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Chris Chaos · **12-29-2016, 08:57 AM**

New Years Resolution

So this is how it is going to be? Vinnie is basically going to give me the night off? Nami and Drezdin? Hell, they are Ted and Dave all over again. Nothings. Nobodies. Pee-ons. I mean, I’ll take the light work schedule, but I said I was going to be a fighting champion. I thought my first match after winning the belt versus Dolly Waters was a nice little challenge, albeit non-title. Now I get to tear apart XWF’s resident circus acts. I mean come on, a clown and a pirate? This is something out of a children’s book, not a professional wrestling script.

These were the thoughts going through Chris’s head as he sat in a cushioned leather seat, looking out the tinted window of his limousine as it rolled down the crowded New York streets. Usually he would take his Jeep but in a city that is 13 miles long and 2 miles wide with 15 million people in it….no thanks. He’d end up fighting someone and getting arrested before he even made it to Savage.

He kind of liked the limo life, he wasn’t going to lie. It was a bit of a redemption for him. Ever since surviving the chamber and winning the Universal Titles it had been morning shows, radio station phone calls and media photo shoots. Everyone wanted to talk to Chris Chaos. Two weeks ago, nobody cared about Chris Chaos. Two weeks ago he was just another face in the crowd. Now, he was riding in style and Vinnie was paying for it. Good, fuck him.

But this limo thing was probably just a one time deal. Who knows.

And now I have to focus on two opponents. One who could model for a Peter Pan Division for Lane Bryant and the other who is nothing but a 7 foot plus freak who was too clumsy to pursue sports. How did I get so lucky? My birthday isn’t until August. I get to usher in the new year of chaos properly. I get to kick two heads off shoulders and go into the new year 1-0. I don’t care about Thomas Nixon. I don’t care if the TV Title is the main event on Savage….THIS is the main event. Why? Well simply because I am there. These people are coming to see me, and I am going to give them a show.

Chris blew on the window, seeing the condensation cover it then quickly disappear. He knew Jenny and Bruce were also there, drinking champagne and laughing. They were soaking this in. Living the good life because of him. That is fine, for now. Chris had plans for the new year that he needed to focus on at the moment. Plans that included ending the careers of two dishrags that Vinnie obviously doesn’t have the balls to fire. That’s fine, he would do the dirty work for him.

I am going to be in the middle of Times Square, on nation television, beating up on two people. Man, there are perks to this. I get to fight in the same bullshit matches and get my win loss record up. Beautiful thing. Now I have to do all of these appearances and talk about it. Why can’t I let my in-ring ability do my talking for me? I have to go on television and smile and act nice. Why can’t Nixon do these things? He is the TV Champion. Just let me be. Plus, I mean, come on, how fun will it be to see Nami and Drezdin embarrass themselves AGAIN on national TV? Let me do what I do and kick some ass and let Nixon do the cute little interviews. But, I am here now, so might as well get this out of the way.

The limo rolled to a stop outside Rockefeller Center, home to the giant Christmas Tree that is a staple of NYC every winter. They would have it up for only a few more days. Chris ever understood this. This tree was hundreds of years old. It was minding its own business and you uproot it, essentially killing it, and putting it smack in the middle of the nation’s biggest city just so millions of people can look at it for a month? That is all this tree’s triple digit life is worth? People’s enjoyment. It was kind of sick, actually. Morbid.

Construction crews were actually there to begin the preparation for removing the tree. The limo door opened and Jenny and Bruce got out first. The flash bulbs were already penetrating the New York daylight. Chris took a big inhale, blew it out, put the XWF Universal Title belt over his shoulder and stepped out of the limo.

Instantly there was an outpouring of people calling his name, the clicking of cameras, and phone’s, recorders, and microphones shoved in his face. Due to increased security, he was able to make his way incident free to the Today Show set. Sitting and waiting for him was Matt Lauer, Savannah Guthrie, Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb.

Damn. All four? Pulling out the big guns today. Real hard hitting questions. Pssht.

Chris shook all four of their hands before taking a seat in the middle with Matt and Savannah on his left and Kathie Lee and Hoda on his right. He smiled nice and bright for the camera.

Matt: Chris Chaos! The New Universal Champion for XWF! The hottest commodity in sports entertainment right now! How are you sir?

Chris: I am great, Matt. Thanks! I am a Florida boy, though, I don’t know how I feel about this cold weather.

Kathie Lee and Hoda gave him the “oh, isn’t he charming!” look. Savannah just sat there.

Savannah: So, Chris, how does it feel to be the top of an industry that has been so up and down in public opinion the last decade or so?

Chris: It is funny you ask that, Savannah. It feels great. How does it feel to be the second best morning show in the same city?

Yeah, I said it. Fuck off you frigid cunt.

Matt: Usually we have the so called ‘good guys’ on our show. This is our first time hosting a villain champion. I have to say, it is quite exhilarating!

Hoda: So, Chris, tell us….you are going to be fighting on New Year’s Eve in Time’s Square, huh? That has to be exciting for you. Have you been to New York before?

What is up with the dumb questions today?

Chris: Yes, Hoda, in fact, I have. I love the city. Wish it wasn’t so crowded, though.

Hoda: That is what makes it magical!

Chris: That is what makes it annoying.

Kathie: Do you have a New Years Resolution?

Chris: Well, yes, I have several. But, I also have something that grinds my gears. May I air that out if I keep it clean?

They all nodded with approval. Lauer gave a cheesy thumbs up. Why was he so happy all the time? If Chris was a betting man, he would bet this guy was a real dick off the air. Oh wait, he was a betting man.

Chris: That tree that everyone drools over. In Rockefeller Center. The Christmas one. I find it repulsive. How can people be so selfish to want to uproot something that has been here longer than any living person and put it on display for everyone to see, only to dispose of it? I mean, for real. That tree did nothing but survive for a two centuries and we want to kill it just so we can look at it and take selfies by it for 3 weeks out of the year? It’s pretentious.

Kathie Lee was going to open her trap again but Chris cut her off.

Chris: You would think with all of today’s technology they could have a re-usable fake tree that would look the same and none of these double digit IQ tourists would even know the difference.

Savannah: I would like to think the people of New York are a little smarter than double digit.

Chris: I wouldn’t. That tree is obvious. They are wasteful. All it did was survive longer than any living thing on planet earth and our first response is to kill it?

Hoda: You came all the way to New York to tell us that?

Chris: No. I have a reason. You see, that tree is a lot like me. A few weeks ago, I was minding my own business, doing my own thing. All I had to do was survive. I did exactly that. I survived over 5 other men in a cage meant for total destruction. Now, everyone wants to cut me down. Everyone wants to take pictures with me, they want to see me, they want me in their life. Now that I am champion, I am a lot like that tree, Hoda. I did nothing to anyone, but because I am pristine I have to die now for the enjoyment of others. So I WILL be fighting here in Times Square on New Years Eve and I will be ushering in the New Year with a bang. But I am not doing it for me. I am not doing it for XWF. I am doing it for that poor tree. I am doing it for the reason that there is something to be said about surviving for a while. I am doing it for the people out there like me who are targets. The difference between me and the tree, is that I have a means to defend myself. So Nami and Drezdin, they are just collateral. They are in the wrong place, wrong time. Just like that tree, unfortunately. So, yes, I have a New Years Resolution, and it is to be bigger, badder and more chaotic than I have been before. To defend myself for the honor of a survivor. To kick the heads off the shoulders of a plus sized pirate and Frankenstein’s creation and bring in the New Year in style. I WILL survive and I WILL be on this show, in late December 2017, and will be sitting here in this chair, STILL your XWF Universal Champion. Nami and Drezdin, they are the first but surely not the last.

Matt: Did you just use an analogy of the tree to cut a wrestling promo live on our show?!

Chris. Yep….and THAT is why I am the BEST at what I do

The limo rolled back towards the hotel. Chris couldn’t wait to get back there, light up a cigar, and take a bath with Jenny. He wanted to just relax, and put Nami and Drezdin as far away as he could…...at least for now.

…...he was the Universal Champion, for god sakes. Life was good.

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XWF RECORD: 16-3-2
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