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I Will Out Work You
09-10-2017, 09:05 PM
Post: #1
The Big Kahuna begins another set of standing curls at a small gym just outside Los Angeles. He hits 5 reps on his second set and lays down the dumbells.

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The Big Kahuna: I got the call. I'm getting my shot.

Kahuna grabs a towel draped across the end of the bench he's near and pats down some sweat across his forehead and eyes.

Kahuna: Now that I'm booked on Savage to start the cleanup effort, Los Angeles is the new base of operations. I know my girls in Monterey will miss me...but I've been in good hands with the lovely ladies of Los Angeles.

Kahuna's face slowly turns disgusted - as disgusted as his gorgeous face can possibly get, at least.

Kahuna: And unfortunately, my work here is needed more than ever. I had the disgusting misfortune to again have ring-side seats to last night's Savage action. And all I can say is...severed heads now?! This is what my sport has come to? When did it stop being enough to challenge a man, and kick his ass in the ring?

A new era of wrestling begins in the XWF this Saturday. I've already heard people using words like "revitalization" and "renaissance". I know the fans deserve it. They deserve to see championship level wrestling from bell to pin, match after match. And that's what they will get, starting with my opening match on Saturday Night against Michael McBride.


Kahuna is finally able to crack a grin, getting over the disgraceful antics of a great number of his XWF wrestling contemporaries.

Kahuna: I think Michael McBride as my first opponent here in the XWF tells us all we need to know about how big the target on my back is. First, there were women fighting over me. Now we have washed up has-beens coming out of retirement just to get a shot at me! McBride thinks he can take two months off, walk out of the nearest pub, and stand one measly ounce of a chance against me?!?

Mikey, I'll give you some credit, you aren't as fucked in the head as a lot of your fellow wrestlers here. But you're every bit as shameless. And just as much of a disgrace. It's not a shocker you couldn't bare to show your face on a XWF card after that tag-team performance in July. And what's worse, you and Gilmour couldn't even take the loss like men!


Kahuna reaches to the ground for his bottle of water and takes a large drink, giving a "But that's none of my business" look as he does so.

Kahuna: The criminally insane. The lazy. The cowards. They fill up this federation. But you're different. You are unique, Mickey. You have somehow managed to combine those three disgusting qualities into a Frankenstein disaster of a wrestler. Just look at the way you treat your body. Your lungs are blacker than John Samuels. Your liver is more riddled with disease than the Bombshell divisions' pussies!

But...This body here...


Kahuna takes a moment to look down at himself, in his sweaty splendor. He moves his arms down slowly, with his elbows bent, his hands flat, displaying his body. He takes a special moment around his crotch region, near a bulge of indiscriminate length. Really, time sped up for a second there and you couldn't get any general size information. It doesn't matter anyway.

Kahuna: Is a temple. And you McBride, are an unworthy worshipper.

It's bad enough to inflict harm on yourself like you do, but I dare you to try that smoking in the ring shit with me on Saturday. I will shove that burning cancer-stick so far up your ass, smoke is gonna be comin outta your belly button! Defile your own body, in your own space. Better yet, show up Saturday night and I'll take care of the defiling for you, free of charge.


Kahuna walks to part of the gym that has a wall of mirrors. The gym has been cleared out for some time now. Kahuna stops in front of the mirrors, almost lost in thought. He turns to look at his reflection.

Kahuna: The challenge, the obstacles...they're all laid out, all there in front of me. And the truth is, I won't out crazy you McBride..or most of the Clown Posse members we have running around in this fed. But just know that I will always out-work you. You're out drinking Irish Car Bombs? I'll be training. You're out making literal Irish Car Bombs? I'll be training.

I hate to go so soon Michael, but I did write a little Irish limerick for you, in the spirit of your culture.


Kahuna digs into his gym shorts and takes out a small piece of paper with a poem on it.

Kahuna: I hope you like it. Ahheemm...

There once was a man from Wicklow

Whose wrestling career was a shit-show

He tucked his tail to hide

Did this little McBride

But I'll pin his ass on Savage in one go


Kahuna takes the piece of paper and crams it back into his gym shorts.

Kahuna: You will soon understand, Mikey my boy, that your ever loosening grip on reality will be your end. You'll need more than two-months to recover when I'm done with you.

Kahuna slowly meanders over to the sauna rooms area of the gym as the main weight-room lights flicker off.
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