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Guppy Parsh · (12-06-2016)

~Act V~

The scene opens to Alfred, Guppy's new butler, sitting on the floor meditating (wickedly). He seems to be in deep thought. He must be thinking about his evil plan to break up Guppy and Stevella so Guppy marries someone else who is less capable of defending herself from his "charms".

"Yes, it'll be so good when I rape her," says Alfred softly to himself, but that's the easy part. After their chat about cucks and adultery, Alfred learned that Guppy doesn't believe in hear say and theories, so he'll need hard, throbbing evidence that Stevella is an unfaithful whore. On the other hand, Guppy is obviously a stupid fuck. Sure he didn't believe blatant lies, so he's smarter than the average American voter, but it should be a piece of cake to fake some evidence if that's all he's after. Stevella doesn't exactly have an unconventional body type and she wears a mask. In fact it's just a balaclava; which is a common burglar's mask. Finding someone or something that looks like Stevella and putting a mask on it shouldn't be too hard.

Someone or something....

Something....or someone....

Alfred immediately snaps out of his trance, "I'll film myself fucking a mannequin wearing a balaclava, then I'll play the audio I recorded of her night alone over it!" Alfred gets up and runs to the master bedroom to recover his tape recorder. When he reaches under the bed to grab it his earpiece rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey Alfred, are you in my room?"

"What?"

"My BatAlarm went off which means someone entered the master bedroom without knocking."

"Oh, I must've forgot to knock. I'm just making the bed."

"Good, anyway since the last promo I used my detective skills and I found out what the word 'autistic' means,"

"I think I used it correctly."

"I mean, yes, since the autistic spectrum covers so many disorders and symptoms you can't really use it wrong, but the way you used it was really mean and I feel bad for laughing now that I understand the joke. Please don't say that anymore."

Jesus shit. What a boring thing to talk about. How do I spice this up? Oh I know, I will use this conversation to make my fake video idea more convincing.

"Sure thi- OH MY GOD!"

"What?"

"There are little blonde hairs in your bed! You and Stevella aren't blondes!"

"That's weird."

"SHE'S A SLUT AND YOU'RE A CUCK!"

"Why do you think that?"

"You're not seeing what I'm seeing right now. I heard moaning from this room last night, but I just thought Stevella was in here alone watching a bootleg of Moana. I had no idea. A blonde guy must've spent the night in your bed and had pre-marital sexual relations with her."

"Put the hairs in the BatDNA-Scanner."

Fuck, I forgot he had that...

"Right away, Batman!"

Well shit.

"I'll expect the results soon."

"I'm putting them in now..."

There has to be someway to change the subject. His match! The whole reason this promo exists!

"In the meantime, you should do a promo where you go to a haunted house, but you aren't afraid of the ghosts because the Blackest Hole are scarier than ghosts and you're going to beat them up and pin all of them at once."

"I think that's been done actually."

"Well, we can't just do promos where we talk to each other with our earpieces."

"Why not?"

"John Black is doing interviews and having flashbacks, that's so much more interesting than us just talking while you kill rapists. There was this part where he was 10 and he watched some guy beat the shit out of his mom."

"How horrible."

Alfred pretends he doesn't have a boner, "Yes, black women getting beat up isn't erotic at all. I'm totally going to skip that part if I watch that promo again. When I watch it I don't wish I was alive 200 years ago so I could have slaves of my own, nope. It makes me feel bad for his mom."

Epic lying, Alfred.

"Black people like John Black and his mom have such hard lives. All because of racist people. Trump's going to change all that, Alfred. He already told the racist people to stop it and everyone listens to the president."

"I'm sure he will. But until then there must be something we can do to give you, what did you say it was called?"

"The artistic high-ground?"

"Yeah that, because you'll need it. John Black is black so that means he was a street fighter and was surrounded by violence all his life."

"To have the artistic high-ground going into a match you need to be really good at making promos though. I don't know anything about that."

"The best art comes from pain, Guppy, maybe you should do a flashback to something traumatic in your past."

"Like when Rapist Shane touched me in the shower?"

...in the shower....in the shower.....in the shower...

~Act VI~

[September 13th, 2015: 1 Hour after Wargames]

Guppy is naked taking a shower in the XWF locker-room. The camera is positioned in a way where you can't see his dick, sorry

. You can see his butt though, it's okay. Maybe he'll squat or bend over so you can see his asshole. Go ahead and get your hopes up.

Guppy just went through a hellish War Games match that his team easily won due to teamwork; that's pretty much the same result this weekend's match will have. He is thinking about Stevella, his beautiful wife, and if he'll refer to this match as a 'rape' when she asks about his day. He decides against it, even though rape isn't the most treacherous thing a person can do it's still crass to casually compare things to it. Guppy then starts to wonder why he had even considered comparing the match to a rape in the first place. That seems a little out of character for him. Maybe it creates forced irony later on in the promo.

Right as Guppy bends a bit to pick up the soap the camera starts shaking, totally missing the butthole shot. Wow, I got my hopes up for nothing. "What are you doing to me?" asks the cameraman.

"I'M TRYING TO FIND MY POTATO IN YOUR ASSHOLE."

"You're ruining my shot! NO! NO!"

Rapist Shane does more than ruin his shot! He ruins his asshole too! By sodomizing him! Did you hear him ask for consent? I didn't. Then he sneaks up and gets in the shower with Guppy.

"HAVE YOU SEEN MY POTATO?"

"Why are you yelling?"

Shane doesn't answer; he just moves closer.

"You can shower with me just please don't touch me," Guppy tries to hand him the soap, but Shane's hands are full of asparagus. Shane gets even closer and Guppy gets so nervous that he drops the soap that's when Rapist Shane touches Guppy....without his consent!

"Hey! I didn't say you could do that!" poor Guppy. He must have no idea who he's dealing with. Rapist Shane is just the guy to come along that would make his thoughts earlier about comparing his match to a rape...IRONIC.

Or maybe it's actually a coincidence and not irony in this case.

"I'M A RAPIST!" shouts Rapist Shane.

Guppy then comes to understand the severity of this situation. If this man really is a rapist and not just some guy who wants to take a shower with him, then he needs to get out of there before he gets raped. He slides under Shane through his open legs and runs to his utility belt. He opens a BatPocket and pulls out something round and brown.

"Eat BatPotato!"

Shane drops all his asparagus and gives chase to Guppy only to have this brown round thing tossed at him. He seems content with the BatPotato and tries to shove it up his own ass; this gives Batman enough time to put on his BatSuit and get away.

~----------------------------------------------~

"And I haven't seen him since, but every time I think about him the inside of my thigh tingles just a little bit. That's where he touched me without my consent."

"That's a very traumatic thing you just told me about, Guppy. I hope the footage isn't shitty and the cameraman was able to get a decent shot of the action after getting raped. That would be great to put in a promo."

"That rapist still has arms and he has raped more people."

"Way better than John Black's traumatic shit. You one upped the fuck out of that dude. For no reason too. You couldn't just let him have the more tragic backstory. You were like 'Nah nigga,' and took that away from him. That's all he had Guppy!"

"I will cross paths with him again. I knew rape was bad before I met him, but hearing about it happening and experiencing it are two different things. I used to think prison was enough. Now I know that everyone who rapes deserves to pay in their blood. Lagena will never have to go through this. I'll make sure of it."

"A gay rapist almost raping you is way more tragic than some guy's mom getting beat up, damn dude."

"One day I will find the courage to face my abuser. That's why I must keep fighting, and I must keep protecting the weak and the scaly. I wish I was smarter back then. I wish I carried around a chainsaw at all times back then. I wish I was able to show him the same lack of humanity he showed that cameraman, but I hadn't lost that part of me yet."

"Man, gay people are lucky that they get to add this promo to the spank bank. What's the length and girth of Rapist Shane's dick? Was it huge?"

"I don't know."

"You've seen Unknown Soldier's dick, was it bigger than his?"

"Maybe."

"Imagine it's my dick and John Black's mom is sucking on it. Does that help you estimate the length?"

"No."

"I'm out of ideas then."

Guppy takes a deep breath and pushes Rapist Shane's vile and disturbing actions out of his mind for a moment. Whatever horrors he wanted to inflict on that man could wait until after Wild Card Weekend and after he became one third of the new XWF Trio Tag Champions.

"Does the BatDNA-Scanner have a match for those hairs you found?"

"Oh, that, yeah, it turns out it was just some of my pubic hair. I start shedding like crazy in December. I never understood why."

"That sounds like something you should look up on the Internet, or see a doctor about since you're not a detective."

"Do you mind if I do that now? I have a few other errands to run too. You drank up that coconut milk faster than I thought you would."

"Go ahead and go now. I have the streets under control. I can't think of a better time."

"Alright, bye Batman."

"One more thing, Alfred. Thanks for letting me open up to you and not laughing at me for it."

"Anytime. Kisses."

"Hugs."

Alfred hangs up, then he heads to some junk shop to buy a mannequin and a balaclava. Soon, very soon, he'd be rid of that prude bitch Stevella.

Guppy fin.

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