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JimCaedus · (09-21-2017)

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::FADE UP ON JIM VIEWING ROBBIE'S "RETRACTION" MAN-CAVE PROMO::

"-ou kiddin' me? I love 'is man-cave promos! They're so...real, y'know? Thought I could cajole a few out of 'im in the Lotto tourney the nice way, turns out all I had to do was tell 'im _not_ to do them." I laugh.

"You saying Robbie Bourbon fell for your Jedi Mind Tricks? That he is, in fact, a weak-minded fool?"

"No. What?? Floyd-"

"Yes Jim?"

"-why you tryna start beef? The goal is keep the fat guy _jovial_ for fucksake. I worked 'im up enough with my _first_ vignette callin' 'im out for relaxin' that pasty pacyderm pooper of his and unloadin' wave upon wave of Legend-scoffing, at-the-brass-bird-flippin', fan-hatin', time wastin' slick shit composed o' that whiskery massive mammal's natural diet: breakfast burritos, donuts, "jokes" and Bourbon-Barns Self-Suckled Man Udder Whole Milk (XWF Shop.com item incoming!). And o' course THAT got 'im so flustered he proceeded to lose 'is balance like the amusingly and pleasantly porcine are known to do, makin' an enraged literal beeline bull-like horned-headlong dash for save-face with unstoppable blubber-butt momentum and a TRUE first swing which, unfortunately for him, he served chock-full o' cheap, watered-down, urine-hued, off-brand Bourbon-ISH with a side order o' mistakey goodness. _Now_ look-"

"Don't Believe the Hype"

::Floyd's lens takes in the masked man on-screen, then swings back to Jim, sitting before his laptop at home::

"He's softened. He's playful. He's fed- or he's about to be...if he locates a beam o' warm sunlight through an uncurtained window in 'is house he'll soon be snoozin', dreamin' o' Snickers Pumpkins, Twix Ghosts and behind-locked-pen naked honeyglazed hijinks with the mate. He's Snorlax, homie, mine for the-"

"Wait. So if he makes mistakes when he's angry, why let him relax? You want him to make MORE mistakes, don't you?"

"Well, uh... You see... He's... He's- He's wandered into my _trap_, see, tired himself out with the strugglin' and 'a fightin'...and uh...now he- er now _I_-" I drop the sarcasm and smile knowingly, eyes twinkling with mischief. "Come on, Floyd, isn't it obvious? I've kept 'im waitin' for days thinkin' he's shut me up, had him whittlin' away the time headbutting giant clams and playin' freeze tag with mackerel or however it is the giddy walrus enjoys it's downtime, unaware o' the glarin' botch-holes left in 'is defenses and NOW...now I can drop this and hit 'im where it REALLY hurts...RIGHT in the cocky. And unlike LAST time...THIS time I really AM leavin' 'im with little time to respond! MWAHA-"

"Mhm. You did better this time but you miscalculated. Literally. Jim, it's the morning of the 21st. Shove-It's on the 23rd."

"The 23rd?"

"The 23rd. Are we really going to recycle this bit? And anyway, you've been waiting for days on callbacks from CNN and ESPN to book you an interview."

"You're right, let's move on."

""Snorlax" by the way...what's with the pokémon references? I swear to God, counting those title bumper theme promos o' yours you've mentioned that franchise 6 or 7 times in 9 months."

"Not _that_ ma-"

"Maybe more."

I laugh nervously.

"You're exaggera-"

"You talk a whole damn lot."

"_Bro_, I like the games, alright? ...And the anime. ......And movies. But _that's_ it! A lotta people like that property. Shit, there's Pikachu cosplay PORN. It ain't like I ever had the cards or anything. Or watched the porn."

"No, I know. You collected YuGiOh cards."

I spit my retort out behind an embarrassed scoff.

"_That_ is a wholesale LIE, Floyd!"

"You let it slip once against Cadryn. I work here, remember?"

"Pretty sure what you're alludin' to was when I accused _him_ o' playin' WOW and YuGiOh."

"All in the subtext, Jim."

"Shut the f- Man, there ain't no subtext! You want SUBtext just peruse The Bourbs's "Mental" promo. Now THAT'S subtext! Nothin' BUT subtext!"

"Stop saying subtext. Explain."

"Well for instance, at the end of 'is-"

BOURBON ON CAM: "-he's ready to face YOU though Jimmy."

My attention turns to The Bourbs.

BOURBON ON CAM: "Maybe if you were- just...a little more than Robbie Bourbon like." Robbie contorts his face with criticism. "Great taste...less filling."

::"RETRACTION" ENDS::

"THAT right there!

R
I
G
H
T
.
.
.
T
H
E
R
E
!
"

::BVVVT::

I check my phone. A text.

"Christ, not again. And this right HERE as well! This's been goin' on for _days_ now."

I open it.

10:34 AM from Capri

I want 2 suck on ur balls like giant jawbreakers and make u shoot all over my face like pudding. =P

I look to and stare at Floyd just behind the camera as I shiver.

"What. Who is it?"

"Never mind that. Right now I'm talkin' about Robbie's closer here. "Great taste, less filling", with the face there at the end? He was sayin' _I_ have great taste but I'm less filling!"

If you all could only see the incredulous face Floyd's making right now.

"_Okay_, AND!? What's that supposed to mean?? And how do you know he wasn't comparing you to himself with a self-descriptive?"

"Ohhhhh no. No, no, no. He was callin' ME great taste, less filling, WHICH, I might add, is a tag line for Bud Light ads isn't it? Or _was_ or some other fuckin' beer? Who cares, my point is...how is that supposed to be an insult if that was the intent? If he was great taste, less filling like ME he wouldn't be so astoundingly spherical and planet-like with those generationally-maintained-in-the-molten-mozzarella-that-is-his-sour-flab-folds flies-he-calls-'is-moons as his constant companions buzzin' around 'is orbit like-"

"Jesus, wait. What's the REAL point? I'm assuming you were about to reference the end of "Mental" before you got caught up in "great taste, less filling". What's the connection?"

"Elementary my dear Floyd, it's-"

"Babe," Tala calls from the kitchen?

"Yeah?"

"Did you feed Chewie?"

"Chewie?"

Quietly I answer, "My dog. Lhasa apso. Looks like Chewbacca." Then to Tala loudly, "Yeah baby."

"Kay."

::BVVVT::

10:38 AM from Capri

I want 2 feel u inside me like how he used 2 force me to penetrate myself with 4 frozen hotdogs at on‌ce =D

How the hell did you even get my number?

"You were saying about a connection?"

"I was sayin'- No, you know what? I'm savin' it for the interviews. I'll show Robbie what hype REALLY really is."

"So who've you landed?"

"No one. Not one goddamn call back, not a text, not a- Well, TMZ's interested but they don't count. EVERYONE gets TMZ. I can't BELIEVE CNN and ESPN don't wanna interview ME!"

"Jim, before we started filming you were talking about how _boring_ Robbie's promo was. Remember?"

"Well, yeah, he used to do cool, cartoony shit like kick it with aliens and Jesus and fight ice pirahnas and the like. CNN and ESPN are flat-out unentertaining by comparison but still, he got the interviews and I didn't. Makes me look unimportant just like he said. I don't even know why I need this anymore. I'm unpopular and unpopular people don't deserve phones."

I hold it out to Floyd-

::BVVVVT::

"Please not again."

I regard the text.

"What the...fuck?"

"Who is it?"

"Floyd you'll never guess...not in a million years. I can't wait to tell Tala!"

"Tell heeeeer...?"

"What a coincidence the card is in Illinois, too. It's risky territory though. Gotta script it juuuuust right."

"You wanna let us in on the secret here, Jim?"

"One too many blunders and it can flip from glorious nostalgia to somethin' (not like it matters 'cause promos don't win matches) as hackneyed and uninspired as a recent Robbie Bourbon vignette or material as irritatin' as online ads interruptin' youtube videos right in the middle of the-"

"-dialogue. Yes...if I'm not careful I could very well, and probably will, screw up an interview with THEM."

"Fucking WHO!?"
-------------------

"You are watching Cable 10. Aurora, Illinois community access channel."

::The studio audience ovates as an aged Mike Myers and Dana Carvey once again don the guises of none other than-::

"Yeeeeah!! Whooooaaaa!!"

"Wooooooo!!!"

"Alriiiiiiiight!! Welcome everybody to the RETURN of Waaayne's Wooorld!!"

::More applause::

"Yes, yes, this is true, I am your excellent host Wayne Campbell and with me as always is Garth."

::Further applause and "wooting" as Myers and Carvey join in::

"Party on, Wayne!"

"Party on, Garth!"

::Audience laughter::

Myers squints and rocks back and forth with breathy laughter, pushing strands of his wig behind his ear.

"Alright, alright, excellent. Okay, so tonight we've got a special guest from the world of professional wrestling, Garth. He's from the XWF and his name is-"

"Robbie Bourbon!"

::Thunderous applause::

"No, Robbie never returned our calls, Garth, remember?"

"Oh yeeeah. What a chode, man."

"A chode he is. But we DID get his opponent for the-"

Myers squints again, this time so as to read the cue card as "naturally" as Robbie delivers his man-cave monotony.

"-Poonjabi Galore Shove-It Punjabi Cage on a Monster Truck match."

"No- No way, man."

"Way."

"No. Way."

"Way."

::Mild laughter from the audience::

"Okay, and here he is--- Jim Caedus!!"

I make my way quickly down the stairs as the studio audience ovates once more, though noticeably less than they had for The Bourbs. I vault upon the back of the couch Garth is sitting on with my right foot-

-and my solid 230 pound muscled frame tips the damn thing over, Dana Carvey's old ass toppling to the floor of the set.

::Audience laughter::

"Jesus Christ, are you ok?"

I right the couch and hold my hand out, helping Dana Carvey to his feet. He salvages it well.

"Thank you."

::"Garth" notices his wig is off, as the audience explodes, and retrieves it quickly, smiling sheepishly::

"That was quite the entrance Jimbo. You ok Garth?"

"Yeah I think so. My melon is a little sore, though."

"You know what might make you feel better?"

"What's that?"

As the audience dies down from applause and laughter, I add:

"Can I... Can I get an Xtreme Close-Up too? Xtreme with an X, you know: for _X_treme Wrestling Federation?"

"We'll see how this goes. Now Jim...Garth and I
understand you're dating Miss Tala Sugay of The Sugay Sisters. Is this true?"

"Damn skippy it's true."

"SCHWING!!"

"SCHWING!!"

"SCHWING! She's a FOX!"

"Yeah, she's a BABE. If she were in Star Wars, she'd be Darth Baber."

"Her periodic table designation is big B, big A, little b, little e."

"If she were a boxer, she'd be Floyd Babeweather."

"She's so hot she's got every guy on the roster _strokin' out_ like Nicole Bass."

::The audience "OOOOOHs"::

"What'd I say?"

He looks to me as the segment writer for an answer. I shrug innocently.

"If she were a victim of Bilbo Blumpkinz and his wheelchair her name would be Baybe Lincoln." Dana looks to me, slightly frowning, uttering in character: "That's...a lot like my Baberaham Lincoln line in the first movie, man."

It's a coincidence, douche.

I ignore him.

"Yep, that's my Tala. One hundred percent gorgeous."

Myers and Carvey manage to wrestle down their distaste for my terrible and hateful writing and continue in character.

"What's it like dating a chick who could kick your sphincter inside out, Jim? I heard Tala-"

"SCHWING!!"

"-her sister Jaslene-"

"SCHWING!!"

"-and their friend Kennedy-"

"SCHWING!!"

"-killed Robbie Bourbon and his partners in the ring."

"First off Wayne, we can't say "kill". Robbie said so."

"Why not, man? They lost didn't they?"

"Why yes they _did_ Garth. Unfortunately, Robbie's the type to take things EXTREMELY literally, rattle off every minute detail of the event in Chris Chaos fashion and ignore the synonymous phrasin' of "kill" and "defeat" in pointing out he took a knightly stab from a crazed fan for my girl's sis then walked out on a match he and his team ultimately lost. He's what you might call a f[BEEP]ckin'

, Garth."

"Whoa, whoa, _whoa_! You can't-" Nervous snicker. "You can't use that kinda language, man." He looks to Myers for support.

"Garth's right, Jim, this is PG-13 programming."

"The f[BEEP]ck you talkin' about? Ain't you ever seen Jerkbeast? That was public access too."

"Shaaaa! This isn't Jerkbeast, Jim, this is Wayne's World!"

::The audience cheers::

"Ok, ok, fair f[BEEP]ckin' enough."

::Laughter and applause::

::BVVVT::

Not _now_ you psycho...

I chance checking the text while the audience continues to react.

7:08 PM from Capri

Please don't ignore me Jimmy. I want u. I always have. He cheated on me now it's my turn. I'm going to suck that dick like I'm trying to empty the cheddar from a cheese dog.

Oh God...

"Let's move on shall we?"

I return my phone to my pocket.

"To what, Wayne?"

"Elementary my dear Brolmes, it's time for Caedus's-"

Dana pulls the Top 5 board from behind the couch and Mike raises his guitar before the two sing and play along in unison with the graphic to the "tune" of the intro.

"TOP FIVE! - BO-TCHES! - BOURBON MADE!"
"TOP FIVE! - BO-TCHES! - BOURBON MADE!"

Top 5 Botches Bourbon Made
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

"Okay! Alright! So what we have here are the Top 5 Botches Bourbon Made in "Mental" and "Retraction" and at number 5 we have-"

Top 5 Botches Bourbon Made
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Identity Crisis

"IDENTITY CRISI-S!"
"IDENTITY CRISI-S! What's the story, Jim?"

"This bulbous, self-deluded douche actually thinks I'm tryin' to sound like him, guys. Now I don't know what it is he's invented in that cholesterol-choked, sugar-stoked, beer-soaked mound o' cud he calls a mind of his but with the grey-area exception o' my out-versin' his Campbell's Chunky ass durin' the 3rd Round o' the Lottery, I believe I've done a bang up job carvin' out my own voice-niche in the XWF and who the hell but an enemy or an opponent's gonna argue? Am I right?"

::The audience being comprised primarily of people both familair with SNL and wrestling, Jim's fans cheer, "wooooo" and applaud. We catch a few noticeable boos from the loyally rigid Robbie fans and Caedus haters::

"Now- if he's talkin' about comedy, well, comedy ain't somethin' you can lay claim to."

"Shaaaaa! Riiight! And precisely three seconds following his declaration monkeys might fly outta my _butt_!"

::BVVVT::

ANOTHER text.

Use it. Use it!

"Oh, no, wait...I spoke too soon. I just received a text here."

7:13 PM from Capri

I want 2 have ur baby. Pump me full of that pastry filling. <3

"Yep, word just went out and it's official. Robbie Bourbon owns comedy as well as inventor's majority shares of "gumption" and "tenacity"."

ALL THREE: "NO-T!"

Wow, NICELY done you two! And off an ad-lib no less.

Myers places two fingertips beneath his nose and gives an outward straight-armed salute with the other arm.

"Sorry, Adolf HAHAtler, der Führer of das pünchen linen, but you're a spazz if you think you can lay claim to comedy."

"That's right man, I don't see your name on it! Who do you think you are!?"

"Good question Garth; Wayne wasn't far from the truth. You see...Robbie Bourbon is more than just a man who lacks respect for the XWF, it's brass, Legends, bookers, crew and fans...he's very much a performance facist who goosesteps and wobbles his way into the tragic life of his poor opponent by playin' The Fun Police SS, jealously tellin' me, kinda like Cadryn has, that if I try makin' jokes with a cavalier attitude I must be infringing on 'is intellectual property. I'm only tryna be positive Robbie, to seek happiness in my world fulla sadness except for the light o' my life Tala, to try, as rarely as I do, to allow a little sunshine to brighten my demeanor, which, for the record, ain't the first time I've done so in the XWF. I'm just looking for my silver lining Robbie. Oh and now you wanna take that away from me?"

"He DOES man, he wants to bogart all the happy in the world!"

"I lost everything in my life, Robbie, I suffered a homeless stretch. You wanna take away the smiles?"

"He's trying to take smiles from a homeless guy, Wayne!"

"It's a fact now...Robbie Bourbon IS the new Hitler. AND he hates the XWF, it's fans and everything in it."

::Dana starts getting worked up IC::

"Let me at 'im man! Let me at 'im!"

::Myers stares at a panting Carvey for a moment then turns to the camera::

"Okay! Alright! Number FOUR on the List:"

Top 5 Botches Bourbon Made
1.
2.
3.
4. Arithmad*ck
5. Identity Crisis

"ARITHMAD[BEEP]-CK!"
"ARITHMAD[BEEP]-CK! Jim, please elaborate."

"This alludes to the fact that the education hatin', egocentric, ludicrously swollen Self-Fluffed Marshmallow Man can't count and, as a consequence for a failed _fellow_ role model for the kids, encourages ignorance and illiteracy...as well as obesity and a rabid disregard for personal hygiene (clearly not a man you'd want as Universal Champion) but that's neither here nor there. The truth is guys, Robbie and I faced off in the Lethal Lottery 4 tournament, Round 3 to be precise, and whether or not we had tag partners is beside the point. Of course, Robbie will cling to that strand, the tag partner detail, like he's hungrily and desperately tryin' to suck free that last fat mushy noodle o' Chef Boyardee Spaghetti from between Blue's lips. Cling for dear life like how he always has to hold the too-damn-doughy-to-click unsecured seatbelt across his gut with one hand while he drives. Cling...like the best of wet dreams he has...winnin' a tug-o-war in a taffy factory and laughin' at the kids like a bowlful o' "f[BEEP]ck you" while he stuffs his face and the children starve." The audience laughs. "Yes, we're discovering Robbie Bourbon is a disrespectful, oppressive, education and child hatin' man. Anyway, this is the second time he and I are set to compete against one another, the two of us are a draw as opponents regardless of tag partners so...bada bing: Caedus-Bourbon II."

"Wow man, even _I_ can count to _two_. Facist idiot."

"Number _three_ on the list:"

Top 5 Botches Bourbon Made
1.
2.
3. So Much Chaos
4. Arithmadick
5. Identity Crisis

"SO MUCH CHAO-S!"
"SO MUCH CHAO-S! What's this one mean, Jim?"

"This was the ENTIRE and entirely unwise subject o' this rappin' Moos Brothers' John Bedouchey bitch's man-cave "Retraction" shoot. He took the low-road like the undulating gelatinous afterbirth he is, throwin' shade on the pitiable Chris Chaos like everyone else, braggin' on the fact he's beaten Chris twice."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem, Wayne, is he thinks that detail means he's better than me when I've beaten Chris Chaos twice as well! What's this over-inflated Gaycy's Day parade float smokin'? He says Chris avoids HIM but is "ready for (me) though". Hard to believe when Chaos has been heard in a handful o' recent promos statin' how "Caedus has (his) number"."

"So what you're saying then, Jim, is if Robbie Bourbon's apparent assumption that promos win matches is accurate, he would have just wasted his third like he did his first spouting the nonsensical ramblings of the _insane_."

"Yeah, talk about "Mental"."

"That's correct, Wayne. Fortunately for Robbie, he IS insane and I'll still hafta physically manhandle that human manwich in order to win our main event contest. Unfortunately for all of US, Robbie has revealed yet another nightmarish aspect to his personality. Not only have we proven he has no respect for the XWF as a whole and is a child-hating, book burnin' Nazi but we've also uncovered the fact, in his targeting and referencing o' Chaos as a threat towards me that he's a bully. Yes, Robbie Bourbon is a bully."

My fans boo.

"I know, I know...THIS is to whom the livelihood of your viewing children has been entrusted in lieu o' parenting? A guy tellin' the kids with some warped flipside dark-Hogan catch-phrasing: Don't try, don't learn, don't joke and bully eachother...is not only an employee of XWF but the number one contender for the Universal Championship?? Somethin' must be done. I've posted a petition online, FIRE ROBBIE BOURBON. Please, fans of the XWF, contracted talent...do the right thing and strip this man of the stage he so thoroughly abuses in poisoning the minds of the young and spitting on the very fabric with which our pinnacle promotion is woven. Together we can fire Robbie Bourbon."

My fans applaud while our shared fans laugh and the Bourbonites boo.

"Number TWO on the List:"

Top 5 Botches Bourbon Made
1.
2. All You Need Is Love
3. So Much Chaos
4. Arithmadick
5. Identity Crisis

"ALL YOU NEED IS LO-VE!"
"ALL YOU NEED IS LO-VE! I don't think you mean the iconic song, Jim."

"No I don't Wayne; All You Need Is Love spotlights the second largest flubberf[BEEP]ckup this Professor Dump dookie'd out. He said somethin' to the effect of: "no one cared that you left but you, Jim.". I retort with, oh really? Shall we viddy?"

::XWF EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE::

R A D I C A L (09-15-2017 at 01:54 AM)
"What is this crap about not being good anymore? Suck it up. Before I have to be the assh[BEEP]le that says you are."

KimAnderson (09-17-2017 at 04:03 PM)
"Hope you decide to stick around as you are one of my favorite wrestlers here in XWF and one of the best looking too."

::Audience sexy "ooooooooooooooos" at that::

"Oh here's a good one!"

James Raven (9-16-2017 at 10:38 PM)
"Jim Caedus threw a temper tantrum and quit. I haven't been around for about a week or two, so I don't know why, but I know that in the long run he'll regret it. Therefore in the interest of the bigger picture, I make the following announcement:

If Jim Caedus retires from the XWF so does James Raven. I will give the Universal title to Robbie Bourbon, Chris Chaos, or whoever management chooses to book me against... I will job every match I'm booked in until the end of time... but unless that mother f[BEEP]cker mans up and returns to the company that he's synonymous with, James Raven is done "Forevermore".

If he steps up, we're coming for the Kings. I will prioritize that over the Universal title, and we WILL be tag team champions, and we WILL t[BEEP]g-team the Sugay sisters until they tap out or gag for oxygen... whatever comes first. Regardless, we'll be wearing the tag gold when it happens.

I'm not afraid of Bourbon.

I'm not afraid of Chaos.

I'm not afraid of Theo or Doc.

I'm afraid of Caedus giving up on himself too early. I'm afraid of a true legend not allowing itself to be told."

::Raucous applause::

"F[BEEP]ck man...James Raven is all class and I don't give a s[BEEP]it who says any different. Oh but THIS...THIS is my favorite piece of evidence..."

Robbie Bourbon (9-17-2017 at 8:38 AM)
"I'm shocked that Jim Caedus is considering retirement. I'll still lay every one of my Xbux down on the guy in a match against 100% of the roster. Even against me. I'll throw the match and make a bundle!"

::END EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE::

I mock wiping a tear.

"And those are just the sentiments I can share without violating backstage trust or PG-13 restrictions."

"People sure seemed to care you'd stepped away man."

"Includin', oddly enough, two tons o' contradictory cupcake constrictor in Robbie Bourbon. Yet suddenly, _the things he says_! Oh sure, he had to inject that lil' rib at the end for laughs but that isn't because he was tryna be cute, it's because he's an egomaniac. And he didn't just go on official record to claim the complete opposite because he changed his mind, it's because he's a liar AND an egomaniac. So what's the score here? Robbie Bourbon is-" I count off on my fingers. "-an XWF degrading, facist comic-attitude-claiming, child hating 3-Rs-raping, bully making, narcissistic self-deifying liar. Again, the petition is FIRE ROBBIE BOURBON. I know we can count on your votes."

"And FINALLY...number ONE on the List:"

Top 5 Botches Bourbon Made
1. Take My Wife, Please
2. All You Need Is Love
3. So Much Chaos
4. Arithmadick
5. Identity Crisis

"TAKE MY WIFE, PLEA-SE!"
"TAKE MY WIFE, PLEA-SE! Jim...don't tell me Robbie Bourbon snaked your foxy lady?"

I hesitate.

"Well..."foxy" is hardly how I'd describe Holly, Wayne. She was..."

"A butterface?"

"Big boned?" He snickers, squinting, pushing wig locks behind his ear again.

"Big boned. We'll say that. That ain't the catch here however. Beyond the fact he was tryna make me look foolish by exhibiting infidelity via ignorin' how much ass I've been slayin' for the last few months on hook-up sites before Tala came along, that mudslingin' mound o' motherf[BEEP]ckin' Marjory the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock said Holly "left (me) for brighter prospects"."

"She cheated on you man? That's low."

::Boooooo!::

"Actually, as I found out a few months ago when the San Bernadino Sheriff Department returned her belongings used in the investigation, yes she _was_ cheatin' on me. But that still ain't the catch."

"Investigation, Jim?"

"The investigation to determine whether it was an accident or foul play. See...my wife didn't leave me or our four year old daughter Amethyst...she burned alive. They both did. Freak accident trailer fire."

::Mike and Dana go quiet. The audience, those who aren't nodding knowingly or gasping utter a sincere heartbreaking "awwww"::

"That's right. Holly didn't leave, she died. Robbie knows this, as it's been well documented in promo here, he just chose to point out a much LESSER known detail of my and Holly's relationship in that she was a cheater in the end. And do you know why?"

"Why man?"

"Because Holly was cheatin' on me with HIM!!"

::Shock throughout the studio::

"That's right, that despicable sunuvab[BEEP]tch was cheatin' on his self-proclaimed beloved Blue, the light of his life, with the MOTHER OF MY CHILD, MY WIFE."

::BOOOOOOOO!::

"I say string 'im up, man!"

"Just look at this text I saved!"

::OVERHEAD MONITOR TEXT DISPLAY::

August 3 2016
12:03 PM from [number blurred]

This morning was fun, sorry had to run, but Blue's showers end at a quarter to 1. I wish you'd leave Jimmy, he's jobless and sucks. I'd leave Blue for you but she's got both my nuts. I thank you fair lady, for treating them right. Not too much suction, never too tight. Please tell me when I can see you again. Forever yours, your fat furry friend. ...The end.

::BOOOOOOOO!!::

"MmmmmHM. 'Course, Holly's response-"

::OVERHEAD MONITOR TEXT DISPLAY::

August 3 2016
12:13 PM from [number blurred]

Ew. Stop. I was drunk out of my mind and for some reason I thought you were Jonah Hill with dyed hair for some redhead role. And for some reason I found that attractive at the time. But I don't. You have a small d

ck and your rhyming is creepy. Never text me again.

::END DISPLAY::

::Laughter::

"-was less than a positive review but that doesn't change the fact that Robbie Bourbon has now been revealed to be an XWF-sh[BEEP]ittin'-upon, mein!-personality who farts at education, seekin' to poison the minds of children with 'is set examples o' bullying, intolerance and dishonesty all while committing adultery, wreckin' strugglin'-though-wholesome American family units and _probably_ takin' the g[BEEP]ddamn Lord's name in vain too. Robbie Bourbon is evil. He's one o' the worst "human beings" on the planet. But wait...there's more..."

::FOOTAGE PLAYBACK::

"...when you're left hung on the posts of a Punjabi Prison, ounce after ounce of hot, fresh, red blood oozing and dripping down twenty feet to the ring from the wreckage of wood I leave as I slide down a pole..."

::END FOOTAGE::

"Robbie just said he'd be wreckin' this hung stud's complimentarily described 20 foot d[BEEP]ck. He actually said it."

"Well-" He glances at Myers. "-it didn't...really...sound like that at _all_ man. It sounded like-"

"Trust me, Garth. I _know_ Robbie Bourbon and 'is wicked ways o' weird sodomy-borne pleasures. He was sayin' he was gonna make me f[BEEP]ck 'im bloody. And in 'is "Retraction" vignette he called me "great taste, less filling". And still...there's yet one final piece to this puzzle. We've seen the Top 5 but this is the grand prize. I've been receivin' text messages from a woman callin' 'erself Capri. Text messages describing a cheated-upon lover and all the nasty violent ways she wishes to collect revenge with as many food metaphors or analogies or what the f[BEEP]ck ever as you can shake a salami at. Violence...sex...and food. Just. Like. Robbie. Bourbon. And who is this mystery woman? What is the identity I attained for the low low price of $1.99 for a one week test drive with phone tracer and had confirmed as her very number? Capri...equals...Blue."

::Myers and Carvey exchange wary shrugs::

"Robbie is supreme evil, a waste of flesh, an XWF-spiting, fascist, kid killing, über-arrogant, lying, bullying, adulterer. But Blue and Robbie Bourbon together...are psychopaths o' the highest order...they want to f[BEEP]ck me then eat me. Period."

::The audience explodes with sustained laughter and applause::

"No, WAIT! IT'S NOT A JOKE!!"

"That's all the time we have tonight-"

"WAIT!"

"We'd like to thank our special guest-"

"I figured out your plot Bourbon! I won't let you do it!"

"-Jim Caedus of the XWF-"

"For the greater good of the XWF-"

"-for stopping by-"

"-for the fans, the children and most of all for ME-"

"-and always remember: Be excellent to eachother!"

"-I WILL put an end to your unprofessional, oppressive, youthcist, bullyin', self-laudin', lyin', cheatin', gay cannibal murderer ass!"

"Be excellent to eachother? Isn't that Rufus from Bill 'n Ted you idiot?"

"G'night folks!"

"Even if it's a scam and a trap, Bourbsy, you're DEA-"

::STATIC::

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Don't Believe the Hype
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