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John Samuels · (09-08-2017)

Barney, Barney, Barney.

I cannot fucking believe I'm taking time away from laying around in my hammock with a Shirley Temple to address the linguistic miscarriage that just dribbled out of your pre-cancerous mouth. I don't normally do shitty retort-styled promos like this, I leave that uninspired garbage to secondary players like James Raven, but this match is going to be such a fucking layup that I see absolutely no reason to put any effort into it.

"Barney Said:I may have lost to Chris Chaos but I went the distance.

That's like kissing your sister, if your sister is a herpes-riddled, underage sex slave in need of a Valtrex/Plan B cocktail.

There's no 'but' there, Barney. If you lose to Chris Chaos you don't deserve to say another word. You deserve to hang your head in shame. Matter of fact, why not just hang that used up diabetes vessel of yours from a very, very, strongly rooted tree? Losing to the XWF's resident non-talent should've signaled to you that whatever level of talent you *think* you possessed, has passed by--unlike your red blood cells that are desperately attempting to squeeze past your LDL cholesterol. And I'll be goddamned if you don't start saying the same shit in your next match, after I bury your ass in the center of that ring.

"I may have lost to John Samuels but--"

No. Don't you dare, not for one second, think that you're going to take me anywhere near the distance. Whatever happens in our match, you need to know that it will happen because I say so. If I feel like burying you in the first five seconds, I will. If I want to toy with you until your already barely functioning innards start to fail, that's my prerogative.

"Barney Said:I have been doing this a long but sooner or later, You will get caught exposed. I have gotten caught exposed with my two-inch dick out in the open. You can throw that rock at me and try to hide your hand but everything comes out eventually. Now is my time to do what I gotta do to survive.

What the fuck!? Did you just try to talk your way through a stroke? How have you been medically cleared to compete in the ring? You should be on a leash somewhere with a Wal-Mart skateboard helmet on, yelling about wanting more Teddy Grahams in your piss-stained Wolverine underwear. The only thing you're capable of exposing is my disdain for portly imbeciles who air their own dirty laundry in a lazy attempt to preempt ridicule. Do you think telling the whole world you have a two inch penis somehow exempts me from pointing out that your body composition is remarkably similar to a Ken doll melted around a wadded up jockstrap? You even smell like singed pubic hair and Chinese plastic. Riddle me this: How is it that despite having only one fucking eyeball, we can still tell it's lazy? For fuck's sake, you should only be able to spot a lazy eye when there's another one right next to it for comparison. Even though that barren socket in the side of your face only serves as Madison's urinal, the other one is just as hilarious to look at. The facial situation you have going on there--it's fucked, man.

"Barney Said:I am the most dangerous person that you will ever face.

-NeoNero
-Mr. Satellite
-Steve Davids
-Sid Feder
-Poppa Feder
-James Raven
-Luca Arzegotti
-Theo Pryce
-Eli James
-Vinnie Lane
-Thaddeus Duke

Those are just a FRACTION of the names I've faced around here. A fuckin' murderer's row. And you know the real kicker? With the exception of Arzegotti not one of them can say they've ever beaten me. But you? You're the most dangerous person I'll ever face? I'd literally be in more danger if I were wrapped in bubble wrapped and napped under a blanket made of softly purring kittens. I don't know where you got the idea that you were anyone of merit but I can assure you right now that when it comes to leagues in the XWF, I'm at the very top. And you're in the cellar, marinading in cockroach piss. You want to talk about danger, Barney? Danger is the irresponsible way the company is letting you step into a ring filled with thumbtacks in the first place. Danger is being in that ring across from me.

Danger is hearing that opening bell and not immediately praying to whatever deity cruelly breathed life into your worthless husk, and asking them to stop your overworked heart so you don't have to endure the world class ass whipping that only John Samuels can deliver.

You want to stand around a burger joint, clogging your arteries while wearing your not-even-good-enough-for-jizz-rags 'Green World' shirts, pretending that what you're doing is somehow strategy? Newsflash you brainless clump of porkfat, I don't need to pick you up to hurt you. I don't even need thumbtacks to hurt you. All I need is the desire.

And I've got plenty.

"Barney Said:I remember when I was just a young wrestler residing in Las Vegas, NV. Back then, I had long hair and was a young man at 24 years old entering the ring. Look at me. This young man turned into this over time. A man who wasn't afraid to brawl with the best of them.

That young man turned into a cautionary tale of eating GMOs. This pussified generation of organic, vegan, flute fondlers would probably have a tougher time convincing their caucasian dreadlock'd brethren to adapt their lifestyles if they couldn't point to a poster of a fat

like Barney Green and claim that the effects of pesticides result in this kind of genetic monstrosity. Hell if one of those pickle pullers knocked on my door with a picture of your disgusting ass and a pamphlet about kale salads, I'd be a hemp wearing, tofu eating, microbrew drinking piece of Millenial trash before you could bat an eye.

"Barney Said:I bleed orange, white, and green. The colors of my nation. I will raise the Irish Flag the highest it has ever been raised when I walk down to that ring. There has never been a fight too hard for me to just quit. I could just admit defeat and deal with whatever punishment comes my way but I am not gonna do that.

Uhhhh... I'm no doctor but I think those are your triglycerides seeping out of your pancreas. Why are you shoving more food in your face?

YOU

ARE

DYING

Jesus Christ man. Think of the poor high school kids working behind the counter for minimum wage that would have to try to resuscitate your bloated corpse when you inevitably keel over trying to wash down a normal man's weekly caloric intake with your second Oreo McFlurry. You're going to scar those poor fucking kids for life. Hopefully they'll be smart enough not to attempt CPR because going mouth-to-mouth with the Green cannot be any more pleasant than sipping on a steaming cup of fresh outhouse water. Maybe they'll try to use one of those processed-to-fuck pieces of 'lettuce' as smelling salts, God knows the only thing capable of rescuing you from the brink of certain death is your hilarious aversion to a well balanced diet.

"Barney Said:Good. Bad. I am the guy who is gonna be the one that makes a dent in The Kings™. The four of you have run roughshod over a year keeping the tag titles under lock and keep. Maybe it's time I prove to the world that you are touchable. I am gonna reach out and grab you. It starts with Samuels.

And the award for most unwelcome sexual advance of 2017: Barney Green!

You reach out and try to grab anything on me and I'll do your diabetes' job for it and rip your hand clean off.

But, finally, you've said something we can agree on. We are running shit around here, we have been since we returned and we will until we decide to leave. There's nothing you or anyone else on the roster can do about it, and you fucking know it. You stand around your greasy fast food restaurants, breathing heavily through your tobaccy covered dick pleaser, bitching about a problem you can't even imagine to have a solution to. That's where you belong, Barney. The boys and I are going to just keep on kicking it at the top, because there isn't anybody who can bring us down.

"Barney Said:What are you willing to sacrifice, Samuels?

Apparently my fucking dignity seeing as how I not only bothered to watch your disgustingly boring promo, but also wasted my breath responding to it.

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