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Cadryn Tiberius · **02-14-2017, 10:22 AM**

Graves, and Jesus, and time travel, oh my!

Today we find our hero nursing a major migraine. Cadryn has never been a drinker. Sure, he stole a few sips of his mom's liquor, but that was more to try and numb himself before she jerked his oddly shaped cock. Regardless, we find Cadryn laying in bed. Wrapped up in a Disney princess sleeping bag, clutching his TMNT doll, the one with the hole in the crotch, tightly.

It's been a rough few weeks for our champion. Between having his ass handed to him physically, and having his ass handed to him verbally, he really doesn't have much left in the tank.

Or does he?

Naw, he busted.

Cadryn: Jeff, I can still win this.

You can't buddy. I can't write anything remotely as good as those two. Truth be told, I was hoping KJ would carry me. But, alas, it is my back that hurts.

Cadryn: I can rub some Bengay on your shoulders.

This is why you're going to lose. You're concentrating more on touching men than on the actual match.

Cadryn: That's just not true..

Poppycock.

Cadryn: You said cock, hah!

This is why we can't have nice things.

Cadryn’s ass becoming more chapped at the thought of his own handler calling him gay, he begins to devise a witty retort.

Cadryn: ...I'm not gay.

This is 400% bullshit..

Cadryn: Anyways, it's not over. At least not for me, because..

Suddenly the camera pans to the TV placed along Cadryn's bedside.

“And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”

Cadryn hops out of bed quickly, as if someone shoved an 8 ball of cocaine up his ass.

Cadryn: I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT, BOURBON BOYS. YOU'RE GONNA GET THE DICK, ALL OF THE DICK, MORE DICK THAN YOU CAN WITHSTAND.

Dude..What the fuck kind of psych up speech is that? Jesus Christ, this whole experience says all kinds of weird things about me as a person. If my wife found out I sit here and write gay comedy she'd probably leave my ass.

Cadryn: I told her.

...Dick.

Cadryn: Jeff, I can't lose this match. I've done nothing but talk shit on the Bourbon Men, thanks for that by the way. If I lose, I'm going to be laughed out of the XWF.

Well, get ready to be laughed out. I'm out of gas, friend. My creative juices have run dry.

Cadryn: Say it ain't so, boss!

Afraid so, brother.

Cadryn: I tell you what, give me one last shot at this. Let's go down in a blaze of cock sucking glory!

Dude..Your motivational moments leave a lot to be desired. But, what the hell. Here is your last chance to put a nail in their over sized, shared, coffin.

Cadryn: Gentleman, we all know this isn't my forte. I'm funny, I'm off the wall with my comedy, and I'm overly gay in situations that don't call for it. So let me just say, it has been an honor to work with you, and to give you my everything. The odds have been against me since day one. You two are two of the greatest stars to ever grace the XWF with your presence. And between your ever present talent and a seemingly missing partner, I've been written off. By you, by the XWF, and by the world. So needless to say, I've had my work cut out for me. Which is going to make this victory over the two of you that much sweeter.

From the beginning you've done nothing but call me derogatory names, speak negatively about my intentions, and my talent. The barrage of gay jokes has seemingly come to an end. The last few promos you boys cut have been all about Killjoy. You've made more mistakes than you've made actual progress. You two have done everything in your power to break me down, to tear my soul out. Your words, your threats, every one of them dripping with disdain and jealousy. But guess what? I'm still here, I'm still standing. As I've said before, the fact that the two of you have have nothing in your arsenal to combat my intelligence is laughable. I won't lie, at first I was shaken. Down right terrified. After what you both did to me, two weeks in a row, it had me wondering if I could even compete with the two of you. The answer is: Yes. Because all you've done is show the world how one dimensional you are. You're bigger than me, which means you're slower than me. And when I say slower, gentleman, I mean both physically and mentally. The game plan since day one has always been the same. Regardless of my partner, I will move on to round two. Sadly for the both of you, you will not. Jim, I made jokes about your life, and your struggles, and that obviously left a bad taste in your mouth. I did the same with you, Robbie. And this whole time you've convinced yourselves that you know me. That I'm such an easy target, and that I can be abolished with ease. As you both know by now, I'm anything but easy. I've taken you to the end of your mental capacity and back, and everything you say is always the same. It's always so angry, so hateful. And all I've done the past couple of weeks is laugh at your failed attempts to rile me up. But, of course, I had to play the part. I had to look and act scared, and upset. That couldn't be further from the truth.

In closing, I just want to wish you the best of luck. Your talent has taken you further than you ever anticipated, but that stops here and now. But be aware, this is far from over. If I win the entirety of Lethal Lottery, or I lose in the first round, I will be coming back for you both. With or without Killjoy, I'm going to leave everything in that ring on Wednesday night. Win or lose, I will not falter because those titles that you so proudly wear, those belong to me. You've held onto property that you do not deserve for far too long. Understand, gentleman, that I'm about to Cap’N Crunch that ass.

Holy shit, that was pretty impressive for a guy who can't tie his own shoes.

Cadryn: You say the things that cut me so deep..

Well, pitter patter, let's get atter.

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