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Chris Chaos · (08-22-2017)

Walking through his hometown of Clearwater Beach, everything ached. He had been through hell against Robbie Bourbon, and had come up just short.

Now it was back to the drawing board.

His earbuds were in and he was having a nice walk in the late summer Florida breeze. He had gotten a weird letter in the mail earlier, from a chick he had never heard of, and he wasn't sure if it was Jenny somehow trying to communicate since he wouldn't answer her calls.

It was some chick named Randi. She seemed okay on the eyes, but the nudes.....they struck him a bit odd. Why bother sending nudes? She told him in the note that she used to date Barney Green but couldn't take his tiny dick or the way he sweats from breathing anymore. She couldn't take him missing rent because he spent his money on booze, tobacco and copious amounts of pork rinds.

He didn't remember the entire letter, he had left it on his counter, but he would read it again when he got back. But the nudes, they would stick in his head. There were nudes of her masturbating with Barney's toothbrush, claiming even that had more girth than his child penis.

There was a lot of crazy stuff in there. But as terrible as Barney was in the ring, aparently he was even worse in he bedroom.

That poor bastard.

He continued to walk, turning the corner around the dumpsters by Toocan Beach Bar and Tan's Chinese food. That is when he saw it. A seagull was on the ground, almost dancing in a circle trying to fly. One of his wings had been injured, seemingly broken. This broken, pathetic excuse for a bird reminded him a bit of Barney. Still trying, despite the constant failure, and never really going anywhere.........

Leaving himself vulnerable.

Chris whipped out his phone, he was going to take a photo of this. He liked to take random photos of odd shit. Maybe he would put it with the Randi nudes.

Just a collection of weird shit.

Just as he was about to take the photo, a waitress from Toocan's was outside, on the phone, and frantic.

"Yes.....Animal Control? Yes, you need to get to the beach right away."

Just as she told them not to put her on hold, two Chinese people from Tan's came running out, jibbering in their ching chong language. They see the lady on the phone, and Chris with his camera out.

"No......no, we take we take" one said.

"Thas beech chicka" one said. "Beech chika, thas good, we take we take," The one man grabbed the bird around the neck, it squawked out it's terror.

Beach chicken? Did they just refer to a seagull as beach chicken? Were all birds "chicken" to them?

The Chinese people disappeared into the building with the bird. The lady was yelling something on the phone before saying "nevermind" and hanging up.

Chris walked into Tan's and asked for a menu.

There is was, staring at him plain as day.

"BEACH CHICKEN--$5.99"

"BEACH CHICKEN PORK FRIED RICE COMBO---$7.89"

This was amazing. This was Barney Green. You never knew what you were going to get. You never knew what was underneath the fatty exterior. You never knew what you were eating---knew it was disgusting---but still took that bite. Yeah, Barney Green was a beach chicken...........

Everyone has had a bite, whether they knew it or not.......

Barney Green didn't even know what Barney Green was.........

But he's a beach chicken.

"So this is Barney Green. This is the 400 pound sad sack of shit that has been polluting the XWF airwaves with depressing memoirs about how terrible his life is and then losing matches hoping to gain sympathy from the viewers. He loses so damn much, I am beginning to think he does it on purpose. I am beginning to think he likes losing, like he gets off on it. But he is a tough son of a gun, I'll give him that. He's either the toughest son of a bitch on this roster, or the dumbest. Perhaps a smattering patchwork of both.

Barney, your gig is up. That act nursing home old--nobody buys it anymore. You're like the one person at the party who wants to keep partying just a bit longer when everyone else has went to bed. You just seem to hang around like that old dog that won't die. Everyone wants a new dog, but no matter what you do it just won't die. It fickle, frail, soils the floor, can't see, shakes and its tongue won't stay in its mouth anymore---but it just won't kick the bucket. That is you, Barney. You're desperately attempting to revive a mediocre at best career from half a decade ago, and we are all just waiting for you to die. We want a new Barney, but until this Barney passes we are stuck with a shitty reminder of what once was. Well, this week, Barn, you're old yeller and I am holding the shotgun. I will finally put you out of your misery, finally set you free.

All of those beatings you have taken, they must be affecting that brain of yours. Hell, if this was the NFL you could claim CTE, get paid off and retire on a yacht in the Caribbean somewhere. All the Spaghetti-O's you could eat. But it is not the NFL, and for some strange reason you seem to think repeated shots to the cranium give you a stamp of "BAMF", and nobody will want to mess with you. Wrong, dick. We ALL want to mess with you, because stat-padding is a real thing. Why do I bring up your brain? Well you claimed, somewhere between taking me to school and bragging about bravery, that I threw down the thunder. Ummm.....fatass, do you remember that YOU called ME out? You wanted me, in my prime, before your knees give out from trying to support your gargantuan frame. I was the one who added the retirement stipulation to do you a favor of not having to swallow your pride with another L every week, and do the fed a favor by cutting the fat--literally--from the talent pool. But obviously, the front office wants to make sure some struggling superstars have a shot to get a win every once and a while, so they shot that idea down. Hey, everyone needs a slump buster sometimes, right?

So what did they give us? An X-Treme Death Match. Oh goodie. I don't get to retire you, but I have a chance to kill you. Christmas has come early. Isn't this the type of match that took your eye out in the first place? If I were you, I wouldn't even show up. I'd call the entire thing off, get a steam subscription and lock yourself in your Section 8 apartment and live off World of Warcraft and Papa Gino's 16 cuts. Its the best thing for you and for us.

Just think about the gravity of the situation that your mouth got you into. I tied Robbie in that match---but was screwed by Archie. Everyone always wants to screw ol' Chaos. But Barney, a loss is still a loss, and I can come out of that match--failing to accomplish the goal I set out for--and still Main Event the very next show on the flagship broadcast. THAT is the kind of respect I demand. You are the main event because it is against me, plain and simple.

Barney Green gets put on his ass time and time again but he keeps coming back. Why? Well I think I figured it out. I think Barney Green may want to die in the ring. He likes the attention. I think Barney Green would rather take beating after beating inside this ring instead of sitting home in some dirtbag Boston apartment contemplating suicide. Instead, he would like to commit suicide by showing up in an XWF building every week.

This week is no different. Barney Green, you claim this is a "dream" match of yours? How ironic that I am goin to put you to sleep. This may be a dream match for you, but this is going to just be another week for me. Another week of your monotone promos and woe is me attitude. Welcome to your world, Barn? You are in the main event motherfucker, so welcome to MINE. I've been main event caliber since I walked in the doors here.....you've been here for years and you are still lucky to be in this spot. The "legendary" Barney Green, known for nothing more than being the worlds largest--literally--j o b b e r. But that is why everyone loves you---they feel for you. You're a life sized Teddy Bear.......and your stuffing gets ripped out more and more with every ass kicking you take.

Just look at your recent history, Barney. Look at who has made you a victim--besides mother nature, of course.

Panzer made you tap out. I guess it took a clown to show you how much of a joke you are.

Chasm took your eye. Chasm......took......your.....eye. Barney, Chasm couldn't eat the eye off a Spongbob Popsicle.......yet he is able to take yours.

Honestly.....and I am still young with a good mind intact....I don't remember the last time you won. I mean, the first round of the KOTR tournament, sure, but against Drezdin and Dr. Pyscho?

Barney.........

Come on.......

ANYONE could beat them. Children could beat them.

Children probably have.

Barney Green......you have made the biggest mistake of your career. Look what I did to Robbie Bourbon. I took him to hell, I made him bleed........what the hell do you think I wouldn't do to you? And it is all legal.....it is all encouraged. This is a match designed for me to hurt you, maim you, punish you. It is a match made for blood to flow. I am one of the best to ever step foot here.....you are one of the best crash test dummies. Superstar after superstar has tested it out. Sure, they took their lumps, but in the end they all survived while you were left a mangled mess. Barney fucking Green........wants to call me out.

John Holliday wants to call me out.

Everyone who can't hold a candlestick to me wants a piece of me. That is okay. You see, Barn, it may not happen right away but I WILL be the Universal Champion again..........and all you will ever be is the stepping stone. The ladder rung. The name of the man who padded more stats and gave more wrestlers a W in the win column than anyone else in history. Hell Travis McCoy's father and grandfather would have beaten you, and take a look at their total W/L records. It is much different to be a part of it.......every week I sit in the back and I listen to that stupid music hit. I see your fat bumbling ass stagger to the ring, the years of abuse taking its tole. I see you get into the ring with that sunken, already defeated look in your eyes. I am watching his all in high-def. I opt in for damn near every single card. I have been a part of every single show for an entire year and I still have a damn near 80 percent winning percentage. 38-16-2. You, Barney, you opt in whenever the hell the Cheetos bags and 2 liter Pepsi's are empty and you need something to do. You opt in whenever you feel the itch to feel pain again so you won't have the guilt of self-inflicting it. You opt in whenever the XWF has a new star that needs their first win here.

Barney Green, at your service.

But now you want a little more. Now you want the grand finale. You call me out, tell the world that I am your dream match. Then, you say you want Caedus. Back to back. You MUST have a death wish. Well I am going to apologize now to Jim Caedus because he is not going to get Barney Green at 100 percent. He isn't even going to get Barney Green at 10 percent.

You wanna talk about being the best?

Yes

I may not even be in the same category as you but look at the talent I have faced over the years compared to you.

Valid point, Barney. But how much of that talent have you beaten? Hell you talk as though you should be feared but you couldn't intimidate a catepillar. You've been here for years. You were World Champion in 2012. But times have changed, landscapes have changed, and you have never stepped into the ring with someone like me before. Sure, I have lost some matches but as I proved yet again I never get blown out. I never get dominated. I am right there at the end time and time and time again. I have made some of the biggest names on this roster bleed, and now I get a chance to make one of the biggest names bleed again. Except, this time, for once, I am expected to win. But Barney I don't want to win. I want to take your other eye. I want to shatter your bones and stain the ring with your hemoglobin. I want to dislocate every joint in your bulbous body and snap every tendon. You're sick of me? You're sick of my "whining"? I am sick of you bringing the talent of this roster down. I am sick of you being touted as a legend when you have been nothing more than a pillow. I am sick of the name Barney Green.

James Raven. He is still the same beast i remembered. I may have lost to him but that's whatever. Unknown Soldier. Another brutal match where I got taken to hell. Peter Gilmour. As much as i may dislike the guy, he is actually a good competitor.

That beast? I beat him. Soldier, yep, beat him too. Gilmour......you get the gist.

You are facing the eyepatch wearin' Boston Brawler that wears no shoes.

I am shaking in my boots, Barney. I am legit pissing my pants.

...........with laughter. Are you serious? Really, I need to know, are you serious?

Bring the violence, Chaos.

I plan on it.

Bring whatever facade you want to that ring. The Epitome of Tool, The Boston Crawler, The All-Night Tranny Thrilla--that one is actually pretty good.

Barney.......I am coming to equalize you.

Welcome to my world

The door was unlocked, Barney, and I still kicked it in. You're nothing more than a beach chicken........firm and sturdy on the outside......soft and toxic on the inside. That will be your downfall......

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