So as some of you might have seen I was able to write my first role play in 5 years. It is a start but I know I still have a long way to go before my match at the PPV if I want any chance to beating Green.

So I am wondering for those who read it what are some thing I should maybe look at working on before the next one.

Thanks

See RP here: http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=27903

edited this post - 05-25-2017 07:11 PM Added RP link for you...

Looks good, and already is collecting a nice amount of "likes" from readers, so I'd say you're off to a great (re)start! Welcome back bub!

In the future, always supply a link to something you want feedback on as that will make people much more likely to read it instead of having to go search around on the boards for the piece in question. I added the link for you.

not bad bro

NOW BE MY BITCH ASS HOLE!!!!!!!!!!

Nice work, Bobert. I've seen some false starts from you in the past and if I'm being honest was half expecting you to no-show. I was pleasantly surprised that not only did you post, but it was a solid opening effort. The story is pretty straightforward, so I won't go too into story ideas until you flesh out where you want to go for yourself. This was enough to do the job of reintroducing the character, saying what you needed to say quickly, and add a little humor to keep the reader going.

I have no idea how judging is done or what is valued these days, so this is what I'd say if we were doing this a few years ago; grammar check. This RP isn't too bad, especially considering some of your OOC posts (kidding, homie) but there is some punctuation and some spelling that might have been caught on another edit. It wasn't enough to take me out of the piece, but it's always good not to lose a few points where preventable.

Also, and this is entirely up to you, have you thought about doing first person? Most of your narrative paragraphs start "Chasm does this" and "Chasm thinks about that". If you were to start writing "I think" or having more reactions to your side characters it might spice up the language a little. Also, since you're not a huge trash talker, it lets you put more match relative content into the piece "within your own head" so to speak; it'll let you be more vulnerable, sell for your opponents a bit, but never have to say those things on camera. Again, totally up to you, I just figured I'd toss it out there. Shoot me a message here or on Facebook if you're not sure what I mean, or want to talk about it at all.

Good job. Glad to see you back.

You give solid feedback. *Shaka*

The first few RPs on a return are the hardest. With that said, you did pretty well with what you have to work with. I can't wait to see how much your work improves as you become more familiar with the roster and current storylines.

(05-26-2017, 11:13 AM)Bearded War Pig Said: You give solid feedback. *Shaka*

If I'm going to give someone feedback, I'm going to try and be legit about it. Besides, Chasms an old friend. I'd like to help fast track him up the card if I can.

Thanks you the feedback, working on my 2nd now, would be lying if I said that having my opponents look like they are going to no-show hasn't made me slack on getting this rp written and up

5 years is a long ass time. Props for taking another run at it. If you want some views from someone new to XWF (but not fedding), here's my two cents....

The Good: I liked how it wasn't too much. It was humble, and you had the courage to show some indecision/doubt in character about making a return. I'm assuming you drew on some real life feels for that and it shows. It seemed very authentic and a nice change of pace from "XWF BETTER GET READY TO TAKE MY HUGE DICK" type intro stuff (guilty).

Grammar wasn't bad, but I don't care about that shit unless it's majorly distracting or makes it unreadable. Clean it up some of you want, but it didn't hurt much.

The Not As Good: Some of it read kinda awkward. This, for example...

"Chasm cuts him off and you can tell he is getting a little upset as he pretty much yells".

Read that aloud. How does it sound? I think it would have been better as something like,

"Chasm rolls his eyes and barks into the phone."

More concise, conveys that he's annoyed, but with a "less is more" sentence structure that rolls off the tongue better.

Only other critique, and it may seem kinda hypocritical given what I wrote under what's good, but I'm not sure this is particularly dynamic or memorable. While it really humanizes Chasm, its tough to make a trip through the drive thru all that exciting. It wouldn't have been my first choice, though being subtle was never a strong suit for me. Others may disagree. Punch it up some for he next one, maybe some training and an injury scare...? Just a thought.