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Hunter Payne · (10-01-2016)

Joy: OMG! OMG!! I love this place so much!

Joy says as they enter the park. Hunter immediately looks agitated. As Joy sees ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’, he sees a bunch of spoiled, fat, and bratty little kids. “Mommy I want it! I want it! Wahhh! I want it!” Shut the fuck up kid! Before I beat your spoiled ass in front of your enabling piece of shit parents! Go ahead! Test me little motherfuckers!

Hunter: Joy, it’s only Disneyland, just a bunch of grown adults and annoying little kids pretending cartoons are real. Who would find that entertaining?

Hunter accidently pointing out the irony of his last promo. Anyway, Joy has been there all of 30 seconds and she is already rocking those classic Mickey Mouse ears on her head. She actually looks really cute in them, but how the hell did she get those so fast? She also has cotton candy. She grabs a small piece of the already small serving, and lets Hunter eat it off her finger. Yummy.

Hunter: How much did that cost?

Joy: Sixteen dollars. Why?

Hunter somehow almost chokes on already dissolved cotton candy.

Hunter: You better find a way to return that! Make me pay for a small ass sixteen dollar cotton candy. You lost your damn mind!

It looks as if the couple is about to get into a fight before walking 100 feet into the damn park. Luckily, one of Hunter's old friends just so happens to be at Disneyland as well.

Hunter: Kev!

Kevin: Hunter Payne! My nigga!

Payne & Joy are joined near the entrance of the park by Kevin Hart, his wife Eniko Parrish, and his two children. All of them wearing Mickey Mouse ears, yes, even Kevin. He does not look as good in them as Joy does, obviously. Hunter acknowledges Kevin’s kids, and Joy and Eniko hug and begin gossiping or whatever. Hunter and Kevin know better than to ask, they just let the women do their thing.

Kevin: So it’s just you and Joy today?

Hunter: Uhh, no.

Thad: Hey, I couldn’t find the restroom, so I just pissed in that fountain over there.

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Right on cue, Thad shows up slightly slurring his words and having a strong lack of concentration. Although, that could just be from years of playing football, Joy thinks otherwise.

Joy: Thad? Are you drunk?

Thad pulls out a flask and takes a quick swig before responding.

Thad: No… LOOK MIDGETS!

Thad says while still slurring like a town drunk. Speeding off to see the little people he saw. Wait, I sure as hell hope he was talking about the 7 dwarfs and not some small random children… Damn! Joy gives Hunter an angry look, probably for inviting Thad. He quickly tries to change the subject.

Hunter: But, we are also here to sign Seattle Seahawk Russell Wilson.

Joy: And! To study the environment for your match against Bearded War Pig this Saturday Night.

Hunter: But! Mostly to sign Millionaire Russell Wilson. I’m not too worried about my match honestly.

Kevin: Why is that?

Hunter: Where is that fat fuck gonna go?! He’s too damn fat for these rides. If I need to find him, chances are that the chubby-tele-tubby will be at one of the concession stands stuffing his blowhole with this expensive shit food!

Russell: Hey guys!

Russell Wilson and Ciara Wilson arrive. Kevin immediately begins staring at Russell Wilson’s wife. That earns him a slap to the back of his head by his wife, Eniko. Meanwhile, Kevin’s kids go crazy because Mickey Mouse is just a few feet away greeting people.

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Hunter: Why don’t you ladies take the kids? Us guys gotta talk business.

With no objections, the women all run over to Mickey Mouse. Almost forgetting the kids.

Hunter: Come on Russ! When are you gonna sign with me? I signed Thad, and now look at how happy he is!

Hunter points to Thad in the distance. Thad is currently harassing the 7 dwarfs by using them as footballs for his unnecessary kicking drills. However, to Hunter’s point, he seems pretty happy doing it.

Russell: Sorry, Hunter. I’m not going to sign wit…

Kevin: What the fuck?!

The guys notice Mickey Mouse’s hand placement for the photo-op is literally grabbing all of their wives asses. Kevin, being the first one to notice, rushes over, throws his stupid Mickey ears and takes a swing at that ass-grabbing-asshole Mickey Mouse. Russell ‘goody-two-shoes’ Wilson tries to avoid any violence, despite the fact some creep just grabbed his wife’s ass. Grow some balls Russell! Hunter goes to jump in, but is stopped by Joy.

Joy: NO! You always do this! Getting in fights everywhere we go! Getting us kicked out EVERY DAMN TIME! Let the other guys take care of this one. Hunter, I mean it!

Just as Joy says that. Minnie Mouse shows up and shoves an unsuspecting Kevin Hart to the floor. The Mice begin stomping Kevin with their big ass clown feet.

Hunter: Fuck that!

Hunter pushes Joy aside, runs up and decks that bitch Minnie in her rat-face! He then turns and uppercuts Mickey Mouse in the jaw! Mickey’s head pops off! Revealing himself to be none other than former Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel! Hilarious as Hunter found this to be in his head, he kept swinging. Delivering an ass-whooping to Johnny Mascot!

Russell Wilson falls to the ground after unexpectedly getting bumped into by Donald Duck, Donald then trips on Russell’s prone body, taking both guys out. Here comes Goofy… Goofy has a fucking cleaver knife in his hand! What the fuck?! He charges to kill Hunter Payne…

SPEAR!

Thad Castle with a spear out of nowhere!

Thad: TAKE THAT YOU…. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?!

Joy: It’s a dog Thad!

Now Pluto comes and tries to attack Thad, but Thad rather easily stiff-arms Pluto into the nearest concession stand. Knocking Pluto out.

Thad: THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!

Joy: Umm, that is a dog… also.

Looking confused, Thad takes a good close look at Goofy, then Pluto, then Goofy again, then Pluto again.

Thad: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!!!

Kevin: Hey fuck that! We gotta get the fuck outta here!

Too late! Disney security is already there. After a struggle, they finally are able to detain Hunter, Kevin, and Thad. Oh, and they also took Russell Wilson for some reason.

Now in a Disney holding cell. Which is very unDisney by the way. It looks exactly like a jail cell actually. All four men are being detained behind the iron bars, until the police show up within the hour. Since some teenagers are graffiting in the park, all but one security guard left. Also, he looks like one of those nut jobs that quit the police academy and became a security guard for the false sense of authority. Hate that guy already.

On one bench, Russell looks scared shitless, what a pussy. Kevin and Hunter are chilling right next to him. Thad is on the other side of the cell, still drinking from his flask, and talking to himself.

Hunter: They didn’t confiscate that flask from you?

Thad takes another drink from his flask before responding.

Thad: No…

Hunter: How much is in there?

Before Thad can answer, Russell Wilson start crying hysterically.

Russell: I can’t believe this! I gonna get suspended. My wife is gonna leave me. This day can’t get any worse! Shoot!

Kevin: Grow some fucking balls Russell! Hey Hunter, I bet you weren’t planning on this happening BEFORE your match huh?

Hunter: I’m fully expecting to be put back in here after what I do to that Warthog… I mean War Pig. Kev, this guy’s catchphrase is, and I quote, “Oink, Oink, Motherfucker”. Okay. First things first, Pigs aren’t intimidating! Do you know what a pig is to me? Uncooked bacon! That’s it. He mentioned he lost a tag team match, who was his partner? Goatman or Cowgirl? “Mooo Motherfucker!” Sounds ridiculous right? Now he knows how we all feel.

I cannot stress enough how unintimidating that catchphrase is! “Oh no! Everybody run! The pig is pissed off! How will we ever stop something that likes to roll around in its own shit?!” Speaking of rolling around in your own shit, I seen this guy’s promos, and wow! All this guy is trying to do is prove himself worthy of wrestling me. “Look Hunter! I won a handful of matches! Look Hunter! I won a shiny belt that will cease to exist next week! Look at me! Look at me!” Dude, get off my dick! I don’t care.

This Goldberg clone thinks he’s tough, because he can give us diluted Goldberg phrases and spears Steve Sayors. Attacking Steve doesn’t make you tough. It makes you a douche. What’s next? Is he gonna attack a blind person? Maybe a 90 year-old? Get that weak shit outta here! He says he is a seasoned vet? But he sounds a lot like a rookie. A shitty rookie at that. I'll be happy to put him in his place.

“Will the real Payne please stand up? I repeat will the real Payne please stand up? We're going to have a problem here!” I guess if I had to live in Hunter Payne’s shadow I’d come up with some stupid ass nickname too. Poor Josh Payne… Sorry, I’m so damn talented Joshy.

I don’t know how many times this guy was dropped on his head as a baby, or how well the education system is from whatever hick town he was born in, but none of his "accomplishments" matter! All that matters, is Saturday Night, Pig versus Payne, I’m taking him from Disneyland to the Slaughterhouse!

Security: Hey! Keep it down in there!

Kevin: Fuck you!

Russell: Hunter. If you can get me out of here without charges, I’ll sign with you.

Hunter: Deal! You guys heard it!

Kevin: You know what? It’s official. With all the bullshit you go through Hunter, I’m making you a certified nigga!

Thad: Is that how it works? Can I be a certified nigga too?!

Kevin: No.

That somehow gave Thad (of all people) an idea.

Thad: Hey officer?! You have to let me out!

Security: Why?

Thad: Because I’m white!

The security guard mulls it over for a second before opening the cell for Thad.

Security: Alright, you’re free to go.

Kevin: Ain’t that a bitch?!

White Privilege ladies and gentlemen!

Thad: THANKS!

BAM!!

Thad headbutts the security guard. Thad’s thick skull was able to lay the guard out. This allows for the other guys to escape. Hunter get one solid kick to the security guards head before leaving, because fuck white privilege!

Hunter: Thad, comes through in the clutch again!

Russell: Thanks man! Thank you Thank you!

Kevin: Nevermind Thad, you’re my nigga!

Thad: I am a nigga…

Thad says proudly as he practices his Crip walk towards the exit.

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