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Can't You Trip Like I Do?
09-12-2017, 06:52 PM
Post: #1
We'll forgive you for being a little confused by this one, but then again I guess if you made it through your average Jim Caedus shoot you're probably thinking confusion and disorientation is par for the course. The shot pans across what looks to be a movie lot. All the little people nobody gives a shit about who come together to make that movie magic scurry hither and yon. Two such inscrutables pass by you wheeling the backdrop to a set....a set that looks strangely similar to Madison Dyson's kitchen.

And there, another familiar sight, Madison's car which Engy and vice president Mike Pence absconded with but two short months ago to fight Larpers.

What the hell is going on here?


Oh hello there....

The camera stops panning as one of those folding director's type chairs comes into view. The man seated in the chair casually turns around, throwing an elbow over the back and gifting you with a winning smile.

...I'm master thespian Doug Hutchison. You may remember me as the mean prison guard from The Green Mile, or the creepy stretchy guy from the X-Files. But more recently you may know me from my time portraying The Engineer on XWF programming.

Wat.

Oh yes! It's true! I know it may come as a shock to many of you, but The Engineer was just another one of my cinematic creations.

WAT.

Yessir, created right here on this very sound stage. And it would have worked if it wasn't for that meddling Jim Caedus. Seriously though Jim, kind of a dick move. I haven't been able to land a solid gig since I married that 16 year old with the huge cans and now I find the rug ripped right out from under me. Go fuck yourself.

Doug gets up out of the chair and starts traversing the soundstage. Another familiar backdrop can be seen in the distance, Madison's den, also the site of some recent Engy promo's.

But it was good while it lasted. I mean, it took almost 5 months before anyone caught on that I was a normally functioning guy playing an imbecile. As far as I'm concerned, that shows I still got it! And okay, maybe that whole “comatose acid trip journey of self discovery thing” was a bit on the nose....

We hear some commotion from off camera, some scuffling in the distance, followed by someone plaintively shouting, ”NO, he's lying! MY LIFE IS REAL!”

Doug shakes his head.


Sorry folks, just another one of my stalkers. Where was I? Ah, yes. Jim, I'm terribly sorry my attempt at doing something interesting did not meet your exacting standards of what constitutes realistic drug abuse. However, I refuse to apologize for trying to add a touch of narrative je ne se qois to a place that was overrun with dull, pedantic narcissism futilely trying to masquerade as engaging television. I am, after all, an ARTIST.

Behind Doug, we see a gaggle of security guards trying to hold Engy down. Doug reaches the craft services table and proceeds to grab the corners of the table cloth. He brings all the edges together and lifts it up, capturing all the food in a convenient knapsack a la Yogi Bear stealing the contents of a Jellystone picnic. Doug shoots a disdainful look at the camera.

Don't you fucking judge me, I don't know when I'm going to eat again!

Unfortunately for Doug, so fixated on the food is he that he fails to notice Engy has broken free of the guards and is running right at him. Engy crashes into Doug, sending the food everywhere. They both tumble over the table,causing it to buckle and splinter beneath their weight. Engy starts furiously punching Doug in the face as he froths with rage.

MY LIFE IS REAL ASSHOLE!

Madison Dyson steps into view of the camera as the security guards race over to peel Engy off of Doug.

Alright, alright relax Engy. Joke's over. You're still real.

Engy, still being restrained, starts to slow his breathing and return to a state of calm. Doug, splattered with finger sandwiches and various cheese spreads, awkwardly pulls himself to his feet.

I want my money. In fact, I want extra for getting my ass kicked.

Madison drags out a sigh as she opens her purse, pulls out a wad of ones and hands them over to Doug.

By the way, congrats on Sharknado 7.

Suck a prolapsed anus.

Doug walks away, counting his stripper's bounty. Engy mean mugs him the whole time. Eventually, Madison nods to the security guards indicating they can let him go.

Madison, what the fuck is going on? Why was that guy saying my life isn't real?

Follow me to my trailer. All shall be explained.

Later....


Ok, so you said all would be explained when we got to your trailer? What the hell is going on?

We are indeed in Madison's trailer, and all will indeed be explained.

Relax, relax. I was ribbing Jim for his last promo.

So what is all this movie stuff for?!

Fox is shooting a docudrama on my experiences managing you in the XWF. That guy you beat up is Doug Hutchison and he's going to play you.

He doesn't look anything like me. Am I getting a cut of this action?

....yes?

She says uncertainly.

Cool.

So anyway...Jim Caedus huh? Looks like he finally crawled back on the wagon long enough to realize he had a match. Before falling right back off it again.

Engy drops his head into his hands, rubbing away the pain in his temples.

Maybe it's all the chemicals racin' around my head right now, but Jim made my brain hurt real bad.

It's ok, his promos have that effect on lots of people. Thankfully, I have a machine that can translate Jim Caedus promo transcripts into regular English.

Madison pulls out a stack of papers, the cover sheet of which says “Jim Caedus Drug Induced Bipolar Manic Diatribe #779.” She then produces a shredder and dumps the whole goddamn thing inside. Engy lets out a relaxed whoosh of breath to the bzzzzz of complete dogshit being obliterated.

I feel better already.

But jokes aside Jim, I had a crack team of linguistics grad students and cultural anthropologists working damn near round the clock piecing that shitshow together. One of them hung himself in the closet of his motel room. His suicide note was just a picture of you with frantically scribbled question marks all over it. Poor bastard. But long story short Engy, I WAS able to figure out what he was saying and unfortunately I have brought along some audio clips....

NO PLEASE GOD NO!

We have to Engy! Did you see how fucked up he was? He probably doesn't even remember what he said.

Engy whines pitifully.

First clip, por favor.

Replay:THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM A JIM CAEDUS PROMO

Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub
Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub
Yo da dub dub

Hmmmm....yes Jim, I think we can all agree that it was vitally important to generating heat for this match that we find out you enjoy preserving your girlfriends vaginal secretions in your facial hair. Hmmmmm, yes.

Sometimes I luck out and find Dorito dust in mine. Other times it's just lice.

Replay:THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM A JIM CAEDUS PROMO


Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda 
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope

Yes Jim, it is rather telling that all it took to get you racing back into the arms of hard core drug abuse was a promo you didn't like. It's like that “I can't go to bed, someone is wrong on the internet” meme writ LARGE. I can picture it now Jim, there you are watching Engy sleepily recount his semi-comatose delusions as the pure unadulturated rage kicks in. “GODAMMIT TALA, SOMEBODY IS WRONG ABOUT DRUG ABUSE AND NOW I JIM “KING OF DRUGS” CAEDUS SHALL SET THIS FRAUD STRAIGHT!” So then you go racing to that little black book that you swore you burned years ago to all two people who give any shits that you're still alive, but were actually keeping just in case somebody some day didn't accurately depict chasing the dragon correctly and you had to prove them wrong (WINK! WINK!).

And then you jeopardize God knows how much time's worth of sobriety, your career, and your relationship, all to prove that an idiot might be lying in a wrestling promo.


Well, when you put it like that....

Yeah, sounds REAL retarded, doesn't it? Speaking of which....

Replay:THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM A JIM CAEDUS PROMO

[Image: 1998633077-1316973582003.jpg]

Hmmmm, could Engy be faking his mental retardation? Jimbo seems to think so.

Jim, do you know how many goddamn days I've woken up WISHING I was faking this shit?

Hey Jim, check this. If you get to be all knowing about putting dangerous chemicals in your body, then I get to be all knowing about the topic of dealing with retards. When I first signed on to be Engy's gaurdian, the state made me take an inservice on “developmental disabilities” (that's what people who aren't assholes call retards). At first, I was planning to shack up with Prince Valium and sleep right through that shit, but honestly I ended up being kinda intrigued despite myself at the sheer variety of retards that exist in the world. I mean, just look at autistics. You ever see Rain Man? Some of these fuckers have photographic memories but can't even tie their own shoes. Some of them can recite entire books from memory word for word but still haven't mastered wiping their asses. And you know what, shit gets even weirder when you start talking about traumatic brain injuries, which is what Engy has.

I don't remember how I hurt my brain, but I really hope it was doing something fucking SWEET while having lots of sex and firing an assault rifle.

I'm gonna take an outside shot at “no” on that one good buddy, but here's my point. There is literally no end to the variations of retardation that can occur when somebody has a busted brain. Why, they talked about one guy who was left completely normal aside from the fact that he could no longer recognize human faces. Or another guy who was a-ok except for the fact that he was rendered completely mute. Shit, some people even lose half their brains and lose no functioning whatsoever. But my point is this, is it REALLY that hard to believe, given the science behind myriad kinds of traumatic brain injuries, that Engy could retain competencies in some areas but not others? The answer Jim, is an emphatic NO.

Now just in case you were confused because I wasn't talking like I was gargling a Thesaurus' cock just now, here's another one for ya. Are you honestly trying to make the argument that Engy possibly faking his stupidity makes him LESS dangerous? I mean, what's the end game of that insipid, meandering point that you were trying to make? That somebody who is willing to utterly humiliate himself on the daily just to gain a slight edge on his opponents isn't somebody to fear? That somebody who is bat shit INSANE enough to commit to pretending to be an idiot for 6 years of a professional wrestling career just to trick people into lowering their guard is a sane and safe human being to get in a fight with?

No, Jim. Contrary to your narcissistic assertions that you have worked us into some kind of logical trap, all you've really done is show exactly why I brought this fucker under my wing in the first place.

Engy, EAR MUFFS.


But whyyyyyy?

Because mama bear needs to transmit secret codes to the Russians right now.

Engy grumbles and covers his ears with his hands.

Can you hear me?

Yes, wait NO!

Ear muff HARDER!

With an exasperated groan he further presses his palms against the side of his head.

My Little Pony sucks. Engy is a closeted homosexual. Engy's King of the Ring victory doesn't really count.

Madison pauses to see if he reacts, and confident that he truly cannot hear her, she continues.

I'm gonna level with you Jim, I had the same questions about Engy's mental capacity that you did when I first met him. I thought there was a chance he could be faking. I'll do you one more, I'm honest to supply side Jesus still not 100% sure he's actually retarded. I mean, there's SOMETHING wrong with him, I have zero doubts about that. But retarded?

Madison looks at Engy curiously before returning her gaze to the camera.

He definitely does a lot of truly stupid shit, true. But every once in a while, I'll catch something in his eyes. Some....I'm not quite sure what it is. Animalistic intelligence? Some hint of something dark and terrible below the surface. A barely restrained level of horrific violence that thus far has mercifully stayed leashed. Sorry to wax poetic like some kind of faggy lib arts major, but I don't know how else to do it justice. And the real kicker? It scares me. It legit sends a shiver up my spine knowing that I don't know all of what Engy is truly capable of.

Madison's expression bares a glimmer of nervous excitement.

And that “known unknown”, the fact that I CANNOT entirely wrap my head around him or what he's really about, is precisely what drew me to him in the first place. I mean really Jim, if he was just another Corky from Life Goes On, do you think I would have given him the time of day? Don't be stupid. I know it's hard. But try.

Madison signals that Engy can remove his ear muffs and he does so.

Now I wanna talk about something! PLAY THE DUMBASS CLIP OF HIM SHITTING ON MY KING OF THE RING WIN!

Replay:THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM A JIM CAEDUS PROMO

“Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” 

I thought you didn't understand him?

I took a guess that Jim would be enough of a fuckwad to take a sludgy diarrhea dump all over my happiness too. Well, well, well....look who just scored minus five creativity points for HUFFLEPUFF! Turns out my brain damage version of you was right, it's stupid for me to try to be friends with you. I even gave you a big dick and everything. YOU'RE WELCOME!

But yeah, I guess ol' Engy shouldn't be surprised your as big an asshole as The Kings. Joinin' that ever growin' dickhead parade of haters sayin' that I ain't a king and won't never be one. That make ya feel good, Jim? Knowin' that your lumped in the same group as Theo and Vinnie and all them other schemin' nutless shits who want to tear a man down for bustin' his ass and doin' his best? You act like I picked who I fought in that tour-ma-ment Jim! You act like I ducked Dolly and Doc to steal that shit! If their asses wanted it that bad, they coulda signed up just like I did, but they didn't and I WON! So what should I do Jim, give up my crown just 'cuz those lamers didn't show? You want me to give it up? I want an answer Jim, should I give up somethin' I fought for just 'cuz a who I fought for it?!

It's real sad though....real sad. I was gonna ask you to help me get my crown back from The Kings. And I know Robbie liked ya a lot too, liked ya enough for you to be his first through fifth picks for Raven's Motherfucker slot. It's kinda like findin' out your favorite movie star likes givin' reach arounds to gay midget hookers in a Detroit trap house for crack rock. But I ain't judgin' what lengths you was willin' to go to to get drugs, Jim.


Madison laughs maliciously.

BOOM! Dunked on by a possible retard! But Engy has stumbled onto what exactly makes this whole “Engy didn't earn it” argument so impossibly stupid. I mean, if we apply a bit of reductive reasoning to this...and I use the term as loose as Kris Kruze's anus.... “logic” does anyone's win mean anything? Think about it. If only beating a certain select few gives a victory any credence whatsoever, then what the fuck does that mean for the majority of people's victories?

“Oh, wow, you've got a 37 and 4 record? Well, I'm sorry to inform you that any of those 37 wins that were not against XWF Greatest wrestler of all time Steve Jason simply do not matter because beating anything less than the very best is irrelevant.”


I beat Steve Jason.

That was a DIFFERENT Steve Jason in another fed so he doesn't kayfabe exist here. But do you guys see what I mean about why that's such a moronic argument? Do you? No? Jim...are you still with us? Oh dear, I think Jim OD'ed again.

That guy needs some serious help!

I agree. Let's turn this man's life around, Engy.

Madison reaches up to grab the camera and it fizzles out into static.

More later-er


We return on the interior of a lobby somewhere, and judging by it's sterile nature and the fact that it looks like every hospital waiting room ever it's likely at some sort of medical facility. Engy and Madison come racing through the automatic double doors, each of them on one side of a clattering gurney. A large mass is on the gurney underneath a white sheet.

The nurse at the front desk quirks an eyebrow as she approaches.


Can I help you?

Our friend did drugs real bad! You guys do the detoxes, right?

We do, and good lord is he under that sheet?! Why didn't you call an ambulance?

The nurse races around the desk and casts back the sheet. She scowls at what's underneath it: a giant inflatable dick with Jim Caedus' face taped to it.

I do not find this funny.

Neither do we! His name is Jim and he needs serious help. He turned to drugs to drown out the pain of how much his family hates him and now he spends all his time cutting needlessly wordy try hard promo's and getting really pissed when somebody inaccurately portrays his beloved drugs wrong on the wrestling promo channel.

Engy winces.

His brains are really, really bad.

I'm calling security.

Madison tips over the gurney.

Run!

I'm gonna grab a snack first. Catch ya later.

Whatever! But if your ass goes to jail again your first phone call better not be to me.

Madison runs back out the door. Engy starts casually sauntering down the hallway.

Hey guys, don't think I forgot about that crazy cliff hanger ending to my last promo! Hoo boy, it was a doozy, wasn't it! Bet ya'all were on the edge of your seat! Are ya ready for the big reveal? IS ENGY STILL ENGY?! OR WAS I TAKEN OVER BY AN ANCIENT PAGAN DEMI-GOD OF SLAUGHTER?!

I'm gonna let you fill in your own dramatic drum beat, we've really busted the budget on this one so far. Doug Hutchinson is pricier than he looks.

Well the answer is.....!

Engy stops at a vending machine just as the hospital security guards run right past him.

....I'm still just regular Engy!

Ta-da! He feeds a crinked up dollar bill into the machine.

Sorry if that's a big old disappointment and you was hopin' I was in for some big personality change or some shit like that. But I decided I was ok just bein' me for now, ya know?

Engy's snack is ejected and clunks down to the bottom of the machine.

Or maybe that's just what I want ya ta think! Shit, maybe Jim's right and I was never 'tarded at all!

Engy retrieves his snack: a big bright red juicy apple. He considers it for a moment before taking a bite out of it. He rolls the flavor around his mouth, really savoring it.

Either way, I'm sure you'll be ready for me at Warfare. Eh, Jimbo?

Engy takes another big healthy bite of the apple before smirking and walking off screen. Then, from off screen we hear a squeaking sound followed by a crash.

WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS TRIANGLE OVER THIS PUDDLE?! HOW WAS I 'SPOSED TO SEE THE FLOOR WAS WET?!

Oh, Engy.


[Image: 9QBn3eQ.jpg]

Props to Michael Graves for the banner!



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