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John Samuels · (09-08-2017)

Well, well, well. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the Get-Fuk'd Marshmallow Man ignored me like he does suggested serving sizes. I stood right in this very sport and I warned him about what was going to happen to be if he dragged his slobby ass into the ring with me on Saturday night. And like the eventual self inflicted gunshot wound that will mercifully end his pathetic existence, it went in one ear and right out the other.

So, I've enlisted some help. I have scored an exclusive sit-down with the last man to victimize Barney Green: Chris Chaos.

Hello Chris, thank you for joining me.

The camera pans over to a directors chair. In the chair is a large pile of animal feces with a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses on.

First things first Chris: As someone on the same level, talent-wise, as Barney Green what area do you see as my biggest weakness that Barney could capitalize on?

The camera pans over to the pile of the shit, and then back to Samuels.

"No weakness whatsoever? I wish I could say I was surprised but lets be real here: Barney Green's tenure in the XWF is the equivalent of David Rice Atchinson's presidental term. Sure, technically it exists but it's nothing to be celebrated. If anything, it's a fucked up little footnote crammed away in the annals of who-gives-a-fuck, the only purpose it could possibly serve is as an obscure trivia question at a mid-west dive bar. Next question, Chris:

How do mediocre piles of shit like you and Barney prepare for matches like this? You know, the ones you know you can't win.

The camera pans over to the pile of the shit, and then back to Samuels.

"Oh so he's literally shitting himself in fear just like you did when you had to face me? Interesting. I imagine all of that tough talk is his fight-or-flight response being so sick of existing only in a plane of dead brain cells and trans fats that it's outright mutinying against his common sense. I can see thinking that he was going to beat you, Chris, in the leadup to your match. I mean no disrespect when I say I'd trust Lorraine Bobbitt to shave my genitals before I trusted you to win a match against anyone with an IQ above that of a sea cucumber. But me? I'm #18 on the all time XWF list, and anyone with two working eyeballs can see that that number is much too low.

Chris, next question. Barney likes to use literal weapons against his opponent like the thumbstacks that will be involved in the match. As someone who uses figurative weapons--such as boring your opponent into submission and being so egregiously terrible that they allow you a pity win, how deep into my bag of tricks will I need to go to put Barney away?

The camera pans over to the pile of the shit, and then back to Samuels.

"Well that's reassuring, I was hoping this would be something I could emerge from using minimal effort. What's that you say? He claims that his heart is his biggest strength? Not a cardiologist in the world would agree with that assessment, I'm sure many would marvel at how he's still able to pump enough blood to that underdeveloped brain of his long enough to completely embarrass himself in the promos leading up to his match. The only strength of Barney's is the ability to make the rest of the bottom of the XWF roster, 'The Chaos tier', look like they're capable of doing something someday.

Not you Chris, that ship has sailed, burned and sunk. We need stepping stones like you filling out the bottom of the roster so that when these new guys come in they have a couple of assured victims.

But I digress.

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