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TheBigKahuna · (09-21-2017)

The Big Kahuna is having an absolutely delicious dinner at Harry Caray's Italian Steakhouse in Chicago, chomping down on an absolutely gigantic steak. An extra large bowl of pasta sits next to his plate. He reaches for some ice-water to clear his throat and wash down his food.

The Big Kahuna: If you have to be away from home, at least eat good.

Kahuna wraps up some of the pasta with a fork and inhales it down. He places down his fork and again takes a sip of the water before taking a napkin and gently patting down his mouth.

Kahuna: God damn am I looking forward to Saturday and the Poonjabi Prison Tables, Ladders, & Chairs match! Last week, McBride only got a glimpse of what I am capable of as a wrestler. But this week LeCroix, you'll get to see the total package. I work this body hard! And I fuel it up just right. Just so I can wreck havoc on freaks of nature like you. People see this pretty face and my agreeable demeanor and they take it for weakness. They think I can't get my hands dirty in the ring. If my beat-down of The Mick wasn't a strong enough message then what I'm going to do to you on Saturday night will be heard loud and clear. I won't leave a single doubt in any XWF wrestler's mind about what I am capable of - in a ring, a poonjabi prison, or wherever the hell else a punk wants to wrestle.

I may not be fucked in the head like the sick lot of wrestlers around the XWF - but I'll be damned if my tenacity and penchant for violence in the ring is ever questioned!

A lovely waitress comes by Kahuna's table and drops off the check.

Waitress: Here you go sweetheart, no rush...Have a great night...

She lingers near the table, staring into Kahuna's eyes. Her mouth begins to water as she gently shakes her head, snapping out of a daze.

Waitress: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to do this, I know you're probably very busy but my son saw your first match last week, and he's such a huge fan, could I just...maybe...get your autograph for him?

Kahuna: Oh that's great? What's his name?

Waitress: Jack!

Kahuna grabs the waitresses hand and gently removes the pen she was holding. At this point, her vagina is like the mouth of a St. Bernard with how wet she is. Kahuna takes his copy of the check and writes a note to Jack, signing it at the bottom "The Big Kahuna". He hands the autograph to the waitress who cannot even speak at this point. She nods at Kahuna and giggles as she scurries off.

Kahuna: Now...LeCroix...I can tell you aren't one of these crazies that run around here with a permanent teenage edge. No...Your problem is an unfortunate one. Your problem is just...that you're in my way. Pity isn't quite the right word, but there is something I feel towards you - a pang of sympathy for your luck in getting the short straw this week. Because ultimately, you're not even a speed bump on my road to the top. You're the ground floor the ladder sits on in my ascent to Universal Champion. It could have been anybody, but in some ways...it just had to be you.

Because maybe you'll be my first real challenge. Hell, you're a big motherfucker, I'll give you that. But what do you really have going for you? If it weren't for the extra equipment we will have in the ring with us, it would be a pedestrian ass-kicking that I'd give you. In fact, I think I have a right to be a little pissed off that I'm getting put in front of another tomato can of a fighter. First McBride, and now you. For as long as it takes for me to climb my way out of that prison on Saturday, I'm going to make you a household name. Enjoy it while it lasts because like McBride, I'll end any chance you have of becoming a success. At that point, you'll be lucky to be the answer to a trivia question.

But of course, me on the other hand...The Big Kahuna...Well - some people are saying wrestlers with gold strapped to their waste are already nervous about my arrival here. I'm a damned rocket-ship, shooting upwards and past the mediocrity this federation has to offer. LeCroix, I hope you take a moment on Saturday to relish the opportunity you've been given - to come face to face with greatness. I don't care if I have to climb up the whole damn ladder to be face to face with your tall ass self. By the time you see this face, I'll already be up and out of that prison motherfucker,
so you better bring...

Waitress: PSST!

The waitress is standing near the women's bathroom, motioning to Kahuna to come here. He turns around and sees her and smiles wide.

Kahuna: I uhh...We'll talk later.

Kahuna very gentlemanly gets up from his table, tucks in his chair, and walks over towards the waitress. She opens the door and grabs Kahuna hand to join her. As the door to the bathroom closes, we hear Kahuna.

Kahuna: So this means I don't have to pay for dinner, right?

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