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Beer, Sandwiches, and Women
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The Clone of Brock Lesnar
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06-25-2017, 02:00 PM

The universe is vast and limitless; it would take eternities to discover the infinite number of worlds that lie beyond our small galaxy. Scientists ponder the prospects of alien life by narrowing down planets that have habitable conditions. They analyze factors such as the planet’s distance from the nearest star to determine if liquid water could exist and if life could survive in that habitat. News stories highlights these grand discoveries even though these earth-like planets are light years away.

But what about the world we live in? There are secrets in our world, in our own societies, that go unknown.

The world hasn’t answered critical questions about our planet and our race.

Theological, philosophical, and scientific questions fail to be sufficiently answered, and conspiracy theories are thrown around left and right in Western civilization.

Is there a kind God? Is there a caring God? What does ‘God’ even mean? Is it a Christian God or is God simply the existence of the universe and all matter? Does God even exist?

What is the meaning of life? Is there truly a post-mortem existence? Is morality relative?

How can global warming be stopped? How can the world collectively slow the process? Can we really colonize Mars? Should we start developing meal replacements to fight starvation in the growing population?

These questions are fairly localized, but they don’t take into consideration a significant part of the world. A society of outcasts that are overlooked on a regular basis. The history of this humanoid species is long overlooked, very few human beings understand the historical context that surrounds the lizard people and how that affects their lives now.

* * *
[The following is a transcript from a documentary shown to young members of the lizard people species. The video describes footage on the screen explaining the historical roots of their tribe. This helps younger lizards understand their society in today’s worlds.]

NARRATOR: …The lizard people hide in the underground tunnels. As they begin forming their first colonies in what is known now as North America, they refrain from interacting with the native, savage humans. The nomadic groups of people roam across the land, slaying beasts for sustenance. The lizard people did not want to meet the same fate.

NARRATOR: At this time, the lizard people were vastly more civilized than their human counterparts. At the 12th District Convention of the Lizards, which is widely known for announcing that the blood of female humans has compounds that can be used pervasively in medicine, the Elder lizards announced that they would begin training certain lizard people to observe human activity, learn their languages, and begin charting common human social conventions.

NARRATOR: By the time, the Europeans discovered the Americas, the lizard people could interact with human beings in a convincing manner, but only when they shape shifted into a human form. On a few occasions, lizards attempted to reveal their true forms to indigenous native Americans, and they were promptly slain.

NARRATOR: Once the people of Europe created the thirteen colonies, lizard people began appearing in settlements posing as humans and garnering positions of power.

NARRATOR: In today’s world, many lizard people hold executive positions of power in their human form or they retain wealth that has carried from generation to generation. The residual passive income that goes to the lizard tribe allows them to excel in their own work and studies separate from the human societies. This explains how lizards have discovered the intricacies related to cloning, while humans have failed to do the same thing…

[End of transcript.]

* * *
When Brock Lesnar appeared on the June 24th edition of Savage Saturday Night, he had only existed for ten days. The technology had existed for hundreds of years, but the lizard people rarely found a practical use for it.

Thomas Nixon failed to retain the Television Championship in a six way scramble at High Stakes II. If he had somehow managed to win the Deuces Wild Battle Royale and become the number one contender for Jim Caedus’ belt, then Brock Lesnar wouldn’t exist.

The day after Jack Cain won the Television Champion, Brock Lesnar was created. Well, the Brock Lesnar that wrestling fans know had always existed. He had won championships across sports and promotions. From collegiate victories in amateur wrestling to championship reigns in WWE and New Japan to becoming the UFC Heavyweight Champion. Brock Lesnar accomplished all of those things.

But that isn’t the same being that attacked Jack Cain. It only takes one strand of DNA for the advanced technology of the lizard people to work its magic. And finally, the lizard people had a human ambassador that was already recognized in the popular sphere. They have a creature that they created to do their bidding. And now he can accomplish what Thomas Nixon failed to accomplish.

* * *


“So they came to me with an offer. All the beer, all the Jimmy Johns, and all the women I want. The only thing I have to do is what I’ve been doing for my whole adult life. I don’t have to trash talk or pussy foot around with these stupid no-name idiots. I just gotta stir the pot, get all kinds of attention, and then beat the man across from me so bad that his own wife can’t recognize him. That’s all shit I’ve done before.

Hell, I don’t care about these goddamn lizards, but they’re offering me a hell of a lot and there’s not much else I could do with myself. They cloned me, they probably have heavy artillery shit hidden somewhere, and they could drop me like a fly if I turned down their offer. But who could say no to any woman in the world? Just for me?

So I walked out there in front of those fans, and I heard the cheers that I’ve heard my whole adult life. They want to see me beat some unfortunate sunnuva bitch down into the canvas, and those people are fucking lucky because that’s exactly what I do every time I’m in the ring, whether they like it or not.

Now, Thomas comes out and tries to wave me off like he’s in charge. Like he can tell me what the fuck I’m supposed to do. Well Thomas, I’m here because you can’t get shit done in this company. I’m here to manhandle two men, while you stand next to the post and watch. I don’t give a damn if you don’t want to start trouble. I don’t give a damn if you’re some goodie two shoes, rule following gentlemen.

You are lucky enough to find yourself partnered with an ass kicking Minnesotan that makes his enemies afraid of their own shadows. Be happy about that. The only thing you have to do is wait till I win, so they can raise your hand in the air.

I’ve had my phone blown up with interview opportunities asking me the same question again and again and again. They all want me to comment on some rant that Jack Cain made after I sent his ass to the emergency room. They want to know if I targeted him, they want to know if I’m out for the Television
Championship, they want to know if I’m going to go after more of the champions in the XWF.

Here’s what happened. I was sent to out to the backstage area of Savage, and I found a nice slip of paper listing all the matches. No name jackass vs. no name jackass. That’s what all the matches looked like to me. But at the very top, there was a one on one match for a title. So I kind of shrugged, then when the time rolled around, I went out to the ring and made the main event winner my bitch.
I’m not going to say that I was trying to make an impact because I didn’t try. I 100% accomplished that.

Jack Cain is stewing in his rage right now because that sack of potatoes realizes how pathetic he looked out there. Everybody in attendance and watching at home saw the big main event, but the winner immediately got his ass handed to him by a world champion. Cain is an afterthought. Nobody cares that he beat some weird looking pansy jackass in fifteen minutes. People just remember that I brought the pain.

And to Whiskey and Hog, the two motherfuckers that I have a date with on Saturday, I want to send them a word. You guys don’t seem like the biggest fools in this company. I love the troops and I love freedom. I love America inside and out. But you two are running into me at the wrong time and place because if I love anything more than the American Dream, it’s carnage. And I’m not gonna hesitate to make quick work of you two. And then I get to be served in luxury with a beer and a few sandwiches. I’ll rewatch the match three or four time in about ten minutes. I’ll watch you chumps sprain your necks. And then I’ll ask the lizard dude at my door to clone me Emma Watson for the night. So kiss your wives goodbye before our date on Saturday.”


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