Mechanic whirring, amplified by the concrete walls of the room, overwhelms you as walk in. You pan through the room as you recognize the musty, almost intoxicating, scent of recycled paper in the air. Individuals in overalls run about a distance away, beige overalls smeared with black splotches of black ink. It seems pretty obvious that you’re in the middle of a printing press and a busy one at that. Panning up, you notice a huge sign that says “Minuteman Press, New York City”.
Just then, covering the entire frame pops the painted face of Danny Imperial, his cherubic grin plastered on his face as usual. He gives the camera a wink, stepping away from the lens, revealing him to be standing with his arms extended out to his sides. Lifting his chin into the air, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in.
Danny Imperial
“My word, doesn’t the smell of freshly printed news just… just… just… make you want to scream?! Smells like old books and Old Man Tom’s sweat crusted leather chair. Delicioso! I can’t think of a more addictive smell, maybe petrol… Yeah petrol’s pretty high up there in delicious smells, and bacon first thing in the morning, these are good smells, yes they are!”
A dreamy looks spreads across the face of Danny, as he just stands there imagining all the smells that make him drool. His mouth hangs open and you see the drool building up in his mouth. Off frame, you hear someone clear his throat, jarring Danny back to reality, gaze affixed once more to the camera, swallowing the buildup of spit in his mouth.
Danny Imperial
“Yes, um, yes! Why are we here you might ask? Well this only one of the most famous printing presses in all of New York! This is Minuteman’s, home of all your printing and photocopying needs! Come on down to Bayside, Flushing, New York City and have your wildest paper-related needs be fulfilled! Why are we here? Well… For quite a few reasons really.
Firstly, might we just go back to Savage 8th of April? Might we just give a moment to cherish the brilliance of yours truly? Well, a moment is really all you get, because that’s about all it required for me to put that masked monstrosity down where he belongs, prostate before his lord and king. I do apologize for not painting a beautiful landscape for you wonderful fans though, I really planned on it. There were all these rumors that he was a wonderful technician, a wrestler who knew his trade, a wrestler that would complement my style and join me as I attempted to create art for you all. Unfortunately, that didn’t quite happen, he poked and prodded me and I just felt my skin crawl. I don’t know what it was, the obvious repulsiveness of the individual, or his insolent stabbing at my chest, but I lost control. I’ll admit it, Danny lost control. I usually don’t like to do that, I didn’t even get to toy with him.
Regardless, the ease with which I put him down was magnificent. I’m sure some of you can appreciate that. Ideally, that won’t be the case for any matches here on out. I really don’t believe in not giving you loves less than you’ve paid for. We all know you really only buy tickets to watch me perform these days, the roster isn’t all that much is it?”
Danny giggles to himself, looking at the camera intently, clearly issuing a challenge to every single individual on the roster. After a few seconds, someone clears his throat once more, this time causing a look of annoyance to spread on Danny’s face.
Danny Imperial
“God Jackson, will you let me have my moment? I’m trying to be intimidating here, I’m trying to… What’s the word…? Start some beef, son! If you keep interrupting me, clearly I don’t look nearly as intimidating do I. Hmph, why do I even keep you around? Okay no, don’t go, you know I love you Jacky boy, you know I probably couldn’t change my underwear without you. Speaking of which, this pair is getting a little icky, get my penguin ones ready when we head home.”
Danny pulls at the waistband of his pants, looking down them at his boxers. He nods to himself knowingly when Jackson, his butler, guardian and friend, clears his throat once more.
Danny Imperial
“Right right, well, I thought it’d be cute you know? After destroying Scully with reasonable ease, taking out Vesquez with nothing but athletic brilliance… I hope all of you noticed a pattern. I was… Wait for it… Photocopying my brilliance. I promised all of you to give you nothing but excellence, and I’ve pulled through, twice now. And this week, it’s only going to happen again. Like one of these ol’ machines churning out breaking news every single day, without fail, I’m only going to churn out brilliance day after day after day. You can rest assured that when this roll of breaking news steps into that ring, you’re going to get nothing but a good read. Be it when I crush my opponent without a doubt, or put on a show of athletic magic. Consistency, shocking headlines, brilliant artistry, those are but a few things I like to use to describe myself.”
Danny walks towards one of the machines, churning out completed newspapers. Reaching in and grabbing a bundle, he opens it out in front of him. A staff member notices this, yelling for him to stop and walking towards him. Danny takes no notice of this, straightening out the paper.
Danny Imperial
“Hmm, let’s see here, what’s today’s headlines?”
The printer comes up to Danny, trying to yank the paper from his hands. Eyes unmoving from the paper, Danny bends his right leg at the knee, holding the man back with his foot. The short, balding man struggles to get around the leg, sweat dripping from his forehead. He begins to scream profanities at Danny, the sound of machinery drowning out most of his feeble quips.
BREAKING NEWS XWF Newly Signed Superstar Learns To Google!
Drake drops the newspaper and glares straight into the camera, the smile dropping from his face.
Danny Imperial
“What. The. Absolute. Fuck. How dare you? How dare you. You think I wouldn’t know? You think Danny Imperial doesn’t have the wonders of Google at his fingertips either? Well… Jackson’s fingertips, he does all my Googling for me, I don’t really like touching keyboards, and did you know that those things are nastier than toiler seats? Ugh, make sure you don’t eat a slice of pizza after your next Google situation.
But again, what the fuck. I’m in awe. You, new blood like myself, had the absolute nerve to just read off two pages of history at me? You couldn’t even include your own flair or put your own snarky quips? I mean, we both know there’s no way you could even dream of charisma like mine, but you couldn’t even try? At least Scully could resort to homophobic quips about phalluses in my mouth. Vasquez was presumably foreign and maybe he just wasn’t comfortable speaking… You’re a doctor though. A mad one at that, isn’t odd and exciting kind of your style? I was really looking forward to it too.
I pride myself in my work Psycho; I pride myself in everything I do. Some might even say I’m arrogant. I’d like to think I’m self-confident, I know I’m better than you. I know I’m better than most, if not all, of this roster and I make sure it shows in every moment I’m in the world’s eye. My fans, XWF fans, even the old lady down the street, who by the way is doing so well. He sugar levels apparently went up last week, I saw an ambulance with its blinky lights come to rescue her, but she’s doing much better now. We had a conversation, a brief one; she even offered me some tea which was delicious. Well… It was half drunk and I kind of had to pry it off her cold arthritic claws, but it was delicious. They all know what I’m capable of.
That’s what I was hoping for from you, I was hoping you’d show me what you were capable of. I guess you did. You, my dear educated friend, are capable of running your disgusting fingers through a search bar and photocopying whatever you saw, and spewing it out of your foul smelling mouth. Ugh, I’ve been getting awfully bored what with no competition from my previous opponent and you chucking trash like this at me trying to promote a match. I’m bored, my friend, so very bored.
I hate being bored out of my skin by someone, so you better find a way to pick up the pace and make me giggle. If you don’t manage to figure out something by Monday, I’ll just have to use you as entertainment and play with your limp body until I can muster a chuckle. Either ways, you’re not walking out of that ring; they’re definitely going to be hauling you out on a stretcher, a brace around your neck. You can however affect whether it’s only going to be your neck with a brace on or not, because if you don’t enthrall me now, I’m going to have to just suck the joy out of every limb in your pathetic body.”
Danny grimaces, crumpling up the newspaper and chucking it at the balding man still trying to fight his way at Danny. You pan around to finally show Jackson, who seems to be fishing some dollar pills out of his pocket and handing it to another man who doesn’t look particularly happy. After the exchange, the man moves forward to pry his similarly dressed friend off Danny. The camera slowly dims to black.
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