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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » King of the Ring 2017 RP Board
I was born a poor black child
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The Engineer Offline
Man of Peace



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#1
08-07-2017, 06:07 PM



The cow says “moooooo”. Find the Moo Cow!

The chipper sounding voice intones from the computer that Engy is sitting in front of. From over his shoulder we see that he's playing some kind of matching game. A card with a smiling moo cow has been flipped over. We see that a matching pair of chicken cards and kitten cards have also been flipped over, amidst a sea of cards remaining face down. Engy stares at the screen, seemingly deep in thought at the profound predicament before him. He licks his lips and narrows his eyes at the screen. Slowly his hand returns to the mouse. He moves the cursor up to one of the virtual cards on the screen. He clicks it.

Yay! You found the other Moo Cow! Good job!

Engy stands up so fast his seat knocks over and clatters to the floor. He punches a fist into the air triumphantly.

YEAH! GOT YOU FUCKER!

Esteemed psychiatrist and part time demon worshipping cultist Dr. Bennie enters our view. He's holding a tablet in his outstretched arm, and he takes a moment to review it before turning his gaze towards Engy.

Very good work my friend. Based on my data it would seem that your memorization capabilities have increased 32%!

So I'm like super smart now, right?

Well, your still roughly 12% behind the human average.

Engy sighs dejectedly and walks over to the black leather couch at the other end of Dr. Bennie's office. He throws himself back on it.

So I'm still 'tarded huh?

Dr. Bennie rushes over. He places the tablet on the desk, and sits in the chair at the head of the couch.

I don't want you to focus on that. Because the fact is that you're showing improvement, my friend. And if you keep taking the pills I've prescribed you I am completely confident that you will continue to improve until one day you are, as you say, “super smart”.

Engy whines piteously.

But I wanna be smart noooooooow!

I know patience has never been your strong suit. Give it time. What I really wanted to talk about today was your past. You've shown growth in your cognitive...

Cog-cog-ni....?

Brain stuff. You're doing better at brain stuff.

Oh, sweet!

Yes. So, now that your memory is improving, I cannot help but wonder if it's clarified your past for you a bit.

Engy shifts a bit on the couch. He scratches his head. And then his butt. Finally, he sits up with a start.

Ya know what doc, it has! I been havin' these new kinda thoughts lately. And I think they might be about me when I was younger!

Dr. Bennie leans in a bit, very intrigued.

Please do continue!

Yeah! I remember now! I remember everything!

Dr. Bennie removes his sunglasses as Engy's enthusaiasm becomes infectious. He races back to his desk to pick up his tablet. He removes the styles and returns to his seat, eager to jot down the dewdrops of wisdom that are about to pour forth from his client.

Well, tell me! I'm so eager to hear!

I was a poor black child living in Philadelphia!

Engy shouts this out as though enrapt in a moment of pure revelatory bliss. Dr. Bennie looks somewhat less impressed. He replaces the stylus on his tablet, leans back in his seat. A sigh passes between his teeth.

You were....a poor black child....?

Yes.

....living in Philadelphia....?

Yes.

The doc rubs the bridge of his nose and draws his eyes down tight in frustration.

Engy, you are Caucasian.

That's rude!

Caucasian means white.

Oh. But I'm not white, I'm black.

Look, Engy. I know you've been watching all the promos for the big pay per view coming up and that some of your opponents like to play at being things they're not. So I know that the...the attraction, to be something other than you are is very, very tempting. Particularly when your history doesn't seem as....erm, compelling as that of your opponents.....

I didn't even understand like half a that, but I think you're callin' me a liar!

All I'm saying is that in this room with me, you don't have to pretend to be something your not!

But I ain't pretendin'! I'm serious! I WAS A POOR BLACK CHILD IN PHILADELPHIA! It was a hard knock life, Doctor B, lemme tell ya! B-ballin' on the courts, duckin' bullets, gettin' in fights. It was hell! HELL ON EARTH! And my daddy was never around for me neither. Until one day it all changed. Ya see, my mama got scared I was on the wrong path. She didn't want me to end up like my daddy did. So she sent me to live with my rich aunt and uncle in Bel-air.

Wait-wait a minute....

It was tough though. Bein' rich all of a sudden. I mean, I thought it would be sweet, but they live their lives so different. My cousins was nothin' like me neither. 'Specially Carl. He had this stupid little dance he would do and I was pretty sure he was gay, but....

Please, please.....

Me and Uncle Phillip, we never saw eye to eye on nothin' either. That man was from a whole different world. He was a judge! We would get in fights all the time. And I had this one friend who would come over sometimes and he would throw him outta the house. Like launch him actually out the door! WHAT A DICK! But ya know what, as the seasons went on I came to realize he was so tough 'cuz he wanted what was best for me. He loved me, ya know? He sometimes wasn't good at showin' it but....I think....I think he kinda became the daddy I never had....

Engy dabs at some tears in his eyes with a filthy sleeve. Dr. Bennie sits stock still in his chair for a moment, probably silently cursing ever starting this shit show in the first place. He takes a jar of candy from the end table next to him.

Engy, I think we're done today.

But I still got more backstory! ALL THE OTHER GUYS GET LIKE FIVE HOURS OF PROMO TIME TO TELL THIER BACKSTORY!

I will give you all this candy if you leave now.

Engy gets up and takes the jar of candy from Dr. Bennie.

Fine, but it's still bullshit!

I'm sorry. I hope we see more improvement next week.

Yeah, whatever....

Engy takes his leave, bowl of candy in hand. He starts pulling the candy out of the wrappers and stuffing them ravenously into his face, leaving a trail of them in his wake. The doc follows him to the door, smiles at him and shuts it gently closed behind him. Engy looks back at the closed door and shakes his head.

He didn't even let me tell him 'bout all the Aiwass shit I 'member....

Engy walks out of the shot and it cuts to black.

Some time later...


It's hard out there for a black man.

We see Engy walking down an urban city street. And, to put it mildly, it is far from the more gentrified areas of Philadelphia. Each house he passes screams “trap house”, and you can practically feel the desolation and despair seeping from the rotted wood. Upon clearing the row of houses, he begins to pass an unused basketball court, weeds sprouting up from cracks in the blacktop. The fence barring entrance to the court is rusted, a weakening padlock on the gate sole witness to the dissolution of this once great community space.

Ya know what I mean, right Trax? I mean, Mr. Kill Guy. Sorry, that's gonna be tough to get used to! But yeah, it's tough bein black. Everybody likes to say that racism is over and that we shouldn't talk about it no more, but just look at XWF! How many black guys we got? Just two! You and me, Killdozer! We used ta have another black guy but then he decided to be a skinny white boy. And then be a skinny white girl. I mean, what the fuck, right?!

It's just us, man. Holdin' it down AGAINST the man! So let's be real with each other my nigga.


Oh Jesus, here we go....

Ya talked a lotta shit 'bout ol' Engy. Sayin' that I dog myself more than any a my opponents do. I reckon' that's true. But that's just real bein' real, Professor Murderface. I don't gotta pretend to be somethin' I'm not. I don't gotta play like somebody else is takin' over my brain to get me to be bigger and badder. As Medea once said, “I can do bad all by myself.” I like her because I'm black.



Engy passes by an old black woman sitting on her porch. He begins to make a series of elaborate hand gestures in the air. It ends up kinda looking like he's jacking off a giant cock, followed by making a crude finger between “ok” symbol gesture for sex. It occurs to you that he's attempting gang signs. The old woman mouths “what the fuck...?” and Engy keeps on walking, oblivious.

Sorry, had to shout out to one a my fellow Africans. Anyhow, Hans Blisterdeath, are ya catchin' what I'm throwin' down here? Be yourself my nigga! Just cuz ya hit a tough spot and ya felt like nobody was takin' ya seriously ain't any reason to rip off the much, much funnier Danny Sex angle. Look at me, don't nobody take me serious, includin' you! And does that effect my swag? Hellz naw.

In fact, ol' Engy is startn' to get ta thinkin' that maybe I should have more faith in myself. Maybe I ain't such a piece a shit! I mean, last week I beat a former Universality Champion! That's pretty badass. Ok, ok, I may have paid off the oriental to get some help, but only cuz Travis McCoy gave me the money ta do it! And I mighta lied 'bout not knowin' him. Whew, that guy really hates him some Chris Chaos.

But yeah, I'm doin' pretty good now for meself and I realize now I probably don't suck. Which means you beatin' me ain't the gaurantee ya think it is. Now I know, I know, talkin' for hours 'bout how amazin' you are is pretty much the only gear XWF runs on....


That and having super powers for some reason and still somehow losing matches. Which is almost as as Engy. #MoreNarrationBurns.

...but I think you're pretty wrong 'bout how easy it'll be to beat me. 'Cuz now that I sunk my teeth deep down into one a the big dogs in this place, I kinda like the taste a that meat! So imagine my surprise when I found out that YOU used ta be a former Universality champion too! Or at least you was back when you was Trax and not Doctor Satan so does that still count? Ah, fuck it, it counts! Point is, I like eatin' the big dogs. I like it a lot! And I don't reckon' I'm gonna stop anytime soon, no matter who you tryin' to be this week.

You said you really want this win? Good for you my nigga, but too bad you ain't gonna have it. 'Cuz Engy needs it more! Whether you Trax or Villian McBadGuy, you been here a lot longer than me. You earned yourself lots a big wins, lotsa championships. I don't got none a that shit. You ate your fill. Me? I'm sittin' here STARVIN'! And who you think fights harder for their dinner? The dog that already had it's kibble or the one that ain't ate for days? Well I can tells you as somebody who has seen that prezact sit-ya-ation happen it ain't the one restin' on a full belly that's for damn sure!

And the hungry dog usually goes for the throat too. Put's the competition down real quick, know what I'm sayin'?

Keep talkin'. I know ya will. In fact, I'm gonna ask ya to keep talkin'. I'm askin' ya to pull a Chris Chaos. I don't hate ya yet, my brother. Maybe it's cuz we got the same skin tone, maybe it's cuz we both a little cray-cray, maybe it's cuz we both outta the hood. But I ain't got that deep down boilin' hate for ya yet. Get me there. Piss me off. See how good that worked for Chris Chaos. Flap your gums. Make fun a my momma. If I had one. I legit don't know. Oh, I know! You wanna piss me off good?

Say that Cuba Gooding Junior sucked in Boyz in the Hood! Oh, you absolute FUCK! You can have that one! Fuck is your head, my nigga?! Cuba is a SAINT! You ever seen Snow Dogs? Two words....ACADEMY FUCKIN' AWARD!


Actually bro that was....ah, never mind.

I should probably say somethin' about the two white boys left in the King of Fighters tournament. Seth, I ain't ever met ya so I got no beef with ya yet. Plus you related to Uncle Vinny and for a white boy he's p-cool cuz he knows I drilled that hole into the women's locker room to have a peek and he didn't say nothin' about it. But that don't change the fact that it's ol' Engy's time for lotsa the same reasons as Captain Bloodlust. Ya been around the block and ya just ain't as hungry as me. You welcome to try to prove me wrong in the finals though. That is....

Engy, for the first time this entire promo, looks absolutely ecstatic.

....IF PHANTOM FUCKIN' PANZER ISN'T THE AWESOMEST PROMO GUY EVER! Look, I ain't even takin' the piss right now, you rock dude. You cut the best promo's of all time. I mean, I have an IQ of 57 (the doc told me so!), I can't tie my shoes without lots a help, and my entire diet is nothin' but Cimmamen Toast Crunch, so when it comes to bein' able to tell if promo's are good I think I got that shit locked down TIGHT, son.

You are the best in the entire XWF. I mean it.


He really does.

And I can tell when things are good.

If we're judging by the metrics of what a drug addled brain damaged man child thinks is good then sure.

So I guess what I'm sayin' is I'll probably see ya in the finals clown dude!

The upside is that the cross promotion with the new It remake would make money hand over fist. The down size is that, well, Phantom Panzer would be in the finals.

Narration is on FIRE today.

Wait, you heard that?

Engy suddenly sees a group of young black men coming down the street. The young men are already eying Engy up, trying to determine what to make of this balding, homeless caucazoid that has been talking into a camera for like the last 10 minutes.

What's up my NIGGAAAAAAAAS!

See ya in traction, Engy.

[Image: 9QBn3eQ.jpg]





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[-] The following 5 users Like The Engineer's post:
#MemeQueen Luca Torchwick (08-07-2017), JimCaedus (08-16-2017), Phantom Panzer (08-08-2017), Theo Pryce (08-09-2017), Travis McCoy (08-07-2017)




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