"Boooooooo."


"Booooooooooooo."


"This is garbage!"


The scene opens to John Samuels seated in front of the television with Tala Sugay's promo playing. Every time Jim Caedus' face appears, the television screen is bombarded by a handful of popcorn. As the libido-killing scene goes on, Samuels groans in agony and throws the entire bag of popcorn over his shoulder.

Samuels: "This is the worst lesbian porn I've ever seen! The blonde's dirty ass looks like she does naked yoga on the bathroom floor of Walmart. Get to the good part!"

Samuels fasts forwards through the near-sex scene and pauses the screen when Jaslene Sugay enters the frame.

Samuels: "Jackpot!" He says outloud while pulling a pillow over his lap which his hand quickly disappears underneath.

Samuels: "Oh God, it's you fucking vultures." He retorts upon realizing that its another XWF camera crew. His arm slowly begins to move up and down before a look of disgust crosses his face.

Samuels: "Lost it."

He motions over to the camera crew to sit down.

Samuels: "This is the part where I tell you how great I am and how similar to dog shit that Luca is, right?

Not happening.

For the first time since I've returned I actually get to face a real legend in the ring, and he's one I have a great deal of respect for. So I'm not going to shuck and jive and do the little dance you all want me to do. I have no problem with Luca, the guy has earned everything he's had come to him. He's one of the few remaining XWF employees that deserve some respect so I sure as fuck won't be dragging his name through the mud.

Instead, let's discuss how much of a Gabe Reno is.

Can you believe this withered scrotum of a man? Caedus grabbed ahold of that Supercuts haircut and slid the dick in his eager little asshole so hard that he ran away crying, leaving behind a Hansel-and-Gretel-esque trail of tears, blood, and semen. And what did he do when NOBODY came trotting through the woods looking for him? He crawled back on his hands and knees like a battered wife waiting for her punishment of stepping out of line. And what happens? He gets buttfucked by, I can't believe I'm saying this, an even bigger than Chris Chaos. What a fucking embarrassment. He tough talked a fucking twink while giving him the low-key go ahead to take up shop in his nether regions and that fucking queer certainly obliged. And then just when things couldn't get ANY worse, he circles back around and gets his throat impaled by the engorged clitoris of the most worthless wrestler this fed has ever seen, Chris Chaos.


Jim Caedus is also a .


Look, what am I supposed to do here? Keep mocking random bootlickers who are no threat to me? Selfsuck over what I've done in the XWF? How many times can I sit in front of these cameras and repeat the same goddamn things? I joined the XWF to be one of the best, and I did it. And now I'm staring the twilight of my career down and all I feel is...obligated. Every time I see these cameras I die a little inside.Truth be told, there's nothing here for me in today's XWF and the more I step in front of these cameras, the more disdain I feel for this place.

The jokes are wearing thin.
The roster is is hilariously bad.
This place is just a shell of what it once was.

And I can't fucking stand it anymore.

1X - GOAT.