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JimCaedus · (04-07-2017)

"Dumbass Darth Douche"

-Friday April 7 2017-

-The Skirvin Hilton Oklahoma City, OK, 10:05 PM-

Smiling, shaking my head as I monitor the XWF official site while uttering a derisive snort, I step out of the elevator returning from a late dinner at the Park Avenue Grill.

I make my way down the hall to my room, insert the key card into the reader and enter on the green.

I take a ten minute shower. I towel off, wipe the steam from the surface of the mirror with my hand and dance my pecs in the reflection.

"Sweet."

I move to exit the bathroom but pause.

"Oh fuck it...good a time as any to seal his fate."

I retrieve my phone and prep it for promo.

..............................

"Well howdy there Shade. Is the buxom beauty bitch watching? I thought I'd cut this promo wearing just the towel around my waist and show your cumdumpster cunt manager Hope exactly what it is she's been hoping _for_. Sure as fuck ain't to be feelin' your lame ass Grievous mask rip-off ram into her cooze continuously with your ham-handed idea and execution of oral copulation again.

Where's the response, Shade? Lookin' forward to deadline bombing me like the last handful who did and failed anyway? I've been monitoring you all damn day. For instance I saw you on the official site earlier motherfucker, I witnessed you show up a day late and a dick short for your own uncrowning in the Heavy Metal Weight Hall. I love, by the way, that you clearly DO know how to compete with secret pepperings of 'pin' but refused to try and take it right back like I did against Mini Morbid with the Federweight when I fell asleep at the wheel myself with a match coming up. That there is the difference between us. You snub a strap, win it, lose it and say, 'Fuck it, who needs a title, a paycheck and credibility? I'm Dark dicksuckin' dumbfuck Vader and victory, like intelligence, is beneath me.' Asinine assbackwards bitch. Christ, you're fuckin' Wimp-lo, bro, and even though I realize a

who calls Darth _Dark_ more than likely can't catch that pseudo obscure reference I'll say it anyway and edit _this_ shit in for your pathetic PSA benefit."

"There you have it. Who ever thought a Kung Pow character would come in handy as an apt description of the brilliance that is Shade? Poor, tardy, brainfartin' bastard... probably had to hoof it every morning after the short bus pulled away on your jag-off Johnny Come Lately ass waving plastic pistols in the air, hollerin' through a mask really nothing more than momma Shade's dirty-laundry-hamper-snatched never-douche pussy-scented-panties pulled over your face, "Hey wait! I wanna show up and do and learn absolutely NOTHING! Please! Gimme another chance at failure!' Now you're makin' me feel bad, buttfucker. How dare you make me feel bad, I'm gonna take those cheap Chyna pyro-popper pistols, DP both barrels up your rusty asterisk and fill your fart-locker fulla Fourth o' July for playin' with my emotions. Blow your belly up like Fantasmic,

.

Back to the point, how 'sneaky' you are, I also saw you spend about 3 hours undoubtedly shooting the same goddamn vignette over and over until you got it right, or more appropriately what YOU think is right, and peruse my application in an attempt to find some mistake I may have made like yours with Dark Vader or the wild swings of reported weigh-in from 155 to 189 pounds. What the hell is that supposed to mean by the way? Are you a chick with an eating disorder under that outfit? On any given day are you weighted down by 1 to 34 extra pounds of bullshit? I wish I could've seen your face when you finally finished your promo even though I KNOW you sat back with a satisfied look like some flacid fuckstick with a false sense of security, bombastically bellowing out a 'mwahahahahahaaaa'. You're an idiot like that and it shows. I'd love to see what expression you're wearing when you see this hit the air after you drop your dud you genius you. Should've done yourself a favor and researched my ass. Deadline bombing don't work on me. I expect it and I'm almost always right.

And hell...given that you most likely will meat and potatoes pissant arguments to my apt points, each very possibly segued through yet another dismal and dreary interview enacted by that cock-gobbler 'Kate' since you've got nothing else up your sleeve but paying pussy to surround you while you spit up the same ol' shit including weak predatory metaphors, I can imagine what you're going to say.

If you've got the mind, you'll probably excuse the Dark Vader ball dropping as a typo and/or call me a dork for speaking on Star Wars. To which I would question, this coming from the obvious nerdlinger numbnuts who mixes in Cloak from Marvel Comics as an inspiration for his attire on the app as well? Ain't no one knows who the fuck Cloak and Dagger are without bein' a geek so toss my also-but-proudly-dweebish-despite-being-so-sexy-anyway salad and make sure you hit up the taint while you're at it. If you don't try that, fuck you regardless, I still nailed you like Dr. Cosby at a private pill party.

You honestly can't say shit about my descriptions of your lack of ambition but I'm sure you'll make an attempt. You'll probably offer up some smug response about being too good for titles like the Heavy Metal Weight and I highly doubt you'll provide any worthwhile reasons as to why you're so absentminded you completely sat idly by while Danny took it away. The truth is, there AIN'T no acceptable excuse for disrespecting the same strap those like Dolly Waters have worn and don't lemme hear you claim you were too busy. If you're too busy to treat your meal ticket as a priority then prioritize your ass right the fuck back outta here. I mean shit, 'Shady'...from what I can see since your return to the XWF you almost always only take the time to skeet out one dribbling promo each match you're booked for. One. That means don't try saying you or your mom was sick or some other excuse like that when there's already heavy precedent for your near nihilistic attitude. Which reminds me...you better not no-show this promo war. Lord help you if you do that. If you do join in...

What else you got? Some dynamic drivel about being the Prince of Death, a monster, lion or a cat and I'm your mouse? Something to that effect? Gonna call me a 'mother fucker'? If you're a lion you can consider me that giant dildo Gerard Depardieu and expect me to show you who's truly at the top of the food chain when I gun you down and devour. Call yourself a kitty cat I'll agree and say, yes you are most definitely a pussy. Monsters? Motherfucker, when monsters retire from a long night of hiding under the bed or in the closet I resume my evening gig as the beast under THEIR bed keeping 'em awake in terror. The Prince of Death? Dick, you hold no sway over Caedus, I'm the Zombie King, cocksucker, I reanimated after seven minutes of clinical corpseification so stick that shit up your armored ass.

Matter of fact, torpedo your whole tirade, twat, you're far too fallible to fuck with me. The margin of acceptable error against me is slim, Shady, and as you fumble your way through your promo you so very likely will do so in the ring as well. You can't do that with me, I exploit. Your drive and energy? Let's just say you make Harrison Ford's tired ass tone sound giddily lively by comparison and you've shown you obviously can't keep up with me. Your ambition and initiative? Nearly nonexistent. I'm trying to retain my title while you've shown just how disinterested you are in taking it. Btw, how ignorant do you look sneering at ANY title when every single strap means a raise in pay? It makes no sense. I'm trying to figure the fuck out what exactly your motivation is for being here in the pinnacle of professional wrestling if little things like winning and retaining titles mean nothing to you. Oh right...the whole 'face of the XWF' thing which at this point can't be anything more than your deluded and desperate desire to be handed what you haven't earned. I guess that makes you an entitled brat on top of it all. Nothing like a spoiled bitch expecting the moon when a man like me is breaking his back to make an impact. Christ, WHY ARE YOU HERE??

Don't you leave though Shade, if you truly wanna be the face of the XWF I suggest you pick up your game and start learning from your encounters with your opponents. Hell, _I'll_ even meet with you backstage and give you some pointers. If not, well, we can always use more ring crew, boot lacers and go-fers. Not that any of that matters currently 'cause I'm lookin' to kick your caped ass into orbit and learn you a thing or two 'bout respect. And don't gimme any of that 'underestimating you' punkass poppycock. I'm not underestimating you I'm analyzing your ass...accurately. But fuck headshrinkin' a pea brain like yours. I'm Jim Caedus. I'm Mr 24/7. The Federweight fury. The Television Champion...and after the poor showing you've shat out yet again...it ain't no stretch of the imagination that I'll probably _still_ be the TV Champ when you're wakin' up on a stretcher with your curiously masked cock-in-mouth like some phallic representation of tongue-in-cheek."
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