!!!!!!)
~XWF Match of the Year 2021 w/Bourbsy!! - X-Treme, Flynn's Audio Shove-It


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