Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

The Engineer · (08-23-2017)

So, Engy is now the 2017 King of the Ring and the Xtreme champion. Who the fuck saw THAT coming?

Commensurate with his new royal title, I think we can be assured that Engy will be handling his massive victory with characteristic dignity and grace, exhibiting the stoic poise of a lineage of kings and queens from bygone era's....

CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Actually, he's doing a keg stand. Two of Madison's secret service guys are propping him up in the aisle of her private jet. Beer that manages to escape Engy's mouth foams down his face and onto the floor. Two more secret service grunts chant that eponymous fratboy mantra in the background. Finally, Engy starts sputtering and coughing and they let him down. 100% bangable conservative sweetheart Tomi Lahren walks up behind Engy, snaking an arm around his beer drenched torso.

Hey babe! Guys, did I introduce you to [Image: 4468.gif]

MY GIRLFRIEND [Image: 4468.gif]

Tomi?

Only 47 times.

How long this time?

**Belch** I beat my old record and drank for over a minute straight with no breaths! I hope these spots go away...

As Engy tries to blink away the brain damage, Madison opens the door from the cockpit and walks over.

We're about to start our descent, so get your asses in your seats everyone. Especially you Engy, we can't have America's hottest wrestling commodity breaking any bones.

Awwwww....shit, I gotta piss real bad, I BROKE THE SEAL!

Fine, hurry up.

Engy plants a huge sloppy boozy kiss on Tomi's lips. Madison can't help but make a look of disgust. Engy runs to the bathroom, already frantically unfastening his belt before he gets to the door.

Everyone begins to take their seats, with Madison planting herself across from Tomi. Tomi looks up at Madison and smiles. Madison ignores it, looks around her to see if Engy has entered the bathroom yet, and then retrains her attention on Tomi.

Ok bitch, so why are you here?

Tomi's eyes widen, and she screwfaces Madison.

Um, excuse me?

You heard me. Why are you here?

Tomi smirks.

Jealous, are we?

Not hardly. I just find it funny how a solid 8.5 like you poofs in from out of nowhere to start slobbing Engy's knob right before his value goes through the roof.

Yeah, I figured this was coming. You've always been paranoid, Madison. But my intentions are pure. I'm genuinely attracted to Engy, and I want him to be successful.

Madison sputters out into a course laugh.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Right...right. Bitch, you realize I invented this game, right? Quit jumping my claim. Wouldn't it be easier for you to gold dig some rich old geezer with ED? Because I'm not sure you realize this, but Engy is a horny little monkey.

Oh, I'm well aware. In fact, right after he won the tournament we came back in here and fucked in the plane. Right in that chair, in fact.

Madison starts making dry heaving sounds and scrambles to undo her seat belt. She gets into the next chair over and fastens that belt.

That chair too.

Bitch, you seriously had to wait until I fastened my....! You know what, whatever. I don't care. Fuck his brains out. Read him bed time stories. Tie his shoes for him. Wipe his ass...I DON'T CARE. But know this. The very SECOND that your affections or lack thereof starts endangering MY investment, I will OBLITERATE you so completely it'll make getting fired by The Blaze look like spilt fucking milk. You got that?

Tomi smiles and leans back in her seat.

Oh, completely. And YOU should know that if I pick up on any untoward actions on your part, such as, hypothetically speaking, trying to break us up....well, who do you think he's more likely to listen to right now? You, or the woman who....?

Ugh, yeah, I got it. Spare me the gory details. Well, it looks as if we have ourselves a detente of sorts then, doesn't it? You don't fuck with me, and I don't fuck with you.

Tomi shurgs and grabs a glass of wine from the console next to her.

Works for me. And for America.

Meanwhile....

Engy stumbles into the bathroom, his pants already around his thighs. The shot closes in on his upper torso as he stands in front of the toilet and cuts it loose with a satisfied sigh.

Ugh, that feels good. Oh, hey, no blood! Glad that cleared up.

Engy looks up at the camera as he's doing his business.

'Sup Jack. It's ya boy, Engy. Don't let all this partyin' fool ya, I know I've been blessed. Hell, it was just a couple days ago that I wanted to kill myself! And now, I'm a King, an Xtremes champion, and I got a hot girlfriend! Funny how things happen like that sometimes, ain't it?

But I ain't here to bean ya over the head with my success. I actually wanna cheer ya up! Ya see, you and I got some stuff in common. We both have had lives that are kinda shitty. We've both been through a lot and seen a lotta fucked up shit. We both have a hard time makin' friends. And we're both a little bit homo-cidal. That's a word Madison told me means “murdery” and not “likes butt sex with dudes.” Because if you were wonderin' I'm still not gay and I have sex with Tomi's vagina and it feels good on my penis.

I did spot your promo against James Raven and boy was it depressin'! It kinda reminded me of how I felt before King of the Ring. Ya know, feelin' like life was shit and love don't exist and all a that. And you also blew up Roseanne's house, which was kind of a dick move but whatever.

Point is, I'm here to tell ya that if life can get better for me, it can get better for you too.

Engy looks down.

How am I STILL pissing? Damn! Anyway, it does get better Jack Cain. It does if you want it to. And that's what makes me worried about you....do you want stuff to get better? Or do you wanna stay mad? I guess maybe that's one big thing we DON'T got in common. 'Cuz it seems like you had lotsa people who loved you, but that you didn't want that. Not really anyways.

But me? I never had people who loved me, and I DID want it. Now, don't think that makes me soft! Ask all of Seth Feder's brain damage if I'm soft! But all my life, I've been wantin' more. Part of it was that adult-a-tation stuff you was talkin' about, but mostly I just wanted people to give a shit. And I don't care if it's the real me they give a shit about or a pretend me, I just wanted people to think about ol' Engy. Maybe have a kind word. A spare quarter. Shit...anythin'! I'd take whatever I could get! Which is why it blows my brain that you could have a wife who loved ya and parents who loved ya and still screw it all up.

The tinkling stops and Engy looks down again.

'Bout time.

He gives it a few good shakes and then zips up. He turns around in the cramped quarters and is about to leave when he sees a sign on the door that says “ENGY-WASH YOUR FILTHY HANDS!” accompanied by a smiley face washing his hands.

Oh yeah!

Engy turns to the sink and starts washing his hands.

Now Jack, don't think a this as me cuttin' a trash talk, cuz it ain't. I really wanna help ya. So I'm gonna do somethin' that might get me in trouble. Shhhhh....don't tell Madison! But how about you join America First? Madison told me I couldn't offer membership to nobody after I tried to recruit the 40 Goddamn Squirrels one time, and they just shit in her expensive purse, but I don't think you'll shit in her purse so we're on safe ground. If you join, I can help ya figure out how to be happy.

Engy finishes up, turns off the water, and then wipes his hands dry on his disgusting pants.

Plus, and hopefully I ain't outta the lines here, but bein' in the Motherfuckers can't be good for the old self esteems right now. I mean, you said it yourself, Robbie and James are leavin' you out. They think they're too cool for school, fightin' each other for the Universality title. And where do that leave you? With your dick in your hand, that's where! You really wanna be the third wheel, or you wanna start somewhere fresh and be 100% grade-A American like us? It's up to you.

The intercom buzzes, it's Madison.

Stop whackin' off and come sit down. I'm not helping you if you get a foot stuck in the crapper again, just as an FYI!

Oh, shit. I gotta go Jack. But think about what I said. And don't kill yourself.

He turns towards the door, and then back to the camera one last time.

And please, please, don't blow up the Step By Step house in your next promo. I'd hate to think that Patrick Duffy and all those kids are homeless. I don't think they can all fit in Cody's van.

And with that, Engy finally takes his leave. And yes, he did forget to flush the toilet. The shot fades out and fades into....

[Image: main-msg.png]

Because America First CARES.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode The Ride Home
Author	Message