Current XWF board time: 07-20-2018, 08:49 PM (time should display as Pacific time zone; please contact Admin if it appears to be wrong)
Post Reply 
PlaceMarker Lions and Tigers and Caedus, Oh Shit
09-26-2017, 11:59 PM
Post: #1

---Poonjabi Galore Shove-It Main Event---

I pull Robbie to his feet and whip him towards the ropes, but Robbie reverses it and sends me instead.

Fuck. Ok, watch for a telegraph.

I rebound into a shoulder tackle from Robbie, but I leap over the big man and hit the ropes again, this time rebounding into a dropkick that sends Robbie stumbling backwards.

Keep up the pressure.

I hop up and rush Robbie, but he recovers in time, and grabs me-


-lifting me high above his head-

No, no, no, no, NO-

-and slams me down with an earth shattering powerbomb!


"Lions and Tigers and Caedus, Oh Shit"

---Tuesday September 26, 6:06 PM---

"Jesus, where _is_ this fuckin' guy? Been waitin' a _week_ to hear from 'im."

"Who's that?"

"Imperial. We spoke a bit before Ozzy's Punjabi Galore Shove-It. He said 'e wanted to add some heat or spice or whatever to our match on Warfare. I told 'im that kinda shit ain't my strong suit and I'd defer to him for the details. He said ok, he'd start tossin' me ideas and I ain't heard from 'im since. He's supposed to PM me on the official site."


I sit comfortably before my laptop in Castle Caedus, Floyd, as always, filming.

"And have you been checking the site regularly?"

"I started off checkin' consistently the first few days but I had to switch full focus back to Robbie then to in-ring trainin' for Imperial. I couldn't just sit around obsessively refreshin' the page so I figured I'd handle business and wait 'til I got email notification. But godDAMN if he ain't takin' 'is time. Final fuckin' day for promos, we'll only be able to get up one each now to hype the match."

"Should've kept checking the site, Jim. I hate to break it to you but Danny dropped a vignette last _night_."

"Say _what_?"

"Yeah Jim, he- Did you honestly just say "say what"?"

"Focus Floyd. You said 'e already uploaded a promo?"

"That's right and by now it could be two."

I look to the lens in disbelief. Disbelief evolves to anger.

"Why that...that schemin', sneaky, slimy, sarson da saag suppin' sack o' shady Shiva-fearin' half-Hindi half-Fijian fuckstick! I shoulda known I couldn't trust that brown sumbitch!"

I connect to XWF's official site.

"Yep, there it is. Mother_fucker_... Just one promo, "From the Jaws of a Beast", but I'm willin' to bet he plans on uploadin' a second closer to deadline should I put up my single allowable response right _now_ or not."

"Click on it, see what he said."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you thought I was gonna do, walk into Warfare unaware? "From the Jaws of a Beast" by the way...lemme guess, the self-proclaimed King o' the Jungle hit me with the predatory pussy theme, right? 3rd world douche."

"Click on it and find out."

I do so.

"Well, for starters he's got some kinda cool Yothu Yindi aboriginal tribal bullshit playin' and- Wait, what the fuck? Is he- He _is_, he's- He's fuckin' _rhymin'_ at me!"

"Yeah, so? ......Jim? ...Hello?"

::As if in a daze, Jim takes in the poetry silently, his eyes glazing over, jaw slack. He views the whole of the vignette and once it's concluded, still apparently suffering some sort of spell, he minimizes the site screen and pulls up YouTube, executing a search. Satisifed with the swift results, Jim clicks on a video and...::

"What're you doing?"

Tuning in...... Wait for iiiit......

King James
"New Version (P.O.S)"
The Caedus Cutz
XWF Entertainment

The fuck's happening to me? ...... The fuck is this sensation? ...... I feel like I've woken from a deep sleep. ...... I feel like I've been waiting for this my entire life. ...... And I feel...I feel...whatever's just right.

::VERSE 1::
Welcome everybody to me, I'm King James,
Things changed, still strange, I remain deranged,
Insane, unchained, unlocked an old game
maintained since 12 when bud hit the brain,
Bobby Bourbon bombed the verses, beat 'em, free o' my grey,
Now I'll animate the airwaves with lyrical play,
Via vitriolic versin' violently violate,
Verbomaniacally ventilating verterbral-veins,
Fortissimo and accents means it's time to get thug,
Rhymin' on pussy, crime, guns and a whole lotta drugs,
Caucasian gangsta, a wigga, leavin' R outta nigga
C-walkin' by your house party while I'm pullin' the trigga
'Cause I don't give a fuuuck,
I'm cray-cray crazy, remember?
The super-psycho-delic honky from LB to the letter,
I used to fuck for chedder; lonely wives, interracial porn,
Mad husband caps from the back as I dip out the door

'Cause I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
But you can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
You can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
Yeah I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
But you can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
You can't handle it,
No, you can't handle this

::VERSE 2::
I love cutting tracks like the smackin' o' my pelvis on ass,
How it claps, pound on my bitch from the back,
I'm a lover and a fighter and I'm slick with the snaps,
Keepin' you rantin' and raving until your lungs collapse,
"King o' the Jungle"? Perhaps. But alas, it's a fact:
your jungle's in my backyard and you can't argue with that,
So fuck a pussy cat, I'm on safari packin' a gat,
I'll make you famous, fuzzy nuts and feline ass on blast
Why you rhymin' on revenge like you gon' settle a score?
Punjabi pissant, you and I ain't ever wrestled before,
I dropped the Television Title and you got your ass kicked,
But it wasn't by me, you lost to Mister Tidbits,
I appreciate you foolishly callin' me undefeated,
Dick I've been depleted, 8 times over I've been deleted
Where the hell you get your info from? This ain't the place
for fuckin' up, my cock o' truth pimp-slap that paint off your face

'Cause I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
But you can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
You can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
Yeah I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
But you can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
You can't handle it,
No, you can't handle this

::VERSE 3::
This curry cocksucker think 'e good at 'is job,
This half Hindu douche, this half Fijian Fob,
A 3rd World slob, go long Danny, here come the lob,
Hail Mary to a jungle fairy, droppin' a bomb,
Content corny like cob, dissin' soft like cotton swabs,
Predatory clichés like that old hat don't flop,
Easy tiger, keep prayin' to your elephant God,
Worshipping pacyderm penis with your pink dot mob,
You half-assed Mola Ram, you Not-So-Great Khali,
Done lost your marbles convincin' yourself to fuck with Jimmy C,
You took advantage o' professionalism like a cunt,
Now King James is locked and loaded and ready for the hunt,
I'll kill a sucker-punchin' punk, have you roast on a spit,
And by spit, Danny Imperial, I'm talkin' my dick,
You want a fuckin' war, kid? You gonna go up in flames,
And when YOU quit, ain't nobody gon' remember your name

'Cause I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
But you can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
You can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
Yeah I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
I'm a piece o' shit,
But you can't handle it,
You can't handle this,
You can't handle it,
No, you can't handle this

::As the track and odd phenomenon ends, beat descrendoing to silence, Jim appears to snap free of his spell and, as if the last nigh-four minutes never happened, maximizes the site page and returns his attention to Imperial's ended promo::

"What the fuck was _that_?"

"What was what?"

"That whole ra-"

::Jim interrupts::

"I _knew_ Imperial was gonna come at me with the big cat references off that promo title. He's predictable as fuck. Plus what's up with that self-conversatin' "we" horseshit now? Micheal Graves and I _both_ have already gone through that shit. Though to be fair, Gravy was supposedly possessed. Still, how many more of us in the XWF are gonna wind up sufferin' from that psychological disorder before the brass starts screenin' potential talent for creativity deficiencies? Hell with it, I need a plan."

I take a moment to brainstorm a response as Floyd films, letting whatever it was he was questioning go. Then it hits me.

"Urethra, I've got it!"

"Eureka. And got what?"

"Danny wants to get cool killer kitty cat cocksucker with me? Fine. I'll just hafta beat 'im at 'is own game. I gotta post an emergency public summons, hold an audition."

"For what?"

"You'll see, Floyd. You'll see."

---Later that night, 11:13 PM---

"So, a tiger huh? That's not a problem, I've taken down big game before. Tell you what, let me CATCH him and ship the fucker over to my fenced-in facility here in the states and I'll pay YOU for it. Canned hunts are my specialty. Well that and making threats of terminal violence towards n[BLEEP]gger presidents and PETA members. Pussies."

Ted Nugent smiles to himself.

"Can't fuckin' believe my bad luck. Here I'm tryin' to keep my nose clean, represent as a role model for the fans and I've got Ted Nugent, asshole extraordinaire, in my house. Makes me wanna flip back to villain, murder you and report to the cops I legally killed an intruder."

I watch as the Nuge' screws an index fingertip into his right ear.

"What was that? I'm a little hard of hearing what with all the consistent automatic weapons-fire in my life."

I choose to keep it civil.

"I said it's not an actual tiger, Ted. It's just some dumbass THINKIN' he's a tiger."

"The problem being?"

"That's a no, Mr. Nugent. Thanks for your time. NEXT?"

Ted waves me off with an irritated hand and takes his leave through the front door as the next in line enters.

"Ahhhh, so I understand you are hunting le grand chat, no? Hoh hoh hoh, I am, how you say, with ze experience for such a aventure. Je mange des chats pour le petit-déjeuner, hoh hoh hoh."

"Ain't you that actor frog faggot that shot and ate Cecil the Lion?"

"Oui. Gerard Depardieu is my name."

"The fuck outta here, prick, this ain't that kinda gig. NEXT?"

As Gerard makes his exit, a man clad in safari outfit wanders in.

"No. No, no, NO! Out! What the fuck?"

In frustration I rise from my recliner and storm to the front door to address the line of dicks awaiting audition.

"Anyone else here for a legitimate tiger hunt can turn the hell around and kick rocks. You've all misunderstood the job."

::Disappointed muttering emanates from a mass of applicants who turn to leave::

"Jim I'm not sure I understand what you were going for here. Or WHO rather."

"The emergency post was just to cover my bases in case my TRUE desired team doesn't show up. See, I'm not lookin' for hunters, I'm lookin' for those who can help me control Imperial's sitar strummin' tiger twat and help me out-_cool_ the guy with his National Geographic gayroddery and I REFUSE to believe my intended team WON'T arrive."

"And they are...?"

"It ain't obvious?"

I head back inside as the applicants thin out.

"No, Jim, I'm afraid it isn't."

I produce my phone and run a quick search.

"Here's who, dipshit."

"The _Thundercats_?"

"Damn skippy the Thundercats and not the reboot bullshit, the classic 80s line-up."


"I can see it now..."

"Cheetara's speed'll have Danny's turban spinnin'; her spotted sexuality a distraction. Then she'll toss me her extendin' bo staff and I'll plant that shit up Imperial's brown ass and out his mouth like a fob-kabob. Next there's Panthro..."


"Panthro will roll the Thundertank on down to the ring, hop out and lend his superior strength to the battle ensurin' Imperial receives the beatdown he apparently so sorely desires decidin' to pull a fast one on ol' Jim Caedus like I won't fight back. Once he's been properly subdued I'll borrow Panthro's fire and ice nunchuks and freeze-fry Danny's balls to prevent the jag-off not only from breeding but from ever pullin' a disrespectful stunt like this on another roster member again. And Tygra..."

"Oh Jiiiiim?"

"Tygra's gifts of invisibility, illusory trickery and mental assault will keep Daniel's schizophrenic coaching at bay and suck out any second wind he may experience at that point in the contest. It's at that moment I'll snatch Tygra's bolo whip, wrap it 'round Danny's throat and throttle the bastard 'til 'is eyes bug out and 'e blacks out from lack of blood to the brain. That's where Lion-O comes in, he's clean-up. Lion-O's gonna-"



"The Thundercats aren't REAL you idiot! It's a fucking CARTOON!"

"Shnarf shnarf! Who're you calling a cartoon?"

"What. The. Fuck."

You can't see it but Floyd looks to be about to lose his shit as a familiar animated furry fat fuck waddles up.

"SNARF!! I fuckin' KNEW the Thundercats wouldn't let me down!"

"This can't be happening. It's impossible. And...and the guy who used to dub your voice is DEAD! _HOW_ IS THIS HAPPENING!? Jim, seriously, Imperial already has his second promo up and you're doing WHAT about it?"

"Oh ye of little faith, shnarf shnarf."

I laugh ecstatically.

"This is amazing! Snarf, where are the others? En route?"

"I'm afraid they can't make it, Jim."

"What?? WHY??"

"Oh, the usual: the mutants, the Lunatacks and Mumm-Ra are all at it again. They sent me in their stead."

"The fuck are YOU gonna do? By the motherfuckin' moons of Thundera, they couldn't at least have sent Wily Kit and Kat? I coulda worked with THOSE two but _you_...Snarf, you're the harmless comic relief. Oh fuck this," I throw my arms up in anger. "The hell am I doin' thinkin' to rely on anyone other than myself for this match? Danny ain't no tiger, he ain't more than Jim Caedus can handle, hell, he ain't even accomplished anything o' note in the XWF with the exception o' takin' out Chris Chaos but I've done that twice mySELF. Come to think of it...when I think o' the threat Danny Imperial represents I can think of only one thing:"

I again run a search and present my phone for viewing.

"He ain't shit but a spoonfed lil' bitch. I got this."

I look to the lens.

"Your attempt to ambush me was cute Danny...but shit ain't gonna be so sweet when we meet. Sleep tight "tiger". Tomorrow night, one way or another, I'll be puttin' a pussy down."

"Shnarf _SHNARF_!"


[Image: YSqFoQ7.jpg]
[Image: oqNqgFo.jpg]
Shout out to Gravy for these kick ass banners

~XWF TAG TEAM CHAMPION w/The Engineer - 1x (current)
~XWF 24/7 Briefcase - 2x (current)
~XWF Trio Tag Champion w/Ax3 - 1x
~XWF Television Champion - 1x (undefeated)
~XWF Federweight Champion - 2x
~XWF Triple Title Holder - 1x (TV, Federweight & 24/7 case)
~XWF Double Title Holder - 3x (TV/Feder, Uni/Trio & Tag/24/7 case)
~XWF 2017 Lethal Lottery IV Tournament winner!!
~XWF 2017 Leap of Faith Rafter Match winner!!
~XWF 2017 2nd Annual Doc D'Ville Hosted Shove-It Rumble Co-Winner w/Chaos!!
~XWF 2017 War Games Co-Winner with Robert Main and Drew Archyle as APEX!!
~XWF Feb. 2017 J. Carver Federweight Scramble Winner!!
~XWF January 2017 RP of the Month!! - "Like a Moth to the Flame"
~XWF February 2017 Star of the Month!!
~XWF March 2017 3-Way Star of the Month!!
~XWF September 2017 RP of the Month!! - "Lions and Tigers and Caedus, Oh Shit"
~Proud final opponent of XWF Legend Barney Green

---Love Me, Like Me, Hate Me. No Worries---
Edit this post
Hate Post Like Post Quote this message in a reply
The following 8 users Like JimCaedus's post:
Peter Fn Gilmour (09-27-2017), Robert Main (09-27-2017),  The Engineer  (09-27-2017), The Sugay Sisters (09-27-2017), Robbie Bourbon (09-27-2017), Theo Pryce (09-27-2017), Dolly Waters (10-02-2017), Drake (10-17-2017)
Post Reply 

Possibly Related Threads...
Thread: Author Replies: Views: Last Post
  Lions and Books Mystica 0 276 06-18-2013 07:49 PM
Last Post: Mystica

User(s) browsing this thread:
1 Guest(s)