Sup babes?

The name's.......


WAVES HANDS VERY MYSTICALLY...............................................................

Calypso.

I like long walks on the beach, a warm cup of coffee in the morning, and a glass of wine by the fireplace at night. What do you like?

Don't tell me....





















































Chocolate.





















































































Flowers.





























































Just a down right great time.























Hmm?















Tell ya what. Calypso is willing to give you all of those things! Provided you do something with yourself first, of course. I mean, I can't really be seen around someone like, uhm.... Engy? Is that his name? Right. You know, I have some very, VERY prestigious, renowned people that I associate with and if you and I are going to be a thing, I think we need to, lack of a better term, ditch the ... Know what I mean? I mean a (cough) pretty girl like yourself deserves a (gag) little more than being a social worker for some dude that smells like used toilet paper. I mean, come one.

Now let me throw it out there now that I'm not just TRYING TO BANG YOU. Calypso i just trying to connect his fingers on some treasure is all.

You and me. Niagra Falls. New Year's Eve. I have it booked already, just say the word babe.


Calypso presses himself against Madison Dyson and pins her against her will.

Madison gives a dry heave like gag and does her damndest to crawl out from under the pin without touching him.

SWIPE LEFT.

She slinks away.

By the way, I do like a lot of those things. Just not with you. Ever. You see, I'm not into the whole "balding, middle aged, TapOut shirt wearing, straight oozed out of the trailer park scumbum thing." And while yes, I'm sure the meth addicts you hang out with do consider themselves pretty damn important, I think the rest of the world would beg to differ about the prestigiousness of your choice of company.

As for Engy, yeah he's pretty but given the choice between having him at my back and you, well....let's just say I would never, EVER want you BEHIND me.

As for the date? Yeahhhhh, gonna pass. I mean, considering the fact that you are a consistent failure factory you probably picked the American side of the Falls which is a blasted out hell zone that smells like hot garbage year round. Which, now that I think of it, you'd probably feel right at home there. So, I dunno, move there maybe. And away from me. Forever. You could probably score some tail there too. I hear the chicks at the welfare building will tongue your balls for a 40 of malt liquor and a gas station egg salad sandwich, which is probably your meal of choice anyway.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to be far away from you and Googling how to get a restraining order.

It's funny that every time someone sees Calypso they just assume he's from some trailer park somewhere doing meth. I tried it once, nearly died. I'm more of a rolled cigarette with a tiny sprinkle of MJ to elevate me a bit.

You know nothing about me Maddy and Engy. NOTHING! First of all, I'm allergic to meth. Second, could you guys play something OTHER THAN the ugly card? It's like, everyone's GO TO these days. You should just get to know Calypso, bitch. If you did, you'd be begging for forgiveness and another helping of Bourbon Pecan Chicken

Or perhaps some Filet Mignon with my very own patented rich Balsamic glaze.



Do THOSE elegant dishes look like something that would come out of a trailer park? Huh? You obviously know how to look beyond the cover of a book, I mean, being a social worker and all right? I respect what you people do. After watching Engy perform in that cage match last week, there's nothing that dude needs more than a vagina telling him what to do. We all could've had that if Hilary won.

The five time Federweight Champ is here for a sixth, bay bay. So how about lying down, take deep breath, close your eyes and let what's going to happen happen.


Calypso pins Madison!!!!!!

Kick out AGAIN. Maddy looks really grossed out.

Jesus, I am THIS FUCKING CLOSE to just pulling a James Raven and letting you have the damn thing. I don't know if I can take anymore of that Axe body spray and stale booze stench. And does your body just naturally secrete grease like that or do you have to special order that crap online? Is their a repulsive rapist version of Sky Mall? Oh, who am I kidding you can't afford plane tickets.

So you want me to look beneath the surface, huh? Why would I want to do that when what's on the exterior provides enough low hanging fruit to feed an entire third world nation?

I hate to break it to you sweety, but if everyone thinks you look like methed out trailer trash, that might be a clue that perhaps you need to rethink your....everything. I would also like to take a moment to say a big "fuck you" to whatever meth dealer you scored that weak ass shit from. If he had made it just a little stronger, I'm sure it would have saved countless girls from having you rub up on them on the bus on your way to the dollar store to buy off brand energy drinks and single ply toilet paper with your food stamps.

If that wasn't clear enough, check this. I am not fucking you. Ever. In fact, I'd wager NO WOMAN is ever going to fuck you. Have you ever tried catching for the other team? Maybe a little man on man fucky sucky? I bet you could find some dude desperate enough to pound your throat hole through that runway gap between your front teeth.

So, in conclusion, allow me to offer YOU some meal selections. Such as this delicious entree....



....or even this mouth watering menu item....



EAT SHIT!

Is that Indian food? 'Cuz I just me some LOVE curry.

I'm a little taken by the way you've pushed me away from you, honey. This isn't AXE body spray, it's Ralph Lauren. Geez. You're probably so used to garbage that your beautiful senses don't know the difference anymore.

I live in a fifth floor condo in LA. Zooey Deschanel lives in the same building as I do. I get her mail sometimes, which I PERSONALLY deliver back to her mailbox so she can grab it later. So enough about the welfare crap.

I'll open your eyes, sweetness. Whatever everyone else thinks doesn't matter now. What matters is after this speed date is over, I'm walking away the SIXTH time Federweight Champ AND with a phone number. You can't be telling me that your getting any from that, uh, ya know? ?

I'm offering myself here, babe. I ain't looking to go hit the broom closet right now or anything.... Especially the broom closet, but I think in some time you'll learn that Calypso, the soon to be six time Federweight Champ isn't such a bad guy after all.

Calypso dances over to Maddy and rolls her up.

Maddy straight up kicks out and bitch slaps Calypso.

Ugh, I can't EVEN....

You know what you are? The world's worst rapist. I don't mean worst in that your especially cruel or savage about it, because maybe I could actually respect that. No, I mean you SUCK at being a rapist. You come up to me time and again, try to roll me up and rub all up on me, not taking no for an answer all the while being all like "hey baby give me a shot" and "I totally washed my clothes today." Somebody with some BALLS would have at least busted out some chloroform. But not you! Like some desperate clinger on OkCupid, you just keep trying despite being shut down again and again.

As for living in a condo with Zoey, oh that's cool. But while we're making shit up, here's another one for you. You are suave and attractive.

But maybe you really do have bank. Maybe you really do hob nob with celebrities. Maybe you really DO stalk Zoey Descha-whozafuck on the daily under the guise of being neighborly. How does all that not make you even more pathetic? I mean, your some big city LA high roller, and you still can't score? Are you aware you can PAY for pussy?

And for the record, I'm not "getting any" from Engy. Engy is a tool I use for protection and occasional sadistic amusement. I'm surprised you didn't realize that. I had you figured for knowing all about being a tool.

L. O. L.

I don't make shit up, Cakes. Look at my Facebook. Check out my Twitter. When you do? Follow me!

Or just keep trying to think of ways to make me look bad. Can't score? Can't cook? Soiled clothing? Is this how you handle every encounter you have by just degrading everyone? That's gotten you pretty far. At least you'll get pinned by the greatest, most renowned Federweight Champion this place has ever had!

Whatever happened to "pulling a Raven" and moving on with your life? You could hardly compare to a guy like that, gorgeous. You'd be "pulling a Panzer", right? Which makes me think.... If you had a change of heart about that, surely you I can change your mind about a second date. This one's kind of leaving a raw taste in my mouth.

Engy's just your body guard, huh? Sorry, my mistake. I must not have made that connection just based off what I've seen the two of you do in the ring. What does he have that I don't? A win? I have one of those. Has he beat Ghost Tank? Cuz I have. Even you, the woman in the picture, is more decorated than that fiend. Flippin' imposters, man.

They call Chris Chaos and Jenny Myst the resident power couple, we could be that Madison. Maddy and 'Lypsy. To hell with Engy.

Calypso struts up like a rooster and pins Maddy!

You know what Calypso? I did have a change of heart about just giving this belt up to you. Wanna know why?

Because it's the only thing in XWF that gives you purpose. Because it makes you happy. And because you know it's the only goal here you can realistically attain. So I'm keeping it from you. I want you to long for it, like you long for the touch of a consenting woman.

Are you hearing me? My only desire, in keeping this going, is to ensure you remain as unfulfilled as you no doubt are the remaining 23 hours of your day. Your unhappiness, your longing, and your desperation are what is fueling me right now.

In fact, I'm over how utterly gross you are. I want this to go on forever. Because so long as it continues, your only means of validation in the entire fucking world remains out of your grasp. The only thing that gives you the barest whisper of meaning or purpose stays with me. I want your misery to persist into perpetuity.

Does that sound like interest, bitch? Does that sound like I'm into you? I'm willing to put up with you, a prolapsed rectum of a human being, for longer than I have to because I like seeing you unhappy. I guess that kinda sounds like marriage after all.

I hate you. How does it feel to want?

Kick out. Again.

I told you the things I loved when we first sat down. Walks on the beach, coffee in the morning, wine, fireplaces....

You know what?

I can see that you haven't been paying attention to a word I've said, just worried about ruining my life, right? If you want to waste YOUR life, fine. I know when to take a hint.

Is it funny to bash someone's legacy when you don't have one of your own? What makes you SO DAMN special that you have the place to do that? Tell me what it is, because I don't know. I thought I seen something special in you, but I guess I didn't. Third impressions are everything and I've seen a side of you that makes me sick.

I'm the five-ex Federweight Champ and, yeah, I beat Ghost Tank. You think you're keeping me from my purpose? Bitch, please! You gave me purpose. Raven gave me purpose. Ghost Tank gave me purpose. I could have sat back and watched these party-shits ruin the party, but I didn't.

Miss Maddy, if there's one other thing you didn't know about Calypso, it's that he CAN go on forever. Nothing livens me up, except an extreme foozball match, like speed dating. This has hardly been a speed date though, huh?

All night long, all night.

PS. If you ever want to talk things out again, I text you my number. I got it off the wall in a bathroom stall.

Calypso grabs ahold of Madison Dyson and ballroom dances her into a coma. He pins her in the middle of the dance floor!!!!

ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


TWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







THTHHHHHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....................................................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, you're just now picking up on the fact that I didn't give a shit about your romantic overtures? You're a special kind of stupid, aren't you?

I'm making you sick? Good. I'd feel pretty sick too if I was you.

So what is it with you people and assuming I don't have a legacy because I'm new HERE? I've been in this business for almost 10 years. And for as much as you like to flout being a five time federweight champion I've won various championships across five different promotions. If anything, I'm far more accomplished than you so yeah, I'd say that gives me every right to take a big steaming healthy shit all over the big wide awake nothing you call a "career". You beat Ghost Tank? That's funny, isn't that the guy everybody dunks on for being awful? And that's your claim to fame, right? Terrible.

You can claim all you want that it's the chase...the dance....that gives you meaning. But let's not pretend that you constantly vie for the Federweight championship because you're condescending to it. You fight so hard for it because you know you can't hack it in any of the other divisions. It's all you have. Except you don't have it. I do. Until I deign to give it up.

All night long? Yeah, I can hold up if it means keeping the only accomplishment you're capable of out of your hands. Keeping you at zero sustains me bitch. Let's do this.

Kick ouuuuuuuuuuuut.

So, I think this is over....? Could we get a ruling?

This is a close one.

But...

Winner and STILL Federweight Champion - Madison Dyson!