BIG SHANK: You're a .

RAVEN: Jesus Christ, can we watch the slurs? It's bad enough I have to deal with that shit in the XWF every day, I don't need it sneaking into my promos too.

BIG SHANK: You just took our lords name in vain. That offends me tremendously.

RAVEN: You're not even religious.

BIG SHANK: I know, but in a general sense the entire concept offends me. Anyways, I don't know if you've noticed but the shit you're putting out this week is a real fucking bummer. I thought I should slip in and break up the daddy drama with something a little lighter, a little more "XWF relevant", you know?

RAVEN: What are you, the GM again? Don't fucking critique me.

BIG SHANK: I'm just saying, this Kropotkin guy's putting up a fight. You're going to have to be on your A-game to beat him, I think.

RAVEN: You really know how to push my buttons, don't you?

BIG SHANK: As if you were a fucking elevator, kid.

RAVEN: Well Kropotnik's not going to do a thing, I promise you that. I saw that same mask for sale at Party City now that the Halloween decorations are up, and even though he wears that stupid jump suit I've seen better physiques in a teenage chemo ward. He couldn't beat me if I was a drum and he had a stick in both hands, he couldn't beat me if he was Ike Turner and I was Tina holding his last rock, he couldn't beat me if I was Conor MacGregor and he was the entire Nevada State Athletic Commission.

BIG SHANK: Come on man, you can be more creative than that. Think outside the box.

RAVEN: Fine. Have you ever heard of e-fedding?

BIG SHANK: No, sounds queer.

RAVEN: It is. It's an online writing contest where players pretend to be wrestlers and compete weekly, winning and losing based on the quality of their submitted work.

BIG SHANK: I've already lost interest. Where are you going with this?

RAVEN: That Kropotnik couldn't beat me if we were e-fedders in a ridiculous match that's rigged in his favor, and I had already lost interest days ago and was throwing shit together last minute while high as fuck and on my sixth beer in two hours. Pretty much just that.

BIG SHANK: The payoff was not worth the journey.

RAVEN: You just don't get it. It's meta. Trust me, people will chuckle and hit the 'like' button.

BIG SHANK: What the fuck are you talking about? What are you doing?

RAVEN: I'm fist-fucking the fourth wall, man. Don't worry about it. Back to Kropotnik.

BIG SHANK: His name is Kropotkin. Don't be disrespectful.

RAVEN: I don't give a shit what his name is, and I mean that with all do disrespect. It's not like his name means anything to begin with. Call him road-kill, or future endeavored, something more appropriate that sends a message peoples can read, you know?

BIG SHANK: 5 out of 10. You can do better.

RAVEN: I don't care to! That's my fucking point! You've already got me spending way more time on this guy than I want to, why the hell should the onus be on me to make it creative? Set me up for something then, Mr. Comedic Genius. Come on, Dustin.

BIG SHANK: Damn, man. Why are you breaking out my slave name?

RAVEN: Fuck you. Next subject.

BIG SHANK: Does Chasm still look like Howie Mandell?

RAVEN: Yeah, but older and more pathetic.

BIG SHANK: Why are Chris Chaos and Jenny Myst still together?

RAVEN: Because once you have AIDS, you can pretty much only date other people with AIDS.

BIG SHANK: What do you think of the Sugay Sisters?

RAVEN: It's going to be hilarious when they realize that Jim Caedus can't tell them apart.

BIG SHANK: Speaking of Caedus, any worries that he's plotting another shot at the belt?

RAVEN: Hell no. He can take another swing if he wants, but he knows as well as I do how that would work out. He thinks his pride and ego hurt after the losses to Blingsteen? I'd put on a clinic so comprehensive against him that he'd be relegated to the Television division again until the moment I chose to release him, and not a moment fucking sooner. That guy may look like Thor, claim the dick of the Hulk, and have more former partners than an Avenger... but he's got the spine of Professor Xavier.

BIG SHANK: That's a lot of comic book references, man. Who are you?

RAVEN: Deadpool, I guess.

BIG SHANK: Because of Ryan Reynolds?

RAVEN: I have no idea what you're talking about.

BIG SHANK: Well, you look like hi-

RAVEN: You're mother is a filthy crabs ridden cunt. Next subject.

BIG SHANK: Why does Robbie Bourbon tweet you so much?

RAVEN: Attention. The same reason we've ever had any interaction to begin with. He recruited me to the Mother Fuckers because he wanted to make a splash in the tag team tournament, and make some waves. He did that. He attacked me and kicked me out of the group for the exact same reason, to make waves. You saw his segment on Warfare, he openly admits he doesn't even dislike me; he pretty much did it just to do it. He's like Rob Riggle. An 8 year old boy in a giant fat mans body.

BIG SHANK: Rob Riggle is hilarious though.

RAVEN: Bourbon is absurdist.

BIG SHANK: What's that mean?

RAVEN: That if you don't think it's funny, the joke wasn't meant for you in the first place and you're a hater. That's the impression the rest of the roster would give you, at least.

BIG SHANK: Do you think he's upset that Chasm is jumping him in the Uni title line?

RAVEN: Chasm can blow a donkey. He's not jumping any lines, he's a 40 year old virgin finally getting a pity handjob. Peter Gilmour is a former Universal Champion, Barney Green held the World strap. Say what you will about Chasm, but he was better than both of them. He deserves a shot, if for no other reason than as a lifetime achievement award.

BIG SHANK: So you pulled some strings? Such a nice guy. A real nice guy would let him win.

RAVEN: Fuck that, I'm going to kick his bald ass out of his Hot Topic fishnets and shove his own misplaced arrogance so far down his throat he's puking poutine up on the canvas.

BIG SHANK: That's disgusting.

RAVEN: So is your face. BURN!

BIG SHANK: Have you ever seen Bofa?

RAVEN: Bofa?

BIG SHANK: Bofa deez nuts you pretty boy .

RAVEN: I told you to watch the slurs, man. I can't have LGBTQ+ Services calling me up to complain again.

BIG SHANK: Damn, gay groups actually railed against you?

RAVEN: No, LGBTQ+ Services is just what shows on the caller ID when Vinnie Lane calls to tell me I went over the line and a sponsor is upset.

BIG SHANK: Vinnie Lane? OH! The blonde guy, I always think of him as Mr. Roxy Cotton for some reason. Let me ask you something; if a guy profits off his wife being a slut online and posting provocative photos, does that make him a cyber-cuck?

RAVEN: Careful, you'll get him worked up.

BIG SHANK: It's true though.

RAVEN: Oh, we all know, but you said "wife". They're engaged. He gets real touchy about that sometimes. Hey, have Marlow Raxis or Ben Gazzi posted any videos yet? I'm bored as shit sitting here talking to you, I want to go watch something.

BIG SHANK: No, they haven't said anything and they won't. They're cowards. You may as well just post this shit and go to sleep. You look terrible.

RAVEN: I can't. "Anti flood rules". Something about having enough time between videos for advertisers to attach and blah blah blah. I swear, there's some bull shit about the new era.

BIG SHANK: So we have to do this until the XWF allows you to cut and submit it, even though it's done and we're exhausted, because money?

RAVEN: Yep.

BIG SHANK: What the fuck do we talk about now?

RAVEN: I don't know, stall?

BIG SHANK: ...

RAVEN: ...

BIG SHANK: ...

RAVEN: ...

BIG SHANK: ...

RAVEN: ...

BIG SHANK: ...

RAVEN: ...

BIG SHANK: This is stupid, just go to the fucking website and post this shit. Even if they tell you that you broke a rule, and disqualify it, who gives a shit? It's Marlow, Ben, and Kropotkin, I don't think you'll miss much by not having an extra five minutes of your face on the main page.

RAVEN: You don't know that. My face brings the ratings.

BIG SHANK: This thing has jumped the shark. I'm going to sleep. Good luck with jobberpalooza on Savage.

RAVEN: Thanks. Bedtime for me too. Fear the Raven, Forevermore.

BIG SHANK: You're so gay.

*cell phone ringing*

RAVEN: Damn it, Shank. That's Vinnie.