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Thomas Nixon · **12-14-2016, 05:39 PM**

It’s a cold morning. A slight wind passes over the tombstones that line the small, mostly empty cemetery. A sleek, marble tombstone protrudes from the dirt and grass, and a bouquet of roses lies neatly in front of it.

A mist appears in front of the mouth of Thomas Nixon, when he deep exhales. Nixon gazes at the tombstone, deep in thought. He wasn’t worried about the wind chill. He was comfortable, wearing a black coat and a pair of blue jeans. Although he visited the grave often, it wasn’t purely to mourn. He found himself in a quiet environment that allows him to reflect and contemplate.

{Most emotionally traumatic events in people’s lives involve death in some capacity. It could be losing a parent, a grandparent, or somebody close to them losing their life. For that reason, it isn’t uncommon for people to become obsessed with death. It raises an infinite amount of questions that people become fixated on.

Why must humans be mortal?

Is there an afterlife?

Is there heaven and hell?

Does the soul live eternally – do people have a soul?

What is the purpose of living?

The problem is, none of these questions have clear cut answers. Death is often confused with the concept of closure. Although dying is the end of the road for many, there aren’t answers to the questions that arise from death, only vague feelings that aren’t supported by conclusive evidence.

I’ve always taken my feelings about death for granted. When a person dies, that’s the end. You cut to a black screen that says ‘Game Over’ for the rest of eternity. There aren’t any thoughts, you can’t reflect on life. That’s it.

Anything else is simply not feasible. This is a foregone conclusion for me, and I try not to think about it too much. I know that there isn’t an afterlife, and that has horrible implications to my actions and experiences.

I’ve never been able to cope well with death. As I stand here, in front of the grave of Hodiah, I can’t bring myself to tell a beautiful lie. I won’t believe that she’s in a better place now. I have no reason to think that she’s somewhere above me frolicking in her true form, away from hate and oppression. No, she’s buried six feet below me, and from what I understand she’s somehow been eternally locked into her false, human form.

If only I could believe the fairytale, that she was happy, I would have fewer burdens weighing on my back. The optimistic vision of an afterlife would make it easier to reflect on all the lizards that I’ve seen lose their lives over the past few decades, but I can’t stomach a lie of that magnitude.

I’ve killed people, and that’s harder to stomach if there is no afterlife.

I’ve been the direct cause of more deaths than I can count on my hands. The act of killing isn’t simply vengeance or a means to an end. I took the consciousness of a human being away from them forever. Minds that hold thoughts and memories have been dismantled at my hands.

For what? I don’t think it matters why I did it; it doesn’t matter if I have a good reason or not. Either way, my actions were heinous. I granted myself the authority to strip someone of their life. It’s selfish. I may be able to justify why I did it, and it could’ve been the right thing to do, but I still have to live with myself afterwards. But why should I act ethically if there’s no punishment for it? When I die it won’t matter.

From time to time, I find myself pondering a true dilemma. There seems to be some kind of correlation between an afterlife existing and the purpose of living. I mean, if your last moment of cognition is when you pass away, and then all your thoughts, memories, and emotions are gone forever, then what was the point of living? It certainly isn’t a big test to see if you make it into heaven. So what’s the purpose? What’s the meaning of life?

Spoiler alert, there isn’t an inherent purpose to us being alive. No god created humanoids with a goal in mind. The only thing that we can do, as individuals, is enjoy the time we’re here. We must make the most out of it and try to fulfill ourselves.

Being alive without any direction is meaningless. Simply being a human, we don’t have any inherent purpose. We must create our own purpose, and that I have found in the XWF. I’ve carved out my own niche here in XWF, and that has provided me all the purpose I need to keep going forward.

The XWF Television belt that is resting on my kitchen table is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. When I look at that belt, I see a symbol of all that I have accomplished and all that I’ve yet to accomplish. In the last month, I have embarked on my journey. I have stepped foot into the XWF ring and taken on several XWF competitors. I put my life on the line because I’ve found what I’m passionate about; I’ve found something to fight for.

I’ve given all of my actions meaning. My life is meaningful because I’m trying to help the people that I care about. I’ve grown to love the lizard people in a way that most men in this world will never understand. I’m taking action that is fulfilling. I’m putting my body on the line for a cause that goes beyond me and my mortality.

Years after I inevitably pass away, my legacy will live on. When I’m dead and gone, lizards will roam the world with people in a way that would have been considered impossible years ago. I’m blazing a path that will help people escape abuse and oppression.

This path will help lizards avoid the sick, cruel end that my beloved, Hodiah, suffered.

That is my passion. That is the meaning to my life. I trek forward because I’m making an impact in a way that matters to me. When I die, that difference will live on forever.

Some people don’t understand that.

Making a difference in the lives of others is the only true way to reach immortality.

I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell. I’ve done a lot of bad things to bad people, but that doesn’t excuse my actions. In XWF, I’ve built a name and a movement that will ensure the rights and freedom of the lizard people. Every step PATROL moves forward is an act of pure goodness. We’re ensuring the civil liberties for the oppressed and powerless in our society.

If there is a God, I hope he looks down at the things I’m doing now. Maybe, if he can look past the murders and the slayings at my hands, he will see my Television Championship reign as a chance of redemption. Each time I defend that belt, it’s an act of atonement. I’m atoning for my sins when I fight for justice, giving my all in the ring. I act out of good will, I don’t want to be known as the best wrestler in the company to inflate my ego. I want people to see my incredible resume to give me a serious look. I’m acting out of good will and duty because people will consider my sentiments as honest and join me in my fight.

Now, I look to develop my record this upcoming weekend against Gabe Reno. To say the least, Reno doesn’t have the kind of intentions I have.

He’s not the kind of guy that puts other people first. He’s hungry, no starving, for something to feed his ego with. And I don’t think that’s an insult to him, I think that’s what a lot of people in the XWF are here for. Reno has made it explicit that all he wants is gold, and he will not shy away from a fight.

I wish Reno luck against Chaos, but I have to admit that I don’t have much faith in him. I want to believe him when he talks about his fighting spirit and his passion, but I don’t buy it. He comes off as a cocky middle schooler that wants respect because he’s the butt of his friends’ jokes.

Chaos beat Reno, and Reno can’t let that loss go. He’s gotten in Chaos’ face at every opportunity because he needs vengeance. He can’t move on. He takes the loss personally, but he doesn’t realize that the XWF Universal Champion might have more important things to care about. Reno has been a whore for any drop of attention from Chaos. Now, I don’t respect that, but it will probably work out for Reno. He’ll probably get a shot at Chaos, and he can get his petty vengeance. He might even win.

But that’s why I don’t buy into him. He’s fighting for himself, for his ego. He doesn’t have something beyond him that drives him to win. Sure, he can yell “BITCH” at people like an angst filled teenager. I’m not going to stop him from doing that; he has the constitutional right. It shows his immaturity and his need to perpetuate an image of what he believe is cool.

With that being said, it only took one loss to get in Reno’s head. That’s the sign of a weak individual.

To make matters worse, I kind of feel bad for the guy. Reno may have a satisfying career, and he may win all kinds of gold and accolades. He can look above his fireplace and maybe see a beautiful gold championship.

But when his body aches and the championships are gone, he’s going to have to take a long look at himself. His doctor will tell him that his knees are shot and the pains he lives with won’t go away. And he’ll think about his time in XWF and wonder if it was worth it. Was his masturbatory career worth the pain? He won gold, but the only person he did it for was himself. Even if his career was great, it will be hollow.

So on Savage Saturday Night, Reno will trot out to the ring with his tough guy face on. He’ll think about how great he is and how badass it is that he’s fighting in front of thousands of people. Then, when the match gets serious, and he has to dig down deep for motivation he’s going to struggle. And he’ll think about the championship belt that is just an accolade to him. That’s where our differences truly lie, and that’s where I have the advantage. No matter what Reno says, this match doesn’t matter to him like it matters to me.

This first title defense is more than just me and Reno duking it out for a championship. This match will attempt to balance all my sins and wrongdoing over my lifetime because when I look back on this match, I will have acted out of pure goodwill. There will be no cold blooded slaying that will haunt me. I’m helping the thousands that are ignored.

And soon, very soon, a new administration will take office, and the lizards can begin to search for justice and safety. I will help them earn their rights, and I will end the oppression. But first, I must continue to bring awareness by continuing my atonement, and that all comes back to me beating Gabe Reno and holding onto the Television Championship.}

Thomas squats down to the ground in front of the grave. He pats the dirt in front of the tombstone, as he holds back tears.

“For you, Hodiah.” Thomas whispers with a solemn expression on his face.

Nixon rises to his feet and quickly leaves the cemetery as the scene fades to black.

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