I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE DAMN IT!

Madison Dyson, America's favorite right wing sweetheart, is pounding on a door like it owes her money. The mat beneath her feet says “Friends Welcome!” but right now things are certainly seeming anything but friendly. Engy calls out to her from behind the door.

No one's home! Come back later! Byyyyeeeeeeee!

Madison looks like she's going to pound on the door again, but she stops herself.

Oh, ok, I'll come back later then.

Madison stomps down the front steps in an exaggerated fashion, making sure to make as much noise as possible.

Definitely leaving now!

She waits a moment at the bottom of the steps, casts a glance at her watch, opens her purse to retrieve a stick of gum and pops it in her mouth. She waits another minute or so, checks her watch again, and then walks back up the front steps. She rings the door bell.

Who is it?

I'm from Fed Ex and I have a delivery of like a million titty magazines here...

Engy throws open the door and Madison barges through! He tries to slam the door shut on her again, but her body is wedged in between the frame in the door.

NO! Ugh....FUCK!....LET ME IN!

I don't wanna!

Son of a....I'M NOT MAD, I JUST WANNA TALK!

Madison gets one hand solidly braced on the inside wall to get some leverage as Engy still tries to slam the door on her.

NO, YOU'RE GONNA YELL AT ME!

Madison manages to get her other hand away from the door and she jabs Engy in the eye with her thumb. Engy cries out in pain and backs away from the door. He stumbles into an ottoman and falls ass over tea kettle into the coffee table causing it to splinter and crack beneath his weight. Madison finally gets into the house. She shuts the door behind her and bolts it.

Jesus Christ, I broke a nail. Ugh! Look, I'm not mad about the tag team match at Savage. I don't even care about that shit, we have bigger fish to fry.

Engy starts to extricate himself from the broken table. He pulls himself up onto the couch, looking miserable.

Yeah, but you're gonna yell at me about the house!

I'm not gonna...!

But she stops short again. A quizzical look crosses her features. She looks around at the interior of the house and all of it's picturesque middle class fixings. It occurs to her that, in all this chaos, she hadn't even given much thought to the house at all. And then she scowls.

Whose house is this, and where did you bury the owners....?

Engy plugs his ears and starts screaming.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

Okay, okay, relax. I'm not yelling. But seriously, where are they?

Engy uncovers his ears.

Trump gave 'em somewhere else to live. And then he gave me this house. But I roughed up Pinky Pie a bit beforehand, maybe.

Madison looks, well, she looks gobsmacked quite frankly.

I honestly don't even know what to do with that, so for the sake of my mental health I'm going to accept it and move on and get to the real reason I'm here. You DO realize you have a match of gargantuan proportions this week against a former Universal champ, right?

Yeah, I been promo'ing all week. See the camera guy?

The camera guy waves.

Huh. I thought he was here for me. Anyhoo, you've been promoing without me? And what have I said about....NOT YELLING!

Madison cuts herself off as Engy starts to cover his ears in preparation for a verbal tongue lashing. Engy lowers his hands once more.

I've been doin' real good all on my own Madison. In fact, Chris stopped respondin' so maybe he gave up.

Chris Chaos never gives up talking, he's just waiting on the deadline drop.

What's a....?

Nevermind, it's meta. Lemme see here....a ha!

Madison pulls out her phone and goes to the XWF website or Youtube or wherever the hell these things get posted. She clicks the link and Chris Chaos' latest promo starts playing.

Told you. He cut another promo.

Lemme see, lemme see!

Engy climbs over the couch and sidles up next to Madison to watch the promo. Yes, right now you are watching people watch a promo. This is only marginally less boring that watching a Chris Chaos trash talk. Narration BURN!

Really, Chris? Your pulling the whole “torture a bunch of mooks to show how badass I am” shtick? Kinda hacky, ain't it? Ok, so Engy let me break down this overlong pedantic mess for you so you can understand....

You don't got to.

Engy says this with a certain icy finality. Indeed, with these words the entire atmosphere in the room changes. Engy's face is taut, his eyes boring pits into the browser on Madison's phone. Clearly, his switch has been flipped. Madison senses the change and takes half a step away.

Hey buuuuuddy, everything ok? Oh! You're pissed! Let's use that! Just let me think on this a sec and...

Madison, leave.

Again, that eerie finality. Madison finally looks up from her phone.

Did you just...?

You need to go before you get hurt.

Madison drops the phone to her side. She blinks twice, uncomprehending. He's never spoken this way to her before. She's never seen him like this before. Still, she presses.

Okay, I get it. But I can help....

A whine starts deep in Engy's stomach. It rises up his esophagus past his throat and by the time it's expelled from his mouth it's total batshit insanity.

LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!

Engy starts screaming the words at Madison. Madison startles and almost trips over herself rushing to the door. Engy follows her, still chanting this lunatic mantra. She throws open the door, face warped with fear and confusion.

What has gotten into you?! Fine! I'm gone, but we're talking about this later!

Engy slams the door on her. And for a while, he stands stock still at the door, glaring at it. Finally, he turns away, slumps his back against it and slides to the floor.

Chris....Chris....Chris....

Engy looks up at the camera, and a transformation has taken hold. Suddenly, his eyes look keener. Dive deeper. There's hate there too. Oh, not the little “h” that everybody tosses around in their promo's. This is big “H” hate. This is, “I'm gonna kill everyone you love and restrain myself from killing you too because a life time of knowing everyone you love is dead is so much worse” hate.

Chris, why you gotta bring this outta me? Why couldn't ya just let me be? Why couldn't ya just let all those guys be...?

Engy bashes his head back against the door once, twice, three times. The final time so hard it leaves a crack.

Ya don't know what it's like to want Chris. Ya might think ya do, but ya don't. Not anymore anyway. Maybe not ever. Most people don't even know what that kinda wantin' is. They want a nice car. They want a big pretty house. They want a blowjob from that pretty secretary girl down the hall. But that ain't real want.

Because ya don't know real want unless ya got nothin'. And me?

I got nothin'.

Engy looks away from the camera. He spits on the floor and grimaces.

Chris, I already said you was right about me. About me not doin' shit. Not bein' shit. About me bein' stupid and doin' what I'm told because I don't know no better. You been talkin' for like an hour about what a fuckin' worthless piece a shit I am but for all that talkin' it still ain't sunk in ta that head a yours that you're PREACHIN' TO THE FUCKIN' CHOIR!

He suddenly levels his gaze at the camera, spitting black flecks of froth at the lens as he shouts.

Son, I've slept under overpasses. I've eaten filth from dumpsters. I've fought for bread scraps like those poor bastards ya humiliated. You think I done all that and I wake up every day thinkin' I'm the Queen a fuckin' England?! DO YA?! FUCK!!

Engy clumsily gets to his feet and starts pacing in the living room, worrying himself back and forth and shaking his head.

I know I'm a fuck up Chris!! I can't even have a happy FANTASY about your woman without fuckin' that up too. I fuck up in my own DREAMS that's how big a fuck up I am!! But ya just blather on and on cuttin' the same old promo about how amazin' you are cuz' that's the only lever ya know how to pull.

But no matter how big an idiot I am, I am a goddamn professional at wantin' stuff. Oh yeah, all I ever done my whole life is want stuff so I had a lotta practice. But I don't want the same stuff you do Kissy Chrissy, oh no! Ya see, you ain't ever been at the bottom rung lookin' up like I have. You ain't ever been deep down in the shit, lookin' around and seein' all those pretty happy smilin' faces and knowin' for a fuckin' FACT that each and every single one a them has more than you do. And I ain't just talkin' things Chris, I'm talkin' FAMILY, I'm talkin' friends, and yes, I'm talkin' 'bout a place to PARK yer PECKER too!

This is deep down in your guts WANTIN' Chris. The kind of wantin' that keeps ya up at night. The kinda wantin' that keeps ya lonely. Keeps ya HUNGRY. The kinda wantin' ya know nothin' about because ya already have everything! Ya got a pretty girl. Ya got respeck. Ya got championships. And even before all that ya at least had good looks and the ability to talk to people without scarin' em off!

YA DON'T KNOW WHAT NOTHIN' FEELS LIKE!

So yeah, I'm sorry this ain't trash talk, but it's kinda hard to toot a fuckin' horn when ya ain't even got one a those neither.

Engy looks at the camera again and finally stops his pacing.

But even with all that. Even with knowin' that Jenny will always choose to get cozy with you on a cold night rather than me, I still didn't really hate ya. I've been dealin' with shit heads like you my entire life. Ya get used to it. Naw, I didn't really hate ya till I saw what you did to all them guys. And it aint even like we were real friends, I told ya I don't get none a those. We only hung out 'cuz we knew we could use each other in different ways.

But when you said the only thing guys like us live for is the chance to get killed by you....?

EAT FUCKING SHIT CHRIS!!

No, REALLY! EAT FUCKING SHIT! SHIT IN YOUR HAND, BRING IT UP TO YOUR MOUTH AND GUZZLE ALL THE FUCKING SHIT YOU CAN!!! AND THEN WHEN YOU PUKE IT ALL BACK UP YOU LICK THAT SHIT PUKE UP OFF THE FLOOR!!!!

Engy shatters a lamp behind him with his fist. It explodes spectacularly.

YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT WE WANT?! You think that out of all the things we think about wantin' all day, number one is “Hey, maybe some rich blond who talks too much will snuff me today”.

YOU FUCKIN' CUNT SUCKIN' BITCH!

I'm a let you in on a secret though, Chrissy. You ain't earned it but I'mma do it. You say we ain't got a reason to live? That's ALMOST true. But we got ONE reason to live, and it's this.

To rub it in the face a fuckers like YOU. We ain't alive because a you, we're alive in spite a you! And maybe you got Pete and all them other guys, but you ain't gettin' ol Engy like that.

Please do bring that knife to the ring, boy. I'll cut your belly open, whip out my dick and fuck your insides raw. Please, please bring that knife...I'M BEGGIN' YA!

Engy puts his hands together pleadingly.

You ain't gettin' rid a me. In fact, by pissin' me off, ya just made me a bigger problem. 'Cuz now I WANT what you GOT more than ever! I want you to feel what it feels to WANT. Cuz after I win, you gonna be doin' a whole lotta wantin'. Oh yessssss. You gonna want people to take you serious again, 'cuz how the other guys gonna react to a former Universality champion getting' beat by a scumbum fuck up like me?

You gonna want that King o the Castle spot back, but it's gone...it's gone....

And bestest of all, you gonna want Jenny to look at ya like she did before ya got beat by Engy. Think how embarrassed she gonna feel after you talked all that shit to ol' Engy and lost! You think she gonna respeck you still? You think she gonna fuck you ever again without smellin' my stench a failure all over yer body?

Engy smirks at the camera, and it's absolutely horrific.

And ya know what else Chris? I think you already wonderin' if ol' Engy's gonna pull this off. I think you ain't as con-fee-dent as ya want people to think. Why else would ya try to buy me with Jenny's love? Don't get me wrong now, Jenny baby...Engy wants ya. Engy loves ya. But I ain't takin' this bait. I ain't that stupid no more! But ya boy Chris? He offered ya up like a prize pig to be gutted to keep his dreams alive! What kinda man does that? I may smell like shit and can't See Spot Run, but I would never try to give ya to another man to buy a win.

Ehhhh, who am I kiddin'? I know I don't deserve ya Jenny baby. Engy knows. But maybe you'll see that Chris don't deserve ya either.

You're just another thing I want that I won't never have. Like a....like a....

Engy runs to the side of the living room and picks up one of those fake potted plants. He hefts it under him and chucks it through the window.

....like a house that has pretty flowers!

Engy runs into the kitchen, he looks around feverishly. He opens the door to the oven, jumps up and lands on it with both feet, causing it to crack and break off.

...or a pretty girl to bake me dinner!

He grabs a knife out of the utensil drawer. He spares a second to think “Note to self: Use on Chris” before running into the bedroom and leaping onto the king size bed. He begins stabbing the bed with the knife furiously, sending fluff and down from the pillows into the air like so much snow.

...or even somebody who wants to make love to me without MONEY!

Engy remains, panting and kneeling on the bed that's now torn asunder. He blinks vacantly, and looks around the room. Finally, he pulls out a lighter and ignites it.

....or a chance at a normal goddamn life.

He throws the lighter at the curtains, and it comes to rest on the floor just underneath them. The flame starts to tickle the lace of the curtains.

A lifetime a wantin', Chris. But come Warfare, Engy gets to TAKIN'. Takin' from the high and mighty Chris Chaos. I may not ever get it all....

The curtains behind Engy start to ignite. Flames claw their way up the fabric towards the roof.

....but I'll settle for breakin' you down and makin' you WANT for once.

By now, the curtains are fully engulfed, incinerating Engy's hope for domestic happiness. But he doesn't seem to care. The fire is as within as it is without.

And God have mercy on you all.