Kurt Angle is driving along a road at night, humming his theme song. He passes a road sign that says New Boston 7 miles, Texarkana 33 miles.
Evening. I'm Kurt Angle, your European Champion. I was just starting on my road trip to Boston for the Shove-It Rumble, for the vacant Xtreme Championship. I was just in Austin, where I watched the UT vs Baylor game on Saturday. Hell of a game, just one hell of a game. Sunday, I just kind of toured Austin for the day. No reason not to. I had nothing to do until about 8 pm, when I started my cross country road trip. First stop, Texarkana, Arkansas, where I will probably stay for the night. I figured, since I have all of this free time, why not run down some of my so called opponents. I suppose we shall start with one of the easy ones. Mr James Ellsworth, come on down! It is your time to play!
Seriously, who is this guy! He comes out of nowhere, and immediately gets all these opportunities that just come to him, while other people had to earn their keep. I mean, look at me! Look at what I have accomplished in such a short time! I won the European Championship! I have dominated everyone I have ever been in the ring with! Meanwhile, this James Ellsworth character does nothing, and yet he has a shot at the Xtreme Championship! But really, I should be happy that someone like him is in this match. It makes my life a hell of a lot easier. Everyone knows, he has got approximately a 0.000 % chance of coming even close to winning this match. He may say that any man with 2 hands have a fighting chance, but we all know that isn't true. If it was, then someone would ve beaten me. But, oh look! No one has even close. 1 Angle Slam, and who ever this James Ellsworth guy is, will be gone from the Rumble, and Kurt Angle will be one step closer to winning.
Next, let's talk about one SLAVE. I, I honestly have no idea what to say about this thing. He really hasn't done anything that I can judge one way or another. They are a mystery to the XWF. From what I've seen of him, he's one of the Spoooky dudes that seem to come naturally to this company. They all are the same. They think they are being creepy and cutting edge, and that they all have this power that helps them win matches. I've seen a million of them, and only one of them actually comes to mind as someone who has done anything, and that's the former Xtreme Champion, Unknown Soldier. And, I suppose Kane and Undertaker. Besides them, are a dime a dozen. Most of them can't even wrestle. The line up this match is looking bit like a bust with these 2 in it. Could they find literally nobody else? Was Gillberg sick? I can think of no good reason for these 2 to be in this match. Who else got?Please be someone good.
Oh, hey look. It's Jamaican Jimmy, the drug addict. This Rumble is getting better and better! I mean, if someone who is addicted to something called "ganja" the rest of us had better watch our backs. He could win the whole thing if we aren't careful. But, let's be honest here. Who honestly thinks either of these 3 have even the remotest chance of winning the Rumble. If you do, like Jamaican Jimmy, you may be high. I don't get high, nor do I drink, because I am a man of integrity and clean living. Jamaican Jimmy, on the other hand, considers it a waste of a day if he doesn't get high. You can't be high and still expect to function normally! He has no chance, because you can't wrestle high. It just doesn't work. Being high kind of limits your brains capacity to function. It can kill brain cells, whichever ones he has left up there. It also makes you hungry. He might just eliminate himself looking for food. If he doesn't though, I'll be there waiting with an Angle Slam in hand. Who's next?
Oh, someone who can actually wrestle! I have a feeling that this will be one of the few people in this match who can do that. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Eliza Thorne! This Eliza Thorne can do something that the other 3 competitors can't, and that's compete at a semi high level. To me, she seems to be one of those girls who you think is nice, but actually just turn out the worst. She acts all sweet and nice when the cameras are rolling, but come on, I'm Kurt Angle. Do you really expect me to fall for that? I know someone just like you Eliza. She acted all nice and sweet, but I didn't see what she was really like until it was too late. She turned on me and aligned herself with her husband. You might have heard of her before. Her name was Stephanie McMahon. She, like Eliza acted really nice, and for some reason no one liked her, but really, she was a bitch. It's True, it's true. I don't know Eliza that well, though. For all I know, she could be the nicest person in the world and I'm just over reacting. That doesn't mean I'm letting my guard down. To me, Eliza Thorne will just be one more victim to the Angle Slam. The Angle Slam doesn't discriminate. It'll take out anyone, anywhere, to get what it wants. It's kind of weird in that way. What I am trying to say, is that be man, women, it anything else, I won't hesitate to throw you out of the ring so I can win the Xtreme Championship.
I may be leaving some of the bigger names out, but there is a reason for this. I just don't want to take this time to talk about anyone else. I'm kind of tired. I'll be back, though, and I will talk about why I will beat every damn one of them. It's true, it's true.