"Setting Up For A Finisher"







-Monday Feb. 27, 2017, Early A.M.
Monterey, Mexico-


My Television and Federweight Titles glisten together in the early morning 3rd world sunlight cast through my hotel room window, splayed out together on the second of the double King-size beds where they'd comfortably spent the night together upon my leaving Carson, CA behind and flying out down south on Sunday. I caught myself wondering, in light of my second close call with Cadryn, if this would be one of the last times I'd see both Dorothy Rose Deveraux and the latest of my golden girls (whom I'd oddly taken to calling _Mr._ Feder Zbornak) together before my following defense at the next Savage show.

Competing as often as I do (unlike fat fuck red-headed rookie virgins who literally have nothing to do but frantically self-fap to fantasies of killing coons and "fucking" "women"), now having to keep an eye over my shoulder with the Federweight strap around my waist as well, I knew the odds _could_ eventually catch up with me and leave me without a 2 belt harem to sleep with. Thank Caedus I would NEVER let up in this promotion, my beloved home The XWF, and do whatever it took to best make sure that would never happen.

And speaking of stepping back into the fight, upon waking this morning I'd perused NOC's latest lame and ineffectual attempt to bury both Buronan and I and I knew I needed to comment. So, as always, I readied my phone for promo.

.................................

"NOC...first and foremost, you haven't been owning anyone in this donnybrook debacle thus far and you absoLUTELY have failed to capitalize in any way, the amount of time you've been blessed with to come up with something halfway decent with which to hit the Buromen. Fuck have you done beyond a thuggish-grade spray and pray of low caliber promos, hoping at least ONE contains some modicum of magic bulletry to blow our Kennedy brains out the backseat? Do your old skool fans recognize that makes you more-so a monkey than those you 'victimize' promo after promo? Do your old skool fans realize if you truly were murdering monkeys on camera your inviso hole would already be pumped opaque pink by a big buck baboon behind bars? I doubt it...reality never applies to your fugazi ass and fans. Pathetic.

I'm sorry, did you actually say the words that 'God doesn't even know...'? Regardless of what he does or doesn't know, do YOU understand you've now blown off your own translucent toes and sabotaged your own stupid ass gimmick to sound slick? God is supposedly omniscient. If Zero is unaware of anything whatsoever, including the knowledge that he's gonna get gimped up in round 2, that would invalidate any claims that he's God and instead drive home that he's really nothing more than a character acting out a role in your realm of unreality. Much like you. I'm not selling the horseshit you shovel, shithead, I'll just continue pissin' on your playbill and wipin' my rancid ass with it. And you, you'll just keep pushing the angle you've already fucked up because you're incapable of creating anything else. Talk about low click worthy warfare...who's promos lack the x-factor of drawing the most fans for views? Have you not been keeping track of your _own_ 'popularity' on our illustrious promotion's official site? Pound for pound it's the Buromen who outweigh the majority of your stabs. Is all you have to offer textbook self-projection of your own failings upon your clearly superior opponents? WAKE up and smell the smegma, pussy, you've been poopin' paltry, not birthing badassery.

Calling the Buromen fags? Is that supposed to piss either of us off? You gonna bite my shtick, fuckstick, or are you actually gonna TRY to fight back with your own demolished devices? I think all you've _got_ is what you've shown. That's why when your team gets booted to the fucking moon you and Zero will disappear 'round the dark side _of_ 'til you receive the next calling as enhancement talent, which, really is the only worth you've got around here.

'(I) get no ass as a homeless guy'? NOC...are you TRYING to lose this all for your client and Crowe? It isn't enough you've been clogging our airwaves with promo after promo repeatin' the same ol' shit like a paraplegic beatin' his bee sting of a limp noodle, you gotta start desperately popping off contrived blanks in my direction too? Fuck am I supposed to say to that? 'Oh yeah!? I get TONS of fairy hidey-hole as a hobo, so put THAT in your fleshlight and fuck it!' Keep it up, dick, you won't have any fans left; even THEY at this point must be arguing if eating a fucking bullet wouldn't beat out sitting through another one of your blockbusters.

NOC it wouldn't matter if you were on promo 999 of 1000 you'd still be spectacularly struggling to keep up with US in quality. Period. You suck at this. You haven't yet forced a steepling of my fingers and brows in concern and you never will. You're a loser and you always will be. Literally EVERY opponent I've faced since signing my contract has in one way or another seeded some small amount or greater of doubt in my mind of victory. Crowe hasn't said a WORD and I'm still worried about his two cents. _You and Zero_? Laughable. Don't you fret about Buro-bro and I takin' a break from breakin' your bitchass down...we've both got something very special in mind for your asses in our next solo promos. Your client will be begging and blowing, pleading me to take him under my wing once I've crushed your invisible balloon head beneath my very visible boot heel. Of course, I'll decline and rip his mortal ass in half before considering an alignment with the only true rookie I've come across in this business since '96. Suck my double-championship having dirty dick, NOC, you're nothing compared to Killer Caedus and Bro-nan the Barbarian."

A muffled voice suddenly rings out:

"I












AM












BURONAN!!!!!"


What the fuck!?

I hop off the bed forgetting I'm mid-promo.

"B? You in here?"

'During your last search for B he fell through the ceiling...no telling where he might be hiding this time. Check your surroundings.'

I slide towards the bathroom and enter, ripping the shower curtain aside...no Buronan. Okaaaaaaay... I turn to take in the space beneath the bathroom sink. Nope. I look to the toilet...

'Hey, it's the XWF.'

I raise the lid. Nope, no surprise entrance in there. Anyway, it'd be NOC who'd secrete his silly, shitty ass in a butthole's bff if any. I exit the bathroom and spy the dresser.

'He IS a little guy...'

I pull open each drawer to no avail. Goddammit... I check behind the curtain...nothing.

I check the mini fridge. No Brosicle in there...

My eyes settle upon the upside down plastic ice receptical. I shrug, turn it over. STILL no Buronan.

'Well where the hell... Wait...he couldn't POSSIBLY-'

Yeah I getcha...where ELSE could my buddy be hiding? Ain't but two things left. The beds.

I casually glance over to the bed on which stretch my belts...

'I thought you had 18 20 vision, you didn't see that adult human sized lump under the covers next to the golden girls while you were gazing at them earlier in this VERY PROMO!?'

I throw back the covers to a grinning Buro-bro.

"B!!?? What the fuck!!??"

'No wonder he got the drop on you at his house, this guy is a _silent assassin_, I fuckin' _love_ 'im!'

"Bro-nan...what are you doing?"

"Keeping an eye out for any invading slippery see-through shitbirds you can't see but can still smell a mile off by the cisgender-semen-scented halitosis. You're WELCOME."

'This guy is a goddamn genius!'

_Yeah_ he is. I think I'm already dumpin' on my decision to never trust another human soul again.

"Thank you B. I owe you an apology for the other day. With all that Cady-Clique chaos I got paranoid as fuck and I treated you like a possible enemy. I'm an asshole for that. You can hit me if you wa-"

Buro-bro lands a punch like a mack truck to my jaw. I see stars for a second before he comes back into view.

GodDAMN. Meh, I had it coming.

"_Nice_ bro...fuuuuck _me_. STILL better than watching a NOCMM promo though. So...how long have you been in my room man?"

"No where near long enough, Jim. Did you not hear the needle-dicked manager of a fat ginger's latest promo?!? You and I are both cowards who have been so underwhelmingly owned by a barrage of autism-speaks commercials from NOCMM. I figure, the only way to cure our ills would be to slay the creatures who creep into our rooms at night and use our fears to drive us into masturbating to videos of Disney-chicks taking invisible dicks."

"Jesus. It's like you're always two or three steps ahead of the game, Buro-bro!."

"I do pride myself in my astute, god-given foresight. See, you and I have been at least two steps ahead of Team Knuckle-Drag at every turn. Just wiping away everything on the surface, just subtracting from our minds that Hero loses about ninety percent of the time he steps into an XWF ring, just forgetting the fact that NOCMM had to pad Hero's records and accolades with a plethora of fake news and alt-facts on his XWF profile to compensate for his lack of manhood, just overlooking the fact that Hero was unable to will a one man team in round one and was shown pity because he's a rainbow Carebear coddling suck ass who relies on participation trophies to get by... this fact remains: no matter how hard he tried, no-showing partner or not, Hero XTreme 7.9 was never going to be better than either of us on his best day, Jimmy.

NOCMM began getting off all over the internet-of-things last night at this idea that you and I have somehow balked at our upcoming match against him and Shaun No-Show-Crowe; obviously never once mentioning that his partner has hung him out to dry, which is a whole-nother point to the Gen X fallacy by itself. But firstly let's just examine that for what it is- yes, The Buromen have completely lost interest in you and your client NOCMM, as has the entire XWF.

Laughably enough, it happened at even a quicker rate then your last stint with the company where you two lost night after night, after night, losing to rookie after rookie, after rookie- with a crowning achievement of defeating Thundersmut X, one of the most people to ever scoot ass first through the XWF halls.

Why would anyone give a fuck about you? For as much as you like to try and demean and disparage people who actually do put in REAL work, people who stick around and win titles and defend them week after week like Jim Caedus here; all you do is spam the airwaves and drain the company broadband with a bunch of post-op lobotomy dick drivel that in the end leaves real winners like Jimothy and I feeling sorry for your Podunk ass.

Sure the first couple of ones might be cute, they might be clever, hell I'm sure they'd go over the moon with a class room of horny little eighth grade Beavis and Butthead's, but one of these days you need to wake up and realize that your in a man's arena now- and you wasted all of your time on a little game of charades with an AIDS infested ginger's cock shoved up your gaping manhole.

Talk about lazy? NOCMM, you are literally the laziest piece of shit I've ever witnessed attempting to be edgy and badass. What difference does it make to me if you upload 1000 promos, if at the end they all appears to have Drezdin as the producer? Do you know who Drezdin is? Likely not, you don't give a fuck about the XWF or anything that happens here outside of Hero XTreme- which completely negates your little "Love for the oldkool" fallacy.

Well here's Drezdin:

drezdin Said:oh and by the way before I go you might want to use the four days that you have left to prepare on how YOULL BE MY BITCH!!!!! after I get don't with you. THEN THERE YOU WILL...BE...MMMYYY...BITCH ASS WHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Autism speaks.

Here's NOCMM:

frenched up Drez Said:I doubt Jim Caedus is getting any ass at all. Fags hate the homeless.

What's the point in even responding to something so ridiculous? Your client can't ever get the job done in the ring so you grandstand every time someone is dumb enough to allow you to speak as a means for it all to not be on you. I mean what better way to deflect responsibility then claiming that your client is a God and the only time he loses is when he lets people win. Sorry, two years ago at Lethal Lottery 3, Hero lost to list longer than Jericho's of eventual fucking nobodies in one match- that's not a God, that's just a shitty wrestler.



Oh look, there's Hero second from the left and the match full of nobodies he lost to- and no that isn't fake news, that's from the official XWF PPV. Look at him, all metro-emo, gingery and .

But that's why Ceadus and I were silent for as long as we could be, we were sparing the XWF from listening to you moan while ass fucking monkeys. You're a little sissy-fied crybaby who resorts to gay jokes when he's run out of racists jokes, racist jokes when he's run out of dick jokes. See, this could have all literally been over the second I decided to show myself, but I'm merely playing down to your level- because the only way for any of this to be remotley interesting is for you to keep blathering like the parvo stricken chihuahua you've proven yourself to be. So score all of the points with the old school doofus' you want, because once your client steps back into that ring with Buronan, he's going all alone once again. Only this time, Jim and I are going to personally make sure it's the last time he ever shows his face again."

'BRO NAN!! BRO NAN!! BRO NAN!!'

"B, you're fuckin' badass."
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