Both Killjoy and Cadryn have seemingly ended their verbal salvos, satisfied they've done a number on Robbie Bourbon without even having laid a finger on him. Their charade is complete, which is all well and good. Robbie, on the other hand, has yet to get his regular training in for his upcoming match.

But it's fucking Valentine's Day.

HEARTBREAKER

We open to see a lovely, if not very chilly, view of the Georgetown Waterfront. The Water Garden is in full display as the streams of water cascading from and into the fountain dazzle and astound passersby coming and going from either Georgetown to the northwest or the Kennedy Center to the southwest, and frankly, the place is absolutely packed. Red and pink balloons shaped like hearts adorn chairs at the local restaurants, roses are being sold out of baskets by clever entrepreneurs looking to capitalize on the day most men make up for Christmas mistakes with overpriced and garish frivolities with the hope they'll be able to get frisky with their mates, dates, or even acquaintances. The women buy men gifts too, but really, what am I supposed to do with a stuffed bear other than hold it as a token that I am taken?

As serene violin music plays, the mood is right for romance, as everything seems to be going swimmingly here at the Waterfront for lovers of all ages. Suddenly, there's a stir as the violin music rapidly changes to fiddle music, which is very similar but distinctly different from violin music. The camera shifts to show Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, and Xtreme Travel Agent, possible victim of Stockholm syndrome and Cyberjaw's main squeeze, at a table enjoying an evening out on Valentine's Day.

Huh.

I know! The violin just got all xtreme!

I know, it's weird...

I like it!

The table, set for two with glasses of water, forks, spoons, knives, plates, a little basket with a few pieces of bread missing from it, and a candle, is swept with a swift backhand action from Xtreme Travel Agent.

TAKE ME NOW!

Woah, uh...

Several diners, all taken aback by the change in music, all turn and stare at the kerfuffle at Cyberjaw and XTA's table. Slicing through the air with a sharp "whoosh", suddenly two arrows are sticking out of the necks of two of those who were looking on. The pair is an elderly couple, hand in hand, probably celebrating their 40th or 50th Valentines together. Instead of falling over, dead, in a heap, they instead turn and look at each other sourly and begin to argue.

"Why don't you ever want to do that to me in public?"

"Why aren't you as hot as your sister?"

Cyberjaw and XTA look at the couple along with everybody else. Again, two arrows pierce the night and hit another couple in the neck. This duo is far younger. The lady begins crying.

"Why don't you care about me as much as my boss does?"

"Why don't you ever wear that stuff I got you from Fredrick's of Hollywood?"

The continue to squabble, contributing to the discord growing from the elderly couple.

Uh, I think we should call Robbie.

Maybe...

Two arrows streak down from the heavens and nail Cyberjaw and XTA in the neck.

Maybe you shouldn't be such a pussy and deal with your problems without crawling to Robbie!

Same to you, bitch!

Both Cyberjaw and XTA go back and forth as the camera tilts upward to show a portly man in a diaper hovering in the sky with tiny wings beating profusely to keep his cherubic form airborne. He's holding a bow and in his quiver is several more arrows. The man's grin is highlighted by his five o'clock shadow and cigar stump hanging from his teeth, unlit but very much chewed.

Dat's right. Youz little lovers ain't so special nowz, not with da Heartbreaker on da scene! Haw!


Meanwhile...

We see the Donkey Kong rape van pull up in front of the Robbie Bourbon Dojo for the Competitive Arts. The driver's side door opens and Robbie Bourbon hops out holding a dozen roses looking very contented with himself. He's wearing a gray striped polo shirt, khakis, black sneakers, and his mask. He walks around to the back door of the van and opens the doors wide, revealing an inocuous plastic bag and several more dozens of roses. Random students from within come outside and start grabbing roses. As soon as they are all within the hands of the Bourbon Men, Robbie grabs the plastic bag. They all walk inside, Robbie leading the way, and the camera follows.

I really hope she likes 'em.

Robbie is still beaming over the amount of roses he's bought, easily a gross amount. Not icky, but a dozen dozens. He walks steadfastly through the dojo as everybody stops what they're doing to watch. The hair salon stops snipping, the patrons drinking coffee in Dunkin Donuts stop sipping, the cooks in the kitchen stop slicing onions and potato chipping, and the students in the ring stop wristlock gripping. He walks up to his office door, and rather than swinging the door wide open as usual, he knocks. We hear Blue from inside.

What?

Her reply is snappy, and impatient.

Honey, it's me.

Why are you knocking? I thought you were...

The door opens and we see Blue, dressed casually in sweatpants and a cut-off Dope Show t-shirt.

Jesus!

No, don't say that, he'll actually show up.

Nah, he's busy, getting ready for Lent. Did you get me all those?

Blue, who is gobsmacked, points at the flowers. Not only the dozen that Robbie is holding, but the dozens more the students are all holding.

Yeah! Happy Valentine's day, babe, I love you!

Robbie leans in and kisses Blue, who is also a foot and one inch shorter than him. She giggles and grabs Robbie back the back of his head, her fingers caressing the laces of his mask as she presses his face harder against hers.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!"

The assembly in the dojo all echoes out at the sauciness of the moment. Robbie drops the dozen roses and puts his arms around Blue, reaching down to squeeze her butt. Blue lets go as Robbie stands upright, both with their eyes locked with one another.

"Get it big man!"

One of the students holding some roses hollers and starts giving a thumbs up.

Take a lap.

Without looking away from Blue, Robbie issues the command. The student rolls her eyes and sighs, hands a dozen roses to another student, then leaves to take a circuit around the massive Bourbon dojo.

So, I got the guys in the kitchen whipping up a little dinner for us.

Awesome!

Then I guess you can get packed up to head to El Paso.

Yeah, well, you know how it goes, babe.

I know, just don't get into anything too weird with Killjoy or Cadryn.

What do you mean?

They're, well, kinda fucked in the head and all is what I'm saying. Don't stoop to their levels.

Oh, well, I was going to make them some valentines!

Really?

Yeah!

Robbie brushes past Blue and into the office, whisking her in with him by the hand while still holding the plastic bag. The camera follows as they close the door, leaving all the students and 144 or more dying roses outside. Robbie dumps the contents of the bag onto his desk. A package of construction paper and a glitter pen. He opens a drawer, sees a bunch of slide whistles, shakes his head 'no', then opens the next drawer. He pulls a pair of scissors out. He opens the package of construction paper and grabs two pieces of red paper. Blue rolls her eyes.

Oh, really snazzy!

Robbie acknowledges her sarcasm with a brief sigh.

Yeah, yeah, look, they were out of all the XWF valentines, you know, the ones with D'Ville's face and a caption saying "Happy Valentine's, My Friends!"

Those were the creepiest things I've ever seen.

Yeah, well, you know me, I like to make things for people sometimes, it's nicer, from the heart.

Is that a pun?

Huh?

Because you're the Hart Champion.

Uh, no. I hate making puns.

Bullshit.

Whatever, look, here's the first valentine, I'll do it for Cadryn.

Don't, uh, don't give him any ideas. He's really sexually frustrated and confused, he's been masturbating while talking about you for two weeks now, and he's even got his voiceover guy to start interacting with him like it's some kind of fourth wall break.

I know, I know, I think it's all a show.

Well, that's what worries me, if that's all a show, who in their right mind would find it entertaining? It's really just, I dunno, weird.

Okay.

Robbie shakes the glitter pen and starts writing on the crudely cut red construction paper heart.

There.

He holds it up to the camera, and it reads;

Roses are red
Obsidian is black
Your life would be better
If you started smoking crack

That's awful.

What, I'm terrible at coming up with rhymes.

Bullshit.

Seriously, if Cadryn Tiberius actually found something to do with himself, like smoke crack, his life would actually improve exponentially. I mean, how shit does someone have to be that smoking crack is a means of bettering yourself?

As shitty as Cadryn's?

As shitty as Cadryn's, that's absolutely right. Here's a guy who's telling me, and Jim, and the whole world that we haven't knocked him down, or put him out of the fight. And how could we, we don't fight until tomorrow night. See, crack addicts actually possess a sense of time; time to smoke crack, time to get more crack to smoke. Cady, on the other hand, well he's just walking around without any concept of time and thinks the fight has already happened, or is happening. He's kind of a warped guy.

Yeah, be careful.

Careful, schmareful. What's the worst that can happen, I smash him in the fucking dome and unscramble his brains?

Like bopping a broken TV?

Exactly.

Well, in that case, hit him really, really hard.

Well, heh, yeah.

Robbie grabs the next red construction paper heart.

Okay, this one's for Killjoy.

Robbie writes using the glitter pen on the second heart, then reveals it to the camera. It reads;

Roses are red
And drugs are no joke
Turn your life around
And give crack a toke

Huh. Seems a little similar to what you wrote for Cadryn...

I know, but again, if Killjoy started smoking crack, maybe he could actually find himself. Here's a little kitten that spent the better part of two weeks wishing he was me.

I think he was trying to mock you.

Pfft. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, even if it's dollar store and it's depriving me of my royalties checks. I'm the Alaskan King Crab of the XWF, succulent, hearty, and the most dangerous catch.

If you say so...

Killjoy is a plate of imitation crab meat served by a guy in a bow tie telling you "I just flew in from Poughkeepsie and boy are my arms tired."

What restaurant even does that?

None. No restaurants do that. If Killjoy started smoking crack, however, he wouldn't have to play dress-up and pretend, and give us the same kind of huckster humor from Kentucky Fried Movie. He'd be the crackhead, see, an edgy and twisted fellow with a dangerous itinerary. Maybe, just maybe, someone would be able to take him as a serious threat instead of wondering what kind of 'boing' sound effect he makes when you punch him.

So, your valentines are just urging your opponents to start smoking crack?

That's not all!

Robbie reaches into his pocket and pulls out two very small baggies, about the size of a postage stamp, each containing a white rock.

Oh my God, honey, where did you get that?

Never you mind, babe, it's not for consumption.

Were you talking with Unknown Soldier again?

Hushabee.

Robbie reaches into his desk and pulls out a roll of duct tape. He tears off two small pieces and sets the roll back on his desk. Robbie duct tapes each bag of crack to each valentine and then sets them on his desk.

Welp, that's done.

Wait, are you just trying to get them hooked on crack so you have leverage to pimp them out?

Um...

Jesus!

Blue slugs Robbie on the shoulder. Robbie giggles.

You know me too well.

Seriously, hun, that's really messed up.

Well, it's all legal. I gave myself the license to do it with an executive order when I was president.

So you're telling me that when you were president last fall, you had the foresight that you would send Cadryn Tiberius and Killjoy crack in February?

Well, I figured I'd send crack to someone, sometime.

Ah. No wonder Trump got elected.

What, I'm too young to be president. Anyhow, let's go do dinner.

We hear a knock at the office door.

What?

Blue is just as snappy as before.

"Uh, you guys should see this..."

Robbie gives Blue a peck on the cheek as her eyes widen with a sudden delight from the sentiment. She slaps Robbie's ass as Robbie opens the door.

Ow!

Robbie starts rubbing his ass as he steps out of the office with Blue following behind. They both stop and gawk at the same thing everybody in the dojo is watching, the news as presented on a massive flat screen television hanging on the wall of the dojo.

"...at this time, the Georgetown Waterfront is now under quarantine as the Metro police try to contain the assailant, known as Heartbreaker, who has been driving patrons mad with some device."

The screen shows the DC Waterfront, full of arguing couples. Amidst them all, we see Cyberjaw and Xtreme Travel Agent going back and forth. The camera turns to show Blue and Robbie, both of whom look less than pleased.

Honey, I...

I'll tell the kitchen to hold off on dinner.

Robbie turns and looks at Blue with sorrow in his eyes.

I'm sorry, babe, I...

Blue puts her hands on either side of Robbie's massive head and stands on her tip toes to kiss Robbie. She caresses his masked cheeks as she steps back down onto the soles of her feet.

Go do what you do.

Robbie whistles and Robo-Rob, the robot from Rocky IV painted to look like it's wearing a Robbie Bourbon mask, rolls up to him, holding the Hart Championship Belt.

Thank you, squire.

Happy birthday, Paulie.

Robbie puts the Hart Championship Belt around his waist and runs out the door.

I hope those modifications Cyberjaw installed work.


Moments later...

We see a police blockade on Wisconsin Avenue right underneath the Whitehurst Freeway. The Donkey Kong rape van pulls up at breakneck speed, cornering in and braking with a loud screech and a billow of smoke from the tires. Robbie hops out of the van as an officer approaches.

"Thank god you're here, Bourbon. Everything's going nuts."

I saw. What're the details?

"Well, he's like some anti-cupid, making couples and people on dates fight like cats and dogs."

Oh, so, some kind of weird mind control chemicals?

"Uh, I don't know, this kind of wild shit is what you're here to deal with."

Is he bent on world domination?

"What? Not that we've heard. Why do you ask?"

No reason. Alright, let me have a look see and I'll do what I can.

The police all part and allow Robbie Bourbon to pass. He walks calmly down the path to the Georgetown Waterfront, where the scene is bedlam. Everybody is arguing with someone else, the shouting and verbal tirades echoing like a thousand episodes of Jerry Springer playing on a thousand televisions at once. Suddenly, an arrow nails Robbie right in the neck.

Heh, bullseye, I gotz dat fat chump walking alone. He looks like he'll do some damage.

Robbie grasps at what just hit him in the neck as he falls to a knee. "Jesus, what the fuck! I gotta get that asshole quick, but..." Robbie shakes his head and blinks a few times. "...but I really hate it when Blue folds my underwear inside out! Damn, it's annoying! I also hate it when she hogs the covers! Why do I put up with that woman? I'm a fucking wrestling megastar, one of the greatest athletes on the planet, I could have any woman I want!"

Heartbreaker swoops down and stands next to Robbie.

Aw, whats da matter, you mad at youz lady friend? Har.

She confounds me!

Datz what significant others do, ya know.

She makes my blood boil sometimes! Always doting on me after matches, making sure I'm not hurt, making sure I don't get hurt, always looking out for me! Doesn't she know I'm a grown ass man?

Datz right, pal! Da Heartbreaker knows, and da Heartbreaker will free you of your stupid relationship.

Grah! You're right!

"I can't believe I've been duped for so long!" Robbie reaches into his pocket and pulls his phone out. "I'm going to call that woman and let her know we're over! No more of this bullshit!" Robbie swipes on his phone and he sees the picture of he and Blue taken on their first date, his wallpaper. He scowls. "Waste of digital space, that's what that is." Robbie goes to his address book, and pulls up the name Blue, and just as he's about to hit the icon to dial, his phone goes dead. "Shit, I'll have to tell her about it when I get home!"

Whatz da matter, you need to borrow my phonez or sumpin?

Nah, I'll deal with her when I get done here.

Well, whattya gotta do here? Ain't no ladies here, no love, no noffin. And what's with dat belt?

This, this is the Hart Championship.

Har! Da Heartbreaker will always beat da heart! Did your lady friend give dat to ya for Valentine's or sumpin?

Robbie looks at the Heartbreaker.

Nah, the only thing she ever gave me was...

Robbie shakes his head again.

She gave you guff, and grief, and nuttin but a headache, right?

Robbie shoves Heartbreaker.

All she ever gave me was love.

Oh, youz a wise ass, huh?

Heartbreaker pulls out his bow and knocks another of his angst filled arrows.

Youz look kinda big, maybe you need anudda shot.

As Heartbreaker lets go of the fletching of the arrow, Robbie whips the Hart Title up in a flash from his waist and blocks the projectile, causing the arrow to shatter and splinter all over the ground. Heartbreaker, panicked by the reaction from Robbie, takes off into the air. Robbie slaps the belt back around his waist and presses on the plate itself, and a pair of jets unfold from the side plates. With a deafening sound of jet moving air, Robbie is aloft and after Heartbreaker.

Whoz da hell are youz?

Robbie catches up to Heartbreaker and grabs his tiny wings. He then grabs one of the arrows from the quiver and jams it straight into Heartbreaker's diapered ass.

I'm Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon, XWF Hart Champion.

Robbie then flings Heartbreaker to the ground below, right in front of a cavalcade of DC Metro police officers. Robbie soars down from the sky and lands next him. He grabs Heartbreaker's wings and with both hands crushes them, causing them to snap and break and form some very non-aerodynamic zig-zag. Robbie then snatches the bow and breaks it. At an instant, the people on the waterfront all stop arguing, look at each other, and in a moment of wondering why they were arguing, laugh and embrace each other.

Youz bastard!

Fucking right I'm a mean bastard.

The police put Heartbreaker in handcuffs and start to stuff his cherubic body into a police cruiser. Cyberjaw and XTA approach Robbie.

Hey, what're you doing here?

Dealing with another weirdo. How come the supervillains all come to DC now?

Well, thanks. Now we get to go have make-up sex!

I didn't need to know that.

Hundreds of people around the Waterfront all start to leave, presumably to go have make-up sex. An officer approaches Robbie.

"Thanks, Bourbon, you did good. You got something special with your old lady tonight?"

Dinner.

"And?"

Dinner. She's on the rag, and I'm looking for blood tomorrow in El Paso.